Awkward feeling with about boyfriend's female friend

[blossom88]

So I have a man, I love him and he loves me but have this issue bugging the hell out of me. Before we got together he had 2 female friends that he said had "a thing for him" but he said the feeling was not mutual with either of them.

 

What bugs me is his association with these women. They have stayed in contact and they regulary invite him for their parties etc. I was invited ONCE and felt so uncomfortable with the way this woman looked at me. Almost like she was sending fiery darts by her glance alone. I went to show that it didn't bother me and that Girl A could see that I was his woman.

 

Girl B likes him, the story about behind this is that they used to be housemates, she met his parents and sister but they didnt like her. When he told me this all I could think is why would the parents have an opinion on a normal housemate?

 

Coming to the Nth event that he has been invited to a party by Girl B and my resentment grows by the minute. He says I can go along with him but who wants to play games "claim my man" at this party? I dont mind him having female friends because i have male friends too. But when it comes to the ones who like him i take exeption to it. I expressed my unhappiness and now he has gone quiet on me. Was i wrong to express displeasure at this? Would anyone be comfortable with this and tolerate it?

[DN]

You are choosing not to go to these parties, it's not as if he is excluding you so he can be there alone. When you express your displeasure what the underlying message is that you don't trust him even though he has done nothing to deserve it.

[ToF]

When you say you expressed your displeasure, how exactly did you go about doing that? Did you tell him you were upset about his going to the party, or about this girl in general? And when you said it, how did you word it?

 

I think this is something that could be resolved through a lot of communication. That said, the communication has to be calm, non-accusatory, and rational.

[blossom88]

I was upset about both, him feeling the need that he has to hang out with these women. I have only been asked to these events twice and gone once and I did not enjoy myself. I would usually express my displeasure verbally. Something like "I feel uncomfortable you hanging around a woman who likes you. I would rather you had platonic female friends as opposed to the ones who like you". I dont know how much more rational I can sound and I think that if it was me hanging with these guys he would not really like it.

[dasilver]

I was upset about both, him feeling the need that he has to hang out with these women. I have only been asked to these events twice and gone once and I did not enjoy myself. I would usually express my displeasure verbally. Something like "I feel uncomfortable you hanging around a woman who likes you. I would rather you had platonic female friends as opposed to the ones who like you". I dont know how much more rational I can sound and I think that if it was me hanging with these guys he would not really like it.

 

I have to agree with you OP....

 

I have a lady i work for here at the office. She has such a great relationship with her boyfriend of 2 years.

 

Her man is an… oh so very good looking successful banker. I asked her if she ever has problems with women all over him and she said “No”.

 

I asked her “How come?” and she said “because we agreed earlier in the relationship that we would do our bests to try not to put ourselves in positions that would cause each other pain. That could be anywhere from close interactions with the ex’s to spending an unnecessary amount of time with the opposite sex”

 

If you don’t like your man spending time with these women who seem to have a thing for him, you are well within your right to ask him to please slow down on how much time he spends with them. He may not agree with you but he should respect you.

[becomingkate]

My opinion on this type of thing is never very popular and I'm sure not everyone will agree with me, but I personally do not have any kind of relationship with someone who any sexual attachments. I'm not friends with exes, or hang out with people who have expressed any interest in me. I ask my husband to do the same.

 

My husband is a good looking guy. He works in the healthcare industry as a delivery driver and wears a uniform similar to that of a police officer. OH MY GOD. Everywhere we go, women are looking him up and down. He works mainly with female respiratory therapists, who all tease him for being a cutey. Hell, even the male EMT's hit on him, lol!

 

Anyway, after eight years of this we have settled into a routine which keeps us both feeling secure. He would never go out for a drink with one of the female RT's without inviting me, and I wouldn't have coffee with a friend that fancied me unless he was there (even then I doubt it.)

 

I think that it is a courtesy that you extend to your spouse, so I probably wouldn't commit to someone who couldn't see my point. Not to say that people don't come around, eventually.

