Snowy Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 I agree with this theory too. It makes the break-up look more like a smart idea in their mind because they remember your reaction to a situation they created and decide well I can't be with this person if they are going to act this way. Case in point when my ex disappeared to Montreal for a week but never told me...naturally I felt upset that she would just leave town without telling me since we used to always mention if we weren't going to be around...and she thought I was being too emotional when I found out and asked her why she left without telling me. From there things just got worse as she avoided me for a couple of more days until she broke-up with me by email...days before telling me everything was fine. Agree 100% Link to comment
EmmaB78 Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 Oh, Gosh, my ex has totally done the whole, "I'll do something horrible, wait for her to react, and then blame the whole break up on her reaction" thing. I actually broke up with him, but I was willing to work it out - he claimed he was too, and then acted really horrible to me, and then when I reacted to that treatment, he started saying that things couldn't work out because I was such an "insulting" person. It drives me nuts! My solution has been to be sweet as pie since then. I have no interest in getting back together with him at all - but I'll be damned if I'm going to take on the role of the vicious, mean b***h to appease his guilt. We don't talk much anymore, but whenever we do, I refuse to let him push my buttons, even though he tries. I was a good gf, and I refuse to have my post-break up behavior, which was mostly a reaction to some really cruel things he said/did, be used against me. It's fine if he doesn't want to be with me, but I'm not taking the blame anymore. Link to comment
Natasha24 Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 My solution has been to be sweet as pie since then. I have no interest in getting back together with him at all - but I'll be damned if I'm going to take on the role of the vicious, mean b***h to appease his guilt. We don't talk much anymore, but whenever we do, I refuse to let him push my buttons, even though he tries. I was a good gf, and I refuse to have my post-break up behavior, which was mostly a reaction to some really cruel things he said/did, be used against me. It's fine if he doesn't want to be with me, but I'm not taking the blame anymore. I agree with this. Being nice and rational, instead of freaking out and screaming (even though you have every right to do so) makes them look stupid. After my ex cheated on me, I didn't destroy his stuff, I didn't empty our joint bank account, I didn't get him kicked out of the Army for fraternization. I was hurt and I cried, but I never snapped on him. When we talked a month after the breakup, he admitted that he expected me to ruin his life and he was appreciative that I didn't. I could tell that he was questioning his actions just a little bit, like "Did I really cheat on the one person who had every right to destroy my life, and she chose not to?" I never, ever want to get back with him, but it's nice to know that being the sane, calm, rational person helped me come out on top. He might not feel it right now, but one day he will kick himself because his last memory of me will be, even though he cheated on me and dumped me a month before our wedding, I still had enough maturity and love to act as a good person. Link to comment
markie6 Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 Just a shame they lied and kept it from the person they are with. Be so much easier for all to just get it done or let them know things aren't going well as soon as you think it.They do it create as much distance as possible, right away. I think a lot of dumpers feel bad about having to make the decision to hurt someone they love, but by the time they're ready to pull the trigger they're used to the idea. It's already justified in their mind. When they finally drop the hammer (and the dumpee goes into freak-out melt-down mode) it's so uncomfortable for the dumper to witness that all they want is to get the deed done and out of the blast zone as quickly as they can. The dumped wants to sit and talk it out, hold hands and kiss tears away. But the dumper effectively slaps the dumpee's hand away by answering their emotional pleas with coldness and harshness. They're already done with the relationship, and they want to show you they mean it. That's my theory anyway.... Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 I'm lucky, I've never had to deal with this. I guess I was technically dumped, but my exes were nice to me, and still are. Link to comment
