Insensitivty On These Boards!

[dasilver]

I've been a member of this site for 3 years. It's a great place for people to come and share personal, private and sensitive information concerning their lives. I have read some very inspiring posts, stories and information by some of our members. I've also read (and increasingly too) some very disturbingly negative posts by some of our members.

 

I know we can't all have the same personalities on here. This is just my observation.

 

I was reading a post about a young lady that was sad because her ex had move on with someone else and she was still struggling to get over him. People were telling her to "get over it"...."why are still asking about your ex?"...."move on from him he did you a favor." There was not one person that said "I’m very sorry you're going through what you're going through. These things take time. You'll get there honey, just take one day at a time."

 

Heartaches can take ages to heal. If you got punched in the face and people's responses were "Get over it." You'd be hurt by their unsympathetic nature. It's the same with someone suffering from a heartache. They can’t just “Get over it.”

 

As I said before, we can’t all be alike. This is just my observation. I guess you just have to take the positive and inspiring feedback and just ignore the insensitive ones.

[sonicfan287]

Hey,

 

Well said, and I have noticed this too. I notice it in my real life as well however, as I've taken my recent breakup VERY hard. She's already moved on with someone else and refuses to even talk to me after 2 years of dating and many important and awesome times together... its like I never existed. When i tell my friends about this, they dont understand and say Ill get over it and Ill live and its not the end of the world. Yes, I know its not "the end of the world" or I wouldnt be here right now but that doesn't mean it doesn't effect me every day, not to mention the horrible dreams I have every night. Its not until one of my friends suffers a heartbreak that they can relate to me but what I do love about these boards is that many people are going through the same pains (I dont love that people are in pain, dont get me wrong but it's easier to relate) and that we can lean on each other for support.

 

So if anyone else here is hurting, I'm always happy to listen and try to help, and even if not, I'm here for whoever needs me, both in real life and on these boards.

[Mashed Potato]

Reach for the stars...if you don't catch one you'll more likely come crashing back to earth and be shattered.

 

 

Just different views on things from different people. These are just responses from real people in real situations that maybe don't believe in molly coddling (not sure if that's the right term) people who may be wallowing in their own self pity.

 

If my five year old hurts herself, jams her finger in the door for example, and i make a huge deal out of it, or keep "reflecting" on it she never stops crying. Sometimes you acknowledge it and then prepare to move them on.

Not being insensitive, quite the opposite in fact.

 

MP

[Tom1990]

I for one appreciate the bluntness. I need to hear it at times like this. Fortunately there is a mix of people here, with varying experiences, so we can hear the softer words if we choose.

[Huntress0527]

It's not so much insensitivity but most people that respond aren't going to coddle but rather give 'tough love' to help them move on.

[Comstar]

"Get over it" is advice provided by someone who has not passed though it. It is not insensitivity, it is plain inexperience, like having a single working as counselor for married people.

 

I have passed through it and I know how tough it is. However, the good thing about this place is that you see that it happens to many people, so it helps people to know that many others are just like them. What seems important in such a situation is not to blame ourselves for something someone else decided when they left or broke up or just lost contact or just does not want to be contacted. Mourning is a process, an overwhelming one, we all must face and pass trough, and it has limited fuel and when it depletes, you have no other choice but to be happy.

 

Inexperienced people can't understand that.

[potty46]

Tough love is good... When you're not pining. I backed away every single time someone said to me "get over it," or "wake up to yourself." Its not easy, and while a part of me would search to be told blunt words... I usually looked for support to. The only thing that has stood out to me is it's a personal experience, and you learn by doing things YOURSELF, not by reading up on what not to do, or what's best.

[Huntress0527]

Most people on these boards have been through which is why they are here so not true.

[BrianH46]

Lol I would say the majority of the people on this site came here because of heartache, we know the feeling. I also know that sometimes when people constantly sympathize with you rather than being blunt, it makes it hard to move on and you wallow in your own self pity fueled by other peoples pity.

[danny2020]

I agree OP. I'm staggered at times by the negativity and often shockingly bad advice that gets handed out here at times. Thankfully there are some amazing people here too, but I sometimes think of all the people that could be taking this awful advice and using it to make their key life choices when they have no idea of how successful the advice giver is at leading their own life. It's the nature of an online forum though I guess and there's just as much great advice here too (if not more).

 

One trend I see too much though is this general attitude that people's exes are these evil monsters that were born to destroy our lives. So many times I see laughably childish advice such as "Why would you want someone that doesn't want you?" and "Why would you want someone that left you?" - all the kind of advice that is helpful in breaking contact after heartbreak by focusing on your exes flaws but can also be so damaging in terms of totally accepting no responsibility for the fact that maybe they left you 'cos you're a douche and a crap BF/GF that gave your ex no choice but to dump you!

