Extreme Fear Has Gotten A Grip on Me Again

[Silverbirch]

I thought I was going so well. Had been very happy of late, but once again I feel I'm truly in the clutches of fear that something very bad is going to happen in this relationship. I constantly prepare myself in the event that I will be hurt again. This seems to be a regular emotional cycle for me. I've truly had my heart broken in the past - quite a number of times and promised myself that I will never let myself get so low again. We have been together for 7 months but friends for longer. We are both mature-aged.

 

Man in my life is under a fair amount of stress which is pretty much ongoing. When he is especially stressed, he can seem distant or grumpy. He has told me many times, even though I don't bring it up with him, that I worry way too much about the relationship and that I shouldn't. He seems to have a knack of knowing when I am stressing and what about. , I don't think he is a cheating type of guy, but I think he's very much a loner and was on his own for many years untli we got together. I work hard and have friends and interests outside the relationship which is especially important as he is a sort of homebody - well prefers to stay on his farm and admits he prefers animals to people. He's a stubborn and blunt-speaking type of person, but he has some really good qualities too. He's very different to any of the other men I've been with - from what I can make out - though I had all my exes on pedestals. I mean it is his bluntness - certainly no charmer like the exes whose behaviour changed so much after I was invested in those relationships and had developed a (false) sense of security.

 

I'm not sure if part of the problem is that I am very tired myself from work and money stresses, but I'm quite teary right now. If you've gotten as far as reading this, thank you.

[OracleofDoom]

Worry/anxiety is about a warped sense of control. You control nothing in this universe. All you can do is give.

[Alpine]

The more you stress, the more stress you will put on your relationship. I know that you probably know this, but just try to breathe and let the universe do its thing. Everything will be okay! You don't need to stress about it. And if something bad does happen - which it probably won't - then you can cross that bridge when you get there.

[Silverbirch]

Worry/anxiety is about a warped sense of control. You control nothing in this universe. All you can do is give.

 

Yes, because I have had no control in my relationships. I have been expected to give only, and when I haven't been able to give enough, or there has been another woman come on the scene who my exes thought might have more to give, I was discarded.

[Batya33]

I think you need to let things settle in yourself and when you are in a peaceful, calm place, without overanalyzing, try to let it just come to you what the root is -whether it lies completely in you or whether in him so that you can then figure out what to do (even if the answer is "nothing"). My sense is that sometimes you get tired of accommodating his way of interacting with you and it gets tiring doing the self-talk required so you don't take his moods and the way he is with you personally. When you're feeling strong it rolls of your back -may not even get on your radar - but when it doesn't or accumulates you feel anxious.

[Silverbirch]

The more you stress, the more stress you will put on your relationship. I know that you probably know this, but just try to breathe and let the universe do its thing. Everything will be okay! You don't need to stress about it. And if something bad does happen - which it probably won't - then you can cross that bridge when you get there.

 

Yes this is happening. Man spoke with me tonight. He says it surprises him that I am so insecure - I haven't told him the extent of my fears and very likely won't. I don't seem to have problems attracting men in my age group - or sometimes younger, and generally popular - with women too, but it makes no difference to my insecurities and it hasn't meant that I have had successful relationships. One of my exes who became obsessed with another woman said to me later that he didn't know what he had seen in the other woman, that she was nothing compared to me,but he went on to cheat again, and again became obsessed with yet another woman. I didn't take him back the second time. The next man I was with put in a lot of energy pursuing me. He became obsessed with a younger woman though he wouldn't admit it, I'm certain of that with good reason.

 

I'm pretty scared at the thought I might have to go through that again. I try and reassure myself that I'll be okay if that happens that I've gotten through all that before.

[Silverbirch]

I think you need to let things settle in yourself and when you are in a peaceful, calm place, without overanalyzing, try to let it just come to you what the root is -whether it lies completely in you or whether in him so that you can then figure out what to do (even if the answer is "nothing"). My sense is that sometimes you get tired of accommodating his way of interacting with you and it gets tiring doing the self-talk required so you don't take his moods and the way he is with you personally. When you're feeling strong it rolls of your back -may not even get on your radar - but when it doesn't or accumulates you feel anxious.

 

I think you are right Bataya. By his own admission he is not a "people's type of person" and not a nurturing type of person at all. He knows what he is like and often tells me that none of it is related to me personally, it's just how he is.

[Silverbirch]

I thought I would check in to say that I'm relieved to say the cycle of fear and insecurity seems to have settled once again. That felt awful while it was happening, but better right now thanks to those who helped.

[Batya33]

I think you are right Bataya. By his own admission he is not a "people's type of person" and not a nurturing type of person at all. He knows what he is like and often tells me that none of it is related to me personally, it's just how he is.

 

Yes -in this relationship you will need a lot more "self talk" to be ok with how he is and to continue to trust that it's not about you personally. It sounds like it is more than worth the effort.

[Ms Darcy]

My bf likes his distance as well. He's not a loner but likes his alone time. Independence is a great skill to develop ... however what you describe above would bother me. I have found it harder to maintain confidence, and a calm/independent attitude, in a relationship with someone who is stressed, can be grumpy, and seems to dismiss my feelings.

 

So, for me, I would not be compatible with that and my body would be more anxious - as a way of telling me that this relationship is wrong for me in some way or another. Something for you to consider.

[Silverbirch]

Thanks Bataya and Mrs Darcy