BF's alcoholic grandmother and giving up

[Fudgie]

My bf's grandmother (who he lives with right now) is an alcoholic who has been drinking as such for the past 30 years. She seemed pretty functional (only drank at night at home, never drove) and was adverse to any sort of help up until last year. She then began to lose her mind, get very sick, and started turning MEAN. She'd scream at my boyfriend for making food for no reason, scream at him for being up and going to the bathroom, and just started being crazy (hearing imaginary phone calls, paranoid, making stories up and thinking they were true). She'd forget EVERYTHING. Basically turning into a person that we both hate and avoided.

 

The grandfather is around but he's a spineless, dense enabler who has been told he enables but still does anyway even though he knows it. Ugh, he's just USELESS.

 

We recently got her help a couple months ago with a very good doctor. She fooled her own doctor since that dr didn't even know that she drank. The new dr discovered all sorts of problems with her brain and walking and even mental capacity. He told her not to drink and gave her withdrawal meds. My boyfriend has been vigilant in stopping her from drinking, dumping out alcohol, etc. She has fought him on it but as a result, her drinking decreased and for a while, she was a LOT better. Happier, no more screaming, no more controlling behaviour, sleeping fine, no more sickness. Good, right?

 

The past month, she has been secretly drinking. My boyfriend has torn apart the house to look for alcohol but can't find it. I have helped him look. I have no idea where she is hiding the alcohol, but she is HIDING it GOOD, the old coot. Her behaviour has since gotten worse but not as bad as it used to be, yet. he has confronted her but she swears she doesn't drink but won't admit it. She won't even admit she has a problem.

 

She already has signs of liver problems (she's old) and has already been hospitalized for having a near-seizure when she used to drink a lot. The grandfather does nothing. She won't go back to the doctor. She won't even admit that there's a problem.

 

He told me today that he's sick of all this, doesn't want to do anything more for her, and just wants to distance himself from her as we get closer to the time that we move out together (this summer). He says he's really starting to hate and resent her and at this point, feels like he has the strength to walk away from her, knowing that when he dies, she'll just drink herself to death relatively soon as he moves out and moves on with his life.

 

I don't have alcoholism in my family so I don't really know what to say or do to help support him. How can I help support him in feeling good about it? He wants to move on with his life and doesn't want to deal with her drunk butt but he feels bad in a way, and I can't blame him. What do I say? I don't have ANY addiction in my family and have never dated someone with addiction/family addiction problems so I don't really know where to start.

[Circe]

Urgh.. so awful. I'm very sorry Fudgie I think you should really encourage him to go to an Alanon (?) meeting - the support group for family members of alcoholics. I think it would help..

 

Is this the same bf who is a fair bit older than you or am I way behind?

[Fudgie]

Urgh.. so awful. I'm very sorry Fudgie I think you should really encourage him to go to an Alanon (?) meeting - the support group for family members of alcoholics. I think it would help..

 

Is this the same bf who is a fair bit older than you or am I way behind?

 

No. That was my last ex who was nearly 40 years older than me. If it were his grandparents, lol, that would be a miracle, they would be relic-worthy! We split in May/Juneish because he refused to treat his depression and our relationship/communication deteriorated as a result. I began to date my current boyfriend in late Sept. I was able to let go of my last ex quickly once I realized that it was best for him to just get some rest and leave him be, because he didn't want to change for me or for himself.

 

My current boyfriend is my age and we've known each other a long time.

 

I will mention the Alanon meetings to him, although I am not sure if he wants to go at this point because he doesn't want to try and help her anymore since it seems helpless.

[Circe]

That's what I thought!! lol I thought wow.. amazing genes if his grandparents are still around!

 

Yeah the Alanon is not to help him help her - but just to help him. I might be wrong but I think that while many of the people will be still trying to support the loved one, some will have moved on from trying to do that and are now just trying to deal with the pain its inflicted on their lives. I guess I just think knowing he's not alone can really help. Sounds like you are doing great being supportive etc but hearing from people whove been through the same thing can definitely add another dimension to helping you deal with a problem..

