Feeling Odd & Pressured for Sex. Red Flags?

[StarGazer68]

I'm at my wits end with the guy I'm dating. He hasn't done anything wrong that I can really get angry about.....but for some reason I am always feeling sick to my stomach about him and I can't tackle what it is. He makes me feel uncomfortable and that I can't trust him. I can't tell if I'm just being a nutcase! I am very suspicious of him and his motives. I think he is trying to sleep with me and maybe has made it his main goal. We have been official for a month now and only known each other for 2 months. I feel that we still have a lot of getting to know each other even though we have already probably discussed many things that we could possibly think of.

 

What I dislike about him is that he drops little ways to say something naughty or something that could be seen as sexual when we haven't even gotten to that point yet at all except for some making out. He is always trying in many ways to get me to sleep over his place. I have so far slept over three times, but it seems like he is always trying to get me there and only suggests things we can do and restaurants we can go to that are near his place. Our first date he had even asked me if I wanted to sleep over!

 

I have a bit of a commute to see him and he hasn't yet suggested coming out to my neck of the woods to do something. He doesn't really ever suggest getting dinner anymore or going to the movies or doing anything that doesn't involve drinking. We probably see each other 2-3 times a week and the time we are apart, he doesn't call me much and certainly not everyday which I'm not used to from a boyfriend. I am used to getting a call to say goodnight or something. He actually has a job where he has a lot of time on his hands and a lot of days off and often he is at his place by himself and even says so in his texts. And yet, he still texts me rather than calls me. I find it odd. Sometimes, I'll text him goodnight and not hear from him which I find odd from a person who I've seen is very diligent about responding to his texts from friends. He is a phone checker.

 

Then there are many days where he sends me texts about how he is thinking about how amazing, beautiful, etc. I am and just flattering me a lot and how he feels so happy to have me. I don't know why it feels so cheesy and fake to me, but it does.

 

In fact, he has stopped asking me questions through text trying to get to know me like he did in the first two weeks we were official and now our texts are so flat and boring. It's like he sort of stopped finding me interesting. We just ask each other what we're doing and that's about it. We don't really even tell each other everything we do during the whole day which is another thing I don't enjoy because I like knowing what my man is doing throughout the day and with him, I have no idea at times and find out he went someplace on some night and I had no idea. It's not that I want to keep tabs on him but I feel weird that we don't talk enough cause that to me is a sign that we don't talk enough. This is of course not really that big of a deal just something I noticed.

 

I somehow feel pressured without him actually doing much, but the small things he says make me feel uncomfortable when I still just want to get to know him mentally. He asked me to shower with him one day and I declined and that whole event made me upset, but I didn't say anything to him about it because I just felt too awkward. That wasn't the first time he mentioned showering together though. He seems to think I am a prude and wondered if I'm inexperienced from things he has said and asked me. I am not at all inexperienced but I have only slept with people I've loved after waiting a while. He said he has never met a female who respects herself like I do to not have sex soon.

 

I almost feel bad for being myself and not being in a place where I want to have sex or do anything too sexual with him because I like to know the person, trust the person, and actually be in love with the person. That's just who I am. I have explained already that I want to take things slow and he agreed and liked the idea. I want to make-out but every time we do I get nervous he is getting the wrong idea about where it's going so now I don't even want to make-out anymore for fear I'll have to slap or move his hands away and I don't want to have to do that. I feel like I've got a horn dog on my hands and I almost feel that maybe I should just break up with him and let him go find someone to have sex with cause I don't want to keep unconsciously taunting and teasing him just for abiding by my values.

 

I feel terrible too because he seems to be stifling who he really is I guess just to be with me. He is even going so far as to try to be more religious with me because I am quite religious and I feel it's not coming from a place or sincerity but from him trying to impress me and make me like him more which I find selfish rather than wanting to genuinely find his spiritual way for himself. He has never really done the whole wait to have sex thing or take it slow thing. He seems to be trying to change for me which will probably just backfire in the long run cause I've learned boys changing for a girl and putting on a front/act never works out cause they like it at first but then they get over it, return to old ways and just somehow resent you. I'm afraid we might just be too different on our approach to sex and relationships. I don't think this guy could hold out for six months of no sex haha.

