So ... I am a guy and I cheated ... (long)

[casado001]

So the story goes like this ...

So It seem to me that the few occasions that I get to go out with my wife is on some funky plan involving other, social gatherings of very irrelevant kind for me, and that plains suck.

 

I understand that she has her own interests, but this time I got pulled to a charity event in a hotel in Philly. A noble cause indeed, but again, I was left alone all night long. Whe where with some friends, and maybe it was just me but I felt ignored by her, our friends, etc.

 

Maybe I am not all that interesting after all ... the hell I understand what is going on ....

 

An interesting fact was that I was approached a few times by other women that night. Not bragging intended, but I am a very good looking guy in very good looking shape, and I got a lot of attention that night. At the end of the event, I was in the coffe line, and a woman approached me an we started a conversation. She was very good looking , very outgoing without being obnouxious (I am a little on the shy side), and we "talked about the weather" for a few moments. Then my wife showed when she was ready to leave, and I introduced her as my wife (I had nothing to be ashamed of) she gave my wife her card, and we left.

 

Of course, on the way back home I got demeaned and insulted again and again for no aparent reason, and then I decided that I had it.

 

There I am, doing all the driving up and down, my wife being late for the event (I forgot to mention that fact), being left on my own all night long ( a miracle that I was in any driving shape after drinking on my own), being forced to be in an event that I had not the wish to participate.

 

I remembered her name from the card (which I had no access to) , did a little research and found her home number. I have to admit that it is not a proper behavior to look for a phone number of a woman that you dont know on the phonebook, but well, I am a guy after all.

 

I called her, and we talked and laughed, and we concerted a date.

 

We went for a couple drinks, and of course it was a awkward for both of us since I am married, and she met my wife!!! Obviously, I was not hiding a single fact.

 

Obviously, the conversation drifted towards my marriage, and I asked her what was her thoughts about that.

 

"Well, I was sitting close to you at dinner, I and swear that I thought you where alone!!"

 

So much for being healthy and good looking, everybody but your wife pays attention to you ....

 

Needles to say, at the end of the date she told me to flip a coin and pick.

 

Needles to say that I tricked the choices, both sides indicated that we would be together at her place. I am a guy after all!!

 

She was conflicted at first, and she told me that this was the first time that she was with a married man. I believed her, since she has a life of her own and she has no need for trouble.

 

I am telling you, I keep to myself and dont start any conversation with woman no whatsoever ever ever ever ever, not even look or stare nor aknowdlege.

 

But a guy can take so much denial and neglect, so there.

 

We made love the remainder of the night, without hurry, without a second thought nor holding back.

 

 

Beautiful.

 

 

Next day my wife comes back in town. Is getting cold (the weather, that is old news about my wife) and I had my pijamas on. For all that matter, I could have a scuba diver's suit , air tank, fins and everything and not be noticed.

 

 

That was 2 days ago, and I do not feel guilty at all. I feel left way too far back behind in the order of priorities. I have been depressed, alone (even on my birthday for the last 2 years) and feeling worthy..

 

If anyone had the slightest clue about psychology, one feels the way the environment reacts to you.

 

I have not made love to my wife in a long, long , long time, and I miss her very much. It is in the same bed, yet so far away ... , well, usually she actually IS far away .. . but anyhow, I miss her a lot.

 

But on monday nite, when most people where asleep, far away from my neighborhood (more like woods here) I felt like a king. I felt the most desireable, handsome, good looking, fittest, funny, interesting man in the universe.

 

Despite all odds, someone payed attention to me. Someone wanted to touch me , someone made love to me.

 

I missed that for a long time,

 

My worries are, if a I get a divorce, then marry again (I am that kind of guy, romantic i guess) , will my future marriage be the same?

 

Or just keep this one, and wait if anything I try will ever work. Save the horror of divorce, and just suck it up and put a brave face.

 

Anyhow, I need feedback from GUYS that they might have been in the same situation, or currently going under the same ordeal..