[Fudgie]

Thanks. I didn't know Alanon was for people who decided to detach and move on from an alcoholic. I thought it was for people who are trying to support the alcoholic and continue being in his or her life, which N (my bf) doesn't want to do, outside of the occasional visit to her house. I hope that going may help him to feel less guilty about it and better about his choice. I will bring it up to him and see what his thoughts are.

[Circe]

I could be wrong but it's probably worth giving the organisation a call, speaking to a local co-ordinator and finding out if others in the group are dealing with guilt or other consequences of "moving on". I mean, it's so hard to be the partner or the supportive family member in these situations. Surely a lot of the time people do move on and such people would continue to need support. If they started off as part of the group they probably continue.. probably worth investigating..

[hers]

It may seem like pouring out the booze and such helps but it doesn't. It's doing the same thing over and over again and expecting diff results (insanity). My grandmother sounds exactly like his grandma. At that age, there's a chance she will never get help but your boyfriend can get it through Alanon. He's not responsible for helping her stop. Neither is her husband. Enablers aren't useless. His grandfather probably thinks he's helping as much as your boyfriend is. Him not helping you guys search for booze does not mean he's useless. It means his insanity just occurs in a different way but there is no way to to get them to stop drinking.

 

In Alanon we have the 3 C's. You can't control it. You can't cure it. You didn't cause it. Thinking anyone of those 3 opens the door to further insanity.

 

Both of youshpuld look into Alanon. If your boyfriend said that she's the one with the problem, not him, then e definitely needs the help. Taking on the role of caregiver to the alcoholic gives the disease fuel and allows it to be passed down further. Please take a chance and go to a meeting. It'll help more than you could ever imagine.

[hers]

Oh and you don't have to move on from the alcoholic in the program. You make your own decisions about what to do with all of that. For me, I'd already cut my mom out of my life but Alanon actually helped bring us back together. And she still drinks and has never gotten help.

[TearsofFate]

My grandma was an alcoholic too. At that age, there not a huge chance for your bf's grandma to ever quit her habits. If she's been an alcoholic for 30 years and is now old, then I'm afraid the damage has already been done. She is dependent and the alcohol has probably already done a number on her brain.

 

My nana would forget everything within seconds of saying it, and she just drank all the time. Eventually everyone gave up trying to help her because she just didn't want to be helped and the alcohol to her, was the only thing she had in this world that got rid of her pain (she had cancer). It helped her (and at that age...it probably does help). It would have made sense for her to quit 20-30 years earlier, because then she would have had a life to live, but at that age..there isn't much hope I'm afraid.

 

I think you should focus on the people you can help, like your bf and his grandpa.

 

My grandma used to be really nice, then she'd yell but it was the alcohol talking not her. I felt really bad for her. Being addicted and being so old must be scary and depressing. What you can do for the grandma is show her you guys care no matter how much she drinks.

 

What I did was make my grandma stuffed animals, cards, and gave her things to put in her home. We helped her clean the place. We visited her once per week (if she was sober) and drank tea with her. (She liked that).

 

You have to remember, that all old people have problems like kidney failure, cancer, depression, lonliness, pain, ...and sometimes it's better just to be there. You don't have to live with them or anything. It's good your trying to cut down her alcohol intake but there's probably not much you can do for her to quit since she is old now. If I were you, I'd just show her that you two care through cards, teddy bears...things like that. It's quite normal for elderly people to get grouchy or forget things. I know the alcohol doesn't help, but to an older person, it's probably the only comfort she has before she passes away. It can be quite scary for her.

 

I'm sorry for the depressing post. I had a grandma just like the one who you described. She drank from age 17-86 (she died at 86 from cancer). She was still good on her sober days though. Best wishes, and I think it's okay for your bf and grandpa to distance themselves from her. They don't have to be depressed all the time just because she's drinking. However, your bf can still send her cards or phone her to see how she is doing.

[Fudgie]

Well, he got into contact with the dr. Since the dr wrote an order to her "No driving period, you're neurologically impaired", then my boyfriend does have the option of being able to call the DMV with the info from her last doctor's visit (which he has legally, cause he was there when it was given, w/ her consent) he can have her license taken away permanently or temporarily. This woman really shouldn't be driving, because she gets wacky even when sober. The DMV will give her hell about it and make her re-test and all it takes is a phone call.

