Is this relationship doomed to fail?

[notalady]

I have been dating a guy for a year now. We are both in our late 20s and it is a serious relationship. He is a great guy in many regards, kind, affectionate, supportive, sensitive, patient (with most things), and have a relatively good sense of humour. But there are a few things about him that bother me and makes me doubt the relationship.

 

Firstly, he is easily frustrated/annoyed and talks to me in a certain frustrated tone, when things don't go smoothly/as expected or when he can't meet a perceived expectation due to external circumstances. And many are such trivial things! For example is, he is a bit of a coffee nut, one time he made me a coffee, after he made the espresso and going to add milk, I asked if I could try a bit of it as an espresso, he got very frustrated, which left me puzzled and upset by his attitude. He later voluntarily explained that if I had wanted an espresso I should have said so, he made a stronger dose for the milk coffee that I asked for and it would be too strong/wouldn't taste good as an espresso. It would have been that simple to explain in the first place and would have been no big deal to me at all, yet he was frustrated by my request, and of course, put us both in a foul mood.

 

I should clarify that he is not rude or abusive in any way and would often voluntarily apologise if he thinks he might have over reacted. But after all, what is done is done. And for information, he is quite apologetic when he fails to meet "expectations" due to his own "fault" or when he makes a mistake, although most of the time, I couldn't care less as I'm really not that fussy, but clearly he had set an expectation in his head.

 

Secondly, he is very sensitive to perceived condescension and would be offended by it. I'm not a condescending person and never mean to give that perception. I recognise that I may have unintentionally talked that way, but most of the time I find it puzzling when he get all offended because I said something that implied he was "stupid" or "didn't know how to do things". It is as simple as me saying things like "why don't you just do xxxx", and one time, for saying "poor baby" (in a genuine way not being sarcastic)!

 

And relevant to that, he doesn't seem to handle criticisms very well, even though I make sure I'm always diplomatic when handing out criticisms, i.e. in a positive tone and along with praises. Not that he would react strongly to it, but he often pass it off with a joke or point out impatiently that he already know that (whatever I was saying). It just feels like he's not comfortable simply accepting a criticism, he has to have some kind of "come back" even if he may have accepted it mentally. Meanwhile he has no problem handing out criticisms to me! (not in a rude or mean way)

 

Anyway sometimes it makes me feel like he is picking on me on purpose and that I can't do or say anything right. I'm usually a very easy going and carefree person and never had this problem with anyone before, but I feel like I have to be careful what I say and do around him. And all in all, makes situations that I normally couldn't care less about become unnecessarily stressful.

 

We are both quite open with communication (one of the things that is making this relationship work) and talking through things. We have talked about some of these situations before, but after a certain point there's really nothing more to address or talk about regarding one issue. I suspect from some of these behaviours that he may feel insecure or not confident enough about himself, but there's not really much other evidence of it, so I can't be sure without some objective opinions.

 

I am trying to figure out what is the root cause for him acting like this and how I can handle it appropriately. More importantly, I have doubts whether I can handle it over the long term, given that only more friction will arise from living together and maybe having a child somewhere down the track.

 

I know all relationships require effort and hard work, some more than others, but how do I know when a relationship is doomed to fail?

 

P.S. I wish there is simply a magic way to tell if a guy is right for you!!

[Habibi]

P.S. I wish there is simply a magic way to tell if a guy is right for you!!

 

This is the magic way, when you DONT :

 

1 - feel like he is picking on me on purpose and that I can't do or say anything right

2 - feel like I have to be careful what I say and do around him

 

Clearly, it is his way or the high way. And yes, he is abusive, read again your text...full of excuses for the abuser.

 

This relationship is gonna succeed big time...as long as you keep doing what you are doing now

[RedDress]

I disagree. He just sounds insecure.

 

People who are insecure are exactly how you describe. They try way too hard to be perfect (hence the frustration at the coffee thing - you were messing it up), and they can't take criticisms (because they are trying too hard to be perfect). I actually don't think it has anything to do with you at all - it is his inner dialogue that is "broken". When he is lashing out, he is lashing out at the idea that he failed again and will always fail - not at you (even if it feels like it is directed at you)

 

This is issue is about HIM.

