Mental Health Issues - What could I have done?

[RedDress]

Sorry... this will be a long post.

 

I was sitting here tonight feeling a little sentimental. A friend posted a note on FB that triggered me to think back to my college years and I started thinking about an old friend.

 

When I first went back to college (I did two rounds), I had just come out of a terrible long term relationship. I was at an all-time low, terrible self-confidence and looking to build my future. At that time, I met a wonderful platonic guy friend (we'll call him Ferdinand) who was in my program at school. Ferdinand was in many ways an angel to me. Super outgoing... super high-confidence... popular... intelligent... and for whatever his reason, he took me under his wing. He boosted me up. He pulled (sometimes yanked!) me out of my shell. I owe him a lot.

 

Ferdinand and I became inseperable. It was always platonic (I think he might have had a little crush but I was healing from many relationship wounds) but people often mistook us for a couple since we were always together. Truly my best friend. We laughed. We hung out. We stayed up all night talking. This went on for years... he was a very central part of my life. His influence has still made a mark on who I am today.

 

Towards the end of college, Ferdinand started to act a little funny. By "funny", I mean really strange. He had always been a very hard-working guy, going to college and juggling two jobs... and suddenly he couldn't hold down a job to save his life. At the time I kind of chalked it up to his pot habit (hey! we were in college...) and I figured he must have been smoking a lot more. I kinda lectured him a little but let it go.

 

Then things got progressively weirder. He started talking about voices. He started getting extremely suspicious of everyone. He told me that he thought that everyone was out to get him. I kind of laughed (he was always a bit of a drama queen) and asking if he was taking stronger drugs. I kind of suspected he was - but he wouldn't admit to it.

 

Eventually he moved, and that's when the sh*t hit the fan. He completely stopped working. I could no longer get in touch with him (his cell phone was cut off). I dropped by to say hello and check in on him... and I found him sitting in the dark alone, completely unshowered. A hot mess. I sat. I spoke to him. I listened. I went to the grocery store and bought some staples. I gave him bus tickets. I tried to encourage him. (Keep in mind, I was working minimum wage myself at the time and could barely afford to help).

 

This continued for a while until he started asking me why I cared so much. Then he started to make some serious moves on me. I explained I just wanted him to be the Ferdinand I once knew. I continued to try to help him, but he started to get pretty aggressive about the sexual advances. It got to the point where I no longer felt safe.

 

I was in a bit of a crisis mode at the time... I felt I had to walk away for my own safety, but I was scared if I did he would have no one. I called an old roommate of his (a guy), a friend of his since primary school (another guy) and a guy from college (another guy) and told them individually my concerns. I asked the oldest friend to contact his mother (I had never met her/did not know how to get in touch with his family). I was told "sure".

 

Then I walked.

 

I later heard through the grape vine that things didn't get better for him, but worse. I heard he continued to act more and more erratically and eventually got in trouble with the law. Big trouble with the law. And he was telling his legal aid lawyers to buzz off.

 

I thought about Ferdinand tonight. The one I used to know (not the one he became) and I googled his name. I found him. His name is associated with a mental health centre in my hometown. Actually - he was doing some podcasts for them (as a patient/member of the mental health community) and I just listened to one. It's definitely him. My heart broke.

 

I feel like I failed my friend (who I haven't seen in 10 years) in many ways. Someone who had helped me SO much back then. I knew he was having issues. I knew he needed help. I genuinely tried to help him in the ways that I could...I just didn't know HOW to get him that help. Thinking about this now, I don't even know what I would do today if it happened again.

 

I realize it doesn't help to kick yourself... but... in all honesty... what could I have done? What would you have done? I guess... just in case it happens again...

[camus154]

Honestly I think you did all that you could, and that's all anyone can rightfully expect of themselves. Ultimately people must walk their own paths and only they are truly responsible for them.

 

You never know. Ever see the movie "Butterfly Effect"? Remember how he keeps going back in time only to make things worse? Your old friend is apparently getting the help he needs now and is in a better place, so considering the outcome I'd say things probably worked out for the best--and you were a part of that, in however a small or large way.