charity Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 i'm gonna hijack this thread a little just to ask your advice. everyone on here appears have been dumped and is disappointed how they were treated by the dumper. in my case i am the dumper. short intense relationship, too intense for me, i needed more space and he wanted more of me. i knew i couldn't give him as much as he wanted so i ended it. he did not accept it at first, constantly called and text until i BEGGED him for space. we tried to be friends but too much chemistry. i told him maybe when we both healed and were past it, we could be in each others lives as friends. now 10 weeks has passed. every 2-3 weeks he texts asking am i ready to be friends? i decided i had to go NC as anytime i answered it started an emotional conversation. today i gotthe message again. are you ready to be friends?. i told him' i do not want to be friends anymore, i'm sorry''. it SOUNDS heartless guys... but its not. i feel awful but the truth is that i can't stand that he won't leave me alone. he is still needy and needing me and i just want him to leave me alone. he is shocked and saddened now and wants a reason why we cannot be friends. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO SAY? i don't want to hurt him anymore, i want to be compassionate, but he is clutching at straws so i can't get into huge conversation as it will just fuel his desire to talk to me. does anyone have some advice of what i can text back. again sorry for hijacking, just seem an appropriate place to put this question as i know he thinks i am so cold and heartless right now. Link to comment
markie6 Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 Never offer friendship again. Always say you are never friends with ex's after you have been involved. Problem now is "in the future we may be friends" leads people to think if you are not ready to be friends , you still care In the mean time " please just let it go and leave me alone" you have tried to be nice bit now it needs to be cranked up a notch. Link to comment
newyear Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 Charity, my ex dumped me. after 3 years relationship. 5 months ago. now NC started after two months of me trying everything to get him back. He shocked me with the break up I lost my marbles, my senses and self control. one minute I was loved by him the next I was treated like rotten meat. BU happened all of a sudden and he refused to meet me he said "He is not ABLE to see and meet me" of course this is an admission by him that he can't justify how brutal and crule he is to me, the woman who loved him more than her life. Right, if he treated me better, less coldly,- defence mechanism, if he listened to me a little then shoke hands then walked away I think I would have let go knowing that my integrity is intact. That's what I tried to tell him but we never had a decent conversation over the phone.. he was shouting at me all the time. and the more I whisper the more he shouts.. like others said the dumper has the chance to prepare themselves for the bu scene. me I lost all ability to speak and really express my sadness. he took this as an opportunity to just shout and accuse more and more and more. I couldn't even defend my self I am still hurt. ok in short I say Charity.. give this man a chance - give him what he wants, listen to him. you made up your mind so why you worried. actually he might be the one to dump you. His only fault is that he loved you so much.. text him back.. be clear what you want but don't ignore him. Link to comment
charity Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 newyear, what we had was nice ... but its over. i'm glad its over. and i am happier and relieved when he leaves me alone. the fact he keep checking to see if i'm ready for friendship shows me he 'needs' me too much, just as he did in the relationship. i blocked him on fb, ignored email and text and STILL he writes me. who does that? this was a short relationship. i did not treat him badly AT ALL in the relation, i simply saw that it wasn't working for us. i have had very gentle compassionate conversations with him AFTER i dumped as i tried to explain why i needed space. fact is....he is not respecting my wishes to have space. also i don't believe he loves me , i believe he is lonely...big difference. Link to comment
xstar Posted April 23, 2012 Author Share Posted April 23, 2012 Charity - you did the right thing. I was in the same situation. I knew a guy that I hadn't even gone on a date with (friend of friends) that was convinced he's in love with me. He would send me text after text when I was at work or in meeting, sometiems I'd come back and see 5 new texts, and they would all be "hey", "are you there?", "busy?", "you're ignoring me... "what are you so busy with???". I asked him very nicely tons of time to stop texting me - I hate texts, especially at work, nor was I interested in dating. When it continued I proceeded to get mean. This is a different situation though. I feel that if you've given a fair number of warnings and the other party has made NO ATTEMPT to listen to what you said.. then yes, you should get mean if that is the only thing they will understand. This is very different from dating someone for a few years, breaking up with them with no warning or major feedback, and just turning cold overnight. If I were you, I wouldn't feel bad. Link to comment
