Problems with reconciliation

[Pleasedonot5]

Hello ENA.

 

Recently, if any of you have been following my story, my ex girlfriend (who broke up with me a little over two months ago for legitimate reasons that I've fixed, although it took her a little while to come around afterwards) told me she wanted to work things out. I agreed although I told her I have some serious apprehensions and told her what they were. She said she understood so everything seemed to be working out just fine. The problems are, I've been having some issues with trusting her, and she's doing some things to upset me.

 

I might have set myself up for failure, because after a while of NC and her reaching out to me every few days, I thought I had to "leave the door open" for her because she's shy. So, we reestablished contact, and I asked her to lunch a few days later, where she told me she wanted to work things out, but wanted to take things slow. So basically, I did most of the work towards reconciliation, even after being dumped. We hung out one more time after that and it was fun, we kissed, etc. Things have been going well, except when I talk to her I feel insecure and anxious, even if I put up a confident front most of the time. We've started talking as more than friends and we're going to be on vacations until the 25th of August. We've been contacting each other regularly.

 

A few things that bugged me in the past week:

 

-She lied about hanging out with me to her parents (said she was going to the mall with friends) and when I dropped her off I did it a few houses away (even though her family as far as I know loves me.... she said it's because she didn't want to have to deal with all of the questions).

 

-She once notified me that she was going to briefly hang out with the guy she rebounded with (so I was happy that she felt loyalty towards me even though we're not technically together), but recently I found out that she hung out with him and another couple on a different occasion(s) over her house. I don't know how to feel about that because she's technically single but why tell me once if not the other times?

 

-She'll happily flirt with me through text and private messaging, but on Facebook it seems as she doesn't like to (I only tried to once on one of her funny pictures, I'm not a creep, honest).... even though when we were in our previous relationship of over 13 months casually flirted in our public interactions all of the time. This might go back to her "not wanting her parents/friends to ask questions," but it makes me feel that she doesn't want people to know about us. This makes my insecurities and anxiety peak.

 

We call each other babe, cutie, etc. through texts, and I understand if she doesn't want to be affectionate in public, but to not let anyone publicly know about us at all? Am I being really insecure or is there something off about all of this? I do believe she wants me back, but this behavior makes me wonder why she even likes me -- like how am I good enough?

 

I know I can find other girls pretty easily. I'm a good-looking, intelligent, charming, usually confident guy, but I don't feel confident around her anymore... and it's heightened because of this behavior. What do I do? Should I tell her and ask her about this behavior? Should I let it be and try to keep acting confident? Should I tell her I wish she would try harder, or is that a no-no? Should I ask for space until the vacations are over? Should I ask her to be exclusive with me now? She doesn't know that anything's wrong right now, except that I've been acting on-and-off distant today.

 

What do you think, ENA? I feel kinda trapped right now. I want her, but I don't like the way I feel right now because of the way she's acting. Please feel free to be harsh and cold, I don't care. I just need some insight/advice.

 

EDIT: I probably have more to add but forgot because I'm a little out of it right now. I'm also stressed due to school-related assignments, being away from all of my friends for a week now (up north with grandparents, nothing to do) and feel myself losing a little muscle on my arms because there's no gym around. I hate feeling like I'm not making any progress. Maybe all of this is causing me to act/think weird too? I don't know.

[th1sisme]

Having moved back with my parents right before my BU, if I were to reconcile with my ex (if he reached out to me) I wouldn't tell them about it to not complicate my life/get judged.

 

The rebound.. that's a bit suspicious..

 

I wasn't overly public with my RS on FB but neither was he.. he was even more private.

 

When we hung out in public we'd kiss and stuff. some people aren't PDA type

[Pleasedonot5]

Thing is, she was. I don't know why it should be different now. She hated that her ex didn't like to even hold her hand and stuff because it made her feel like he was embarassed of her. I don't know if I'm wrong to feel that way too, even if we're not back together yet.

 

And you think I shouldn't ask her about the parents thing?

[tallydoo]

You guys aren't officially back together. She might just be protecting herself in case it doesn't happen--my ex and I haven't told any of our mutual friends yet that we started dating again for that very reason. Dealing with the fallout of one breakup was enough for both of us right now.

 

As far as hanging out with her rebound--there's not really a whole lot you can do. Was this other occasion before or after she let you know about the first one, and was it before or after you guys decided to work things out?

 

You really need to have the mindset you did when you were first dating. Like, the very first date. That mindset should help with the trust. There's been a fundamental break between you two, and that can only heal with time--so take it slow. It's a new relationship, not a continuation of the old one.

[Ms Darcy]

If you actually want to get back together with her, I wouldn't worry about anything except the fact that she hung out with her ex multiple times.

[DN]

-She once notified me that she was going to briefly hang out with the guy she rebounded with (so I was happy that she felt loyalty towards me even though we're not technically together), but recently I found out that she hung out with him and another couple on a different occasion(s) over her house. I don't know how to feel about that because she's technically single but why tell me once if not the other times?

So she will let her family think she is with this guy she rebounded with but doesn't want them to know she is getting back with you?

 

Something is wrong here - it almost looks as if you are being kept on the backburner rather than wanting a proper relationship with you.

[carabucott]

Here is my take on this:

 

The fact that you guys broke up before might explain why she lied about hanging out with you to her parents. I would not worry too much about it for now. However, if you guys decide to make it official and in a month or so she still does not tell them about you, that would be a red flag.

 

Hanging out with the rebound while you guys are talking about getting back together is very suspicious in my opinion. she might be undecided right now and might just be stringing you along until she makes up her mind. If I were you, I would definitely ask her to be exclusive with me as long we decided to get back together.

 

One important thing to remember: for your relationship to work this time around, you both need to consider it as a new relationship rather than a continuation of what you guys had. Make sure you talk and you both are on the same page regarding what needs to change.

 

Regarding your trust issue: Once the trust is broken, it's really hard to get it back. Period. It takes a lot of time and work. Do you feel like you can learn to trust her again ?

 

The main thing here is to decide what you will accept and what you want. The answers are all inside of you. I hope this helps.