 

I would appreciate advice ENAers thank you.

[VortexGal]

Get rid of him! He's making you feel uncomfortable, so the relationship wouldn't be able to get any deeper anyway since you have anxiety. Find someone who isn't a douche and seems overly sleazy, cause this guy is!

[sara-pezzini]

you don't sound in love with him....so why exclusive already? if you feel he is doing this much wrong and you don't have the butterflies, want to touch him and see him, excited feeling of the first stage, then i feel it will not work out anyway....the whole message just screams negativity about him and not love or in love feelings, so i don't get the whole exclusive thing....

[Blue Spiral]

If he just wanted sex, I don't think he would've lasted two months, unless he has limited options. It sounds more like a fixation, to me.

[Batya33]

I think you're mistaking discussing "everything" in a short period of time from getting to know someone over a longer period of time which at least to me is far more important. I would also get uncomfortable vibes from someone who was behaving this way. I would give him one more chance -i.e. the next time he suggests a place near his place, suggest an alternative "for a change why don't we_____" and tell him you can't stay over because you have something to do in the morning. Also I would limit texting to a minimum because it's not a great way to get to know a new person in your life.

[StarGazer68]

If he just wanted sex, I don't think he would've lasted two months, unless he has limited options. It sounds more like a fixation, to me.

 

I feel silly asking but what do you mean by fixation? Well, in the past two months we have only seen each other maybe ten times though in total. Like ten dates. We haven't seen each other enough.

[Madison12]

Hold on a second. I don't think this guy sounds sleazy. I think they are simply mismatched. I am also very sexual and the idea of waiting more than a month to have sex with someone I'm dating probably just wouldn't fly with me, and that doesn't make me a ho or sleazy - I just like to know if we are compatible in that way. There is nothing wrong with his finding you attractive and wanting to have sex with you - that makes him MALE.

 

My advice would be to find someone like yourself who is religious and doesn't want to have sex for a while. I think you are right.

[StarGazer68]

I think you're mistaking discussing "everything" in a short period of time from getting to know someone over a longer period of time which at least to me is far more important. I would also get uncomfortable vibes from someone who was behaving this way. I would give him one more chance -i.e. the next time he suggests a place near his place, suggest an alternative "for a change why don't we_____" and tell him you can't stay over because you have something to do in the morning. Also I would limit texting to a minimum because it's not a great way to get to know a new person in your life.

 

I have limited the texting and we still haven't moved on to long phone chats or anything to get to know each other. We don't really talk anymore about deep things like we first did when we would see each other. It's like we have hardly much to talk about anymore. I actually already did just what you suggested when he suggested a place near his place and he seemed ok with it and met up with me somewhere else, but he seemed a bit weird for awhile at first until we went to get some drinks...and I have already done the whole I can't stay over cause I have something in the morning and he was fine with it too but he did ask me at least three times if I was sure and kind of kept saying he was thinking of me and getting more sleep rather than commuting home.

[Blue Spiral]

I feel silly asking but what do you mean by fixation? Well, in the past two months we have only seen each other maybe ten times though in total. Like ten dates. We haven't seen each other enough.

 

I was thinking about all the flattery he's giving you: if he barely knows you, and yet he's showering you with compliments, he's basically praising the version of you that he sees/imagines.

 

Granted, that's a seduction trick, as well, but I don't think a player would invest that much time in a non-responsive woman. Though his apparently declining interest may be a sign that he really was a player after all, and he's focusing on other women now.

 

I agree with Madison: you need to find someone more like you. But you need to be aware that men generally value sex, and that adults tend to have sex quickly, as there's no logical reason not to. Don't be too shocked if you have trouble finding someone more your speed.

