Do I give up my child?

[Sillygoose3116]

I am really stuck here, and I need some insight.

 

I don't want to make this a huge long story, but I am stuck and I am not sure what to do about the situation I am in. I have a little boy who is a little over a year. I went through my pregnancy alone, because the father turned out to be an abuse person, both physically and emotionally so I left him. Once I left he vanished, and I have not heard from him since then. ( By the way I should mention this was NOT a planned pregnancy.)

 

During my pregnancy I had very mixed emotions about my pregnancy, I was happy to some degree because I had been told before I was not going to be able to have children, but at the same time I was not ready to have a child when I was pregnant. I was going to school to obtain my degree and I was used to the life I had. No worries, no responsibilities.

I don't believe in abortion, but during my pregancy I considered giving him for adoption because I simply felt I was not ready. Somehow, I went through the pregnancy, I took very good care of myself and he was born healthy.

 

I had a hard time adjusting to the baby, while I was on maternity leave I felt trapped when I was at home. I missed having the free time I used to have, having to wake up to feed the baby, and everything that involved being with the baby. I was living with my parents at the time, because they had felt it was going to be best thing since I was going to need help. They were a huge help, and they cared a lot for the baby but I felt like I had no attachment to this baby. I mean, yes I carried him and I did not want anything bad to happen to him but quite frankly I did not feel the attachment I would see with other mothers.

 

I stayed home for four months and then I returned to work. When Iwent back it was such a sense of relief to go back to my routine, no crying babies or any of that stuff.

 

I was glad to be back in the swing of things that I knew. When I was at work, I was happy and I felt like myself. I dreaded the through of going home, having to care for this baby and everything that had to do with him.

 

Like I said, I cared about the baby, I didn't want anything bad to happen to him, but I couldn't help the feeling that this child was not meant for me. As crazy as it sounds that's how I felt. Perhaps, some of you are thinking why didn't you give him up then? I didn't because I felt at some time that I was somehow going to be able to do this.

I kept going to work, and dreading going home. I was always depressed when I was at home, but only when I was at home. My parents and sister were the ones who took care of the baby more than me.

After six months of this I moved away to another state, because I was sick of where I was. I should point out this was something I had been planning on before the baby was born, and getting pregnant and having the child offset my plans from before.

 

I knew I had to get away to figure things out, and decide once and for all what I wanted for me and for the baby.

I moved away, and I was visiting ever two months. Yes, I missed the baby but not in the way I mother should miss her child. I keep hearing about the fact that mothers practically feel depressed when they are away from their children but I felt a huge sense of relief. I could focus on what I wanted and do what I wanted.

Since I moved away he has been in the care of my parents, who adore this child.

 

I attempted to bring him out here to live with me and my boyfriend ( who by the way loves children, and wants to raise mine like his own) about 3 weeks ago and it was a total failure. I felt I was ready for this, I felt I wanted to be his mother. However, having him here even for the short amount of time that I did all the feelings of depression came back. All I wanted was to get away, and I needed to go to work or I'd get fired so I took him back to my parents.

 

Ever since then, my mother and I have talked about it and she wants to know what I want to do. DO I want this child (meaning do I want to raise him) or if I don't want him. My parents are more than willing to adopt him and raise him and be able to give him all the things he deserves. He loves my parents, being with them and he is happy there. My mom says she just wants what is best for the baby.

So here I am stuck not sure of what I want. On the one hand, I am his mother so to speak, and I know it is my responsibility but I do not feel I am ready for this. I wish I could say I have no doubts, all I want is my child but sadly it is not the case. I'd be lying if I said that. I know I want more things in life.

 

My parents feel the best thing for me would be to move back so that they could help raise the baby, but the idea of that depresses me. I am completely happy where I am. I love the people here, I have a great job I love, and the environment here is much better for everything. I am truly happy here.

 

When I think about all the things I would give up to have the baby here, I feel sad. It doesn't bring me joy at all, and I know it sounds selfish but it is the truth.

I know every child deserves their mother, and I know one thing I do not want to make the baby suffer. I do not want to bring him here, and make him feel like is a bother to me. Babies can feel what we feel and I do not want him growing up feeling like is a bother.

 

A part of me feels like I want to be him mom and another part of me feels like I want nothing to do with having a baby at all.

I need to decide and I need help!

 

I know I am the one who has to make the decision, but perhaps someone has been in this situation before. Any and all insight is appreciated. All I ask is for respect, I know I am going to seem like a monster to some of you but I am just trying to make the best decision for everyone involved.

[Seraphim]

Let your parents adopt him. It is not fair to take him and drop him off and take him and drop him off. That is SO harsh on his self esteem to be refused by his mother over and over. If you parents adore him let him be raised by people who adore him.

[Batya33]

Question -if your parents raise this child what will be your day to day relationship with the child? It's different of course than if he is adopted out to a family you don't know.