 

This is probably the "last ditch" chance because she loves to drive and loves her car and he'll have those things taken from her.

 

We talked about Alanon but I don't think he wants to go. He says there is no point because he doesn't intend on supporting her if this last attempt fails and hates her personality now and doesn't want to be around her.

 

I think a big part of this is that N is no-nonsense when it comes to "crazy". He won't talk to his crazy younger sister and has her blocked on all mediums of communication. He lives 10 min from his biological mother but hasn't talked to her in years and she's basically dead to him. No father in his life and doesn't want to talk to him either. Doesn't talk to most of either side of the family either. If he could move out right now, I think he would, and I don't think he'd see his grandparents much except for holidays, maybe. That is just who he is.

 

Grandpa has no desire to do anything. He doesn't even admit that she has a drinking problem. He used to go out and buy her alcohol but at least he doesn't do that anymore. He just stands there like a dolt and lies about her usage and goes along with her delusional thinking even though he doesn't touch booze. He will be there for her until the day she dies, saying she doesn't have a problem. It's sick.

 

I guess I'll keep you guys updated on what's going on but that's the plan for right now.

[hers]

Supporting her doesn't mean he's enabling her or encouraging her to stay in her disease. Going to meetings will just help him detach from the problem more easily (without necessarily cutting her out of his life or even keeping her in it as much) and not let it affect him as much

[Fudgie]

I've told him that too. I guess he just doesn't want to make the effort and says he can detach on his own. I know he's definitely eager to move out and get on with his life.

 

To be fair, he was never a "caregiver" to her. He has always hated her drinking and gave her crap about it and complained about it a lot to me, but it wasn't until she was hospitalized and saw the dr that he began to actually throw the crap out since that was the dr's orders.

[hers]

No I know what you mean. But I just mean care giver in the sense that he's taking on this responsibility when really, he doesn't have to at all.

[Fudgie]

No I know what you mean. But I just mean care giver in the sense that he's taking on this responsibility when really, he doesn't have to at all.

 

The dr told him to take charge and throw out the alcohol and monitor her. Those were actually the dr's orders to him.

 

The grandfather was there for all of this and told the same thing but he doesn't actually do anything.

 

She's definitely sneaking it though but we can't find it anywhere.

[hers]

Well, the doctor shouldn't recommend something like that but I understand his reasoning for it. But when someone is so much an alcoholic that it's affecting them that much, there's not much else you can do

[Fudgie]

I just feel really bad for him. She just flies off on the smallest things and it pisses him off. She already is a pretty depressed and controlling person, but the alcohol makes it worse.

 

I guess the DMV thing is the last thing he can/wants to do before he just walks away from it.

[Fudgie]

I still don't know what he's gonna do about it yet. She got mad at him yesterday for nothing and yelled at him. He really needs to be out of that house. He said that she's a control freak. She's always freaking out over where everyone is, where the animals are, what everyone is doing, etc. When she drinks, it gets a lot worse. I am not sure what is going to happen but something needs to happen soon.

[Fudgie]

I decided to update this thread. Things are reaching a new low with her.

 

Things she's done recently:

-forgets everything

-loses things

-freaking out over NOTHING again

-WALKS AROUND NAKED. WALKS AROUND NAKED. (repeated for emphasis)

-gets angry over nothing

 

At this point, he has stopped trying to get her to stop drinking. She drinks in secret. It is a matter of time before she ends up in the ER, but what can we do? We plan to move out within 2 months, so he just has to hang on til then. In the meantime, we are going to contact the DMV and get her license taken away. Doctor saw her and told her that she had a neurological disease and shouldn't drive. Yet, she drives. So bye bye license! I don't really know if he's going to have a relationship with her but he definitely wants to distance himself as she self-destructs.

 

We also aren't going to tell her where we will be living, because she is losing her brain and we don't trust her not to tell *certain* people and do something stupid.

 

N doesn't really want to go back for visits or whatnot, given how things are going. Just take all of his stuff and leave.

 

It's the end of the road.