 

I don't think his behaviour is going to change (it will take years of therapy to get over his deep seated insecurities). The only thing you can do is realize that he isn't lashing out at you but at himself and not take it personally. If you can't get to that place, yes, I think the relationship is doomed.

 

It's hard to be in a relationship with an insecure person. Up to you if you think it's a deal breaker.

[notalady]

Thanks RedDress, that's very helpful opinion, and close to what I was thinking as well.

 

After knowing him better, I tend not to take things personally, but do I want this in the long term is a difficult choice, especially when you like everything about the person, except.

[SAButterfly]

^^ this:

My ex was exactly the same way, although he had definite communication problems as well. It's really hard to love someone when you don't love yourself (ie my ex). He would always say things "I love you a lot more than you love me" and "you would never marry me". I couldn't tell him otherwise. 9-10 months later, he broke up with me, but didn't have a definite, clear reason. I felt like a lot of the relationship consisted of me walking on egg shells around him.

[notalady]

^^ this:

My ex was exactly the same way, although he had definite communication problems as well. It's really hard to love someone when you don't love yourself (ie my ex). He would always say things "I love you a lot more than you love me" and "you would never marry me". I couldn't tell him otherwise. 9-10 months later, he broke up with me, but didn't have a definite, clear reason. I felt like a lot of the relationship consisted of me walking on egg shells around him.

 

My boyfriend also says negative things similar to that.

[notalady]

 

It's hard to be in a relationship with an insecure person. Up to you if you think it's a deal breaker.

 

It sounds like you know a fair bit about being in a relationship with an insecure person. Would you mind elaborating more on it? Such as why it is so hard, and/or maybe examples if you have some?

 

Your opinion is much appreciated!

[markfromark]

about being in a relationship with an insecure person.

 

It's simple: don't be in a relationship with an insecure person unless you like to feel miserable.

[YakasJourney]

So, you "always" pad your criticism with praises and in a diplomatic style. Hmm. Are you sure it's not YOU who has a problem with dishing out unnecessary opinions or critiques?

[notalady]

Fair questions. I don't often criticise, but if I do, I make a suggestion instead of just pointing out what is wrong, such as "that was good but maybe you can do this/that next time because xxxx", and he doesn't have a problem with it most of the time.

 

Maybe criticism isn't the right term here, maybe it's more like perceived rejection, it's small things such as when he made me a mocha and I said "oh it's good, but maybe a bit too sweet. Maybe just don't put sugar in it next time", his response would be "oh I'm sorry it wasn't good enough for you as a joke, but that's not what I meant at all! Or if he tries to be funny and I didn't react (because I didn't find it funny), he would jokingly say to himself "David (fake name), you are not funny!" and at other times, similar jokes such as "David you are so annoying!" But that's not what I meant! It's like he's feeding criticisms into my mouth when I meant no such thing! For someone who is very comfortable with perceived rejection or criticism like that, this is what makes me suspect he feels insecure or lack confidence. Maybe we just have a different way of dealing with it?

 

As for unnecessary opinions or critiques, I'm not sure if they are, it's small things such as:

 

- we were cooking one time and the stove wasn't heating up properly, so after fixing it, he kept removing the pan to check under it, eventually it was clear to me that it is heating up (the oil in the pan was starting to sizzle) but he was still doing it so I felt a bit impatient, I know I should have just said "I think it's heating up properly now", instead I said "can you stop moving the pan and let it cook?" He was offended and said "I'm checking if it's heating up properly, you think I'm stupid or something?" Again, that is not at all what I'm saying!

 

- or when he was looking for some TV show on his computer to copy to my computer, he used the search function, and it seemed weird to me because I have mine sitting in their own folders and can be easily found. Maybe I should have asked him why he was using search, but instead I said "why don't you just go to the folder?" He was again offended, and thinks that I'm implying he doesn't know what he's doing, that he doesn't know how to navigate his own computer or how to organise it.

