Feeling like a jerk.. procrastinating break up

[epsilon2x]

There's a new girl I've been dating. Originally I didn't think she wanted a relationship so my only goal was to sleep with her. Now I know she wants to be exclusive with me, but I know it would never work out. She's gorgeous but she's also super religious. I'm an atheist so this obviously won't work out.

 

I've known she was pretty religious this whole time, but never stopped what I was doing because I just assumed we were having a casual fling together. The past couple of times we've been together, I always chicken out on having the speech with her and end up having sex/spending the night together.

 

I guess I don't really have a point for making this thread because I know what I need to do. I'm just venting a little bit. I feel like she's going to be furious when I tell her that we need to stop, especially since I've known about her beliefs the whole time. She brought it up early when we started seeing each other and I'd always give her a short reply and just change topics because I didn't feel like talking about it.

 

It's weird because I've never broken things off with a girl because of religious differences. Probably because most other girls I've been with have had some sort of religion but were never vocal about it, or weren't too into it. This girl talks hints about the distance future with us: marriage/house/kids/etc but every time I just shrug it off and change topics. I know that every day I don't say anything about it, I'm only making it worse for her.

 

I just feel like I've dug myself in a hole I should have never put myself in. I knew from the get go how religious she was before I went out with her. The worst part is that she lives next door to me. So it's going to be hard to avoid her when I have other girls over. I'd like to end it in a nice way and use the cliche "let's just be friends" lines because I'll surely see her almost every day.

 

In case I missed the point, here's a summary. I started sleeping with my neighbor thinking it was just casual. Saw that she wanted way more, didn't stop it even though I knew it wasn't what I wanted, now I feel like a jerk for haveing to end it for reasons I knew about before we started.

[blemished]

How long have you been sleeping together? Do you do anything else other than have sex together? She has some responsibility, too, you know. This is exactly why you should talk to someone before sleeping with them - both people - not just you and not just her - making the assumption that having sex with someone will lead to marriage and kids is HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE, unless you have somehow indicated you are looking for that.

[offplanet]

She couldn't be that religious, as she's sleeping with you. Sex before marriage is usually taboo to religious people. She should have checked before sleeping with you whether or not you wanted marriage etc, otherwise she can't hold that over you. It was her responsibility too, as the above poster said.

[giubilante]

I kind of disagree with the previous posters. You knew she was religious (maybe not enough not to sleep with you in the first place, but likely someone who puts a lot more strength on sleeping with someone than you seem to). However, she shouldn't hold the fact that you slept with her over your head.

 

That being said, she's been indicating where she would like the relationship to go, and you've been seeming to go along with it. That is what I would have the most trouble with. You are being dishonest with her. You need to man up, and have a discussion with her where you let her know what you're thinking. The longer you continue on as you are, the worse things will become... for both of you.

[erzerum7]

You're pretty much the definition of a jerk. You used a woman for her body even though you knew there were irreconcilable differences from the beginning. And she was a fool for allowing herself to fall into the trap (thanks to your BS, of course) of sleeping with you and hoping for more later.

 

As someone said before, most traditional religions (certainly Judaism, Christianity, and Islam) strongly censure pre-marital sex. She may not be that religious, after all, if she's sleeping with you. You should perhaps reconsider whether her being religious is that much of an incompatibility for you.

[Liraele]

Are you just assuming the religious difference is going to be an issue, or has it actually been an issue?

[epsilon2x]

How long have you been sleeping together? Do you do anything else other than have sex together? She has some responsibility, too, you know. This is exactly why you should talk to someone before sleeping with them - both people - not just you and not just her - making the assumption that having sex with someone will lead to marriage and kids is HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE, unless you have somehow indicated you are looking for that.

We do plenty of other stuff together. I'm not sure if I mentioned in my origional post that I do actually like her and I do enjoy her company. I left out a major part tho. She had a boyfriend when we first started but I'm pretty sure she broke up with him after the second time or so that we hooked up (this is part of the reason that I did not want a relationship with her from the beginning). Then she went into this long story about how she didn't really like the other guy and just thought I wasn't into her and broke up with him for me.

That being said, she's been indicating where she would like the relationship to go, and you've been seeming to go along with it. That is what I would have the most trouble with. You are being dishonest with her. You need to man up, and have a discussion with her where you let her know what you're thinking. The longer you continue on as you are, the worse things will become... for both of you.