[agent1607307371]

There's nothing wrong with wanting to have sex with someone, but

but for some reason I am always feeling sick to my stomach about him

is not a good reaction to be having to someone when you should still be in the giddy stage. I think maybe you really need to think about whether you want to be with him.

[StarGazer68]

That's what I thought actually is that the compliments were either coming from an infatuation with the idea of me or that it was a trick to impress/seduce me. I do think his interest seems to be waning more cause it seems different than it did the first two weeks we became an item. I have actually been wondering that he may be cheating on me and sleeping with women.

[Batya33]

"But you need to be aware that men generally value sex, and that adults tend to have sex quickly, as there's no logical reason not to. Don't be too shocked if you have trouble finding someone more your speed."

 

The men I was seriously involved with over a period of about 18 years, including my husband (before I started dating my husband in our late 30s) all valued sex very highly but reacted to that desire by prioritizing -for emotional and also health reasons -getting to know each other over a period of months (or until I was comfortable typically -which was not a problem for them at all) rather than having sex quickly. I never had sex quickly, never had issues meeting men who were more than ok with that. The minority of men who were not ok with it -not a problem either since we "quickly" realized that it wasn't going to work out. No hard feelings.

 

Valuing sex highly doesn't mean having sex quickly especially where there's a competing value of wanting to wait for the benefit of the long run (not all people see it this way but many do). I value dessert highly but I'm an adult and so I balance the risk of having too much dessert, or having it before a meal, against gratifying my desire for dessert.

[StarGazer68]

Thank you for writing this and sharing this because I was actually starting to think I was crazy. I have met a few guys who weren't all about sex too soon and one relationship I had, we waited seven months and that was his idea when I wanted to move faster!

 

My boyfriend seems to be telling me he wants to wait till he is in love but I'm not too sure. I keep trying to figure him out and whether he means what he says about wanting and liking to go slow, waiting for sex until feeling in love, etc....I am trying to figure out if he really is prioritizing like you say or if he is just pretending to.

[StarGazer68]

you don't sound in love with him....so why exclusive already? if you feel he is doing this much wrong and you don't have the butterflies, want to touch him and see him, excited feeling of the first stage, then i feel it will not work out anyway....the whole message just screams negativity about him and not love or in love feelings, so i don't get the whole exclusive thing....

 

I don't think I need to be in love to be exclusive. It was his idea actually though and not mine. I would have rather waited longer and maybe even started off just hanging out in groups as friends, but when he asked me I somehow felt inclined to say yes but then felt it was too fast after thinking it over. He went after me like a bull lol. I do want to touch him, I do get some kind of nerves, but I think that after my last relationship, I have taught myself to stifle and stop those things from happening to me because I think it's all b.s. I'm trying to be more present rather than in the clouds so I really know what I'm getting into rather than just riding on a magic carpet. I did have excited feelings, but they have went away these past two weeks because we don't talk enough. I feel we just aren't communicating enough so I am forgetting how I feel around him when we only text a little bit and don't do many phone calls at all so I only remember once I see him again or talk to him again that he actually makes me feel nervous and excited.

[Blue Spiral]

The men I was seriously involved with over a period of about 18 years, including my husband (before I started dating my husband in our late 30s) all valued sex very highly but reacted to that desire by prioritizing -for emotional and also health reasons -getting to know each other over a period of months (or until I was comfortable typically -which was not a problem for them at all) rather than having sex quickly. I never had sex quickly, never had issues meeting men who were more than ok with that. The minority of men who were not ok with it -not a problem either since we "quickly" realized that it wasn't going to work out. No hard feelings.

 

I absolutely believe you, but I don't think this is the norm. For every instance of "I made him wait a long time for sex and he was OK with it", I can think of a dozen more instances of "I made him wait and he ditched me", both in terms of ENA anecdotes and offline experience. I'm guessing you were attractive enough to get away with it.

 

If a man or woman has enough "value", they can dictate terms. They tend to give advice like "Well, everything worked out just great for me, so I don't know why you're having problems." For those of us who don't have people competing for us, we have to be a little more considerate of what the other gender needs.

