How to say no...? :/

[itsallgrand]

Yeah, it'd certainly be nice to move out. Honestly, though, I'm not even sure where to move to. I'm not very "street smart", so I don't know where, nearby, is considered the "safe" part of town, and what's the "bad" part of town. One of the biggest things I'm paranoid about, silly as it sounds, is getting robbed. I know that can pretty much happen to you anywhere you go, but eh.

 

I was thinking about it last night, too, moving, I mean, and it occurred to me that if I moved out, there's so much stuff I'd have to buy initially, like furniture, and even tons and tons of little stuff just for the day-to-day things. Pretty overwhelming. @_@

 

But you are being robbed on a daily basis now. ? LOL.

 

If you aren't going to move out, you should have someone else in charge of your money. Someone you can trust. To put the money away somewhere that even you can't touch.

[MattW]

And there it is, she's hinting about me contributing $5000-10000 for her surgery. Ugh. Part of me feels bad because that's something that's a bit bigger and more important than an unpaid bill, or whatever, but at the same time, that's so much money, and I don't want to dip THAT much into what I have. Hopefully, maybe we can find another way.

[Moontiger]

Honestly I would tell her, "Use the 14 grand I gave you. If you no longer have it I can certainly put money towards your surgery as soon as you tell me exactly what happened to the 14 grand."

[blueidealist24]

I really think it would be cheaper for you to move out, like just rent a room in a student rooming house somewhere. They're just going to take all your money. I'm confused by your statement on the first page that you would still have to pay your parents' bills if you moved out - why would you HAVE to when you're not even living there? That makes no sense. I feel like you already gave them wayyy too much money for a college student with a low paying job to give. I can't believe they're asking this of you. What do they do for jobs, anyway? Why are they always so short of cash?

[MattW]

I really think it would be cheaper for you to move out, like just rent a room in a student rooming house somewhere. They're just going to take all your money. I'm confused by your statement on the first page that you would still have to pay your parents' bills if you moved out - why would you HAVE to when you're not even living there? That makes no sense. I feel like you already gave them wayyy too much money for a college student with a low paying job to give. I can't believe they're asking this of you. What do they do for jobs, anyway? Why are they always so short of cash?

 

Well, I just mean, there are a handful of their bills that I have a direct stake in (to a lesser extent than them), that they can't pay, so I'd have to continue paying for those regardless of living with them or not. As for them, my mom doesn't have a job, and my dad works at a federal reserve bank. I think he roughly makes about $30k a year. I'm not really sure where it all goes, though. I mean, we don't really have anything big or fancy (except for some of the "nicer" things I, myself, saved for and bought), so... I don't think my dad really handles the money, and I can't talk to my mom about their money issues, because she always gets real upset, says she doesn't know and/ or doesn't want to talk about it, says it upsets her and gets her sick, and if I really pry, she'll start crying to get me to go away. So, I can't get any real information from either of them.

[MattW]

Ugh. A little while ago, she said "I've decided you're going to give me $3000 for my surgery". I was probably going to help her out with this, anyway, but that's such a horrible way to say it. She's decided I'm going to give her the money? As if I have no say in it? Regardless of the fact that I still live at home, I'm not a minor, I'm 23. That just seems like such a condescending, disrespectful thing to say.

[metrogirl]

What kind of surgery does she need? Is it not covered by insurance?

[MattW]

She's not covered by my dad's medical insurance. I believe it's some type of laser eye surgery. According to her, the doctor told her that if she doesn't get the surgery, she'll be blind by the end of the year.

[Moontiger]

Ugh. A little while ago, she said "I've decided you're going to give me $3000 for my surgery". I was probably going to help her out with this, anyway, but that's such a horrible way to say it. She's decided I'm going to give her the money? As if I have no say in it? Regardless of the fact that I still live at home, I'm not a minor, I'm 23. That just seems like such a condescending, disrespectful thing to say.

 

Ok, you NEED to say to her, "This is MY money. I will decided how much I will give you. And, from now on when I give you money I expect to have receipts for everything you do with it." Then leave the house and don't come back for a few hours. They are going to bleed you dry if you don't put your foot down.

[Moontiger]

She's not covered by my dad's medical insurance. I believe it's some type of laser eye surgery. According to her, the doctor told her that if she doesn't get the surgery, she'll be blind by the end of the year.

 

Demand to speak with the doctor and to privy to EVERYTHING related to the surgery. If your mom wants your money you have the right to know exactly what is going on. She will pitch a fit but remember, if you are paying their bills they need you. So no matter how mad they get YOU have a LOT of power here.

[journeynow]

How about making any further talk about money conditional that you ALL go to a financial counselor to help them get a better handle on their finances and to help you plan the best use of your assets.

 

The thing is, you're just starting out. They, on the other hand, have had time to accumulate assets, such as house and car and furniture, and perhaps some investments.

 

"there are a handful of their bills that I have a direct stake in (to a lesser extent than them), that they can't pay"

 

Do you owe taxes on the inheritance?

What kind of bills are we talking?

 

Can they sell anything? Are they heading for bankruptcy? Is your dad a banker?

[Moontiger]

How about making any further talk about money conditional that you ALL go to a financial counselor to help them get a better handle on their finances and to help you plan the best use of your assets.

 

The thing is, you're just starting out. They, on the other hand, have had time to accumulate assets, such as house and car and furniture, and perhaps some investments.

 

"there are a handful of their bills that I have a direct stake in (to a lesser extent than them), that they can't pay"

 

Do you owe taxes on the inheritance?