 

MAny thanks

 

 

A friend

[Venturer]

I can't say I have any advice for you here as I have never been married (not even remotely close!) ... but I just wanted to say this:

 

Normally, I resent people for cheating on each other and that is one of the reasons that I am wary of marriage. But man, your story was beautiful. It almost brought a tear to my eye. You were neglected by your own wife, and you needed someone to touch you, feel you, and make love to you. We all need that. We're human. I don't blame you for your actions... heck, if I were you I might have done the same thing!

 

But as for your marriage... it sounds like something is definitely not right here. It may be a sign that you guys need to talk... and sorry to say it, but it may even be that you need to end the marriage if things don't get much better than this.

[Day_Walker]

You need to realize what you have learned from this situation, you have seen that sex in a relationship is crucial. If you decide to end this relationship and pursue a new one, the other persons sex drive needs to be an issue that is important. You need to know this so you dont fall into the same trap as you did previously. There is also a reason why you and your wife arent having sex, if you still want to work things out with her then you need to find what the problem is and solve it.

[Cecelius]

I'm usually pretty harsh on cheating, so the fact that you are a guy and that you are being ignored in your relationship is not good enough reason to go ahead and do this. At least you are not conflicted in who you want to be with.

 

Break up with your wife but realize that the other woman may not work out either. Some of that depends on her, some on you. Make sure that you are putting your efforts where they should go, though.

[lunatic]

I normally would berate a cheater but, this is a special case in my eyes. I have to say I read your post and I can see your side of things. I was in the same boat for a few years myself with my ex. If she is not willing to work things out with you then you have to end the relationship.

 

I say if your that unhappy then it is time to get out of there. There is no reason to stay in a relationship that is TOTALLY one sided.

 

Hubman 8)

[ForAnother]

Agreed incredible story. I have never cheated, because I believe in absolute loyalty. Through this, I don't know what to say. I think you have done wrong... yet at the same time found what makes you happy. Its been a discovery point perhaps, and now you need to act on it.

 

I broke up with my gf about 1 month ago, and I already have had sex with another girl... and for some reason I feel kind of cruel.. did I give it enough time? I just dont' know how I would feel if I were married... I think I'd go out of my mind.

 

Sex is a very very important thing in every relationship. Without it, I don't think that relationships can be maintained. It is key... so perhaps you need to work something out with your wife, and perhaps sex will come in again. Then consider how much you really are throwing away? What if you come accross something great in your wife down the road?

 

I don't know, I believe in utmost honesty and loyalty, but sometimes breakin the rules is a cry for help and discovery. If I were you, I would tell my wife and leave her... I don't know how long I could carry that burden on my heart.

 

Just wanted to repeat how beautiful your story was written... compelling.

 

ForAnother

[sunfirechick]

I am not a guy, but I need to say this:

 

Something brought the two of you together, and it was special enough for you both to commit to this relationship by getting married. It is obvious that you are being neglected, but I think that it is very important that you sit down with your wife and have a good talk about how you feel and why. She could be so caught up in her work and travels (which is still NO excuse) that she doesn't even realize the effect it is having on you and the relationship. You need to talk to her immediately. If you never really talk about it, divorce is just an easy way out, as far as I'm concerned. Good luck to you.

[peanut15]

I am not a guy but a woman in the same position as you were...however I did not cheat on my husband...he cheated on me.

 

Like you, I was always there for my husband and many times at events...I'd get ignored. We work opposite schedules and never really get to see him. After all that we managed to have 2 kids but his schedule is still the opposite of ours and doesn't get to see the kids as much.

 

After our second..he had his affair. Instead of making time for me..he went to meet this woman who knew I existed and he slept with her several times. All this time...I had been throwing myself at him and had been faithful. But still got ignored and felt lonely and depressed. I am not ugly for that matter and I'm sure there are many guys willing to go out with me as well. My husband's reason...he felt lonely and that I wanted no part of him. The exact problem...he never communicated with me on anything.

 

After reading your post...I do have to say that I feel for you and I wish your wife paid more attention to you. However I think it was selfish of you to do such a thing as sleep with some woman ..especially one that met your wife. To me...that woman is a cheap (I'd say something else but afraid that this won't post).

