How to say no...? :/

[MattW]

So, late last year, my aunt passed away, and left me a pretty nice life insurance policy. This was amazing to me, because I don't expect to have a very successful life, and this gives me some money to put towards my future, help my pay for college, maybe buy a house one day. Currently, I live at home, and I've been putting myself through college.

 

The problem? My mom (and I guess my dad) have always had money problems. From day one, as soon as I got that life insurance policy, my mom's been trying to weasel as much of it away from me to her. About four months ago, I gave them $14,000. Perhaps I may come off as "greedy", but to be fair, when I finished high school, my parents worked out an agreement with me that if I paid certain bills every month, that would basically be my "rent". Additionally, over the years, my mom had frequently threw other bills my way, as well as other big payments for stuff they can't afford, including $700 for a repair that they claimed they'd pay me back on but never did (and this was before I got the life insurance policy, meaning $700 was a big chunk out of my bank account).

 

Anyway, I get home from work today, and my mom gives me a sob story about their credit cards, and how I have to give her $2000 to pay them off. Truth is, I... don't want to. I mean, like I said, I gave them $14,000 four months ago. I don't understand how it could all just be gone. I've asked my mom, and she either says she doesn't know what happened to it, or she gives me her famous "I don't know, I don't want to talk about it, you're upsetting me, you're going to make me have to get rushed to the hospital" schtick.

 

On one hand, I feel bad, because yanno, it's family. But at the same time, my mom is a manipulative liar, which I've come to learn within the last few years, and I'm sick of having to bail her (and my dad) out all the time. What about my future? I don't know if I'll ever get married and have a family, but if I do, I sure as hell don't want them to have to live like I do, constantly having to support their parents. I'm tired of it. I thought I made it clear to her before that after the $14,000, I was done giving them money.

 

But... I don't know how to say no. I'm... weak, that way. I always end up caving. Not to mention, there's a ton of stuff she could hold over my head if I refuse. I just don't know what to do. @_@

[journeynow]

Try this:

 

No. (no explanation necessary)

 

OR

 

No, not this time. (no explanation necessary)

 

OR

 

Mom, I love you, and I hear you, but my answer is No. (no explanation necessary)

 

She might ask why, she might be upset, she might sob and panic. And you'll say nothing (and DO NOT feel guilty. You've done plenty). Or you'll say "I hear what you're saying, and my answer is still No." (And don't stick around for more fussing if she rants at rages.) Don't fight or defend yourself, or get upset. Stay calm.

 

If you are paying THEIR bills, you are supporting their credit, but not building good credit for yourself. I don't know what you are paying altogether on their bills, but if you add $14,700 to it, that would be a sizable rent for a college student! (I wouldn't be surprised if they'll be unable to pay back the $14,000)

 

Maybe you could put the most of the rest of the insurance money into a certificate of deposit, or some other investment that you can't withdraw from. That way your hands are tied for the time being.

[journeynow]

Oh, I didn't finish my thought...about rent. Maybe it will work better all around for you to rent a room from another family or with other students, and your parents can rent out your room to someone else. It might be difficult to take the plunge and do it, but better for your long-term relationship.

[MattW]

Well, there was no agreement to be paid back for the $14000. That was more because my aunt (my dad's sister) didn't leave anything to my dad. Originally, I agreed to give them an amount smaller than that, but when my mom saw that I got more money than I was anticipating, she bumped it up.

[markfromark]

Anyway, I get home from work today, and my mom gives me a sob story about their credit cards, and how I have to give her $2000 to pay them off. Truth is, I... don't want to. I mean, like I said, I gave them $14,000 four months ago. I don't understand how it could all just be gone. I've asked my mom, and she either says she doesn't know what happened to it, or she gives me her famous "I don't know, I don't want to talk about it, you're upsetting me, you're going to make me have to get rushed to the hospital" schtick.

 

I admit I had to laugh when I read this. She spent $14k in 4 month and does not know where the money went?? My guess is that your parents will not stop until you gave them your last penny. Google about "lottery winners stories" and you will read lots of stories how families got broken up because one member won the lottery. It's tragic.

 

I don't know how old you are but I think it is time to be on your own. Move out and visit your parents once a month without cash and without a checkbook.

 

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[journeynow]

Well, there was no agreement to be paid back for the $14000. That was more because my aunt (my dad's sister) didn't leave anything to my dad. Originally, I agreed to give them an amount smaller than that, but when my mom saw that I got more money than I was anticipating, she bumped it up.

 

That's pretty greedy and disrespectful of your parents. It's likely that your aunt didn't leave anything to your dad because she'd bailed him out in the past. She might have had a good understanding of how they are with money and did not want you to have to pay the price (sorry for the pun) for their ways.

[metrogirl]

The fact that they can't manage their money is not your fault and you aren't responsible for bailing them out everytime. They both need to put on their big girl/big boy pants and learn how to be responsible adults and stop relying on their children to foot their bill.

[luminousone]

Time for you to move out on your own.

 

You are living under their roof, and with that there will be strings attached. In this case, the expectation that you will bail them out of their money woes.

