Moving on from an emotionally abusive relationship....

[Emma8]

OK, so ex ended things 3 months ago. He was 21 and me 31. He was young I know. We were together a year and we really did have some amazing times. Loved each other to bits. BUT he was mean to me. No respect at all. He has a bad upbringing (brother committed suicide years ago, grandad dying etc) but I dont think it was fair the way he treated me. I was always good to him, never cheated on him, did alot for him and loved him so much. Always tried to make things work and make him happy. Below is a list I kept throughout the relationship. Looking back now and reading it, youll think why on earth was you with him!! I loved him, stupid as that sounds. I got attached very quickly and now I am in NC to make sure I dont get drawn into his mind games again. Its the hardest thing ever, as I do miss the nice version of him and the good times we had. Believe it or not there are some great memories, and when he was in a good mood, we got on so well. Talked about marriage, kids, even had the venue and names planned! I think I am disappointed in how it turned out and frustrated at how someone can say you are their world, how much they love you and they will never leave you, then the next be horrible and mean and walkaway. He is still tormenting me, although not as much. I am just going to keep going with the NC, despite how painful it is. Deep down I will always love him, in a way I have never loved anyone before, but he isnt good for me, he ruined me and messed with my head. Thats not right.

 

He doesnt trust me at all

· Hates me on facebook or twitter and gets moody if I have been on it.

· Thinks Im always looking for attention for example when I cry or go on Facebook or talk to his friends.

· Hates it when I talk about blokes, any blokes. Family, friends, husbands of friends, nieghbour, randoms, celebrities.

· Always thinks Im cheating or going to cheat

· Slept in one morning and didn’t hear phone. got accused of sleeping with someone else.

· Looked out of the window when he left to nip to shop. got accused of waiting for him to go to txt or call some bloke.

· Took my son to the pub one evening to go in the playground. got accused of * * * * ing some bloke there.

· If im not quick at replying or responding to call. Im cheating,

· Get accused of talking to men on facebook and iphone apps.

· Checks the history on my laptop

· Gets moody if things don’t go his way

· His opinion is always right.

· Im always wrong and everything is my fault.

· If we argue and I shout or get so upset over his abusive nature, im the pyscho

· Never says thank you or appreciates what I do for him

· Always thinks I being silly and dramatic if I cry or get upset because we are arguing again

· If I don’t put 4 kisses on end of txt, he gets moody with me.

· Always splitting up with me and telling me to * * * * off

· Always threatening to leave and go back on facebook

· Always saying he is too young and wants a life

· Tells me im the ungrateful one

· Makes me feel stupid if I tell a story or joke,

· Doesn’t have any interest in my stories from when I was younger, yet I have to listen to his.

· Call me a sad geek because I like reading

· Always bringing up my past and exes all the time

· Never takes an interest in my hobbies

· Always puts down the tv shows/films I like

· Hates my passion for travelling and will never talk about it

· Hates my music and makes fun

· Hates anything I like

· Wont go to a thai restaurant because I went to thailand once?!

· Always disagrees with me

· Calls me names when angry

· Says I am a slag, * * * * , dirty * * * * * , filthy * * * * * , c*nt

· Says hurtful things to upset me

· Pushes me away at night if he is moody.

· Wont cuddle me and tells me to get off him.

· Tells me to move away from him in bed and even tells me to sleep in spare room

· If I go out or makes plans last min, I get * * * * or he goes in a mood. But he is allowed to do it?

· When things get tough, he will always run back to his dad and give up on us, sending abusive txts

· Emailed a few girls when we argued badly once. asking to meet up with her and telling her she was gorgeous.

· If I even look at another bloke, could even be in the street and Ive not even realised, I get moaned at

· Gets moody if we don’t have sex when he wants because im on period or feel ill.

· Hates me talking about my son in a cute way.

· Hates me missing my son when on holiday or wanting to talk about him.

· Hates my son being my number one

· Always critiscises the way I bring my son up

· Tells me I overreact when in fact it was him who started the argument over nothing.

· Worked hard cleaning the house all day once as his family were coming over and instead of being thankful, he moaned because I didn’t do one thing.

· Always breaks his promises and hurts me.

· Tells me to * * * * off and then moans at me for not replying or ignoring him?!

· Cant win. Anything I say or do is wrong.

