Best friend's mom has cancer...should she come home?

[ariesgirl]

Hi all:

I am coming to this forum to get an opinion from people who might give me some insight. My best friend is in her late 20's and her mother has been diagnosed with a cancer that has already spread to other areas of her body. It is an aggressive type and she will be in chemo for about 7 months. She told her two kids about a month ago, and myself and her other best friend found out about 2 weeks ago.

About 8 months ago my best friend moved to the other side of the country. She wanted a change, and was looking to get into a new field. As of now she is doing a job that has nothing to do with what she moved out there for. She is living with girls that she moved from here with, but those are her only friends. She has not met anyone new, and isn't exactly thrilled with her experience out there.

We have grown up together and her mother was a very involved mother who has done more then a lot for her. When I first heard the news, I figured that she would move back home in order to take care of her mother. Specifically because of her situation in the place she has moved and the fact that she could move back and instantly get her new job back where she would be making double the money. (she is struggling financially where she moved.)

About 3 days ago her mom went under her first chemo treatment. I talked to her the day before and she seemed pretty non-chalant. As if she was in no rush to move home, let alone visit. I asked her when she was coming and she said that she just has things that she needs to take care of where she is. When I asked what she barely had any answer. Then she told me that she doesn't miss home at all. I didn't want to scare her and tell her how serious the cancer is but I was just in general puzzled by her reaction. The few people that know are really shocked/surprised that she is staying out there. So I talked to our other best friend and asked her if she thought she was going to come home. She said that she really didn't think she would come home for more then a week. She then asked her herself what her plan was and she said that her mom was going to be sick anyway for the next while and that there's no rush to get home. I am really surprised for her reaction. Specifically from the fact that a close family friend of her moms died of the same cancer. I went to see her mom the day after the treatment and she looked really bad and said she was sick. It really broke my heart. I don't want her to regret not being there, but I also want to support her. Does anyone have any advice?

[DN]

I think you should accept any decision she makes. She already has all the information she needs and it is her decision to make.

[ariesgirl]

Of course I'm going to accept any decision she makes. I just have experience with another close friend who was there for the care/and eventual death of cancer and she said if she wasn't there she woudl have regretted it forever. Right now she is removed, and hasn't seen the way her mother looks, so I think she doesn't firmly grasp it. As a sister to me, I just want her to really be educated in that decision because she doesn't really have all the information.

[annie24]

Just based on what you told us, this was a big step for her to move out there, and now that she is sort of getting settled in, maybe the prospect of moving back home after that struggle might be too much for her. It is true, cancer takes a while so she could very well be alive for the next few years. Maybe she is also in denial about the seriousness of her mom's illness. but as DN says, this is her decision to make.

[ariesgirl]

Thanks so much Annie. Maybe I didn't post my question properly. I'm not try to force her to make a decision, nor am I trying to pressure her. I can tell that she doesn't really understand it and is really in denial. If she were fully informed (or maybe has come home in the past 2 months since she's diagosed and then chose to go back that would be different.) I'm just saying that she should just try to make one single trip to see her. I guess what I'm saying is there anything I should tell her or say to her to make her think a little bit to come to her own decision. She has told me a number of times that she's overwhelmed. We are like sisters, but I don't really know the right thing to say.

[agent1607307371]

I didn't want to scare her and tell her how serious the cancer is

 

Are you a health care professional with direct knowledge of her mothers case? If you are, you're legally prevented from doing that, and if you're not, you can't assume to have more knowledge than she does.

[happyfrank]

Respect her decision. She will do the right thing to do by herself. As her sister/friend the best thing you can do is cheer her up and don't mention the c word unless she wants to talk about it. Good luck to you.

[ariesgirl]

No I'm not a health care professional but yes I do have direct knowledge of her case and her chances as her mother has told me every detail of her prognosis and her treatment. I've talked with her mom for hours about this. She is purposely sheidling how serious it is to her daughter as not to upset her. I never once posted I had more knowledge then her. And I don't talk about legality when dealing with my best friend. What a strange response.