 

You might investigate buying a place to live now rather than later, and that will effectively tie up your money.

 

Also, my ex's dad used to call and expect his son to bail him out of financial crises regularly. One time my ex finally had the courage to say no, and his dad had the gall to say that he did not love him because he did not give him the money! It hurt my then husband so much to hear that, but he stood his ground and said no. His dad survived - he didn't speak to his son very much for about 6 months but eventually he found other ways to get his money woes taken care of and my ex felt relieved to have that burden off of his shoulders! They have a great relationship now!

 

The only issue I see here is that you are living in their household. Go forth on your own, and show them the independent adult you are now - and they will hopefully treat you as such.

 

You were very generous to share that money with your parents. Now practice saying no a bunch of times in front of the mirror, because you know they will keep asking. And you can tell them that you love them very much and you wish the best for them, but you simply have other plans for the money at this time. And STICK with it! They'll get over it...

[MattW]

I wish I could move out, but I don't want to dip into my life insurance money to pay for it, and I don't make enough money to be able to cover all the extra expenses (especially since even if I moved out, I'd still have to be paying some of the bills of my parents' that I'm already paying). I don't want to invest in a house now because, well, that's a pretty big commitment, and I'm not even sure I want to continue living in this city/ state after I finish college. My neighborhood sucks, and I'd rather be living somewhere nicer, where I don't feel like I might get mugged just walking down the street. But, I'd like to finish college first, so I don't have to go through the headaches of finding and transferring to a different school, etc.

 

I'm not sure I'd want to live with someone else. I REALLY enjoy my privacy, and I have a lot of very odd and embarrassing quirks and nuances that I don't really want other people to know about.

 

My situation is also difficult because I don't have a car. I suppose I can afford one right now, but in my mind, I'm forcing myself to hold this money aside for the future. I'm afraid if I make a big purchase now, I'll get tempted to blow through it all, and be left with nothing.

[luminousone]

I stand by my advice. You are not completely tied down if you purchase something. In fact you may need to purchase now for tax reasons. Buy a condo so you won't need a car. And if you move somewhere else, you can either sell it for profit or get some income by renting it out.

 

Your question is how to say "no" to your family. Part of your saying "no" to them is to show them how you are an independent adult. If you are depending on them for paying your extra expenses and the use of their car, then I can understand that you may be a financial burden to them and since you have never moved out then you don't truly understand that.

 

It is time for you to move out, and purchasing a place to live right now is a great choice in this economy - the real estate prices are low and the interest rates are still low. Be sure to keep 6 months mortgage payments in an emergency account, and be sure to budget for taxes and insurance. However, keep in mind the tax benefits a purchase will give you and - I do believe that in time the real estate market will go back up. Maybe not as much as it was before, but a solid rise.

 

It sounds like you are afraid to be on your own. Get some courage and take the plunge - it is high time for you to man up and do it on your own!

 

And you do NOT have to pay your parents' bills - it sounded like that was the deal if you lived there. They can rent out your room and get some money that way...

[markfromark]

I wish I could move out, but I don't want to dip into my life insurance money to pay for it, and I don't make enough money to be able to cover all the extra expenses (especially since even if I moved out, I'd still have to be paying some of the bills of my parents' that I'm already paying).

 

Does the college have dormitories? You will continue to "dip into my life insurance money" because your parents will continue to ask you for money. How much would a studio be next to your college? $500? Living cost? another $500? Living with your parents: a few thousand every month. Let them pay their bills by themselves.

[MattW]

Nah, I go to a community college, no dorms or anything like that.

[sunnyhappydays]

Before I read your name, I assumed you were a woman. Seriously, man up. Move out, stop caving and grow up.

[Natasha24]

I agree with the others, you should move out. Then at least you can have an excuse. "I can't lend you money, I have my own bills to pay!" If you wait until it's "easy" for you to move out, it'll never happen. Be happy that you don't have any student debt and that you have some money to cover your butt while you work.

 

Chances are, once you're out from under their roof and they don't see you every day, they won't hassle you as much about the money. Find a 2 bedroom apartment near your school, find a roommate and be done with all the drama. I promise, even though it sucks to dip into the insurance money, you will feel so much better about not having to deal with your parents. You'll be happy you moved out.

[savignon]

I agree that moving out will cost you less than the $14k you already gave up and will be an investment in your future. I also agree that living there for the reasons that are beneficial to you make it easy for them to manipulate you...esp since they have such easy access to you. When you're ready to assert your independence, they'll have no choice but to leave you alone as you'll have your own bills to pay, they won't see you everday and won't have as much to "hold over your head" regarding what they do for you. Giving your parents 14k....bad investment. Buying a 2 bdrm condo and getting a roomate...Great investment!!

[Moontiger]

Wow. I agree with everything already said the only thing I will add is this, the next time your mom asks for money say, "That money is going towards my education. This includes my undergrad degree and any higher degree I want to get. I understand that you and dad are struggling right now I just cannot give you more than the 14K I already gave you. I hope it helped a little with your finances."

 

Now, if you give them any more money get, in writing with signatures, an agreement for them to pay it back with a time line.