· Called me a crap mum, girlfriend and a * * * * person.

· Said he couldn’t stand me and doesn’t want me to be the mother of his child.

· Thought about cheating when we had an argument.

· Tears up photos of us

· When I want to sleep he will turn the light on, play on his phone, open window and pull covers off me

· When I get a txt from him I will always look at the end first for kisses. If no kisses, bad mood.

· Says how great a mum I am and then soon after, how * * * * I am?!

· Is extremely judgemental of places or people

· Told me I am a terrible mum and that my son doesn’t stand a chance.

· Said my son was a horrible child and how no one will accept him.

· Said my son is getting in the way of our plans and making us drift apart.

· Doesn’t understand if I get stressed at work or home and need chill out time

· Being really distant towards the end but still saying he loved me always and wanted to marry me

· Ending it and being really cold and mean.

· Still trying to hurt me by deleting and binning everything.

· Pretending as if I never existed and didn’t mean anything to him.

· Threatened my house, car and my son if I ever went off with anyone else.

· Said he couldn’t be responsible for his actions if I did f*ck someone else.

· Got back the friends on FB I had issues with, the girls he inappropriately emailed when together. Emailed one of them.

· After 2 weeks of ending it, he wanted to meet up saying he missed me. I refused and tried to ignore him for 2 weeks. He begged me to take him back. Txting and calling all the time. Sending me photos, saying lovely things etc Wanting to be with me again.

· I agreed to meet up and we went out for dinner. It was amazing and felt like we could start again. Saying how he couldn’t wait to marry me. How much he had missed me. Next day saying how special it was and that he misses me even more. Then Xmas eve he finished it again, said too much has gone on.

· Didn’t really contact me over xmas and new year - blocked me out again and treated me like a mate. Completely ruined my Xmas. Said he didn’t want to be with me or anyone. Doesn’t know what he wants but knows its not fair to stay with me.

· Breaks his promises, saying he wont call again and will let me move on. Then calls 3 days later and asks how I am etc.

· For 3 months he was up and down. Finding excuses to contact me, passwords, timesheets etc. Always trying to contact me to keep reminding me and hurting me.

· Saying he didn’t want to lose me as a friend.

· Still sends abusive messages accusations and nasty comments.

· Said "it was a shame I had a child"

· Then on 9 Feb 2012 - he said he missed me and will always love me. I told him about the abuse, how he ruined me and hurt me so much. He apologised for everything and knew he was horrible. He hated it. He said he will always love me and that he will never contact me again.

 

The end!!

[Seraphim]

Most boys of 21 are teenagers still and don't make good partners for mature women. Avoid any contact with him. Also it is probably worth exploring why you would have a relationship like this and stay in it before it happens again.

[Emma8]

Thanks I think I stayed because the first 6 months were amazing. We fell for each other completely. He seemed pretty mature for his age and had lots of ambition and goals in life. I am quite young for my age, looks and personality and I think we kinda met in the middle. It was only after I was hooked that things changed and the list started. I always knew in the back of mind it wasnt a healthy relationship, but I stayed thinking it would get better and because I loved him so much. Looking back I really hope I can overcome this and let him go. He still has a hold over me and I cant stop thinking of him, but I have to...

[Seraphim]

Love does not make an abuser better. It really does not. You can not love them better, you can not please them enough, you can not help them enough. There are instances when love is NOT enough and it won't "fix" people. You should not have to "fix" or mother a partner.Have nothing to do with him seriously. My mother spent years thinking she could love someone who was a mentally ill abuser "better". All she did was destroy her life and those of her children. Let him sort out his own issues. Build a good life for you and your son with someone who is a loving partner.

[Emma8]

Thank you for your advice. I am trying to move on and have cut all contact with him on my part. I know we wont ever reconcile, he has made it perfectly clear, but also I dont want to go back to walking on eggshells all the time and feeling so low about myself. Its sad to think I gave him so much for so little in return apart from mental abuse. NOthing was ever good enough. He never believed me and always doubted my love, no matter how hard I tried. It was tiring and emotionally exhausting. When we were good, we were really good, but when it was bad, it was bad....

