how can he be done and I am still hurting so much?

[hurthurthurt]

Please help. I finalized No Contact and said goodbye, so now I can never reach out to him again. He has clearly moved on. Our paths will never cross again. I guess he already made the transition at the time he broke up with me, and it took me weeks to accept that it is over. I cannot stop thinking about him. I miss him so much. I am working out, keeping busy, doing everything I am supposed to do. I run every night in hopes of sleeping through the night.

I don't understand how he can just drop me from my life after we were so intertwined every day. Does he think about me ever? I'll never know. Each day is worse and worse, and my mind keeps replaying the early days when things were wonderful. The worst part is, this guy did me wrong. He did not treat me right at the end, and yet I can't stop putting him on a pedestal and fearing I will never have anyone care for me again. HELP!!!! I wish I could read his mind and know if he ever thinks about me at all! And when will the hurting stop? I feel so awful, it has been weeks already! How can he drop me from his life and move on so easily? Why do I pust him on this pedestal? Does anyone else do that?

[Openminded]

Dont worry, it gets a lot easier. Pretty soon the pain subsides, and someone else will come along. Someone who will treat you like you deserve to be treated.

[hockeyboy]

its amazing at how much you will heal without even realizing it. one day you will find yourself feeling great and you wont even have noticed all the progress you made. it takes time so you dont really see it that much.

[icme]

yes, we all do it. I'm going through the exact same thing now. despite the fact I wasn't treated nicely at the end, despite the fact there were times throughout when I had certain doubts about her, despite the fact I know she isn't the best thing that may ever happen to me.. I'm still gutted, still thinking about her all the time.

 

I think it's the peculiar combination of someone you love pulling the rug out from under your feet – so you end up not knowing what the hell happened and feeling suddenly insecure and unsure of yourself, and the fact that they were thinking about it in advance, had time to prepare for it and can thereforeeee move on from you.

 

its really hard, but you will be ok. I haven't got there myself yet (only been 7 weeks) but almost everyone in the world has been through it one time or another – they are not lying when they tell us that one day, you won't feel bad. we just can't believe them yet, because we feel awful.

 

everything you said in your second paragraph are thoughts I've had constantly. I still can't understand how someone I was so intertwined with and happy with could do it. I wonder all the time what she's feeling. At times I still can't even believe she wanted to end it with me

 

my only advice to you is this:

 

1. it will get better. but maybe only slowly. don't expect miracles. it's a long, slow crawl back up the hill to feeling yourself. even then you have good days, bad days, good moments, bad moments.

 

2. the next stage of healing (and you'll know when you reach this) is accepting that you can't understand the whats? whys? hows? you just leave it to the past. you start to accept that you don't really get it, never really will – but you also realise that you don't need really need to know all these things to move on. time will take care of it.

 

3. the pedestal thing is weird – I've also got that problem. chalk that up to just the weird psychology of rejection. when someone does that to us they suddenly seem like this amazing, powerful person. its not true – its just how our upset minds interprets this mess.

 

4. give up trying to imagine how they're feeling. I spent weeks doing that and it only upset me more. I could not believe that she wouldn't be going through the same stuff I am. even today, I was thinking the same – does she sit at work looking at her email inbox and thinking of me?. but there is no reason why she would be – if she was, she'd be banging on my door. truth is – they are not in the same place we are. once you accept the harshness of that reality, you can start to move on.

 

5. do yourself a favour – don't contact them. I haven't since the moment it happened. these boards are full of people who did contact their ex repeatedly only to get to the same place some weeks or months down the line. accept what you cannot change now, to save hurt in the future.

 

good luck. it's the nastiest thing I've been through so far in life. but what can you do. be strong and hope for better times.

[hockeyboy]

icme give excellent advice here. i agree with everything he is saying. you can use tactics to make it easier. for example, whenenver a thought comes to mind that makes me miss my ex and feel down, i remind myself of all the things that are wrong with her. both physcially and her personality. there are plenty. i tell myself that she was not the one but rather she was just convinent.