[whysoalone]

Wonder how the OP would feel if he asked her not to spend as much time with her male friends. I mean, girls can't have male friends, well they can. But there's no way that guy isn't thinking about "what if", unless he's homosexual.

 

Stupid quote aside, you have to trust him. Would you honestly stop talking to your male friends if he asked you to? It's a bit hypocritical to ask him to stop talking to them.

[pl3asehelp]

Agree with this 100%. Having relationships with ex's or people who have expressed romantic interest is a dealbreaker for me. This is almost exclusively something people do in their 20's and when they find out that it causes nothing but problems they eventually learn and abandon this foolish idea.

[moniker]

Wonder how the OP would feel if he asked her not to spend as much time with her male friends. I mean, girls can't have male friends, well they can. But there's no way that guy isn't thinking about "what if", unless he's homosexual.

 

Stupid quote aside, you have to trust him. Would you honestly stop talking to your male friends if he asked you to? It's a bit hypocritical to ask him to stop talking to them.

 

I agree with this for the most part. Men are typically not "friends" with females, I'm not saying it's not possible, but 90% of the time there is interest. It was a classic double standard with my ex and I, she wanted to have male friends with no boundaries (even new male friends), even when it made me uncomfortable. I literally had 2 female friends that I might grab lunch with every few months with little to no contact in between, and both always had bfs, never single.

 

If I asked her to reverse her situation with her male friends, she'd admit she wouldn't like me doing the same things with females, but wouldn't change her behavior, it was always "different" for her even though I was more than willing to not hang out with the 2 female friends I had if necessary (1 of them I actually cut out of my life for over a year for my ex and it didn't phase me at all).

 

OP, are you positive none of your male friends like you? I'm not saying you are being unreasonable, I honestly think when in a relationship, contact with members of the opposite sex should be limited, but make sure it's a reversible request, because some of your male friends probably like you ... would you give them up just for your bf's sense of security?

[Ms Darcy]

Wonder how the OP would feel if he asked her not to spend as much time with her male friends. I mean, girls can't have male friends, well they can. But there's no way that guy isn't thinking about "what if", unless he's homosexual.

 

Stupid quote aside, you have to trust him. Would you honestly stop talking to your male friends if he asked you to? It's a bit hypocritical to ask him to stop talking to them.

 

The OP made it clear that having female friends is not the issue. Having friends who have crushes/are attracted to him is the issue.

 

I tend to agree with BecomingKate in that you need a partner who can communicate openly with you on these topics and with whom you can reach agreements on this subject.

[Lockwood]

Yeah, I don't think I'd remain close friends with a woman who expressed that kind of interest in me. I just think it would be insensitive to my partner. Also, and it's such a simple thing that's so often neglected, I'm quite sure that he'd object if the shoe were on the other foot. If the OP was hanging out with guys who had a thing for her. Heck, I'm sure I've read threads just like that several times in the last week alone.

 

We can debate trust until the cows come home, but even if there's all the trust in the world sensitivity still has a place - as does having just the one shared standard. Trust, yes, but be trustworthy too. Some people evoke the word trust to give themselves a free pass to behave like a hypocrite.

[ReturnToSender]

I always feel like its playing with fire when hanging out with people who had or have a crush on you and if you’re in a relationship it’s a big no no. Just out of respect towards you he should stop hanging out with them especially since you addressed the issue with him. I wonder how he would feel is the shoe was on the other foot?? When in a relationship there are just certain things you just don’t do especially if it makes your SO uncomfortable. You need to sit him down and explain again why you feel the way you do.

[blossom88]

My issue here is the female friends that show interest in my man. In my case if any of my male friends crossed the line and made a move on me I would definitely be kicking them to the curb. We have had a talk and although he doesn't seem to get where am coming from he will limit his interaction with these women. Even though I trust my man I have not intention of letting him playing with fire AKA these women lol. Nice to see the different views and ideas from you guys. As for attenting the parties I can go and play the futile role of bodyguard (girlfriend) and endure fake interaction with these women. Not enjoyable.

