GotMyLifeBack Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 If you want people to just listen, call the Samaritans. This is an ADVICE forum. And exactly who put you in charge? Link to comment
journeynow Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 If you want people to just listen, call the Samaritans. This is an ADVICE forum. I'm confused. I first came to eNA looking for an online SUPPORT group. I didn't notice the rules that stated it was strictly for advice. Can you show me where I missed it? I'm serious, because I may have misunderstood the purpose of being here. Thanks, civil. Link to comment
einsteins_girl Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 If you want people to just listen, call the Samaritans. This is an ADVICE forum. Wow, okay. Thanks for clarifying. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 It is true, yes sometimes people DO want to be listened to, BUT.......how does one do this online?? It is so much easier in person. You have looks and touches and all the 90% of non verbal communication at your disposal. Here all you have is words. You can read it and pretty much just say, sorry..........then there is not much else to say if you are just listening. Link to comment
einsteins_girl Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 It is true, yes sometimes people DO want to be listened to, BUT.......how does one do this online?? It is so much easier in person. You have looks and touches and all the 90% of non verbal communication at your disposal. Here all you have is words. You can read it and pretty much just say, sorry..........then there is not much else to say if you are just listening. I think it is absolutely possible to "just listen" online. Yes, in many ways it isn't as full of an experience as in person, but some people just don't have anyone to talk to in person or feel like they've exhausted their friends and family or will be judged by them or who knows. I've had many people in an online environment who have listened and provided support without giving advice. It's really just a matter of relating to the person, perhaps telling them something similar you experienced, telling them things will work out... without saying things like "get over it!" "stop contacting him!" "move on!" "you should call him and tell him you love him!" - anything. Not always - but sometimes - there is a tendency on this board to project one's own life experiences onto another person's situation, without really knowing either of the people. In those cases, the advice can sometimes be misleading or even hurtful to the person who came on here. Another poster has said a few times on eNA that every person, every relationship, and every situation is different. I absolutely believe that is true. I'm not saying advice is bad. I'm just saying that sometimes people on here beat a person down with "advice," judge them, or make them feel bad for not following it. That, to me, is not effective and should not be the motto of this board. I truly did come here many years ago because I just wanted to feel less alone. Some people helped with that, some didn't, and I've learned to ignore those I don't find helpful. But I do still get concerned when someone new comes on here and is just bludgeoned with advice instead of compassion or companionship (as best as it can be offered in an online environment). I think we've all been in a romantic relationship, for example, where we need to vent about our day or just talk something out, and our partner keeps trying to advise us what to do. It can get frustrating and actually feel unsupportive. It's a common problem you see referenced in many relationship books... where one partner just always tries to give advice in situations when giving advice isn't helpful or the timing just isn't right at that point. Sometimes, eNA can feel like being in a similar relationship. I realize everyone here wants to help. I really believe they do. But they need to remember that their style of approaching things is not everyone's style, and sometimes it's best to just stay quiet and move on to a poster who would maybe benefit more from your style. Whatever anyone declares on this thread, I know for a fact that not everyone comes here for advice. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Well yes, you can listen, of course, and no one really knows anyone here, but superficially. Yes, I know we can listen, but beyond a few kind words there is really nothing else. Sometimes one does not want to share a part of their own life that has been similar so all you can do is to tell the person they will be ok and that is it. It seems so empty. Also upon a person's first post how do you know they are not going to benefit from your post? You can't know that. So just telling someone, they don't really want your advice and you're mean so just move on is going to create a rather empty forum where no one posts. Link to comment
einsteins_girl Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 I should clarify that I think a LOT of posts on here are obviously soliciting advice. I mean, they explicitly say in the subject line "Need advice!" or something similar. I am mostly talking about posts where it is clear the person is despairing or venting, mostly found in the Breaking Up, Getting Back Together, and Healing After Breakup and Divorce forums. To me, sometimes it is obvious when someone does not need advice or to be judged. If you don't feel like you have anything to add there, then don't. It's that easy. I don't think this would be an empty forum because a lot of people are looking for advice. I'm simply saying that it's important to remember not everyone is. Also, if it's unclear and one does offer advice and it seems like the person isn't in the right place to hear it, let it go, don't keep beating on them until they listen. At the point they're at, they won't. It's best to leave them to those eNAers who can relate to the place they are currently at - and not try to push them to somewhere they aren't ready for. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 Hm sounds like post directing, where only certain people can answer certain posts, if they have the qualifications. Where like people should stick with like people and not mingle. Link to comment
einsteins_girl Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 LOL, Victoria. That's not at all what I meant. But, like anything with this board, interpret it however you'd like. Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted March 31, 2012 Share Posted March 31, 2012 This thread has run its course. Thread closed. Link to comment
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