xstar Posted April 23, 2012 Author Share Posted April 23, 2012 In my experience, people who are this needy are never 'in love'. Link to comment
rig01 Posted April 24, 2012 Share Posted April 24, 2012 I knew her cold side very well. She'd bring it out even in the relationship, sometimes for days or weeks. After she broke up with me, she even said that sometimes it's easier for her to be angry with me for whatever reason. She said she wished I was a jerk to her because it would make things easier, and that it would be better if we resented each other. So when things got messy, she did something that made us resent each other. So she got what she wanted, and took the easy way out. The whole relationship was her taking the easy way out, just like getting with someone new right away instead of healing is easier. I know I shouldn't still think this way, but I wonder how long her relationships can withstand always dealing with things in the easiest way possible. Link to comment
julian19 Posted April 24, 2012 Share Posted April 24, 2012 OMG charity.. are you ... my ex?? hehe.. well, charity's story is the same with me.. except that,, im the dumpee.. im the on who was constantly begging and pleading.. and my ex was pushing me hardly to the point wherein she already had to made up a lie that she's already seeing someone.. imagine how painful is that?? after SHE CONTACTED ME and i became desperate.. well at first, i try to cool down,, but she was giving me too much bread crumbs to the point that i already gave in.. i kept begging but i guess she figured out that i was still pinning on her so she backed off, which makes me more desperate.. and i have to say thank you to charity, because of posting your situation here, i was able to have an insight about my ex's mind as well. she probably feel irritated about the fact that im still needy.. and thats probably what made her hurt me so that i would finally stop bugging her. well i'll give u an insight about your dumpee's mind too.. being left by someone you love is not easy..especially when you miss that person.. when you miss all those memories and times that you both shared,, those laughs,, those sweet moments,, those good morning greetings,, that person's presence in your life..... ahhh... my hands is shaking.... yeahh... im starting to cry right now........ my god! you know,,, i think,, somehow,, you should at least give that person a respect... YES! lets say,, that,, your ex probably looks so low and weak at this point because of him giving up all his self respect and dignity just to have you back in his life ... it hurts to be ignored by someone,, especially someone you love.. it feels like,, you dont have any worth to that person..... and it also hurts to think that the other person just forgets every memories and thime that you both spent together... it feels like,, you didnt value all those times... awwww.. im sorry! i became too emotional... i just saw my ex in you,,,, i wanted to say all those things to her but... i cant .... but all in all,, thank you,, for giving me an insight im tired of typing... i'll just read up to everyone's post here... Link to comment
julian19 Posted April 24, 2012 Share Posted April 24, 2012 one more.. i think its kinda cruel for you to say that you dont believe that he loves you... and that he is just lonely... ofcourse hes lonely,, and miserable.... because someone that he loves so much left him... just imagine how those sa love songs' lyrics out there delivers the sorrow and pain of being left and broken hearted.... i think,, no offense,,, but,, you are the one who dont love him,,, because if you do, you will never leave him and hurt him in the first place... and... losing him in your life will hurt so much but it doesnt... instead,,, it made you happier..... well,... im just saying things ,,,,, goodnight Link to comment
charity Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 one more.. i think its kinda cruel for you to say that you dont believe that he loves you... and that he is just lonely... ofcourse hes lonely,, and miserable.... because someone that he loves so much left him... just imagine how those sa love songs' lyrics out there delivers the sorrow and pain of being left and broken hearted.... i think,, no offense,,, but,, you are the one who dont love him,,, because if you do, you will never leave him and hurt him in the first place... and... losing him in your life will hurt so much but it doesnt... instead,,, it made you happier..... well,... im just saying things ,,,,, goodnight julian, i do understand. but what can i do?. i would love your advice. i want to be caring and compassionate towards him. but if i answer his calls it gives him hope. if i even enswer back a text message then it starts a huge emotional conversation that does not give him what he wants. your right i do not love him. i am over the relationship. that is my right. i want to move onto a different chapter in my life. i have told him this.....still he can't let go. what do i do here to get the message accross while still showing care and concern. Link to comment
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