 

On both occassions he walked away and cooled down for a minute and came back to apologise, which is good. But it's unsettling to me that he seems to be offended by even the slightest implication (true or not) that he doesn't know what he's doing. I think he is overly sensitive. What do you guys think? Am I really being rude or condescending in the way I say things?

[nutbrownhare]

Firstly, abusers are insecure. If he's feeling insecure, he needs to deal with that - you can offer love and reassurance, but with some people it's like pouring all your feelings into a bottomless pit.

 

However, if he's doing things in his own way, and it's NOT your way - why don't you just leave him to it? Isn't this what you'd like him to do with you? A constant diet of letting him know that there are better ways of doing things will really start to kill off his feelings for you. And vice versa.

 

A good rule to remember is that help that hasn't been asked for is seen as criticism. I first came accross this notion when I was a head of department, but it holds true for all situations. You may think that you're doing it for the purest of motives, but that is not at all how it feels to the other person. My ex-partner used to justify his obsessively controlling ways as 'caring', and while I'm sure you're not as bad as that, it does start to get very wearing after a while.

 

You can't change the criticisms he makes of you... but you may just find that if you leave him be, unless it's something that affects you directly, that he gets less defensive.

[notalady]

 

A good rule to remember is that help that hasn't been asked for is seen as criticism. I first came accross this notion when I was a head of department, but it holds true for all situations. You may think that you're doing it for the purest of motives, but that is not at all how it feels to the other person. My ex-partner used to justify his obsessively controlling ways as 'caring', and while I'm sure you're not as bad as that, it does start to get very wearing after a while.

 

You can't change the criticisms he makes of you... but you may just find that if you leave him be, unless it's something that affects you directly, that he gets less defensive.

 

Thanks nutbrownhare, I think you are spot on about this. I often keep in mind that help not asked for is often taken as criticism, and I admit that I myself prefer without it, but it slips my mind sometimes. It's a family influenced habit of mine.

 

Other than the perfectionism and what appears to be fear for rejection, there isn't other signs of insecurity like jealousy, controlling, putting people down etc. He makes me feel respected and is also very respectful to others, he would never put me down or criticise unnecessarily (other than hygiene related, probably as a result of his job) or control what I do, who I see etc. He is not the jealous type and seems comfortable with the fact that many of my good friends are male, and one of them is an ex (not that I see him often).

 

However the constant need to do things perfectly (which I think he is trying to deal with) and fear for rejection made me feel unsettled and fear that it will get worse over time, hence the asking for opinions on here.

[sunnz]

He's starting to feel he isn't good enough and nothing he does pleases you...you are in fact coming accross *motherly* that is... acting how a mother would to a child - correcting how they should do things etc...I know maybe that's not your intentions but a man wants to *feel* like a man...they don't want to have things adjusted/corrected all the time by their partner..it makes them feel less of a man and to eventually *why bother ?* with doing anything their individual way if it's just going to be corrected...

 

The key problem is you are trying to get him to be *you* and do things how you do things...even if you try to come accross nice...it's still trying to change him...he is he and he does things differently and can't he just be himself ??

 

So yes the problem I don't think is him...it's the way you come accross correcting everything he does to your way of doing things...

 

It starts with small things...and eventually he will blow up and it will all come to the surface...

 

As another poster said leave him to it...to be himself...otherwise yes it will be a short lived relationship..you will make him feel inadequate and want out...

 

Because from my view point ...I would think your actions to what he is doing such as making a coffee but it wasn't good enough maybe sweeter...does come accross negative...my mother comes accross the same way and eventually I stopped doing anything for her.. completely distant myself...you don't want that to happen...

[notalady]

I don't correct everything he does, but I take on board that it will lead down that path if I don't stay on top of it. He is a very smart and knowledgeable guy, so it is usually him correcting me on things (if any).

 

As for the coffee thing, he asked me how was it, and I answered with honesty. Maybe honesty isn't always the best policy.

