How do I choose between them and keep options open?

[Sam _]

I am moving accross the country in a few months if I manage to sell the house, if I don't then I will be here for an indefinite period of time until I do since my mortgage bars me from renting it out. So I put up a profile on a dating site and got two girls that messaged me; both are great to talk to and I really like both of them. One lives 80 miles from where I live and the other lives about 20 miles. When it comes to the girl that lives 80 miles away, every time we find something out about the other, we both are always like "me too!" We have a ton in common. The girl that lives closer, she and I haven't talked much but have begun talking much more frequently lately. The only real difference I see so far is that the farther one has more in common with me and the distance.

 

Neither know about each other and they both know that I won't do a long-distance relationship unless I can drive to see them a couple times per month, which isn't possible for me to do until I move. Both would be great girls to date and both would be great friends if I could keep them as friends. I'm likely going to choose the girl that lives 80 miles away, but how do I keep the other girl as a friend and as an open option incase things don't work out? Both seem to be very understanding people and I really hate playing games. I know I don't really have to make a decision until after I move and am going to start a serious relationship with one of them (we're just talking at the moment), but I think I should decide sooner rather than later.

[SuperDuper]

I don't think it's fair to keep the closer girl on the backburner while you assess your interest with the other girl. I mean, it's find to casually date two people but if you find yourself getting more attached to the girl who lives further away then you really should let the other one know as politely as possible. You don't have to mention another girl at that time, but you could just say something like "There's a lot of things happening in my life right now and I'm not sure I'm in the position to date somebody, but I'd love to keep in touch with you and perhaps hang out soon"... or whatever!

 

I mean, what she doesn't know can't hurt her... but you shouldn't word it so that she feels there's a chance you'll be coming back to her soon, in case she tends to hang onto her emotions. Why not just casually date both of them for a while and perhaps you'll discover things about both girls you never knew, that could sway your decision.

 

You should also let both of them know you'll be moving accross the country likely in 2 months and see if they're even WILLING to attempt a long-distance relationship.

[Sam _]

One lives 80 miles from where I'm moving to and the other lives 20 miles from where I'm moving to, not from where I am now lol. They both know that I'm up for hanging out with them once I get to the area. I don't like dating two girls at once, even when it is casual.

[Moontiger]

Dude, its a terrible thing to do to string someone along when your pretty sure your going to pick someone else.

 

How about you try being honest with them, "Hey just so you know, (Girl who live 80 miles away), I meet someone else on the dating site who is pretty cool. I picked you but if things don't work out I have a back up. Just so you know."

 

"Hey just so you know, (girl who lives 20 miles away), I chose to date someone else but if things don't work out with her your my number 2 pick!"

 

Bottom line, what you want to do is pretty mean and manipulative.

[Sam _]

It isn't manipulative to be wanting a way to not burn any bridges while being honest with them. I'm not asking how to string them along as though there is not another girl, I'm asking how I can not make them feel like they're the lesser choice and at least keep them as a friend. It is also not mean to hope for or want to do something in a way that is honest and keeps options open if your initial decision fails. I said I don't like playing games and you say what I'm asking to do is how to play games; you misinterpretted what I am asking.

[Natasha24]

I understand why you want to do this (the dating world is hard!), but it's really unfair. It's fine to talk to them both right now, but once you pick one, you pick ONE and that's it. Keeping another girl as "backup" once you're in a relationship is practically cheating (in my opinion). Once you start a "serious relationship" with someone, everyone else should be off the table.

 

Once you decide, this is how I think you should go about it..

 

"Hey, [girl who lives 80 miles away], I really like you and want to get to know you better and start a relationship with you, blah blah blah"

 

"Hey, [girl who lives 20 miles away], I loved getting to know you, but unfortunately I met someone whose personality clicks better with mine, and I'm going to pursue a relationship with her. I felt the need to tell you because I don't want to lead you on. I think you're a lot of fun though, and I mean it when I say it would be awesome if we could still talk and be friends"

[RedDress]

One lives 80 miles from where I'm moving to and the other lives 20 miles from where I'm moving to, not from where I am now lol. They both know that I'm up for hanging out with them once I get to the area. I don't like dating two girls at once, even when it is casual.

 

So... does this mean that you haven't met either of them in person? If not, I wouldn't really consider that dating at all (it's "chatting"). In this case, I don't think you should choose between them at all - you should just make it clear that you are chatting with others.

 

Everything changes in person. I've met people who I thought were hot online and were near repulsive in person (having to do with the way they carry themselves, etc) and vice versa! People who I weren't all that attracted to online but decided to give them a chance... and wow! Hot, hot, hot!

 

Don't choose. Just be honest. It's unnecessary at this point and it's the best way for everyone to keep their options open.

[sportybabe]

Coming from a woman, I personally feel if you are just dating (going on dates, chatting, etc) than it is totally acceptable to do this with more than one person. You are assessing which type of person is good for you, who you click with.. That is what dating is all about. The only time I think it is inappropriate is if things progress to getting physical with one person, I think it is wrong to leave someone else waiting on the sideline. At that point you need to be honest and put your energy into the one person you see things progressing with. In the early phase I think you are doing nothing wrong and could and should talk to as many different women/personalities as you want. That's the way you are going to see what is the best fit for you. Haven't you guys watched the bachelor lol

[Sam _]

So... does this mean that you haven't met either of them in person? If not, I wouldn't really consider that dating at all (it's "chatting"). In this case, I don't think you should choose between them at all - you should just make it clear that you are chatting with others.

Correct, I've not met either of them. But, part of my problem with the farther girl is that she and I sexted two or three times and we have both stated that we never discuss sex so early, open up as quickly, and that it feels like we've known each other for a several months when it has only been three weeks. But we both know we're not together and that it is just talking; but our conversations are often more on a relationship level than a casual one. Basically, the only thing that is keeping us from dating is that there is 700 miles between us for the next three months. Her profile says that she is looking for what is out there and is listed that she is looking for casual dating at the moment but is wanting to settle down.

 

I haven't sexted or anything since I began talking to the other girl since I felt it was disrespectful to both, which was only about a week ago. Our conversations are very casual and playful; moving slower than the other which I like. She says flat-out she is looking for someone to settle down with.

 

So how exactly do I go about cooling things down with one? Just say that another girl messaged me on the site wanting to get to know me so, out of respect, I think we should cool it for a bit and see how we are on a less serious level?

[Day_Walker]

If you have made your pick and you want to be friends with one of girls then start being her friend, if further clarification is needed then tell her that you are only interested in a friendship with her.

[Ms Darcy]

Thanks to Reddress for asking the most importanr question here. You have not met either one!!! Both could meet you and lose interest. This whole discussion is moot since a physical meeting has not happened.

[pl3asehelp]

The girls you meet on a dating site are for potential relationships, not friendship. Since you haven't even met them, I'd continue communicating with both and only if and when you decide to exclusively date one of them do you need to deal with the other.

[The_Seeker]

LOL This is why I wonder how do you know someone is only dating you while they are in long distance with you.