 

I really think you need to move out. If you find a small studio apartment it will be pretty cheap, or get a bunch of roommates.

[MattW]

Yeah, it'd certainly be nice to move out. Honestly, though, I'm not even sure where to move to. I'm not very "street smart", so I don't know where, nearby, is considered the "safe" part of town, and what's the "bad" part of town. One of the biggest things I'm paranoid about, silly as it sounds, is getting robbed. I know that can pretty much happen to you anywhere you go, but eh.

 

I was thinking about it last night, too, moving, I mean, and it occurred to me that if I moved out, there's so much stuff I'd have to buy initially, like furniture, and even tons and tons of little stuff just for the day-to-day things. Pretty overwhelming. @_@

[camus154]

Yeah, it'd certainly be nice to move out. Honestly, though, I'm not even sure where to move to. I'm not very "street smart", so I don't know where, nearby, is considered the "safe" part of town, and what's the "bad" part of town. One of the biggest things I'm paranoid about, silly as it sounds, is getting robbed. I know that can pretty much happen to you anywhere you go, but eh.

 

I was thinking about it last night, too, moving, I mean, and it occurred to me that if I moved out, there's so much stuff I'd have to buy initially, like furniture, and even tons and tons of little stuff just for the day-to-day things. Pretty overwhelming. @_@

 

Dude. Anytime someone tells you to move out, you come back with some excuse why you can't, or why you're afraid to, or why it'd just be so awfully hard.

 

I moved out at 18. I don't know what's wrong with your generation, but don't blame the economy. You all are too damned scared to fly the nest.

 

Don't know where is safe to move? Then use that thing called the internet (you know, that thing you're on right now) to find out.

[MattW]

Dude. Anytime someone tells you to move out, you come back with some excuse why you can't, or why you're afraid to, or why it'd just be so awfully hard.

 

I moved out at 18. I don't know what's wrong with your generation, but don't blame the economy. You all are too damned scared to fly the nest.

 

Don't know where is safe to move? Then use that thing called the internet (you know, that thing you're on right now) to find out.

 

Eh, I know, I'm just too much of a "creature of habit", more so than a lot of "normal" people. Once I settle in with something and become "comfortable" (even if said something makes me miserable), I tend to stick with it because it's easy, and it'd require too much work, and whatnot, to change.

 

I'm not trying to "blame the economy", like I said, I only work part time at a crummy job because I don't have the qualifications for anything better right now. I'm just... wary about dipping into the money I do have, because I don't want to burn through it all and have nothing left when I could really use it.

[journeynow]

You can rent a furnished room from someone, a family perhaps, in a neighborhood similar to yours. It's a good stepping stone. Who knows, maybe you could trade chores for part of the rent. You'd be surprised, there are opportunities that meet your needs and theirs. Or find someone who has a furnished apartment and is looking for a roommate. Ask around. Perhaps ask adults at your community college, professors, staff, other students. Put up a notice. Ask for references before you rent from someone (and have references ready for them.) Don't worry about buying furniture. You can start with an air mattress and a sleeping bag. One step at a time.

[MattW]

Well, I think I'm out of the clear for paying that $2000, but now something else might be coming up... She hasn't asked me about paying for this, yet, but apparently she has to have surgery. I don't know yet if she's going to ask me about paying for it, but it seems likely, and this is probably something I'm not going to be able to say no to. I just wonder how much it's going to set me back, if it comes to that.

[Moontiger]

well, i think i'm out of the clear for paying that $2000, but now something else might be coming up... She hasn't asked me about paying for this, yet, but apparently she has to have surgery. I don't know yet if she's going to ask me about paying for it, but it seems likely, and this is probably something i'm not going to be able to say no to. I just wonder how much it's going to set me back, if it comes to that.

 

have a written agreement for her to pay you back. Have a notary. Tell your mother you will only giver her the money if she agrees to pay it back.

[MattW]

I guess that's an option, but even if I do that, I don't see her ever being able to pay me back, so I wouldn't get it back either way.

 

Anyway, out of morbid curiosity, I have been kinda looking around online to see how much rent is for a one bedroom apartment in my area; probably a stupid question, but I'm guessing cost of rent as listed generally doesn't include costs for electricity, water, etc., right?

[Moontiger]

I guess that's an option, but even if I do that, I don't see her ever being able to pay me back, so I wouldn't get it back either way.

 

Anyway, out of morbid curiosity, I have been kinda looking around online to see how much rent is for a one bedroom apartment in my area; probably a stupid question, but I'm guessing cost of rent as listed generally doesn't include costs for electricity, water, etc., right?

 

No, but when you find a place that you like call them an ask what utilities are included. For me, water, heat, and garbage pick up are included. I have to day for gas, electric, and internet.

 

Honestly, I would also contact a lawyer to get some information on how to protect yourself and your money.

[sunnyhappydays]

Matt, just hand the entire inheritance over to your parents. Save the time of them asking because you have no intention of moving out and cutting the apron strings. They will bleed you dry for every penny and then in a few years you will be posting again, and blaming them for your stalled life. Even though you have blown every chance to assert your own independence.