[FathomFear]

There's nothing wrong with wanting to have sex with someone, but is not a good reaction to be having to someone when you should still be in the giddy stage. I think maybe you really need to think about whether you want to be with him.

 

To be honest, I think the better question is whether the OP believes she would have this suspicion with anyone--or if it's actually legitimately tied to this guy in particular. Before kicking him to the curb I'd be apt to explore that question, otherwise she might have regrets if the same thing happens again with a completely different person.

[StarGazer68]

To be honest, I think the better question is whether the OP believes she would have this suspicion with anyone--or if it's actually legitimately tied to this guy in particular. Before kicking him to the curb I'd be apt to explore that question, otherwise she might have regrets if the same thing happens again with a completely different person.

 

 

You're right and I have been trying to figure that out. I honestly have a hard time answering it because I have dated many guys who just wanted to have sex and very soon after a date or two. I had sneaking suspicions that they did and turned out to be right. The first few guys I dated after my long relationship ended, I was naive about and realized they were after sex only once someone told me even though it was beyond glaringly obvious. Then I got smarter and realized faster if a guy was after sex only.

 

And my boyfriend now has a lot of the signs and symptoms of a guy looking for sex fast because I guess I might be comparing him to those guys and what I have learned, witnessed and experienced from those sleazebags.

 

So, I don't know if it's that I feel this way about this guy in particular because I've felt this way about other guys also and it turned out they were a disappointment, after sex and real jerks.

[Jim Wormold]

I am with Madison and Blue Spiral. She needs to find someone from her church or wherever

it is she goes. Sadly I think religion makes sex to be sleazy when it can be quite a normal part of being

human and alive- if there is respect and love involved of course. In reality young christians do it anyway,

but then feel the guilt. I opted out of that belief at 16.

 

Further, from reading StarGazer's post I have quoted above, I would also wonder whether she has problems

with intimacy and trust with men in general. As is echoed in FathomFear's post. That may be an issue for therapy.

Sounds like she has been really hurt in the past and has frozen up to some extent because of it.

 

He may have his faults with communication and first date expectations, heck he may even be "sleazy" (which I doubt)

but very religious people have completely different rules, outlooks/values and customs. His becoming

more distant may just be the realisation of that. For her to feel sick to the stomach also says she is feeling incompatible too.

And worse of course.

 

I hope StarGazer finds the kind of man she seeks. Whether someone who is religious is necessarily

going to be respectful (especially towards women by the way), is something I would adamantly question - speaking

from recent family experiences (all that bullying and meanness in the name of "caring"). Because of my family background

I just know that I could not get involved with anyone who is religious. No way. Different world.

[Batya33]

I absolutely believe you, but I don't think this is the norm. For every instance of "I made him wait a long time for sex and he was OK with it", I can think of a dozen more instances of "I made him wait and he ditched me", both in terms of ENA anecdotes and offline experience. I'm guessing you were attractive enough to get away with it.

 

If a man or woman has enough "value", they can dictate terms. They tend to give advice like "Well, everything worked out just great for me, so I don't know why you're having problems." For those of us who don't have people competing for us, we have to be a little more considerate of what the other gender needs.

 

I was very considerate and vice versa. I never had many men competing for me - I did seek out men with values similar to mine. I "made" someone wait once (my first) - obviously he could have walked away but chose not to- the rest, we were on the same page on it.

 

I think it's a very bad idea to have sex because you feel the pickings are slim unless you give in. People need to know their worth and stick to their values if they want a long term relationship.

[scklbad]

I'm at my wits end with the guy I'm dating. He hasn't done anything wrong that I can really get angry about.....but for some reason I am always feeling sick to my stomach about him and I can't tackle what it is. He makes me feel uncomfortable and that I can't trust him. I can't tell if I'm just being a nutcase! I am very suspicious of him and his motives.

 

i'd suggest psychotherapy...........