 

And that's without mentioning the posters here with thousands and thousands of posts to their name that pop up in every thread with the harshest most careless comments that ride that thin line between trolling and 'genuine' advice that just reeks of bitterness and anger. Anyway, I don't want to be a Debbie Downer. ENA's great...just a little too much negativity at times! (which of course I have now added to

[OptomisticGirl]

Most people on these boards have been through which is why they are here so not true.

 

Exactly. I joined because of a broken heart, found my husband on here, and have been happy ever since. The fact is once you get past the broken heart stage it IS basically a 'get over it' mentality when looking back at others going through the process because you know once they do, eveyrthing will be great. I didn't expect people to codle me during my break up process and I won't do the same.

[sandrawg]

I agree. I've noticed a lot of "move on and get over it" posts lately. It's pretty disturbing. People don't come on here to be told "get over it." If I wanna be told that, I can bug my friends with how much I'm still hurting over my breakup.

 

We come here to vent, and hear stories from people going thru the same problems. Not to continually be told "just get over it."

[sandrawg]

Then, you people who are well past your breakups should go frequent some of the other boards. "Just get over it" is NOT helpful advice, as much as you want to believe it is. Did you want to hear that kind of thing when you were fresh off your breakup? Somehow I doubt it.

 

Exactly. I joined because of a broken heart, found my husband on here, and have been happy ever since. The fact is once you get past the broken heart stage it IS basically a 'get over it' mentality when looking back at others going through the process because you know once they do, eveyrthing will be great. I didn't expect people to codle me during my break up process and I won't do the same.

[OptomisticGirl]

Then, you people who are well past your breakups should go frequent some of the other boards. "Just get over it" is NOT helpful advice, as much as you want to believe it is. Did you want to hear that kind of thing when you were fresh off your breakup? Somehow I doubt it.

 

Did I want to hear it? No. Did it help? Hell yes. And I know it's helpful because it HELPED me and has helped me many others. Would you us just rather tell you 'yes hunny, pine away for him for years and years' and 'yes hunny, he will come back' or 'yes hunny, text him, he'll love to hear from you'? Sure, we can give that advice - but it's not going to get you over the the heart break. I have much sympathy for those who come here with a broken heart as I did myself, but sometimes coddling people is not helping either.

 

ENA has vast personalities. Some will agree with whatever you say or whatever you want, others will give you the tough love you need to move on. Which one you chose to heal with is your choice.

[sandrawg]

You have to take the negative with the positive-I don't care if someone is negative and, frankly, if I'm stupid enough to base all my life actions on a bunch of stranger's advice in an anonymous forum, then I kinda get what I deserve.

 

However, my problem is when the advice is just spat out without much thought, and no consideration to the OP's individual circumstances. I see people on here who've made giant mistakes in the type of people they chose to get into relationships with (myself included). And I try to read people's posts carefully and give thought to what I write in reply.

 

I just replied to a woman who'd been dating a guy who was fresh out of a divorce. Should I have said "just get over it", that would be immensely disrespectful and careless, and ignoring the place that she's at in her breakup. Instead, my thought is, can she look at herself to see why she picked an emotionally unavailable man?

 

I'd like to not only give people comfort, because that's what i'm seeking, but hopefully, the benefit of my experience AS IT RELATES TO THEIR UNIQUE SITUATION.

 

Tossing off "just get over it" does neither of those things.

[sandrawg]

Nobody's saying, that you have to give ONE OR THE OTHER.

 

Life is not so black and white, that your options are a) "just get over it" or b) pine away for him forever and ever.

 

Please read my latest reply, because I think I articulate exactly what my problem is with "just get over it."

 

Did I want to hear it? No. Did it help? Hell yes. And I know it's helpful because it HELPED me and has helped me many others. Would you us just rather tell you 'yes hunny, pine away for him for years and years' and 'yes hunny, he will come back' or 'yes hunny, text him, he'll love to hear from you'? Sure, we can give that advice - but it's not going to get you over the the heart break. I have much sympathy for those who come here with a broken heart as I did myself, but sometimes coddling people is not helping either.

[mhowe]

I got great advice on here a year ago, fresh out of my break up. And the advice was: let go. There is nothing you can do to change his mind.

 

It was what I needed to hear. And I did....and we are back together, so I remain in order to help those who need to hear it as well.

 

Venting does nothing but keep you focused on the negative. Constantly rehashing the same information does nothing. Healing starts when you let go.