That's where I feel bad about the whole thing too. I've planned on calling it off a couple of times but then I just get weak when she comes on to me, then I'd feel like an even bigger jerk for having the talk right after we sleep with each other. You're definitely right that I need to man up (I needed that) and just get it over with

You're pretty much the definition of a jerk. You used a woman for her body even though you knew there were irreconcilable differences from the beginning. And she was a fool for allowing herself to fall into the trap (thanks to your BS, of course) of sleeping with you and hoping for more later.

As someone said before, most traditional religions (certainly Judaism, Christianity, and Islam) strongly censure pre-marital sex. She may not be that religious, after all, if she's sleeping with you. You should perhaps reconsider whether her being religious is that much of an incompatibility for you.

Definition of a jerk? Yes and no. Originally from the beginning, I didn't think she wanted anything more than a fling. Her feelings have obviously progressed since then. I haven't really BS'ed her. I do like her, I just know that things wouldn't work out in the long run.

I already know that religion is an instant deal breaker for me. That won't be reconsidered.

Are you just assuming the religious difference is going to be an issue, or has it actually been an issue?

It will be an issue. I don't want to turn this into a religious debate. You could imagine how an atheist and a church goer would have issues with their off spring. I want to marry an atheist, I'm sure she wants to marry a Christian. I'm sure right now she's just assuming I'm a Christian or at least that I believe in god.

[Me and myself]

It will be an issue. I don't want to turn this into a religious debate. You could imagine how an atheist and a church goer would have issues with their off spring. I want to marry an atheist, I'm sure she wants to marry a Christian. I'm sure right now she's just assuming I'm a Christian or at least that I believe in god.

 

Sorry but I ca't understand why people put all these limitations on themselves...I know it's a cultural thing but in my country, if two people love each other we never think about each other religions nor political affiliations. We simply don't care, we give it a try and, as in any other relationship, sometimes it works, others don't. Maybe you should do the same, i.e., if you really like her.

[The_Seeker]

Sorry but I ca't understand why people put all these limitations on themselves...I know it's a cultural thing but in my country, if two people love each other we never think about each other religions nor political affiliations. We simply don't care, we give it a try and, as in any other relationship, sometimes it works, others don't. Maybe you should do the same, i.e., if you really like her.

 

OP, you should feel like a jerk.

 

Second, you're pathetic if your only "goal" is to sleep with her.

 

Seriously, grow up. You're 25. If you want to have hook up with no strings attached or friends with benefits, find someone else.

 

Third, BE HONEST with your intentions.

 

Fourth, BREAK UP. Seriously. Man, I really wonder how would you feel if your "future daughter" goes through the same crap you are putting this girl through by not ending it. I bet you would kick that guy's butt.

 

Fifth, find something meaningful to do with your life instead of wasting away.

 

Lastly, stop pitying yourself.

[Me and myself]

The_Seeker, I don't understand why did you quote my words

[The_Seeker]

The_Seeker, I don't understand why did you quote my words

 

Because I agree with what you said to the OP, my darling. ;]

 

You shouldn't care about one's person religion, color of their skin etc, but you should care about their heart.

 

;] I was too lazy to talk about discrimination when you are dating someone.

[Me and myself]

Because I agree with what you said to the OP, my darling. ;]

Ok, now I can rest.

[itsallgrand]

It sounds like you both make a whole lot of assumptions about each other and what you are doing.

 

How about just talking?

[epsilon2x]

Sorry but I ca't understand why people put all these limitations on themselves...I know it's a cultural thing but in my country, if two people love each other we never think about each other religions nor political affiliations. We simply don't care, we give it a try and, as in any other relationship, sometimes it works, others don't. Maybe you should do the same, i.e., if you really like her.

It would be one thing if we both believed in a god but didn't have the same exact religion. I could see that working. It's a whole different story when one doesn't believe at all and the other does. I'm saving myself troubles for down the road when one parent wants to take the kids to church and the other wants to talk about evolution.

OP, you should feel like a jerk.

 

Second, you're pathetic if your only "goal" is to sleep with her.

 

Seriously, grow up. You're 25. If you want to have hook up with no strings attached or friends with benefits, find someone else.

 

Third, BE HONEST with your intentions.

 

Fourth, BREAK UP. Seriously. Man, I really wonder how would you feel if your "future daughter" goes through the same crap you are putting this girl through by not ending it. I bet you would kick that guy's butt.

 

Fifth, find something meaningful to do with your life instead of wasting away.