[journeynow]

nutbrownhare has a good point. It may come accross as you saying "why aren't you doing it my way?". Sometimes it doesn't take much to feel judged. It can even be a facial expression or a tone of voice. Of course you don't want to tip toe around him, but you don't want to come accross unintentionally as condemning his choices or judgement. Any kind of "why" question directed at someone can come accross as an attack if they feel they have to defend themselves. (or "just don't next time"...kind of comes accross as a reprimand)

 

However, sometimes people get frustrated with each other, especially as you are adjusting to each other, or to changes in your lives. It happens. Do you hug and kiss each other and make up, take a moment to listen to why the other was frustrated?

[confusedwithboys]

You sound a lot like my boyfriend, and I have been finding myself more and more showing behaviours not unlike your boyfriend is (although not shouting out). My boyfriend nit picks at things that don't matter because he feels the need to be in control and is slightly self centered. He has no ill intention and doesn't even realize when he is doing it, but it gets under my skin. It makes me feel incompetentnd and not good enough in his eyes, like he doesnt think i can handle simple tasks such as finding my own route to the grocery store or doing laundry. I try and talk to him about it but the whole self centered thing gets in the way as even after i have told him to let me do it my way he still won't understand that his way isn't necessarily the best. Maybe I am not assertive enough - in the beginning I just let him win and gave up (I am very easy going). But, it has been a source of some tension our whole relationship. Like I said, he means no harm by it, he is a very sweet and caring guy, he is just clueless. I say back off and pick your battles very carefully, especially now that he is hyper sensitive to your criticism. Next time he makes you coffee and he asks how it is, tell him it's great and if he tries to make you one again ask for less sugar. No biggie.

[notalady]

However, sometimes people get frustrated with each other, especially as you are adjusting to each other, or to changes in your lives. It happens. Do you hug and kiss each other and make up, take a moment to listen to why the other was frustrated?

 

Yes we do all those things these "frustrations" or "misunderstandings" don't last long, usually get resolved immediately, we would both voice our reasons, kiss and make up.

 

He would often be the first to apologise if he's the one that over read things and got frustrated or offended and I would apologise too and explain that I didn't mean for it to upset him.

 

It's just worrying the frequency of these things occurring (maybe once or twice a week) given we are still only in our first year together! But you have a point about still adjusting to each other

[notalady]

But I'm still not sure how to deal with it when he gets frustrated because things aren't going smoothly or as expected (like the first example I gave in the initial post). When I say frustrated I mean talking to me in a tone and facial expression etc, not actual shouting or raising his voice. It makes me feel like I'm being told off.

 

He had said a few times before that he's not frustrated with me or directed at me, he's just frustrated with the situation. I try not to take it personally but sometimes it's hard when it was my actions or words that brought about this "situation". Of course it wouldn't have been a "situation" if he wasn't so easily frustrated (in my eyes).

 

On the other hand there is my own weakness (which I've always known) of easily affected by closed ones' bad mood, and not knowing how to deal with people in a mood. All I want to do is avoid them until they get out of the mood! Which is probably not the best way at times.

 

Any suggestions on how to deal with someone like that effectively?

[notalady]

I say back off and pick your battles very carefully, especially now that he is hyper sensitive to your criticism. Next time he makes you coffee and he asks how it is, tell him it's great and if he tries to make you one again ask for less sugar. No biggie.

 

I agree, thanks for the advice

[nutbrownhare]

I think that one of the problems here is that he's trying very hard to please you - too hard - and you're unconsciously letting him know he's not doing it quite right. Then he's getting angry, trying not to and so the tension builds up. He's feeling judged and hyper vigilant, and you're feeling bewildered at his reactions. In all innocence you've been trying to do the right thing - and look what's happened!

 

It takes two to tango, as they say, and you are both responsible for your own reactions. You can't do anything about the way he is, but you can do plenty about the way that you are. He's also trying hard not to blame you. Confusedwithboys has given a really good suggestion about how you might manage the coffee scenario differently, and you will probably find that if you can take this to all areas of your relationship then the vicious circle doesn't build up in the first place.