[ToF]

As for attenting the parties I can go and play the futile role of bodyguard (girlfriend) and endure fake interaction with these women. Not enjoyable.

 

Really, blossom? Listen to how negative you're being. And for what reason? Because two women think it's fun to flirt with your boyfriend?

 

I think you're allowing these women to have too much control over you and your relationship. Take that control back. Go to the parties because you want to spend time with your boyfriend in a social setting. Go because you enjoy going out with him, and interacting with friends together. If these girls are all over your boyfriend, don't get in the middle of it. Just bring it up to him afterward, saying something like, "When [girls' names] were doing X and Y in front of everyone, I felt uncomfortable. I think this may be a boundary for me, and that we should discuss what to do if it happens again."

 

Don't go if you intend to act as a "bodyguard". Not only will that remove all the fun (and thus the point of attending) from the party, but it will make you seem extremely insecure. Just focus on spending time with him, being confident in the knowledge that he is there with you, not anyone else.

 

And try to be more positive. Thinking of your role (in any setting) as "futile" will only make things more difficult. Head high!

[pl3asehelp]

My issue here is the female friends that show interest in my man. In my case if any of my male friends crossed the line and made a move on me I would definitely be kicking them to the curb. We have had a talk and although he doesn't seem to get where am coming from he will limit his interaction with these women. Even though I trust my man I have not intention of letting him playing with fire AKA these women lol. Nice to see the different views and ideas from you guys. As for attenting the parties I can go and play the futile role of bodyguard (girlfriend) and endure fake interaction with these women. Not enjoyable.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't be happy unless he made the decision to stop spending time around women he knows are interested in him on his own. If he doesn't understand why that's important, then I feel he's just not ready for a relationship. I would certainly not want to go out to parties where he knows these women are and he's going to spend time with them instead of shooting them down or ignoring them.

[Fudgie]

The issue here isn't having female friends...the issue here is that he's having female friends who want him romantically/sexually. And there is the problem.

 

I think it's disrespectful to have such friendships when you're in a relationship, but that's just me. I have no issue with my boyfriend having female friends or even him seeing them without me, but if one of them "liked" him, had a crush on him, or was flirting with him, then I would expect him to tell her to cut it out and cool down the friendship.

 

I was in this situation about 6 months ago when a female friend of my boyfriend really began to "act up" so to speak. He only saw her less than once a month with other friends but she started trying to call him more, he told me. I had no problems with her before and she knew very well he was with me...I've known him longer than she has too. My boyfriend told me what she said to him and I said "Invite her to your next show" and he did. I went and it was BS...she did that "laser eye" thing. She kept interjecting about "how well she knew him", how they had this "SPAYSHUL" connection cause they shared a class in highschool, and when he got done playing, she pushed me out of the way to try and hug him. My boyfriend was like "Wow, what a s___" and told her he didn't want to associate with her.

 

The key here is to be present but cool, that's what I did. You look like a cool girlfriend and she looks like a s___ for trying things.

[dasilver]

Oh! If every boyfriend could be like this....(swoon)....

[Snny]

Oh! If every boyfriend could be like this....(swoon)....

And those guys are real keepers.

 

I agree... anytime you mention to your SO that you are hanging out with friends of the opposite gender who are romantically interest... it puts off a poor impression about yourself in your SO's mind. Trust issues are brought up to the surface and the relationship is set up for failure as long as those "friendships" exist.

 

Why on earth do people do this? I have no idea.

 

This guy has no respect for the OP... sorry. If he truly cared about her, he would see these girls less or cut the friendship cord. He's got a lot of nerve to go to THEIR parties without his SO after she said that she expressed her concerns about these girls. Wow if that were my guy, that would completely cross the line and we would be through.

[abitbroken]

I think your worries are valid. Its not so much he wants to be with him, but maybe his ego is being stroked? A friendship can't be if there is attraction and interest. They clearly are very interested and he knows this and doesn't care. Personally this speaks of his character. My ex was someone who always try to justify to me why he kept in touch with women like this. He always made it like it was my problem and not his.