 

Lastly, stop pitying yourself.

1. I already know I'm being a jerk, I got myself into a mess here.

2. I'm not sure where you got that my only 'goal' is to sleep with her. Originally it seemed like that was all she wanted too. Now my 'goal' is to break up with her because we're incompatible.

2.5. Not sure about the 'Grow up' part. Sorry that the fact that I'm not looking to settle down(especially with someone I'm not compatible with) offends you so much.

3. You're right that I need to be honest about my intentions. That's what I'm trying to do, I was just venting about it because I don't want to hurt this girl's feelings because I do care for her.

4. Kick his butt? I'm the one that needs to grow up?

5. Not sure how you can make the assumption that I'm not doing anything meaningful with my life based off of this post alone.

6. I'm not pitying myself. I haven't said anything to her yet because I didn't want to rush my words and hurt her feelings.

The_Seeker, I don't understand why did you quote my words

He obviously meant to quote me.

[The_Seeker]

I

 

1. I already know I'm being a jerk, I got myself into a mess here.

 

Hence, I stated.

 

2. I'm not sure where you got that my only 'goal' is to sleep with her. Originally it seemed like that was all she wanted too. Now my 'goal' is to break up with her because we're incompatible.

 

Uh, dude you posted that. Not me.

 

LOL If you were just to sleep with her should of said that FROM THE BEGINNING. NOT ASSUME.

 

 

2.5. Not sure about the 'Grow up' part. Sorry that the fact that I'm not looking to settle down(especially with someone I'm not compatible with) offends you so much.

 

LMAO, I'm not telling you to settle down.

 

I'm telling you to grow up as in make sure you know how to make decisions better instead of assuming.

 

Get your facts straight so you don't FACE consequences later.

 

Is that better understanding?

 

No, you didn't offend me.

 

Since you not looking to settle with someone who is no compatible why don't you find someone you want to be compatible with? Yeah I know you are not looking to settle down but sleeping with countless numbers of partners will get you with aids/stds one day.

 

3. You're right that I need to be honest about my intentions. That's what I'm trying to do, I was just venting about it because I don't want to hurt this girl's feelings because I do care for her.

 

Again, GROW UP. Make your decision now. You're dragging on like some girl who doesn't know which boy to choose.

 

4. Kick his butt? I'm the one that needs to grow up?

 

One day when you have a daughter, and she dealt with the same crap you did to this girl. Then she tells you "Dad, this is what happened." Yeah you will want to beat the crap out of that guy.

 

5. Not sure how you can make the assumption that I'm not doing anything meaningful with my life based off of this post alone.

 

Okay, listen Mr.Verbal Gymnastics, you are not doing anything meaningful with your life by saying "the goal is go sleep with this girl" or that girl or whatever. ETC.

 

Don't get me wrong you can sleep with whoever you want BUT you have to let your INTENTIONS known first instead of later. It's quite sad. It's like a girl going on dates with a guy and not feeling anything about him.

 

 

6. I'm not pitying myself. I haven't said anything to her yet because I didn't want to rush my words and hurt her feelings.

 

 

 

[ROLLS EYES] Her feelings are going to be HURT no matter WHAT YOU DO. You can STAY and pretend to be with her WHEN SHE KNOWS THE TRUTH or you can LEAVE and she KNOWS THE TRUTH.

 

You are wasting her time when she can spend her time with someone else.

 

SO BREAK UP WITH HER.

 

Caps are just for getting my points in a summary format since I'm lazy bolding them at the moment.

 

He obviously meant to quote me.

 

LOL ;] I'm a girl, darling.

[epsilon2x]

Because I agree with what you said to the OP, my darling. ;]

 

You shouldn't care about one's person religion, color of their skin etc, but you should care about their heart.

 

;] I was too lazy to talk about discrimination when you are dating someone.

 

I won't turn this into a religious debate by mentioning all the groups of people that religion discriminates against.

[epsilon2x]

Since you not looking to settle with someone who is no compatible why don't you find someone you want to be compatible with? Yeah I know you are not looking to settle down but sleeping with countless numbers of partners will get you with aids/stds one day.

 

I have no desire at this moment to settle down with anyone. Aids/Stds can happen after one partner, if you're unlucky enough. Let's keep stds out of this because it's not relevant.

 

One day when you have a daughter, and she dealt with the same crap you did to this girl. Then she tells you "Dad, this is what happened." Yeah you will want to beat the crap out of that guy.

