The Ups and Downs, Back and Forth

[EQIQ]

So I am feeling somewhat down today... I feel like I am in somewhat of an unfair situation, but what's new, life is not fair.

 

Here is the situation. Girlfriend is not very affectionate over text, or phone, etc. She is just not very good expressing affection with words. On the other hand am much more willing and forthcoming on that area. In the beginning this grew to be a bit of a problem, but I learned overtime that it does not necessarily correlate to how she feels about me, because she demonstrates her affection in other ways, and I know she loves/cares for me. It has to do with how she grew up etc. Bottom line is, I don't necessarily like it, but I understand it, accept it, and I am okay with it.

 

However, in order to not make myself feel depressed or that things are unbalanced, I had to cut back on some of my expressing as well. If I feel I am giving more than I am receiving, it just... doesn't make me feel good. Makes me feel like I am being clingy, needy, gets me to be slightly insecure... and I HATE that. With a passion, hate it. So if something I do is not being returned, there are two options: 1) It starts being returned. 2) I stop doing it (not my favorite, but it works).

 

So I cut back on my expressing, a lot it seems... and girlfriend has noticed this. Yesterday we were talking on the phone, and she was mentioning (not in a complaining way), how she feels she is the only one that calls now, and that she misses when I used to surprise call her in the middle of the day for no reason other than talk a little bit, and exchange a few sweet nothings. She is feeling, what I used to feel. I don't want her to feel this way, but at the same time I feel scared to give more and then feel unappreciated for what I do. So ... I don't know. It was rather late at night, so I just told her we would talk about it Saturday.

 

Any ideas?? I don't think I should expect her to change who she is, and become someone she is not to please me, because that wouldn't work, and only be temporary, until she felt resentment, or something. And I don't want her to cut back on what she is doing either, I actually want more, I feel that she is still not as forthcoming with compliments, or affectionate talking as I wish she would be. I am also feeling somewhat guilty in that I sometimes compare her in my head to some other girl I was going out with before meeting her who had me 100% satisfied in this respect (I still prefer my gf in nearly every single other area)... I just wish I had that from her as well.......

[RedDress]

So... here's the thing. You say that you are ok with the idea that she expresses her affection in different ways... but then you (passive-agressively?) hold back on your own affection. If you were really ok with it, would you have to mitigate or manage your feelings on the matter?

 

I mean... I think you are back to the original problem. You are NOT ok with her lack of verbal affection.

 

So... going back to the beginning... something has to give. Either you have to find a way to be ok with it truly knowing that she shows affection in other ways or she needs to find ways to start being more expressive (or both?)

 

Food for thought... why is it when she has to change it's "changing who she is" and "becoming someone she's not" but when YOU have to change it's different?

 

Maybe it needs to be somewhere in the middle...

[ToF]

Have you discussed this with her?

[EQIQ]

Food for thought... why is it when she has to change it's "changing who she is" and "becoming someone she's not" but when YOU have to change it's different?

 

I think that this is what has me feeling down, and why I mentioned right at the beginning of the post that I feel that this is an unfair situation. I just think I am more able to be flexible and adjust to these things than she will be. Expressing to her really comes with an effort, and maybe what she feels is enough... is not enough lol... I don't know.

[EQIQ]

Have you discussed this with her?

 

Yes I have. Not this new issue that she feels that she is doing more than I am, but the issue that I felt that I was doing more expressing than her. And she has been trying to work on being more expressive, and I do see "some" improvement. But it is not still where I would like it. And I just have to accept that it won't ever be to the level that I want. I just know this, because it is not natural within her, and it is natural within me, so it will never match me.

 

On the other hand, she is much more organized than I am, and I am somewhat messy. We both know that I will never be as tidy as she is, and she knows that she will have to deal with it. I will try and improve, and do the best I can, but I think that these are some of those things that you know that won't change a whole lot, and just have to accept about the partner... even though you wish it was different. (So long as the main things, and in general the person pleases and is up to standards... a few things can get away).

 

Anyway.. I just didn't really expect this to happen... that she would feel the same way I was feeling before. I thought that since she is not as much into giving it, then she wouldn't be so crazy about receiving it either.... I think I might be wrong.......

[miserable19]

I am just like your girlfriend. I dont know why but is it really dificult for me to express my feeling even if i really really like the guy. I just guess im kinda shy.

 

I would suggest to keep being as affectionate and expessive as you can and when she feels comfortable enough she will also open up to you. I think its just a matter of time if she is like me.

 

How long have you been going out?

[EQIQ]

A little over a year now. Besides this I have very few complaints. I am just looking for a way to deal with it to minimize issues and so that the both of us will be more content and satisfied. Not that I am thinking of breaking up or anything like that.

[Ms Darcy]

Choice 1. You change. Choice 2. She changes. Choice 3. You continue to be passive aggressive and you get more and more Choice. Choice 4. You end it.

 

People do not really change ... so long term this is your option. I think you should give some real thought to four.

[kittykitty]

Sounds like you have a power struggle going on in your mind - you feel you lose your power when you are more affectionate so you take it away from her to gain the power back.

 

There is nothing right about that. You either need to learn to accept that this is the way she is or find someone more compatible with you.

 

I am close to ending a relationship where there was a lot of passive aggressive behavior on his part and a power struggle/ hot-cold. It's not good for anyone.

[EQIQ]

I wouldn't break up over this. There seems to be no issue when we are together in person, this is mostly a distance thing (we live 1 hour away, see each other once a week on average). I have spent entire weekends with her before, and we did not have this issue at all... the issue we usually have is finding ways to get away from other people so we can spend time together alone lol. Since we are both aiming for marriage, and this distance thing is temporary I don't think this is something worth breaking up over. If we had a problem in person though.... different story. I am just gonna talk to her tomorrow and see how it goes. We really just need to find a middle ground and balance around it for the next year or so.

[Ms Darcy]

Ah, that's a big difference. OK, then I do think it's workable.

 

But don't underestimate the power of resentment. I think you need to make clear requests of her. Sometimes be prescriptive for someone who does not do things naturally (e.g. I would like you to call me three times a week.)

[lovinggirl]

I think you should work on yourself, "being OK" with expressing your feelings like you used to and not feeling clingy, needy or insecure.

A good relationship is when you ask yourself what your partner need instead of what you need. I mean, if you stop being affectionate because your partner was not as affectionate as you wanted her to be, it means you're being affectionate because you want a "pay off". That's not relationship, that's business deal.