 

also, if i do want to contact her, i tell myself to think about it for a while and then if i still want to, ill allow myself. then i do what i said above. this works for me, i found this out on my own and you may need to find your own tactics on your own. its just like any job...you have to work at it and time is the only thing that will make you better and more efficient. also..remember that even though this is horrible, you are learning so much about life and yourself, and this is all part of the "plan" so you will be where you need to be when you suddenly find yourself with the "one" someday, you'll thank the person for leaving you and probably even feel pity for them, i promise you that.

[lady00]

deleted.

[liferedo]

Too close to home for me......

 

Although, I was the one that broke things off with her. So let me give you my perspective.

 

I broke things off with her after almost a year because I came to the realization that she was not invovled emotionally in our relationship as she was saying she was. There was alot of going thru the motions on her part.

 

Now I was truly madly and deeply in love with this person. Or as I have come to realize, the "idea" of this person.

 

It hurts, it always hurts. Whether real or not. Its the idea of what we had or thought we had that we put on the pedestal. And thats ok. Because that is what we are looking for in a partner. Its a reminder.

 

Now when I broke things off, that was it. Done. Up to that point I had exhausted myself talking to her about things and blaming myself. It was driving me into the ground and I was getting no response from her except a complete lack of emotion or commital.

 

This was all a few months ago. I am still exhausted. I have tried dating again but find I think of her, or the idea of her, way too much to be fair to another person. So i do other things.

 

I have not contacted her once since then. I have not heard hide nor hair from her either. Which does show my thoughts about her were correct. Atleast that is how I rationalize it in my head.

 

I was in pretty bad shape after breaking things off with her. And I still am to some extent. But I have gotten better. The worst are songs. I must be a site on the highway when certain songs hit the airwaves. A grown man bawling his eyes out. But afterwards I do feel better. Two songs absolutely kill me...Waiting in Vain..... and Moonlight Kiss.....tough to even type them.

 

So does the other person hurt...YES......does the other person grieve.....YES....does the other person think of you daily......YES almost every minute of the day. And it will affect me for the rest of my life....a resounding YES.

[lioness726]

I completely know how you are feeling. My ex dumped me after a year of being together only about 2 and a half weeks ago. And this was 3 or 4 weeks after we took a trip to San Diego for the night, got a hotel room on the beach, and had dinner at this really cute Italian restaurant. for our 1 year anniversary.

I am 21 and he is 24. This was his first "real" relationship. In his past he just slept with a lot of women and his longest "relationship" was 2 months. We were casual friends before we got together so this is hard and weird.

I know I'm young but that doesn't mean that this doesn't hurt like hell. I don't cry as much. At least not in public. But I still find myself in this cold, empty state. Sometimes at night I do cry. I often feel like I could imagine us still together and that doesn't seem so unreal. I feel like I could pick up the phone and call him after school or work. But I know I can't. It's hard because we have mutual friends. My friends tell me that he feels bad also. I know for a fact and have heard from other people that he doesn't regret breaking it off with me, it was the right thing to do, but it still doesn't make it easier to talk about. He told his friends that he is done with women for awhile(I don't believe that).

Basically what happened with us is that I loved him, but after a year he realized that he didn't love ME he loved the fact that I was in love with him because he had never fealt that before.

In the end, if he wanted me back (even though he doesn't) I wouldn't take him back. I wouldn't because it's the right thing to do. He didn't really know who I was, and didn't treat me the way I had treated him. I know he wasn't the best thing for me but I still hate this loneliness. I miss his face, lips, his eyes, his arms, the way he would hold me, the way he would smoke his cigarette. I miss our kisses, the sex. But I'm starting to believe that what is killing me the most now is the loneliness. I know that I will eventually find someone who will make me love those same things about them but right now I can't help but look at men and think, "It isn't him."

My ex had many flaws that I was aware of but I still found myself at night looking at him while he slept and thought, "I wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life with him."

I just feel so lost. I feel like I've worn out my friend's ears with talk of him but small talk just doesn't seem possible to me.

 

But as everyone has said... Time is what will heal things. Too bad time takes so damn long.

[evy38]

Why do we give and give and still care for them when they don't give back? What about what we deserve? Don't we deserve the love we give in return? I DON'T THINK IT'S BEING SELFISH TO WANT THAT. Maybe it's time we call them what they've become or always were, unloving. If you're posting here, I think it's safe to say you're a loving person who wants to be loved in return. NEW RULE, if they can't love you, or love you enough, move on to the love you so richly deserve.