 

YOU need to talk to your wife and discuss what is going on and why you feel so bad. If it starts up an argument...so be it...but your point is made. What gets me is that there are men and women who go off and complain that their spouses do not pay attention to them. Well what do you expect from so many years of marriage. There are also two sides of the story here. You may portray your wife as cold and always too busy for you...but have you actually approached her about it. During these events when you feel ignored...maybe you should make your presense known with her. Have you ever thought that maybe she feels like you are ignoring her at these events by sitting in some corner alone?

 

These are just some things to think about. I don't mean to go off on you as I really do feel for you however, your story just seems like what my husband tried to play off on this woman he had his affair with. The problem was that he was using how I felt to get her in bed and I'm sure she used some fake story about her life to make him feel bad as well to get him in bed as well (she is married to).

[sisterlynch]

Sad sad story, start the divorse proceedings immediately. She isn't treating you correctly. A person, male or female, can only take so much abuse before they feel banished emotionally from the other and she is certainly treating you like a piece of furniture. Being single has got to be better for your self esteem than this!

[Mun]

I have not made love to my wife in a long, long , long time, and I miss her very much.

Hi Casado,

This is so sad. It sounds like your marriage is suffering from boredom and neglect. You really must talk to your wife once more and tell her how you are feeling. Try to find a solution together that will benefit both of you. Would you consider marriage counseling?

 

This marriage is doomed unless you are both willing to work on it. I hope that you can make your wife understand your needs and your feelings. Maybe she is feeling the same thing you are but she does not know how to approach the subject.

 

Could she be resentful towards you about something? I hope you find out what the problem is and are able to fix it.

 

Wishing you the best

[Silverado]

I think the sad part about this story is you were using your troubled marriage as an excuse to have an affair. No marriage is perfect and it takes work from both parties to maintain a healthy marriage.

Needless to say I am a guy,

which sounds like another excuse to justify your actions. Well needless to say I'm a guy too with a few opportunities in the past to stray, but I never have. Didn't even consider it. If you don't like your marriage, either work on it or get out of it but don't use it to make excuses for yourself.

[melrich]

I have been in a similar situation in all respects except that I did not have a fling. The fact that you did is I think irrelevant, the real problem you have is the relationship with your wife. In my case I ended up seperating from my wife. 3 months later I met someone who gave me everything I was looking for.

 

So you would think that I am happy? Far from it. I still carry an enormous amount of grief from the breakdown of my marriage. This has a huge impact on my new relationship. If I had my time over I would have taken a different course. I would have confronted all the issues (similar to yours) with my wife. What do you have to lose. If they were still unresolvable I would have left her. Then I would have taken a couple of years to get over it. (all the experts seem to say that it takes 2-3 years to resolve issues from a long marriage).

 

Talk to your wife. Tell her about your fling, don't let the guilt get on top of you. (as I say what have you got to lose?) Don't make your reason for leaving to be with this other woman. You will find your seperation (if it comes to that) incredibly hard to live with. You should be prepared for that and be willing to go through the pain and grief associated with it.

 

You are in a very tough place. Don't worry about the views of the moralists in here. You are human and all humans need love and another persons touch, that is more important to your sanity than the moral sanctity of a relationship formalised by a piece of paper. If you want to discuss more please feel free to message me. Good luck with everything.

[sisterlynch]

The other question is whether the same thing will happen in another relationship, only if you let it. You can't sit there and allow her to abuse you and not do anything to stop her. You need to learn how to stand up for yourself. Get counseling to see how to stand up for yourself.

[Mike_Wazowski]

Bro...After reading your post and after going through what I have gone through,

 

I have come to the conclusion that as a species....'Mankind is doomed'

 

Good luck! a quote from one of my favorite bands from my youth 'Prepare yourself for the fall, cause you're going to fall...it's almost predictable!'

[lost2004]

casado001,

 

Your marriage situation is very similar to mine. I have been married for a long time and sex life is almost nonexistent.

I have been very unhappy in my marriage just like you.

My marriage situation is much worse than yours because my wife even challenged our legal system many times that hurt me badly. I don't think I still understand her. I even doubt if I still love her.

I wanted to leave her before but she begged so I stayed.

6 months ago, I met a woman and we fell in love.

