Frigid wife. Any ideas?

[mike2090]

I have several problems and I do not know how to deal with them.*

- my wife is frigid and is not interested in sex which means sex happens two or three times a year. I would have liked it to happen two or three times a week.*

- when we do have sex, she is dull in bed, same routine, she demands oral sex on her, she orgasms and then I better ejaculate fast.

- she refuses the idea of sex therapist.*

- her vagina is dry and without condom and loads of lubricant it's unpleasant for both of us. Vaginas are supposed to be hot and moist.

- her vagina has a bad smell. She's seen a gynecologist about it and she said she treated it. But years later the smell is still here and I don't dare to talk about it again because that will only diminish our sex life from twice a year to zero times.*

[Seraphim]

What is her age?

[mhowe]

Other than that, how are things?

 

Seriously, I assume you have talked to her and she refuses to do anything?

What about marriage counseling, not a sex therapist?

 

If no, then you have a choice --- stay or go.

[mike2090]

She's in her late 20s, healthy and attractive.

 

Our relationship is very harmonic: 9/10

 

Our sex life according to me is: 0/10

[RedDress]

Two thoughts:

 

- She needs to see a doctor about the lack of lubricant and smell. If you are afraid to tell her of the smell, as a last resort, you could always call her doctor's office and speak to the doctor about it prior to her appointment. Just explain that she's really sensitive about it but you'd appreciate if they could check it out. They won't be able to give you any information (privacy concerns) - but you can give THEM information.

 

- Your sex life will never, ever go from 2-3 times per year to 2-3 times per week. It won't. Give up on that idea - not gonna happen. You can maybe get things to improve to 5-6 times a year... or if you are really, really lucky once a month... but people don't change to that degree. So - choose whether you want to stay and work on it - or based on that, go.

[cherryx]

Sounds like she lacks confidence. Make her feel that she's anhuge turn on and what she does sexually is a huge turn on. She may feel tempted to spice things up again with her newly found confidence x

[DN]

There have been hundreds if not thousands of similar posts on here and in only one or two instances did things change for the better. If your wife will not try to change then you either have to accept your sex life being what it is now or even less for ever, or you should leave her and find someone on the same page sexually as you. This is about her accepting that she is failing to uphold her wedding vows not about being your fault. Certainly if she is willing you can work together but the primary responsibility is hers.

[mike2090]

It's not about confidence. She Knows that's she's Sexy. She's got eyes on her where ever she goes and I keep telling her that she's hot.

[Seraphim]

Is HER assessment of your relationship 9/10 too?

[mhowe]

She can look hot, but not feel it. And it may be, for whatever reasons (upbringing, bad experience) that she does not enjoy sex.

 

Does this mean kids are not in the future as well?

How long married?

[Seraphim]

She can look hot, but not feel it. And it may be, for whatever reasons (upbringing, bad experience) that she does not enjoy sex.

 

Does this mean kids are not in the future as well?

How long married?

 

I agree. She could have had bad experiences with sex that you have not been told.

[mike2090]

Is HER assessment of your relationship 9/10 too?

Yes

We are soul mates

Unfortunately not body mates

[mhowe]

Yes

We are soul mates

Unfortunately not body mates

 

If you were true soul mates, she would realize/accept that a true intimate relationship includes...intimacy. And be willing to explore options to resolve her unwillingness to have sex.

[Furbys]

Has it always been this way? If so then you cant expect her to change, but if she was more active before then this is something you need to discuss with her.

[mhowe]

I too have a similar problem, I waited for 22 years. And spoke with her on many occasions about our love life. Finally, I threw in the towel and started looking. Didn't know I was going to fall in love with the other person though. And not just for the sex. She made me feel like a real man. But now, I don't feel so real. Now I'm stuck with a wife of 22 years, and looking to get out.

 

Well, I don't advocate looking for another woman until OP has gotten out of the marriage.

[agent1607307371]

- her vagina is dry and without condom and loads of lubricant it's unpleasant for both of us. Vaginas are supposed to be hot and moist.

- her vagina has a bad smell. She's seen a gynecologist about it and she said she treated it. But years later the smell is still here and I don't dare to talk about it again because that will only diminish our sex life from twice a year to zero times.*

 

I wonder if she has had bad experiences in the past? Vaginal dryness can be caused by anxiety as much as physical ailments.