[90_hour_sleep]

what can/could you do...other than your best...

 

under different circumstances...you no doubt could've been a different presence to him when he started to slide. but at some point you have to make very real concessions for your own well-being. it can be difficult enough to just 'be there' for someone who is rapidly deteriorating...let alone when you feel threatened.

 

it's such a struggle to find that particular balance. 'my' well-being vs. the well-being of another. even more difficult when it's a friend...and when that friend is buried beneath layers of emotional/psychological debris.

 

i'm not you...but i think sometimes we fail to give ourselves credit for what we do do...for the actions we do take...for the effort we do make. even when we feel at a complete loss...when the scales are tipped completely in favor of our perceived failure...there is almost always some redeeming quality in the mix. how often we underestimate that.

 

i wonder what his thoughts are on your friendship. you may have made a subtle difference in his life even though you feel you gave him nothing...that you abandoned him in his time of need. i think we rarely know just how we impact others.

 

i dunno, red. it's a tough one. your own well-being is always worthy of consideration. you do what you can -- the best you know how -- with the skills you have at the time.

 

do you ever think of saying 'hi' to him now?

[RedDress]

Thanks, guys. These are definitely the things I tell myself. That he has the help now so maybe things happened as they were supposed to. I genuinely mourn his friendship - but with the Ferdinand I knew, not the Ferdinand he became. I really struggled when I walked away. I had to tell myself that the guy I knew was dead - replaced by someone else.

 

i wonder what his thoughts are on your friendship.

...

do you ever think of saying 'hi' to him now?

 

I wonder what his thoughts are on our friendship too. At the end, he was trying to bring it to that sexual place (I considered him like a brother/best friend). Did he think I was leading him on all that time? Or does he look back and know my friendship was genuine? Because it was (at least on my end). I loved him and wanted the best for him - like a brother.

 

I have thought about trying to track him down but it's next to impossible. I don't know where he lives (I know he got kicked out of the last place he was at). I don't have his number. He was always changing his email address even when we were close. He doesn't have a Facebook. I never met his family (they were never close - I vaguely knew of a mother, but he had been living on his own since 15 years old). And the people we knew in college often ask ME what ever happened to him (to which I say "I have no idea"). Really, the only link I've found to him is through this mental health institution... but... will they give me that info? Maybe not. And maybe it's not good to trudge all that up. (Is he well? Is he unwell? Is he back to the old him or the "new" him?)

 

I do wish I had closure on this. But... I kind of think it's in the past. You can't go back. You can only look forward. I do wish him well and send him good vibes... but maybe that's best done from here.

 

I just wish I could have done more. I mean... is there even anyone I could have called? The hospital wouldn't have come to get him, I don't think.

 

Anyways - blah. Ghost from my past haunting me tonight, I suppose...

[90_hour_sleep]

I do wish I had closure on this. But... I kind of think it's in the past. You can't go back. You can only look forward. I do wish him well and send him good vibes... but maybe that's best done from here.

 

i've been thinking a lot about that idea lately. i think you may be right.

 

I just wish I could have done more. I mean... is there even anyone I could have called? The hospital wouldn't have come to get him, I don't think.

 

it's a tough position to be in. if you fear for someone's safety...genuinely fear for it...do you forsake the trust, the bond of that friendship and do what you know is right in that moment (from the vantage of preserving life)? even if you don't have that fear, how do you take control of someone else's choice? how do you have an agenda for that person without there being some sort of resentment? i mean...that person may come to appreciate your action at some point. but there's also the possibility that he/she will feel betrayed by your friendship. and what if that friendship was a source of strength to begin with...and you somehow put it on the rocks with your actions?

 

is there a ''right'' course of action? i doubt it. had he been suicidal, and had you intervened...is there any guarantee that that would have been the right call? what if he would never have acted on those feelings? how can you know?

 

life would lose all of its subtle intricacy if we knew what people were thinking. would probably lose its luster too.

 

the ghosts sure have a way though, don't they...

[Miss Firecracker]

You had absolutely no choice but to leave him. Just be happy he finally got the help he needed.