I understand exactly how you feel. Yes, she has brought me so much happiness.

I know what I did is wrong because I am cheating on my wife no matter how she treated me before.

I am in the process of divorcing my wife now. I want to be responsible for this woman because I know she loves me. Also I don't want to hurt my wife by continuing the affair.

I know there is no guarantee that this woman will work out for me but I am willing to take a chance.

I don't like cheating and it makes me feel like a bad person so I have started the divorce.

I think if you are very unhappy for your marriage, you should consider the divorce instead of cheating on your wife.

[casado001]

I have been quite busy lately, and I had not the chance to read the forum.

I apreciate ALL (I mean it) your comments regarding my situation, and it is very conforting to find people who cares about other people. Specially the ones that rigthfully objected to my affair, I thank you for your honest opinion with the outmost sincerity. I got your sincerity, and I reply with sincerity.

 

I will not tell my wife about this affair.

 

Sounds typical, right?

 

For generations, my family had a long tradition of little to no emotional upheaval (hard to believe for a latin american family), and although I have been the "emotional " one trough my entire life, I have not been all that happy being identifyied as the "conflictive one"

 

(Excuse my english, it is not my native language)

 

I tried to interest my wife into doing things together, but little to no avail.

 

It is also a fact that in my family history there is episodes of infidelity. Trust me that I am telling you the truth; I always condemned this attitudes with the outmost repugnancy, but I was 16 when I learned this fact of life regarding my parents marriage.

 

I have to make a further description about my wife, for informational pourpouses.

 

She is probably one of the most attractive woman that there it is, not only phisically but also intelectually.

Great fondness for the arts, cultures (here I am , right?), outdoor life, handcrafts, etc.

 

Certainly she is not a plain person, and at least I find her attractive in every way. I hugh her during sleep (cats in the middle and everything) cook for her, wait on her (she is always really tired).

 

She is very attentive in many ways, extremelly inteligent (this is probably the most inteligent PERSON I ever met), generous ... the list goes on and on.

 

But also there is another side that takes over that side I like. When tired, she can be one of the most rude people I have ever seen in my life.

I had screaming contests for the most uninportant things ever. She is a perfectionist; I am not a slob, nor a perfectionist.

 

She has been under medication for a condition that she had not cared to disclose to me (she calls them "crazy pills"), and I respected that aspect of her privacy. I wonder if I did wrong ...

 

The worst part is that I miss her very much, and my heart aches for her attention. I only get enough attention to run "bussiness" regarding the house, payments, driving her to the airport.

 

I try to "hijack" her surprising (not so much of a surprise, it is every friday) on a stay at home dinner (cold meats, cheese, olives, and other delicacies she always wants to have), a movie (netflix is a great friend), nice wine and a little secret ingredient.

 

I know, it is a little extreme and nasty. I am ashamed that I confess that I have ....

 

 

 

 

 

!! Disconnected the telephone on Friday nights!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

Why someone would do such thing? .... Maybe is just a fetish of mine ...

 

Anyhow....

 

 

All she does is perfect, and she is the best in her professional field.

Seriously, she is. Many awards to prove it.

 

Did I mention the nice Argentinian wine? (Sorry, I am biased by nationality)

 

No avail .....

 

I dont want to break up the marriage with this incredible woman I married, yet I have to confess that I have spent the last two weeks looking forward to make love to this lovely little woman.

 

Sorry, but that is the way the song goes ...

 

Maybe I am just a douchebag, or maybe is the "latin thing" for having flings.

 

Anyhow, thank you for your understanding and dont be shy on posting or "reposting" your comments.

 

Sincerely yours

 

casado001 (aka in spanish = married001)

ps: funny, "casado" means "married", but it also means "hunted down"

[tea]

I doubt it's the latin thing to do. Both my boyfriend, his brothers, and his father despise adultary. His father grew up in a family where all his grandfather will do is to sleep with other women until his grandmother can't stand it anymore, takes the kids, and travel a couple of states accross to start a new life.

 

Needless to say, his father has never cheated on his mother. The two of them argue all the time, but they truly love each other.

 

Don't blame your own inability to keep to your vows on your culture.