 

How old is she? Has/is she going though the menopause? Was she like this when you married?

 

Honestly, you have to talk to her about this. It's imperative, no matter how scared you are of the conversation.

[EQIQ]

Does she view you as a "friend" or as a MAN? Do you have other type of physical contact on a regular basis? Like kissing, hugging, cuddling, grabbing butt/breasts, and her replying by playing with your body as well? Is this a lack of sexual desire, or a lack of sexual desire towards you?

 

Maybe she is asexual. Maybe she is not sexually interested in you. Different problem, similar outcome. The way you solve each of the problems though is completely different.

 

Now on the other hand, even if she is asexual, if she truly loves and respects you she needs to realize that you have needs, and that they need to be met, and that she is "the only one" that can satisfy those needs (without being unfaithful). If she doesn't realize this and takes action.. I think you will need to move on. I for one would not be able to live in a marriage like this... not even once a week would be enough for me. Like you said.. 2-3 times per week is okay, would keep me content... but more would be better.

[Moontiger]

A few question:

 

1) How long have you been married?

2) When the two of you first started having sex how often was it happening?

3) Has she been under any kind of extreme stress lately?

 

The only way I see this getting better is sitting her down and saying, "I love you, we are soul mates. I hope you feel the same way. There is a big problem happening for me right now that I really want your help in fixing. Over last few years I have seen a drastic change in our sex lives. I want sex to be something that we both enjoy but right now that isn't the case. I need to be very clear with you how much this is effecting me. I love you and always want to be with so this HAS to change. I am going to schedule an appointment with a sex therapist. If you don't want to come the only thing I can think is that means you don't with to work on this. If that's the case then we really need to discuss the our future and want we plan to do."

[Moontiger]

I do want to say there is a small chance that something medical is going on with your wife. Say may have this: link removed

 

And there are other conditions that cause vaginal dryness and bad smell.

[PaintWithLight]

I don't know. I do not think there are frigid wives, only husbands who haven't figured out what makes them tick. There really seems to be a disconnect here. The fact that you can even voice that you want to go from 2-3 times per year to 2-3 times per week is ridiculous. I also sense some anger on your part and that is bound to be part of the problem.

 

Instead of rolling out a laundry list of defects and demands, have you ever just talked with her about how she envisions her marriage to you? What kind of intimacy she desires? How being physically intimate with her is something that you view as a cornerstone to your relationship. The tricky part is bringing this topic up now after so many years. If it feels like an ultimatum, she will just shut down. Ask her if your sex life is all that she desired and where does she see the two of you in 5 years? Deep inside, she knows she has shut down but you have to find the reason why. Good luck!

[blackgnat]

Divorce her and get together with someone who has the same sexual appetite as you do.

 

My marriage ended because after 22 years I had to admit that our sex drives were so different that I could no longer tolerate being in a relationship where my partner did not desire sex as much as I did.

 

I am a woman.

 

Find your bliss. There is someone out there who wants what you want.

[blackgnat]

Divorce her and get together with someone who has the same sexual appetite as you do.

 

My marriage ended because after 22 years I had to admit that our sex drives were so different that I could no longer tolerate being in a relationship where my partner did not desire sex as much as I did.

 

I am a woman.

 

Find your bliss. There is someone out there who wants what you want.

[casperjoe]

As you have mentioned over here that she is dull and wet in sex and mostly recommend you to do Oral sex and orgasms, so I think its different type and you must has to be check her by some Gaini specialist/hormones specialist doctor.

[mike2090]

She's not a feminist but she is deeply influenced by her sisters who are active feminists and who view sex as a form of degradation against women. Their slogan is ''Keep your body pure from men''.

Since her vagina is dry and smelly despite her being healthy means that she probably did not take the medicine that was earlier prescribed to her to solve this issue, also probably influenced by her feminist sisters.

[agent1607307371]

That's really extreme feminism.

 

Well, if she thinks sex with you is dirty, you are either going to have to have an affair, or leave her. I reccommend the latter.

 

Also, if all her sisters think that sex is dirty that sets off abuse alarm bells for me.