 

Another question -is there a counselor you can talk to or therapist?

And finally would you feel differently if you knew you could not have more biological children (you mentioned you thought you had some fertility related issues).

 

I'm sorry you're going through this - I really do not know the answer but what occurs to me is that sure every child needs loving parents and sometimes maybe being a loving parent means giving the child a better life than you can? I'm not suggesting that is the answer at all, just something to think about. I'm a mom of a 3 year old by the way.

 

Good luck.

[OptomisticGirl]

Have you ever looke into you might have PPD? I know a few women who described why you did with the depression, bonding issues, sense of relief of being away from him and after they got through PPD they were great. Or you could simply just not be able to have that bond and that's okay but in that instance I agree with Vic - let your parents have him.

[Sillygoose3116]

Let your parents adopt him. It is not fair to take him and drop him off and take him and drop him off. That is SO harsh on his self esteem to be refused by his mother over and over. If you parents adore him let him be raised by people who adore him.

 

 

I have not taken him, and dropped him at all. I did this once, and that was because I felt ready to handle the situation and be his mother. I wanted us to be a family, more than anything and believe me having the feelings that I did made me feel like such a failure.

[Seraphim]

Even once is enough though. If you do not feel you can connect to him it is better to let him go to family who can connect with him. It is far better for his emotional health and yours.

[Betteroffalone]

I agree with Victoria66. Let your parents adopt him, only so he can have stable and constant love. But remember, if you let them adopt your baby, it is their baby and he will consider them his parents. It would be an extremely selfish thing to want him back in the future when you feel you're finally ready to be a mother.

[pl3asehelp]

Well I don't think any new parent is ready for the amount of work raising a child requires so that's all completely natural. What's not natural is that you have no attachment to your child. That sounds like post partum depression, which you should go see a therapist for. I agree with your parents that you should move back. Move home and start some therapy. Something has to change because if you don't form an attachment to your child at some point, I think that is going to do permanent damage to him/her.

 

I'd also suggest not dating anyone for a while, at least a year, while you go through therapy and adjust to your new life. Relationships take time and energy and your kid needs everything you have to give right now.

 

I have 2 toddlers and they are all I ever do. It's not fun having no life, but it's what I chose.

[Sillygoose3116]

Question -if your parents raise this child what will be your day to day relationship with the child? It's different of course than if he is adopted out to a family you don't know.

 

Another question -is there a counselor you can talk to or therapist?

And finally would you feel differently if you knew you could not have more biological children (you mentioned you thought you had some fertility related issues).

 

I'm sorry you're going through this - I really do not know the answer but what occurs to me is that sure every child needs loving parents and sometimes maybe being a loving parent means giving the child a better life than you can? I'm not suggesting that is the answer at all, just something to think about. I'm a mom of a 3 year old by the way.

 

Good luck.

 

 

I am not sure what my relationship would be him quite honestly. I mean, I would obviously still see my parents so he would still see him. We have never really discussed this with my parents since I always had the idea I was going to be bringing him to be with me.

 

I don't think I would feel differently if I couldn't have more children. Even know I have no plans for kids in the future.

 

I have spoken to several people about this, and they all say the same thing. I have to be the one to choose, only my heart can tell me what is right. I wish I knew.

[Batya33]

I don't think you should leave this all up to your heart -this involves your child and his best interests. I'd go talk to a counselor if I were you and keep on going until you find a counselor who will facilitate you getting to the root of this.

[Sillygoose3116]

I agree with Victoria66. Let your parents adopt him, only so he can have stable and constant love. But remember, if you let them adopt your baby, it is their baby and he will consider them his parents. It would be an extremely selfish thing to want him back in the future when you feel you're finally ready to be a mother.

 

 

 

I know this is a lifelong decision, and believe me I would not be selfish enough to look for him when he is older. It would not be fair to him, or my parents at all. As I have said I do not want to cause the baby suffering, I do love him I know that much, all I want is the best thing for him.

[Sillygoose3116]

I have been checked for PPD and I am fine on that front. Trust me, I didn't just abandon this baby. I can recognize the signs when it comes to needing help.

[D123R]

I also think you should let your parents adopt him. It would actually be the most caring thing you could do for your child at this point. You know that you are not ready to raise him, and you said that you don't want your child to grow up feeling like a bother. So, out of the only thing you can do to ensure he is happy, I think the best thing you can do for the baby is to let your parents adopt him. When he is much older, if you stay in his life i'm sure he will understand that you were doing what you felt would make him happiest. I think you already know what the best thing to do would be, and you know what you want to do. It seems like you just feel guilty/feel bad or irresponsible. In my opinion though, it would be more responsible and caring for you to let your parents adopt the baby.

[pl3asehelp]

I have been checked for PPD and I am fine on that front. Trust me, I didn't just abandon this baby. I can recognize the signs when it comes to needing help.