[Huntress0527]

Did I want to hear it? No. Did it help? Hell yes. And I know it's helpful because it HELPED me and has helped me many others. Would you us just rather tell you 'yes hunny, pine away for him for years and years' and 'yes hunny, he will come back' or 'yes hunny, text him, he'll love to hear from you'? Sure, we can give that advice - but it's not going to get you over the the heart break. I have much sympathy for those who come here with a broken heart as I did myself, but sometimes coddling people is not helping either.

 

ENA has vast personalities. Some will agree with whatever you say or whatever you want, others will give you the tough love you need to move on. Which one you chose to heal with is your choice.

 

Agreed. It's also annoying when the same people keep on and on about pining for their ex. You're not helping yourself. You also see the same people make the same mistakes and it's like when will you learn?

[OptomisticGirl]

Nobody's saying, that you have to give ONE OR THE OTHER.

 

Life is not so black and white, that your options are a) "just get over it" or b) pine away for him forever and ever.

 

Please read my latest reply, because I think I articulate exactly what my problem is with "just get over it."

 

I did read your last post and while I never give the same advice to 2 people (as 2 people in the same situation can give me a different vibe) the vast majority of the time when people post here over and over again, they are doing the same things over and over again during the break up. Contacting the ex, holding out for hope... I did the same thing. If you aren't trying to make progress in the healing department when it's blatant the relationship is over then yes, I will give a 'just get over it' advice. I've coddled many IRL friends during break ups only to have them go back to the same ex, repeat the SAME vicious cycle. The only time people tend to hear your advice (and TRULY take it) is when you give them tough love. You can give tough love in a good way and a bad way (I always try to give it in the good way), but in the countless healing stories I've heard since I've been on here, never once did no tough love help someone heal.

[Seraphim]

For the most part I do not think any of the advice is given with malice or mal intent. There is a time for being soft and there is a time for being more "hard". If someone is stuck in a loop of feeling sorry for themselves and stuck in the same thought processes it is not helpful to keep enabling it.

[Cheetarah]

I hardly think there's a lot of insensitive advice here. The opposite, in fact. But maybe it's because I frequent other forums where you will essentially get laughed or harassed straight off the board. It's nice here, believe it or not.

 

"Get over it" is a less diplomatic way of saying "Let go"(this is how I take it). What is there left to do but let go when your relationship or marriage is over? Sure, you can try to fight. Rarely is a relationship a one man dance. It takes two people to contribute to the downfall of a relationship, typically. As far as painting exes out to be monsters - Well, this is what people do. Emotional cognition goes out the window when you're in distress and life can seem very black and white for awhile. I think it's all part of the grieving process for most. Once the dust settles we have the ability to see things clearly. Who picks up a paintbrush and is an instant Picasso?

 

Most of the advice that ever helped me was the exact thing I DIDN'T want to hear. The stuff that made me want to stab my fingers in my ears and go "lalalalalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaa".

 

It takes all kinds to make the world go 'round. I appreciate all perspectives. Even if it makes me want to punch a wall. It's good to hear it all. You always have options. As the saying goes, "Take what you need and chuck the rest."

[blueplanet22]

I think it can come accross as harsh because there is no tone to hear, or no face to see how things are being said. How you type things on here, on text or on an email isn't the same way as the OP reads it.

[Seraphim]

I think it can come accross as harsh because there is no tone to hear, or no face to see how things are being said. How you type things on here, on text or on an email isn't the same way as the OP reads it.

 

Exactly. Text is one of the WORST ways to interpret what someone means.

[markie6]

Exactly my thoughts , words look a certain way. How you hear them can be vastly different.By and large for a public forum of mixed ages and personalities, its better than a lot of these type of forums

I think it can come accross as harsh because there is no tone to hear, or no face to see how things are being said. How you type things on here, on text or on an email isn't the same way as the OP reads it.

[secondchance67]

I try to give advice that is sound, yet firm.

I give out what I would want to get; I would rather a "dose of reality" than a sugar-coated response from someone who responds basically the same way, one way or the other, to all the posts they reply to.

 

Some have a mantra - like NC, for instance....but each post is different; the situation, the emotions, the timeframe, etc.

You cant "paint all posts with the same brush", so to speak, this isnt a place to beat the drum on your personal convictions either.

 

We are here to help each other.

 

Tough love, hardline, matter-of-fact responses can help, when they hurt, IMHO, is when the person asking doesn't want to hear it, and is looking thru 10 responses for the 1 or 2 that plays to what they are hoping for or desepratley wanting to have happen....ignoring the "hard line" and looking for what will validate how they are feeling.