[Seraphim]

Thank you for your advice. I am trying to move on and have cut all contact with him on my part. I know we wont ever reconcile, he has made it perfectly clear, but also I dont want to go back to walking on eggshells all the time and feeling so low about myself. Its sad to think I gave him so much for so little in return apart from mental abuse. NOthing was ever good enough. He never believed me and always doubted my love, no matter how hard I tried. It was tiring and emotionally exhausting. When we were good, we were really good, but when it was bad, it was bad....

 

That is very typical for an abusive relationship. I am sorry you had to experience it. Look for these signs to make sure you never end up in one again for the sake of your life and your son's life.

[Mephisto13]

I know we wont ever reconcile, he has made it perfectly clear....

 

With a list of crap he did to you THAT long, I think that should read "I know we don't ever reconcile, I have made it perfectly clear."

 

You got out! Congrats! Keep that list close, for whenever you feel weak and think of wanting him back. It'll be enough to boost your resolve.

[Emma8]

Yeah I know youre right!

 

List is always in my bag and by my bed. Plus all the abusive txts etc. I read them when I feel sad. It does remind me of how he was. I just worry that maybe I brought out the worst in him? Or whether he is just like that? What if he isnt like that with his next girlf and treats her great. That will make me feel pretty * * * * . Although....that doesnt matter does it. As long as he isnt doing it to me right? I shouldnt care about other girlfs....hate thinking about him with others. ugh.

[miracle29]

God Emma as I read this I got emotional and wanted to find him and kick him in his balls. you think my situation worse? No way, sounds like we were both drowing. Same story , different cast. I hope you know this has to end. He is never gonna change..sounds like hes getting worse and your self esteem and spirit are also getting worse. Reading this is also helping me STAY AWAY! Look at what we are telling eachother. See how yours said you made him this way and mine said I made him this way but somehow we can see outside of our own situation that that was a lie? Isn't it crazy how I can read your post and I say "oh man she should run and run fast" and you do the same. It means when you are in love you are blinded. I'm not blind to your situation though. I am telling you he is a loser! Hes a sick jerk. he will tell the next girl you were the worst, until she becomes the worst and all of a sudden you were so much better. He will play with her head. He is sick!

[miracle29]

Whoa..I don't know how I missed this. He said your son doesn't stand a chance? I am so angry right now i hope he gets bitten by a snake. he's a jerk. No kid deserves that. Your son is YOUR SON! He is a loser. Emma please find a way to leave and stay gone! My ex hit my cat and I hit his arm to stop him from hitting her again. I really think that and a prayer ended it for good for me. he also told me my daughter didn't know how to eat right and she was spoiled and didn't know why I needed to give her so much affection cause in his culture his family didn't do that. It was "weird to him" . My daughters father said "let him tell me that and i"ll have something for him". lol. I wish my daughters father would have gotten a hold of him because I guarantee he wouldnt talk to him like he talked to me. He also hated that me and my ex husband were so friendly and close. Accusing me of being "too nice" and telling me that i needed to cut that off. Thats my daughters father. Normal people can make a friendship for their child. Omg that more I type the happier I am I left!

[Emma8]

He said awful things about my son, but only to me. I will never forgive him for that. I know it was jealously. He hated not being number 1. Looks like your ex hated this too. I had exactly the same with my son's father. We are good friends, nothing romantic at all now - gross lol! Anyway, he couldnt handle it at all, would rather my son not have a father in his life....

 

My son is lovely, and didnt deserve being talked about in that way. I am a good mum and I dont believe his words, just hurts. He says it because he knows it upsets me. nice.

 

Since I wrote this he has still tried contacting me. Every couple of days a txt, saying I owe to him to reply...hmm really. I did end up txting him back at one point, after he told me how rude i was for not responding, basically I told him to f*ck off with his abuse and leave me alone to get through this. He has still txt since to tell me he has moved out, now living where I park my car for work and also to say how much he loved the way I was. Its been 4 days now of nothing. I know I need to change my number. I have given him till the easter holidays to stop, or I will.

 

Thing is, that despite all this and everything in the list - we do have some amazing memories and I love him to bits. HOW STUPID.

[miracle29]

No you are not stupid. You are a woman who loves. When we love we love hard. We give our all. Some men prey on this. no matter the memory please force yourself to stay away. He is not even guilt tripping you into "you owe it to me to respond". I bet you my whole salary if it was him who dumped you..and you pulled the "u owe it to me" hed still ignore you. Hes got manipulation down....thats for sure.