Feeling A Little Belittled By My Husband.

[sweetheart91]

Last night I was studying for a test I had this morning and I had asked my husband to help me study because he is good in this particular subject(Too embarrassed to say what the subject is lol). He was helping and everything was going smoothly. I was understanding his examples and everything. Then I got to a problem that I had already got the answer to in class but wasn't sure how I got it. So I started trying to work it out on my own. I got stuck and asked him to come over and help me. When I didn't catch on as quickly he got frustrated, threw the pen, and screamed "this is so basic, why don't you get it!!!???" I tried to hold my composure and asked him to not do that again but the emotion was so much I began to cry and got up to walk away and he blocked me. He said why are you upset? And I said you don't do things like that! My brain doesn't work like yours so why would you insult me? His response was that you know I'm impatient and I get frustrated when I think you should know something! And I said why are you getting impatient, you're helping me. You're supposed to take your time and calm down! He walked away and went to go sit at the computer and I continued studying by myself. Before going to bed he walked past me on the couch and said sorry(not like he meant it) and just went to the room. After I was done studying I went to bed and said a little prayer to ease the anger from me and for me to be able to let it go and wake up fresh by the morning(I can sometimes hold grudges). He was asleep on the floor so before laying down I called him into bed. This morning he woke me up with sorries and I love yous and we discussed it, and I told him that what he said hurt my feelings.

 

This is not the first time my husband has talked to me in such a away. He's not a bad person and means well but just has a way of saying things and is VERY impatient. We've discussed before that he needs to watch how he says things to me and I should be understanding and patient with him because he is impatient(but he's working on it). But in past arguments his statements have made me feel like he's belittling me or that he sees ma as a child. Whenever we argue about it he always says I should understand that he is impatient and says things out of frustration. But how many times will I have to keep talking to him about? How many times will he do it again? I'm human too, so although I know he says things out of frustration, I do have feelings also.

 

 

What do I do??

[Tranquillo]

Is he very much older than you? Maybe thats why he views you as a child.

[nutbrownhare]

My ex-partner was like this whenever he was showing me how to do something. He taught me how to use a computer graphics program, but when I asked about something basic, he would go into overdrive with far more information than I'd asked for or needed - and I'd get so confused and overwhelmed I didn't take any of it on board - including the answer to the initial question. Then he'd get angry. He'd also get angry if I did things in a way other than the one he'd shown me. I just stopped asking in the end; or if it was something fairly basic, I'd just watch surreptitiously to see how he did it.

 

I think you can safely say that your husband is going to be like this whenever your rate of learning/learning style differs from his, or if you ask for help. You don't say how often you have this sort of argument, but if this is just one example of the way he belittles you, undermines you and disrespects you - look up the resources on emotional abuse.

 

I have to say that with the benefit of hindsight, if a guy started treating me like this these days - I'd be over the hills and far away. Very fast.

 

Only you know how much of a feature this kind of behaviour is in your relationship, and whether it's worth it overall for the good times. But the fact that he expects you to be patient about his impatience, and bear the brunt of something which is HIS problem and not yours, sounds all sorts of warning bells for me! Him telling you should be understanding of the fact he's abusing you is completely unacceptable. You need to ask yourself if you really want to carry on accepting it.

 

I think you can safely say that he will continue to do this for as long as you're around him.

 

Edit: I've just read the start of your other thread on here. Get out - NOW - while you've still got some shreds of self-esteem left. You are in a potentially terrible situation which is only likely to get worse.

[nutbrownhare]

Is he very much older than you? Maybe thats why he views you as a child.

Even if she were very, very much younger than him, it doesn't justify this kind of abuse. It wouldn't be acceptable if it were a teacher/pupil relationship.

[Tranquillo]

I'm not saying it is acceptable, just trying to understand why he may see her as a child.

[itsallgrand]

Since we are only getting one side of the story, I'm not going to assume he is abusing you. What we know for sure is he has a short fuse and doesn't like repeating himself.

I agree with nutbrownhare that if this is a continual thing, it's a bigger problem.

But it could also be a simple lack of communication thing.

 

The first thing I would try is not asking him for help all the time. Sometimes? Sure! But it's not his job as a partner to be your teacher. If you ask him to be, and then get upset at his "teaching style" to the point where you are crying, well you are sort of feeding into this "I am the child, you are the grown up" pattern.

 

Some people are not good teachers. That doesn't mean they can't be good partners.

 

I think you acted a bit childish at least in the instance you mention. Just bc you asked him to help you, doesn't mean he isn't "allowed" to get frustrated. You could have made a simple comment about how it probably isn't a good idea that you study together or something, instead of storming off and crying about it. Would you do that in school, work, or anywhere else for that matter?

 

I'm not saying it is your fault he behaved as he did, just that I can see some possible scenarios for his frustration being genuine. Especially if you continually are turning to him to be the one to instruct or lead.

[bulletproof]

I agree with those saying he shouldn't be speaking to you that way, impatient or not. And that's something he should be working very hard on for the long term.

 

But for the short term, maybe you just need to get help from a study group, classmate, or tutor. This doesn't seem worth it. I understand that he's good in the subject, but look at the cost.

[Stay_home]

Seek help on the subject from someone who's a lot more patient.

[Tia Emma]

Sometimes the frustration of the person teaching you stems from his own limitations. To teach something you need to understand a subject thoroughly to be able to capture the essence of it and convey that. He would also need to understand why you don't understand it. That takes more than what he knows. You can be proficient in a subject and be able to perform the exercises but not be able to teach someone else. He was probably repeating himself and not be able to get to the heart of it.

 

As for the attitude, you have only to consider if he is that way with someone else, such as his boss. He can be impatient by nature, but he CAN help it if he has to. People are like that.

 

You should stand up to him and put him in his place. Muster up the Margaret Thatcher in you. That's ok to do with men because they understand and respect that, but they don't understand crying.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

When I didn't catch on as quickly he got frustrated, threw the pen, and screamed "this is so basic, why don't you get it!!!???"

 

This is where you need to toughen up and tell him off right then and there...with a simple response "that was very rude and uncalled for" or something like that. No tears, no yelling, just a simple statement to let him know that he crossed the line.

[SarahRose]

so was this a math or chemistry problem? I wouldn't be embarrassed by it.

 

The solution is to not ask him for help as he has shown he isn't a good teacher and is impatient. Does he generally see you as dim? If that is his attitude towards you, he isn't going to change it.

 

There is all the help you could ever want for about any subject on google and youtube.

[sweetheart91]

There was so much great advice here. I wouldn't say my husband is verbally abusive but IMPATIENT????... definitely! He has admitted to not being a good teacher, but we got home late and I had no one else to help me. Though I don't ask for his help all the time, I thought this time would be ok because he is supposed to be working on his patience. I didn't initially cry and storm out. When he said what he said I simply stated he crossed the line in a nutshell, but I was so shocked and stunned by what he said my emotion took over me and brought on the tears. I pretty much let him know this morning that it wasn't ok for him to do that. No crying or yelling was involved. He told me later on today he liked the way I came to talk to him about it and liked how I was so calm about it, said what I had to say, and dropped the subject from there.

 

This doesn't happen all the time, but it has happened before so I don't think he's emotionally abusing, just gets beyond frustrated sometimes.

 

Yes the subject was math lol(I suck terribly at it!)

[Ms Darcy]

I do think the best solution is to get help from someone else. Rearrange your schedule if you need to. You would if he was travelling/unavailabe to help.