sweetheart91 Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 My husband and I hve been married for six months today. We've only been together for 7 months. Our relationship has had its up and downs. At the time I met him I was involved in a very complicated relationship with someone else. In a nutshell the other person I was involved with was someone I knew for 7 yrs. We were separated for some time and found each other again about 2 yrs ago. Our relationship was a complicated one because he was still trying to get over his ex at the same time. We grew up together in Chicago, but now I live in Houston. So during the time we started talking he would come to visit me in Houston. We developed a relationship and feelings for one another and yes of course we were sexually involved. I loved this man to death but we couldn't get past the up and down and back and forth of him and his ex. We fought like crazy and was always off and on. Around August of last year I met my husband, I liked him but then later found out his issue of trying to become a citizen. He asked me to marry him in order for him to file his papers and initially I wanted to help but I was still dealing with the other guy. I eventually ended up marrying my husband, David and when I did the other guy now finally told me how much he was in love with me which is what I had been waiting to hear for the whole year we had been involved. During that period of dealing with the 2 I cheated on my husband with the other guy when he came for his last visit here in Houston. The visit was supposed to be for closure but i ended up being unfaithful. (No sexual intercourse, just oral and making out) It really hurt my husband deeply and caused us to hve really bad insecurities about one another. Mine being if he really loved me or just wanted me to help him with his citizenship and his being if I was still in love and would one day run off with the other guy. Since then we hve grown past this issue but I had to start it off with this so you guys would know where the root of our issues began. Today we are much in love and happy but we still hve issues and fights... Now here's where I need the advice! Since being married to my husband, I now work for his family's home health agency. At the time my husband was working somewhere else. When I first started I was able to catch on to the office work pretty fast because of past experiences. My husband who is VERY computer smart and just smart in general recently quit his other job and came to work here with me at his family's agency. Since he's started here I kind of feel a little pushed to the back. Before they used to call me for everything and now he's the one they go to for EVERYTHING. At the time he started working here I cut my hours because of school, so I stopped working full time and he began taking my place. He started making more money and getting more task and it just kind of made me feel pushed aside. I guess I'm a competitive person so I became angry and filled with jealousy. Not that I don't want my husband to succeed, I would just like him to succeed somewhere else. I just felt like he was taking over. They would assign him all the big tasks and I would get stuck in the filing room filing papers. It became a major issue when I found out how much more money he was making than me. He and other people hve said it's our money together so why sweat it, but I don't feel that way. I kind of feel like my husband hides money from me or that he doesn't tell me everything. My checks hve become lesser and I just feel useless. I'm also worried that since he's getting all the tasks they won't need me to work anymore. I don't want to feel like the only reason I'm working is because it's my husband's family. This has caused many and BIG fights between my husband and I. Every time we argue my husband has a way with words that just makes me 10x smaller. He has a HUGE ego and sometimes comes off as a know it all. In a recent argument I made a comment that he needed to start filing his own papers and he blew up by saying "And what do you do?" and started listing all these major tasks that he does and made me feel like I had nothing better to do than just file papers. Is it me? Am I overreacting?? HELP! Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 You married him after a month of knowing him, married him so he could become a citizen, and married him during the honeymoon phase of a relationship.... I think whether you feel pushed out of the office is the LEAST of your problems. Link to comment
sweetheart91 Posted March 9, 2012 Author Share Posted March 9, 2012 some people marry after years of knowing each other and still end up divorced so how long we've known each other isn't really my issue. We're married and in love despite how long we've known each other. Any advice towards the insecurities we hve now??? Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 some people marry after years of knowing each other and still end up divorced so how long we've known each other isn't really my issue. We're married and in love despite how long we've known each other. Any advice towards the insecurities we hve now??? Yes, I'm aware of that. My husband and I got married relatively early ourselves - the point being is no were in your OP did you say you married him for love or that you were falling in love, you married him so he could gain citizenship. What you fail to see sweetheart is how long you've been togethr IS your issue and part of your insecurities. If you had remained a couple (not married) until after the hooneymoon phase of your relationship ended you could have seen how you both deal with problems and how you interact together with those problems. So yes, how long you've been together is a huge factor in your insecurities and how you percieve him now. Link to comment
sweetheart91 Posted March 9, 2012 Author Share Posted March 9, 2012 Ok honestly in the beginning I wasn't in love. I was attracted, but not in love. But something in me just wanted to help. No I did not initially marry him based off of being in love but along the way I did fall in love. He is a great man honestly and I know that he loves me very much! He is part of the reason why I've progressed so much these past 6 months. In the beginning I wanted us to date for a while, but unfortunately and fortunately things happened the way they did. So now that I know the underlying issue is the time frame we've known each other, how do I get past that? Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 You communicate to each other and hope you can still make it through the hard times. Link to comment
sweetheart91 Posted March 9, 2012 Author Share Posted March 9, 2012 Thank you for the advice. If you don't mind me asking, how long did you know your husband before getting married? Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 A year and eight months but we were engaged shortly after we met in person at four months - we are LD Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 15, 2012 Share Posted March 15, 2012 Why don't you get a job outside your husbands' familys' health agency. You have the experience, and if the new employer asks why you left, you simply say --- too much time together!! Which is true. You are never going to come before him in his familys' company. Link to comment
Circe Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 OG's right - a lot of your issues stem from getting married within a month of knowing each other. If you'd waited longer it's more likely that you'd know that he speaks to you in a derogatory put-down know-it-all way and that the dynamic between the two of you is to have big fights over conflicts about relatively minor things rather than to communicate in a healthy fashion. If you'd waited to learn these things you might not have gotten married. As for what you can do - I agree that you should find another job if you are unhappy with the present one. Anyone is entitled to work anywhere that will hire them and if his skills are higher than yours and he is more talented in the area than you are - he's going to succeed over you. If you don't like it you should work elsewhere. What other scenario is fair? "I was here first" doesn't work in this situation. Link to comment
Snny Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 A spouse who only wants to marry you for citizenship and hides money from you are really bad signs in a marriage. I'm marrying a non-US citizen, but we aren't doing it for him to have citizenship. I don't have any huge advice on you for this other than seek a marriage counselor or divorce him. It sounds like he is using you. Link to comment
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