Trouble with Commitment...

[Teachergurl28]

I keep posting about the same thing over and over. It's ridiculous.

 

I'm starting to get pretty depressed actually.

 

I really want to have kids and start a family. My 30th birthday really hit me hard. Especially because my two younger sisters are married with children. I have been obsessing about two guys. Both of them are very real possibilties. One is an very sweet ex Jose who is a different country. The other one is here a great guy, Mike. Very sexy and sweet. I hung out with the U.S guy all weekend. We had a great time, but certain things really bother me. I am trying my hardest not to look for perfection, but you know when things get under your skin?

 

Mike doesn't read hardly at all and there are different words and expressions that he simply does not understand, which I find very surprising. Is that shallow? Like he says "bread and breakfast" for "bed and breakfast" and thought I was being silly when I used the term "hour glass figure" and "swanky", like I made those words up... I know this sounds pretty shallow and superficial on my part, but all the same, I feel a little like we are speaking a different language sometimes.

 

I am emotionally VERY fragile right now. My job is great, but pretty stressful , and I feel like life is just passing me by while I take my sweet time to decide. This summer will be packed with couple/ family events. Weddings are coming up, trips with friends, a family vacation, and I don't know if I have the strength to go alone. I wish I could just ACCEPT Mike and move it along with him but it's difficult. And I just have so much trouble getting over my ex! Especially because he wants to get back together. I guess my fear is of getting older and not having someone to support and love me.... I fear that I'm going to wake up , and not have anyone to share memories with, that I have gone through life alone. This, of course, may be due to anxiety but I'm not sure. I am definitely NOT perfect (among other things, I suffer from anxiety), so I understand that an expectation of perfection is ridiculous.

 

Anyway, just posting to get it off my chest. Maybe I should go with the flow more instead of trying to control everything, but it's just difficult for me. Or maybe I should just be alone for a while... ? This is hard for me...

[lavenderdove]

First, you should never marry someone out of fear of being alone, especially if it is a guy you don't respect. You will no longer be afraid of being alone, but you will be stuck with someone who bores and upsets you. Frankly that is worse than being alone. Too many young women who haven't married have this fantasy that marriage will 'fix' them and their lives, when marrying the wrong person can complicate it and make it MUCH worse.

 

When you're in a bad marriage, your anxiety is thru the roof, so please don't marry just to marry.

 

What happened with the 'sweet' ex? Perhaps he is a better choice... but if he's not right either, then don't rush into anything and just keep dating and looking. 30 is not really old, and there are tons of people looking for partners in their 30s.

[abitbroken]

I think you want someone on your arm for all these family events and deep down want to have someone like your sisters and cousins and friends do. You seem to think there is a deadline to come up with a guy by then. WHy not just take time to truly get over your ex so you can move forward and when you meet a great guy, you can be choosey and date someone who clicks with you rather than just whoever is around next.

[Teachergurl28]

Thanks, abitbroken and lavenderdove That helps.I really appreciate the encouragement.

[abitbroken]

No trouble

 

Not meeting the right guy is not a commitment problem. You obviously want to commit, just need to find someone worthy and compatible. I would say go on as many dates with different guys as possible - casual coffee dates, movies, no sex - so you can learn what you like and don't and sort of weed out the wrong guys and so you also don't feel obligated to commit to a guy because he is the only one available.

 

Also, "swanky" is a little outdated of a term unless you're "retro" - so don't be so hard on guys. it DOES sound a bit anachronistic in some circles. And unless a guy is fashion historian or into old hollywood, guys don't use the term "hourglass figure" hardly ever to describe women walking down the street...they don't normally consciously think "she is pear shaped/she is hourglass"etc. Also, my brother calls things "bread and breakfast" because sometimes they leave you rolls.