What kind of bills are we talking?

 

Can they sell anything? Are they heading for bankruptcy? Is your dad a banker?

 

This is a great idea! If they accuse you of not helping them you can say, "I will help. Once we speak with a professional. If you really need the money you will do this with me."

[luminousone]

You need to move out.

 

Goodwill or garage sales work for what you will need. You can be very resourceful with a mattress, a few dishes, a microwave, and a table and chairs. Boards and bricks for shelves. You're set!

 

Go for it! It may be beyond your comfort zone but it is time!

 

And about being robbed - just don't have anything of great value and then no worries there.

[luminousone]

Maybe your parents are trying to get you to fly the nest?

[MattW]

And about being robbed - just don't have anything of great value and then no worries there.

 

Heh, kinda hard, considering I already have so much stuff that's worth a lot... I have a desktop computer, a tablet, big CD and DVD collections, and being that it's one of my biggest hobbies, I have several video game systems, as well as a big collection of games. Can't just do without all that stuff...

[MattW]

Maybe your parents are trying to get you to fly the nest?

 

I dunno, my dad doesn't seem to care either way, and if anything, my mom is overly clingy to me. She's always coddled/ babied me, especially because her relationship with her daughter from a previous marriage is rocky at best. Hell, my mom doesn't even like my dad; she hates spending time with him without me, she constantly puts him down, and she even cheats on him. That puts me in a very awkward position, because I hate how my mom treats my dad, but she's still my mom. It's just such a mess of a situation, and while I'm not trying to make excuses for myself, it's one of the reasons I have such a hard time breaking away and going out onto my own, because I don't know what's going to happen to my mom and dad.

 

I mean, my dad's not really the strong type; if he finds out my mom is cheating on him, he'd probably take his own life... I know it holds me down, but on some level, I feel like if I stay here, maybe I can do something about it, or something.

[itsallgrand]

Heh, kinda hard, considering I already have so much stuff that's worth a lot... I have a desktop computer, a tablet, big CD and DVD collections, and being that it's one of my biggest hobbies, I have several video game systems, as well as a big collection of games. Can't just do without all that stuff...

 

Are you serious now?

 

This is one of the pitfalls of adults staying at home and not going out on their own at an earlier age. You get used to the quality of life that your PARENTS have - people who have been around and accruing for years and years and years. You can't EXPECT to have all those types of things. That isn't a given.

 

ANd you would be more than fine if all that was taken away. Actually, it would probably do you good.

 

Laser eye surgery? Get real! If it's medically necessary, it will get taken care of. What would she have done if you didn't get this inheritance then? Go blind?

 

My bets are on that she has a source she would turn to if you turn her down. She just has no reason to do it because you are there dolling out the cash.

 

As for your dad, do you really think staying there being a doormat will help your dad to learn how to stand up for himself? No. You have to be the man, then. Sometimes, and it sucks but it is reality, the parents aren't able to do some things and it is the kids who have to pave the way and help them. You could do that by going out on your own and showing your dad an example of how to stand up for oneself and take care of ones business without a woman. And that you can be happy doing it!

 

It's pretty amazing when your parent turns to you one day and tells you how proud they are of you for doing something they were never able to do...and sometimes it even inspires them!

[MattW]

Are you serious now?

 

This is one of the pitfalls of adults staying at home and not going out on their own at an earlier age. You get used to the quality of life that your PARENTS have - people who have been around and accruing for years and years and years. You can't EXPECT to have all those types of things. That isn't a given.

 

ANd you would be more than fine if all that was taken away. Actually, it would probably do you good.

 

To be fair, all of that is stuff I, personally, saved for and bought over the years, not stuff they bought for me, or for themselves that I also use. Sure, it is just "stuff", and I know there are more important things in life than that kind of thing, but that "stuff" is all I have, and it's "stuff" that makes me happy. I don't really see the problem.

 

Laser eye surgery? Get real! If it's medically necessary, it will get taken care of. What would she have done if you didn't get this inheritance then? Go blind?

 

I've been wondering this same thing, myself. Prior to me having this money, they've been going to my dad's sister (who's fairly wealthy) whenever they need big amounts of money for something important, so I assume they'd probably just do that if I refused, but my mom claims my aunt is going to refuse, too, and say I should do it, since I have this money. Which is semi-believable, to me, because she (my wealthy aunt, I mean) didn't want me getting this money, to begin with.

 

As for your dad, do you really think staying there being a doormat will help your dad to learn how to stand up for himself? No. You have to be the man, then. Sometimes, and it sucks but it is reality, the parents aren't able to do some things and it is the kids who have to pave the way and help them. You could do that by going out on your own and showing your dad an example of how to stand up for oneself and take care of ones business without a woman. And that you can be happy doing it!

 

It's pretty amazing when your parent turns to you one day and tells you how proud they are of you for doing something they were never able to do...and sometimes it even inspires them!

 

Maybe... I dunno. A couple of years ago, my dad lost his job of over 20 years, and he pretty much had a mental breakdown. My mom's constantly blaming him for how things are, and in the past, he's alluded to us probably being better off "without him". I just can't stop worrying that, if I'm gone, my mom might say or do something that'll push him over the edge.

[Moontiger]

You cannot control other people. IF you think your dad is a danger to himself you should contact the authorities and asked them what to do.

 

You are going to lose all of your money and resent your parents for the rest of your life unless you get away from them and set up so strict boundaries.