 

Not sure if you're a parent or not, but there are alot of things that would make them mad or sad for their child. Whether it's my future son or daughter, this kind of stuff happens all the time. I won't be able to fix everything for my child (in this case a 22 year old woman). I wouldn't want to beat the crap out of me if I was able to know the whole story. I'd know that epsilon2x just made a mistake and dug himself into a whole and isn't a bad person.

 

Okay, listen Mr.Verbal Gymnastics, you are not doing anything meaningful with your life by saying "the goal is go sleep with this girl" or that girl or whatever. ETC.

 

Again, just because you don't agree with my dating/sex life, does not mean that I'm not doing anything else meaningful in my life.

 

It's quite sad. It's like a girl going on dates with a guy and not feeling anything about him.

 

This could be the case if it were true that I didn't have any feelings for her, which is not the case.

 

You are wasting her time when she can spend her time with someone else.

 

SO BREAK UP WITH HER.

 

I can agree with this

 

LOL ;] I'm a girl, darling.

 

my bad lol

[Me and myself]

It's a fact that prolonging this situation will make the girl much more sad (and humiliated) than she would if you were honest and true with her.

So, I agree...break it up.

[Ms Darcy]

How long have you been sleeping together?

[MizzGee]

Just break up with her. I don't understand what you're waiting for.

[Liraele]

 

It will be an issue. I don't want to turn this into a religious debate. You could imagine how an atheist and a church goer would have issues with their off spring. I want to marry an atheist, I'm sure she wants to marry a Christian. I'm sure right now she's just assuming I'm a Christian or at least that I believe in god.

 

I still think that you're placing an unfair assumption on her if you haven't even talked to her about it yet. Maybe you're right and it will be a big issue, but maybe you're wrong and she'll be happy to just have fun for the time being. Never know for sure until you actually sit down and hash it out.

[shikashika]

It takes two in ANY relationship and takes two in any breakup.

 

If she was so religious she wouldn't be dating an atheist. While you know about her religious beliefs, she should also know about your non-beliefs.

 

I don't think you are a jerk at all. There is nothing wrong with wanting to sleep with someone who is gorgeous!

 

It is also incorrect of her to ASSUME you want marriage/ kids/ house (with an atheist!) when you have never had this discussion.

 

I agree, that religious issues can be a big problem if both are very strong in their beliefs or non-beliefs.

 

Good luck with your decision!

[epsilon2x]

Here's an update***

 

Now I feel like an even bigger jerk/*******.

 

She's a bartender at a bar. One of the waitresses had a thing for my roommate. She decided to organize a meet up between the 4 of us. I didn't want to ruin it for my roommate by having the talk before I had the talk with the girl that was after me so I just went along with it.

 

Both girls came over earlier tonight. We were all having fun and my girl (the girl I'm trying to end things with) started to say things to me about how she wanted to be with me. I was drinking with her and I stupidly just started to agree with everything she said just because I didn't want to have any drama while my roommate and her friend were getting it on.

 

Fast forward to the end of the night. We (both me and her) had made mention of going back to the apartment to have some fun (we were trying to get in bed together and help my roommate and her friend speed up the process). We get back and all of a sudden she decides she doesn't want to sleep with me. She tells me something along the lines of "I have to wake up early in the morning, I just wanted to wake up with you next to me." I generally don't make good decisions when I'm drinking and I got mad that she didn't want to have sex with me. I figured we hadn't been seeing eachother for that long anyways and it was out of character for her to turn me down. She said something like "well if you're that mad about it, you can just go back home." She was obviously mad about something else but wouldn't say what was making her mad. I live next door to her so I just said "okay" and went back home.

 

Now I feel like a complete ass-bag because instead of breaking up with her for the original reason I planned on ending it on, I ended up leaving her because she refused to have sex with me because she said she was tired.

 

We've been drinking all night and this post probably wasn't necessary but I figured I might as well update the situation. I guess unless she contacts me after this, then we are done.

 

To sum it up, I 'think' I have ended the relationship with her in a way that I shouldn't have.

 

Note to self, epsilon2x, you never make good decisions when you drink and you should stop drinking again. Yea I'm that drunk right now. Feel like garbage and will probably be gone forever from this forum after this post. Hopefully I get my life together after this. I may arise under a new screen name later in the future.

 

Until then, thank you ENA community for everything... I just need to get my crap together again.