 

You said the idea of raising your baby depresses you - that's post partum depression.

[Sillygoose3116]

I have a great man by my side, who has been there for me the whole time. He wants to raise this child like his own, and he has put in the hard work to show he is ready for that job. He has been great to the baby when he has been together with him, and on some level I even feel he would be a great father to him if he were to be the one raising him. ( Not saying that is going to happen.) I am just stating that he is probably better suited for parenthood than I am.

 

We both feel and know we have a great thing together and we both want a future together. He has given me a lot of advice on this topic, and he feels I should be the one to raise the baby.

 

We are both 28 and we know what we want out of life. To be together, build a life together whether that includes children or not. He accepts me even I were to for sure decide I did not want more babies, which is kind of where I am now.

 

Until recently, the plan was to be a family and raise this baby together as if he was the real father.

[Seraphim]

You said the idea of raising your baby depresses you - that's post partum depression.

 

Not always. Not all people want or are meant to be mothers and I think that is more what she is talking about than depression. She WANTS to feel maternal but doesn't. She said she loves him but does not feel all maternal mushy. She loves her life as it was.

[superfan]

I am not a doctor or psychiatrist, but it does sound like Post Partum Depression. I think that if you truly want the best for the child, then you need to ask yourself what YOU are willing to do in order to make that happen. Are you willing to see a counsellor to sort through the PPD? Are you willing to move back or to bring the child to where you are?

 

Or, are you willing to give the child up to your parents to raise and take on a peripheral role in his life like an aunt they see every so often? If this is what you think is better for the child's well being then it might be the right thing to do.

 

Even if it isn't PPD, it might just be that you are not the type of person who wants kids. I don't think I am either. I am 29 and eventually my husband and I are going to have to decide if we want to have children. Any time I have spent with nephews and nieces, I have always been thrilled to get home where I had no kids and peace of mind, but maybe that will change if I have a child? I don't know.

 

Right now though his welfare needs to be your #1 priority.

[pl3asehelp]

Not always. Not all people want or are meant to be mothers and I think that is more what she is talking about than depression. She WANTS to feel maternal but doesn't. She said she loves him but does not feel all maternal mushy. She loves her life as it was.

 

Sounds exactly like most of the women in my wife's post partum support group.

[Sillygoose3116]

It is, which is why I am trying to make sure I make the right decision for everyone.

[avman]

I would definitely recommend some counseling before you make a final decision. This is something that takes some really heavy reflecting and looking into your heart, your situation, and the best interest of your child. It is a difficult decision no matter what the outcome. And there are positives and negatives of each choice. If ultimately you feel you just can't parent him, then I do think adoption is the best choice. But you must make this decision yourself.

[Sillygoose3116]

Not always. Not all people want or are meant to be mothers and I think that is more what she is talking about than depression. She WANTS to feel maternal but doesn't. She said she loves him but does not feel all maternal mushy. She loves her life as it was.

 

Exactly. I would love nothing more than to be super mom, to be able to be like other mothers who gush about their children 24/7.

[DN]

If you do decide to allow your parents to adopt him then you should only do so if you are prepared to give up all rights as a mother for good, perhaps any relationship between you would be similar to that between an aunt and nephew. It would not be right to suddenly try to insert yourself back into his life as his mother but there is probably no need to never see or interact with him.

[Seraphim]

Have you explored it more with a dr? Have you talked to a professional about it? Did you ever feel maternal? It is ok if you are not that kind of woman, because not everyone does, but just make sure your child goes to someone who does feel that and loves him and can connect with him.

[Citlali]

Every child deserves a mother willing to love, care for and make any necessary sacrifices for him or her, not just a mother, any mother. Having a disinterested and detached mother is worse than not having a mother at all. It's not helpful to either one of you to keep him when all you feel is depression and the uncontrollable desire to get away from him. You're not ready for life as a mother and maybe you never will. There's nothing wrong with not wanting that. However, let your child go and let your parents adopt him so that he is happy with people who are his family and love and want him. And maybe that's the only type of relationship you can have with him--contact once in a while during the holidays, for example. I can't expect that with your parents adopting him you'll never have contact with him. But it really sounds like you know what you want--a life without a kid so you can be free to do what you want and need. Don't let a lingerin sense of guilt drive to to keep a child you clearly don't seem ready for. It seems like the best and most responsible thing to do for both you and the baby is to let your parents adopt him.

[Seraphim]

I would explore and think REALLY hard about all of this, but it is better if children are adopted at a very young age. I was a foster parent and my mother still is one. We had one little boy who we raised from the day of his birth until he was finally adopted at three and a half and it was DEVASTATING for him. He was still crying about being adopted more than a year later. If it is what you intend to do, do it relatively soon so there is not huge upheaval in his life at a point where he remembers it.