My date does not want to attend my birthday party

[PrettyGood]

I was dating this amazing guy for 2 weeks already. He is a real gentleman, taking care of me very nicely every time we meet. There is an inner connection between us, but we had no physical contact yet cause we both are very shy. However, I decided to invite him to my birthday. I told him it will not be something posh and big, just spending time with several of my close friends. Most of those friends are international people + 1 Muslim is coming. He could not give me answer for 2 days and that made me worry, because I saw his work schedule and he had free evening. So I started thinking maybe it's because of my Muslim friend. My date does not appreciate homosexuals, and I thought maybe he is a racist too? Yesterday he said he will not attend so he replied quickly not to make me sad and have hopes. He promised make it up to me next time, also added that he has a present for me for the next our date. Next day he asked if I want to have lunch with him, but it's my birthday and I cannot attend. I don't understand him.

[DN]

I think it's a little soon to be introducing someone to friends at a birthday party after only 2 weeks of dating, so that may be his concern too.

 

In your place I would not like his homophobia but that is something for you to decide.

[PhilliesFan001]

I think it's a little soon to be introducing someone to friends at a birthday party after only 2 weeks of dating, so that may be his concern too.

 

In your place I would not like his homophobia but that is something for you to decide.

 

Agreed on both counts. I wouldn't assume he has anything against Muslims, he might just be uneasy about being thrust into your social circle so early on. But, the homophobia would be rather off putting to me.

[annie24]

if he is very shy, then maybe he feels uncomfortable spending the evening with your close friends (people he really doesn't know). there could also be something about the location/time of the event that doesn't work for him - he may have some other plans he didn't tell you about, like a game he really wants to watch or whatever.

[sara-pezzini]

two weeks is way too soon for that, i wouldn't come either in his place........so i don't blame him for that, the homo phobic thing however would piss me off and might be a dealbreaker....live and let live

[EgoJoe]

I don't think that, "doesn't appreciate homosexuals." translates to homophobia. Perhaps he doesn't agree with the lifestyle etc. but respects their right to choose and wants them to keep their life private? This is my mindset.

 

Anyways, yeah it is too soon and he probably likes you OP so he doesn't want to blow it, mingle too soon or be too available.

[nutbrownhare]

You've already said he's very shy. That's the most likely explanation for him not coming to your birthday party; it would potentially be quite daunting for someone who wasn't that shy, and he probably doesn't want to feel awkward himself or embarrass you. I wouldn't read any more into it than that.

[EQIQ]

I see nothing wrong with him. Kinda awkward to be introduced to friends, principally early on, principally if he is shy. Tell him you wish he would come to your birthday party, but you understand that he is probably shy about it. Make plans for another day. No big deal.

 

About the homophobia thing... First I find the term ridiculous. No one is scared (phobic) of someone's sexual orientation. Second, we are free to feel that cheating is wrong, incest is wrong, some people feel that one night stands are wrong.. etc. Some people feel that homosexuality is wrong. I see nothing wrong with that. What is wrong is infringing on people's right of living their life the way they want, causing them injury (some people actively pursue and beat up gays), or infringing on their rights to free speech.

[rahulrocks]

Oh its too much pressure......just 2 weeks.....facing the friends....some of them may not approve you....and it might also hamper your dating progress..........so one would like to avoid that....one would like to be with you only....and take things further......

[Greatone99]

I see nothing wrong with him. Kinda awkward to be introduced to friends, principally early on, principally if he is shy. Tell him you wish he would come to your birthday party, but you understand that he is probably shy about it. Make plans for another day. No big deal.

 

About the homophobia thing... First I find the term ridiculous. No one is scared (phobic) of someone's sexual orientation. Second, we are free to feel that cheating is wrong, incest is wrong, some people feel that one night stands are wrong.. etc. Some people feel that homosexuality is wrong. I see nothing wrong with that. What is wrong is infringing on people's right of living their life the way they want, causing them injury (some people actively pursue and beat up gays), or infringing on their rights to free speech.

 

 

QFT! Great way of putting it.

[Fantanos]

I don't agree with homosexuality or Muslim but that doesn't mean I won't hang out with with them, I just don't agree with them. If I liked someone that wouldn't stop me from being with them because they have friends like that.

 

Agree, I think 2 weeks of dating might be soon to be in your friends circle. Everyone is different when it comes to that..

[PrettyGood]

So guys, if 2 weeks of intense dating is too quick and too early to invite a date to birthday, when is it not too early? I mean, what is a big deal about friends? It's my friends, they are just people sitting around and celebrating my birthday. And when he would come, I would say to all, hey, this is... (his name). That's all. No titles, no pressure. I thought I would stay all the time next to him because I would like him to feel good and I feel good being with him too. But he doesn't want. Why is it too early? If you are planning to find someone serious, then you need to put some steps in your dating phase to make it happen naturally, right? But this is kind of awkward to me and sad. Now I am thinking if one day he becomes my boyfriend, then I will remember this birthday forever that he didn't want to come

[annie24]

I think it just depends on the people involved. Of course, we don't know why he declined....

[FathomFear]

Agreed on both counts. I wouldn't assume he has anything against Muslims, he might just be uneasy about being thrust into your social circle so early on. But, the homophobia would be rather off putting to me.

 

Yeah, if you discover that someone is homophobic only two weeks after dating him I would be very concerned. Chances are he's got a whole assortment of other demons not discovered yet.