 

If he appears to be in a mood, continue to be pleasant and cheerful and don't let it get you down. Don't respond to it, try to fix it or 'deal' with it. It's not your mood to deal with in the first place, and trying to change him will likely cause the situation to escalate as he feels controlled and judged. If he's in a mood, that's his problem. If you take it on board and get affected by it, it then becomes your problem and that's a scenario you don't want to happen for all the reasons we've discussed on here. If he's doing something his way, it might take longer than it would if you'd done it your way - but so what?

 

We're talking about boundaries issues here; where you finish and the other person starts. If you don't have healthy boundaries then you don't stand a chance of having a healthy relationship and it will be doomed to failure, but this is something you can start working on immediately. Remember that he is responsible for his own feeling and his own actions, and you are responsible for yours. He is not a small child, and you are not his mother.

[notalady]

If he appears to be in a mood, continue to be pleasant and cheerful and don't let it get you down. Don't respond to it, try to fix it or 'deal' with it. It's not your mood to deal with in the first place, and trying to change him will likely cause the situation to escalate as he feels controlled and judged. If he's in a mood, that's his problem. If you take it on board and get affected by it, it then becomes your problem and that's a scenario you don't want to happen for all the reasons we've discussed on here.

 

I will certainly try that

 

I tend to go quiet if he's in a mood, in the fear that if I say the wrong thing, it would make things worse (as had happened before in the past). He doesn't stay moody for long so I will start talking again when he's his normal self again. That way I find myself least affected by his mood.

 

I feel like there is surely a better way to deal with it other than just going quiet? Or is there?

[poetryandlyrics]

My friend has an impatient best friend, and whenever moments happens, she tends to make a joke, make a face, something and it'd get the other person to change their moods.

[nutbrownhare]

I feel like there is surely a better way to deal with it other than just going quiet? Or is there?

 

Continue to be pleasant and cheerful; you don't have to talk about anything he's doing, talk about things YOU'RE doing as you would with anyone else.

 

If he's sulking he may perceive your silence as you sulking, which won't help the situation any. If he's sulking, he may respond to you not being affected by escalating it - at which point it will be very clear who's orchestrating the situation, and you will need to decide whether you want a relationship like this or not. A relationship with someone who sulks rather than being straight about their feelings IS doomed to failure. On the other hand, being left with his own mood while you carry on regardless may give him the opportunity to clear his thoughts without feeling pressured.

 

Whatever happens, you need to establish clear boundaries and sort out in your own mind which feelings are yours to deal with, and which are his. You can't do anything about his. There's quite a lot you can do about yours.

 

I had a (short lived) relationship with a man who used to fly off the handle unpredictably, and start shouting at me not about things that I had done, but things he was sure I was going to do at some point in the future. I used to remain calm, tell him that I wasn't prepared to discuss all this with him shouting at me and that I'd leave if he didn't stop. By not getting hooked into it, and knowing where I was at, it was very clear to me that this was someone operating at the emotional level of a three year old and throwing a tantrum. He didn't get to do this many times before I left the relationship.

[notalady]

My friend has an impatient best friend, and whenever moments happens, she tends to make a joke, make a face, something and it'd get the other person to change their moods.

 

Great suggestion, I will try that!

[penelope13]

I think you are both more similar to each other than you realize: both of you react to relatively small situations (in the grand scheme of things) with an excessive emotional reaction, mainly in the form of negative emotional feedback to yourselves.

 

Google a site called "MoodGym", it's dedicated to demonstrate the different ways how individuals react to different situations and it tries to help to recognize your own negative feedback in your own thinking (the site is free) and to replace it with more positive or neutral feedback.

 

what you described sounds like a classic case that whatever is being said/heard is translated into an emotional critic, although the context of the situation doesn't warrant it. What both of you have to learn is to accept what the other says at face value without your own emotional commentary running through your heads as well as learning/understanding that because in one particular tiny situation your partner is not fully in agreement with you doesn't signify the demise of the relationship. It's normal to disagree.