 

 

Thanks frank! That's exactly what I'm going to do!

[DN]

I think you should suggest to her mother that she be honest with her daughter about how serious this is but in the same way as with her daughter, she must make and be responsible for her own decisions.

[ariesgirl]

I am going to suggest that and then be supportive either way. Thanks DN.

[agent1607307371]

She is purposely sheidling how serious it is to her daughter as not to upset her. I never once posted I had more knowledge then her.

 

By saying you wanted to tell her how serious it is, you implied it and then you confirmed it.

 

You have to speak to her Mum. She has her reasons for shielding her daughter, but I don't think its your place to be giving her that info.

 

ETA: I'm sorry you've been put in this position though, it's not an easy place to be.

[ariesgirl]

Agent what is your point of retyping what I write and then trying to prove yourself right. I hope you are never in a position such as this. And I really hope that you don't talk legality to people who's family members are dying.

[livelarge]

Some people can't stand to be around sick people (even more so if it is someone they love.) They just can't do it. And if they feel it's going to lead to death, they will live in denial for as long as they can (maybe an eternity). My uncle hasn't been to see my Grandmother in the home for over 5 years. He just flat out refuses and he's her favorite son. Will he regret it? Who knows, that's his choice and his problem.

 

And some mothers are overly protective of their children. My own mother didn't tell me she was in the ICU for a whole day. She thought they'd run a few tests and let her out. She was there for 5 weeks. Some mothers put on a brave face because they don't want their problems to be their children's problems.

 

All you can do is say something like, "If my mom was this sick, I would want to be there with her."

 

You are in a hard spot, but don't let it eat away at you. You can't make people do what you think is right. They have to make that decision themselves.

[agent1607307371]

ariesgirl - I work in a hospital. I have known things and been unable to share them. That's why I asked.

[toby17]

Agent what is your point of retyping what I write and then trying to prove yourself right. I hope you are never in a position such as this.

 

You said the daughter doesnt know how serious the situation but you do - therefore you implied that you know more about the situation than your best friend.

[toby17]

I have been in the same position as your bf and, if it were me, I'd want someone to tell me what the real deal is, and as long as you're not breaking the law, I'm all for you telling your bf the truth.

 

Unlike your bf I would definitely visit but I wouldn't move back. You dont know what's going on with your bf, maybe she has things to sort and visiting isn't as easy as you think, maybe she doesn't have the money or maybe you came on too strong and she doesn't want to explain herself.

 

But at the end of the day ariesgirl, it's not your mother.

[Silverbirch]

I think this young woman sounds like she is in denial of the seriousness of her mother's illness, and that's not uncommon.

 

You must feel in a really tough place atm. If it was me, any decision I would make with regard to what to tell this girl would be based more on what the mother wants. I was diagnosed in December with cancer and had surgery which is believed to have been very successful. I didn't need chemo fortunately, but before I found out that, I knew I didn't want my family or partner to see me when I would be at my most physically unattractive - I don't even like to be seen when I'm having a bad hair day - let alone a no hair day. When I was in hospital, I let my son believe I had kidney stones because I didn't want him to be sad for any longer than he need be.

 

I also lost a parent to cancer and that was devastating. I also lived interstate, and whilst I spent as much time as I could with my father in the year before he died, due to family law at that time, I was unable to move back home to my parents. Even though my life wasn't good away from my home state at that time, even if I hadn't been bound by law not to move back, I'm not a hundred per cent certain what my decision would have been. There might be things that the young woman doesn't want to tell anyone.

 

Either way, I guess if it was me in your shoes but if I had the advantage of not feeling emotionally tied to the situation - which most people in your situation would justifiably feel, I would give it a little more time also before making a decision whether to say any more to the young woman.

 

Good luck with all of that. I'm sure you're trying to do the right thing by everyone.