[casado001]

What about love and cherish each other?

 

I think , although I am wrong, that I got cheated on the "respect" "love" cherish" "friendship" thing ....

 

As I have stated before, I disdain my relatives for having affairs and bragging about them ...

 

Just trying to make sense of things ...

 

Marriage not ending soon ...

 

More news in next bulletin ...

[Scout]

I think the sad part about this story is you were using your troubled marriage as an excuse to have an affair. No marriage is perfect and it takes work from both parties to maintain a healthy marriage.

Needless to say I am a guy,

which sounds like another excuse to justify your actions. Well needless to say I'm a guy too with a few opportunities in the past to stray, but I never have. Didn't even consider it. If you don't like your marriage, either work on it or get out of it but don't use it to make excuses for yourself.

 

Amen to that! That's what I was thinking the whole time I was reading your story. If your marriage was so bad, you had an obligation to try and fix it - or leave. There is rarely a good excuse for infidelity - and not in your case either, I'm afraid I must say.

[Mun]

Something is different about your last post. I may be way of here, but I get the feeling that you somehow find this affair amusing. Or-- the fact that you are having an affair amusing.

 

You want to stay married to this woman whom you describe as near perfect. By your own admission she is intelligent, professional and top in her field. It sounds as if the marriage itself is a sort of "trophy" to you. You are unhappy yet you don't want to let go of all the prestige this marriage carries.

 

So this leads me to wonder. Are you resentful towards her because she is such a success? Are you as successful as she is? Do you think in some way you feel inferior and this is some deep rooted attempt to get back at her for being such a complete person ( and showing you up in the process)???

 

Like I said I may be wrong, but this is what I wondered when I read this last post.

 

Culture is no excuse for an affair. Integrity has no race or color.

[casado001]

And yes, she is a trophy wife as much as I am a trophy husband.

 

ANd yes, as I am conflicted about my completely delicious affair.

 

No, I do not resent her success, and please get this right.

 

int resent (choiceFreetime, choiceActivites, choiceAdjetivesTowardsMe);

int sadness (aloneWeekends, aloneHobbies, aloneOutdoors);

 

There you have it in c++

 

I could make some more declaration definitions

[OceanEyes]

casado001 - when did you start noticing changes in your wife? You obviously wouldn't have married her if she was neglecting you originally.

 

Did you start noticing these changes when her career started taking off? There are usually other factors in life that cause changes to relationships.

 

It doesn't seem like there is any mature communication between you and your wife, which I am going to assume is probably the cause - and possible solution - to this whole ordeal.

[antzca2000]

Why is so many people supporting this man's actions?!?!

 

You & your wife werent working out, it would make sense for you to divource her or to talk things out.

 

 

Instead you cheated on her with no regrets. You know being neglected doesnt justify cheating, it justifies your desire to end the relationship or see a councellor, but never cheating.

 

 

I dont know why some are supporting you because this is your side of the story. In no way am I saying that your straight up lying, but how does your wife feel? You ever bother to see what's making her so aggravated? Ever try to find out why shes treating you this way? Dont make assumptions or jump to conclusions.

 

 

Everyone wants to be loved by someone, but theres a reason you married this woman in the first place. I dunt understand how any men or women can promise to love and cherish each other but end up cheating on their significant other because things are becoming hard. I dont understand how you showd her no respect by not even ending the marridge first before you engaged in sexual activities with another woman.

 

 

 

It disappoints me to see how people value modern day marridges. I say you try and work it out with your wife.

[Mun]

Casado,

I think I had it wrong... maybe you are having this affair as your way of getting back at your wife for neglecting you. This might be why you come accross ( to me) as though you are enjoying going behind her back. You are flaunting this affair on here ---you try to justify it to yourself and to us. You would have us believe that you are the victim here, not your wife... am I correct?

 

I want to know... what would you like us to say? What is it that will help you in your situation? Do you want to save your marriage?

 

You can express yourself all you want, but are you looking for a solution?

[casado001]

I dont have many friends around who will give me any advice in the matter.

 

Just looking to find some voices of reason, as many and different they might be.

 

Keep it coming!!

 

BTW, not looking for approval or anything.