desertbliss Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 Why would a dumper, that has moved into a rebound relationship, want to remain friends and be there for you? How do I know it's a rebound? Because he said he was going to use dating to get him thru his broken heart that I caused. Also, he decided the week after our breakup, that there must be someone else other there that will want what he has to offer. Breakup Nov. 29, 2011 Fast Forward to April 2012 and first time contact: Says he has a gf, so why would he want to remain friends with an ex, still want to attend her daughters wedding at the end of the year, send a gift, and keep the wedding venue in his name, and want to be there for the ex if there's anything she needs, if he has a new gf? I have explained to him that we cannot stay in contact nor be friends, due to my need of having to completely move on and the fact that he's in a new relationship. He said he understood and thanked me for being honest. I had 90% moved on until he contacted me over something he could have emailed me about, instead wanted discuss over the phone. Now I'm back at day 1 of feeling anxious, and over thinking the conversations, and plain ole wanting the time to pass to where I feel better again. UGH! Link to comment
Puma Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 For the most part, people who do this are pretty much dangling a carrot in front of you. They try keeping you in the loop as a way of stroking their egos, so they can showcase how "amazing" their new life is [without you]. He could also be sincere with a genuine desire to have you as a friend, but I've found the former to be closer to reality. Don't feed his satisfaction by giving him attention. Pay him no mind, and don't respond or answer your phone if he tries to get into contact. He has no place in your life, so there's no point in even being friends. Link to comment
MissieP Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 Yep Puma pretty much nailed it. Link to comment
desertbliss Posted April 15, 2012 Author Share Posted April 15, 2012 I guess I just needed that kick from someone else to help me stick to my decision of moving on with NC. Thanks ladies! Link to comment
thousandyear Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 This has been posted before... as dumpers frequently want to remain friends... an ex wanting to be friends is purely in THEIR BEST INTEREST... and NOT yours. Even though they may not consciously have any bad intentions, but the subconscious reasons include: (1) Reduction of their guilt (2) They don't accept your "faults" but want to keep you around for your good qualities... that's the best deal! Have you as a friend for the good qualities, but don't need to take any responsibility or accept your "poor qualities" (3) As a back-up should they discover the grass is NOT greener on the other side I experienced all of them, as I had 1 year of breadcrumbs/false hope from my ex after the end of our engagement. Each time I said I needed to move on and cannot maintain contact, he would hesitate and say that he does not want to lose me as a friend, and so will reconsider if we can work. But 1 year later, nothing has changed, and I finally woke from the denial/false hope and accepted that he has no intention of trying to analyze his own contribution/issues to the relationship problems, and that I cannot heal if we maintained friendship. So I learned it the hard way... that it's almost NEVER good for the dumpee to heal when the friendship or any contact is maintained. Sure, someday, when we have recovered and have moved on perhaps friendship may regrow... but definitely not in the short run when we are still trying to heal. Our ex is NOT there to support us when we heal, so we do NOT owe it to them to support them as friends when we are healing. Link to comment
LOSTINTHEDARK Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 you know, what I dont understand is,]why say we can still be friends? why not just say Goodbye at all? Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 dumpers are just people. some of them have even been dumped before too! i suggest not trying to understand any of it. it's always speculation. and it only takes away from your focus on moving forward. invest your energy on your own path...where it can go to work for you! Link to comment
Hollyj Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 Too many benefits: Non commital sex Armchair psychologist Guilt reliever Ego booster Why give this up if someone is willing to be a doormat. Link to comment
KT7777 Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 i 100% agree with you thousandyear!.. my ex kept giving me false hope and saying we can be friends.now we are not talking(after months of talking and mood swings) and she has moved on with someone else!..we don't need our ex as friends,just so they can feel better about themselves! Link to comment
markie6 Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 Dumpers want to remain friends often because that is all you were when they finally got round to breaking up with you. They didn't take 2 minutes coming to a decision, they took their time and detatched long before you realised it was happening. You will look back and realise this they ween themselves of their addiction ( slowly) using you as a comfort blanket ego boost guilt relief , some people don't like that guilty feeling , lying to somebody for a long time ( every second since they decided they didn't want you ). It is important to let them have their guilt if they fit this category. Link to comment
RitaTrue Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 Dumpers want to remain friends often because that is all you were when they finally got round to breaking up with you. They didn't take 2 minutes coming to a decision, they took their time and detatched long before you realised it was happening. You will look back and realise this they ween themselves of their addiction ( slowly) using you as a comfort blanket ego boost guilt relief , some people don't like that guilty feeling , lying to somebody for a long time ( every second since they decided they didn't want you ). It is important to let them have their guilt if they fit this category. well said stuff here Link to comment
KT7777 Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 Dumpers want to remain friends often because that is all you were when they finally got round to breaking up with you. They didn't take 2 minutes coming to a decision, they took their time and detatched long before you realised it was happening. You will look back and realise this they ween themselves of their addiction ( slowly) using you as a comfort blanket ego boost guilt relief , some people don't like that guilty feeling , lying to somebody for a long time ( every second since they decided they didn't want you ). It is important to let them have their guilt if they fit this category. ^^ wow my ex did all of this come to think about it damn Link to comment