[Natasha24]

It's too soon because you've probably known your friends for months/years/your whole life, and you've only known this guy for 2 weeks. It will be awkward for everyone involved. It would be a little ridiculous if you became a couple and remember this birthday party forever.. It's REALLY not a big deal that he isn't going. I would never hang out with a guy's friends after only knowing him for 2 weeks. I wouldn't plan on meeting them until at least a month or two of dating.

[PrettyGood]

So what is the longest period of 'dating phase' and when does it start the 'relationship phase'? How to differentiate one from another? I mean when you kiss each other first time? When you sleep for the first time? Or when? When is it time to start doing all those things like inviting your date to meet your friends? It's not that stressful as to meet parents at least.

[camus154]

PrettyGood,

 

You're kind of rapid-firing all these questions at us like there is some dating bible out there that draws up all of these deadlines.

 

It doesn't quite work that way. Suffice it to say, however, 2 weeks isn't long for ANYTHING. You've just started dating. Can't you simply leave it at that and relax?

[annie24]

I think when the parties involved have that discussion. For some, it happens right away. Then others, they might date for months without ever being serious. There really is no time scale.

[EQIQ]

Yeah, if you discover that someone is homophobic only two weeks after dating him I would be very concerned. Chances are he's got a whole assortment of other demons not discovered yet.

 

She didn't even say he was homophobic... just said he has a thing against gay people. That can mean a bunch of things. The term homophobia is thrown around way too liberally. Think of arachnophobia, if you see a spider, you are paralyzed, jumping on top of chairs, going nuts. I am sure he doesn't act that way when he sees someone that is gay... at least I would hope not lol... Having a thing against gay people was the norm for many many years. Not saying that it is right or wrong, but you can't judge someone just based on that.

 

These days most people have a thing against smoking. Most people have a thing against drug addicts. Most people have a thing against prostitutes. Who is to say who is right or wrong? Just because society says that something is "OKAY", not everyone has to agree. Or just because society says something is "OOO not Okay BAAAD", not everyone has to agree.

[PhilliesFan001]

She didn't even say he was homophobic... just said he has a thing against gay people. That can mean a bunch of things. The term homophobia is thrown around way too liberally. Think of arachnophobia' date=' if you see a spider, you are paralyzed, jumping on top of chairs, going nuts. I am sure he doesn't act that way when he sees someone that is gay... [/quote']

 

True but most people these days know that 'phobia' is a suffix that is used to describe a variety of situations, not only in clinical settings describing fear. Hydrophobia can be chemical compounds that are water repellent, and homophobia is generally accepted as an umbrella term for attitudes and prejudices. Think of xenophobia for instance. And regardless of where he falls under the 'thing against gay people' spectrum, it's all unattractive to me. But OP that's a personal preference obviously!

[nutbrownhare]

So guys, if 2 weeks of intense dating is too quick and too early to invite a date to birthday, when is it not too early? (

 

It's not too early to invite him, but you need to accept that he isn't ready yet. Keep inviting him to things you're doing in the future, and he'll come along when he is ready.

 

If he keeps on refusing to have anything to do with your friends and never wants to meet them, that's a different matter. If you're being forced to choose between him and your friends on a regular basis, that's a different matter. But it's early days yet and you don't know.

 

Now I am thinking if one day he becomes my boyfriend, then I will remember this birthday forever that he didn't want to come

 

Yes, you could do this, and retain and nurture your sad feelings. But this will only keep you unhappy. Or you could enjoy a lovely future relationship with plenty of shared activities once he's ready. The choice is yours.

[annie24]

How do we know it isn't homophobia, muslimphobia, or meeting the friends- but rather he has another date scheduled?

[PhilliesFan001]

Hm...OP, apologies if you've said already but after 2 weeks did you two have the exclusivity talk?

[PrettyGood]

So here it goes... I had my birthday party with my friends without him attended. Still he send me several messages to congratulate me. Then we weren't corresponding for a day and in the end of the day he writes me that the real reason was his promise to his friends to play poker. Like you all suggested I didn't make a big deal out of it.

 

So in one more hour he started writing me non-stop that he still feels bad that he haven't attended and while he's spending time with his friends, he can't stop thinking of me all this time and how he wants to see me soon. It's a little bit strange for me Ps, he's in his 30'ies so he is adult not to play childish games, but the question is - he's not ready, but then he writes me how he wants to spend every moment with him. What's about those mixed signals he's always sending me?

 

Hm...OP, apologies if you've said already but after 2 weeks did you two have the exclusivity talk?

 

No we didn't. We have too big emotional spark everywhere around that we can barely look at each other's eyes while talking about general things I feel like a little girl. He's so cute and we're both so shy, that it's like too much! It's like you feel that tension and emotional 'electricity' being around us. So lovely!

[Timbone]

The thing about birthday parties is that the person whose birthday it is becomes the center of attention. This guy only knows you out of all your friends, and getting thrown into so many new faces is daunting for some. He won't be able to talk to or really spend time with you unless he's sitting right near you, and even that could feel awkward if he doesn't know anyone else.

 

Heck, I've known a lot of my friends for years, and I don't always like going to their birthday parties if I only know the birthday boy or girl! I've met some of their friends and have some mutuals in each mix, but it can be awkward unless you know at least a few people.

 

I wouldn't really look into it too deeply, and just accept that he may be uncomfortable. Do something more intimate, just the two of you, for a second birthday party.