Donovan79 Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 Biggest reason I've seen why they want to remain friends is that the ego boost they once received from you wanting them is gone. You remove that adoration for them, starting wanting someone else, and they suddenly aren't thinking "oh yeah, there's my ex out there, pining away for me". This is why frequently dumpers don't try the "let's stay friends" thing right away, but when they discover the dumpee is dating someone new, all of a sudden maintaining a "friendship" is the most important thing in the world. Link to comment
rhythm09 Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 Dumpers want to remain friends often because that is all you were when they finally got round to breaking up with you. They didn't take 2 minutes coming to a decision, they took their time and detatched long before you realised it was happening. It was hard to come to that conclusion when before the BU we were making plans to do stuff together. Just looking back now, yeah, he had emotionally detached himself long time ago. It's just funny how he hasn't tried to contact me at all. I know I've said give me time, but I literally left a door open for him. I'm not going to initiate communication. I rather him do it, but I'm not sitting around for that moment. I'm basically going about my life, with the occasional, "I wonder why he hasn't called me yet" mentality. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 It was hard to come to that conclusion when before the BU we were making plans to do stuff together. Just looking back now, yeah, he had emotionally detached himself long time ago. It's just funny how he hasn't tried to contact me at all. I know I've said give me time, but I literally left a door open for him. I'm not going to initiate communication. I rather him do it, but I'm not sitting around for that moment. I'm basically going about my life, with the occasional, "I wonder why he hasn't called me yet" mentality. You lucked out!!! Why would you want to be jerked around and used? Please move on from this guy, as the reconnect only bring pain. Close the door. Link to comment
italiannmf24 Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 Dumpers tend to lean towards friendship post break-up in order to avoid losing you altogether. It's the idea that they won't see you again that pushes them towards holding you on the back burner as a friend and, possibly, an option. Had their rebounds failed indefinitely, they would resort back to you, because you'd still be willing to make things work. That's why remaining in NC and holding your self-respect is crucial in the process of healing. Not allowing for the dumper to use you as an option is simply what's right. There is a multitude of reasons why dumpers want to remain friends. Unless you're willing to stand by their side when they have someone new, I'd implore moving on. Link to comment
dasilver Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 you know, what I dont understand is,]why say we can still be friends? why not just say Goodbye at all? My feelings exactly! Link to comment
dasilver Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 Wow! Humans! The way we treat each other...I'll never understand. Link to comment
dasilver Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 Too many benefits: Non commital sex Armchair psychologist Guilt reliever Ego booster Why give this up if someone is willing to be a doormat. Absolutely right! ^^^^^^^^^^^^ I went into NC immediately after my ex dumped me. He dumped me for no reason...He himself couldn't even give a reason. He just said i was too "proper" for him and he was out there. 1 Month later he calls and wants to see me again (take it real slow he says)....hmmmmm...what happened to me being "too proper?" I told him..."Errrrr....not right now." He was furious and threw a temper tantrum. I bid him Adios......I'm not a boomerang nor am i a yo-yo . Link to comment
rhythm09 Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 You lucked out!!! Why would you want to be jerked around and used? Please move on from this guy, as the reconnect only bring pain. Close the door. This is true. Though, I do wish he'd try to initiate. It's not killing me that he's not, just curious. Dumpers tend to lean towards friendship post break-up in order to avoid losing you altogether. It's the idea that they won't see you again that pushes them towards holding you on the back burner as a friend and, possibly, an option. Had their rebounds failed indefinitely, they would resort back to you, because you'd still be willing to make things work. I feel it's the complete opposite with my ex. He said he still wanted to talk to me, I said give me time. Which I'm guessing he's keeping his end. The one part that surprised me the most is, he said he wasn't making plans, yet he rebounds within days and gets serious within the first week. Then comes the biggest OUCH of them all, "If I break up with her, I'm not going back to you." When he said that, I was... devastated. Sure it was early after the BU, but just the fact that he didn't see a potential reconciliation in the future was... heart breaking. People change their minds, I know, but hearing him say that sort of had a hard truth in it. I don't know what fate will do, but deep down something tells me we'll never see each other again. Link to comment
dasilver Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 He said that to you? That's sad..... The tongue is one of the smallest things in the world...yet only very few people can control it. Link to comment
rhythm09 Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 He said that to you? That's sad..... The tongue is one of the smallest things in the world...yet only very few people can control it. Unfortunately... It's crazy how you think you know someone like the back of your hand, but when something critical happens in their life, it's like shift in polarity. I guess six years wasn't enough for me to know him as a person. Link to comment
Lightning87 Posted April 16, 2012 Share Posted April 16, 2012 I just realised that this is what my ex is doing, keeping me there to stop me from moving on. Hmmm, I think I should definitely go NC now. This thread has certainly given me the strength and realisation to do so Link to comment
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