Girlfriend has a very close male friend, situation got worse

[the iguana]

Ok, first off, i 've been going out with this girl for sometime (a year). For about a year and a bit longer than that, she's been talking to one of my good male friends. Nothing wrong there. But early on when i first asked her out, he tried to one up me, and asked her out that same week. She declined.

 

He calls her alot. In fact, she calls him. But she never calls me , saying its my boyfriend-ly duty to do so. So i tend to never call either.

 

Online, i know they email each other, and IM way into the night, even when i go to bed , and get up like two hours later to go bathroom, they're still on (probably talking) I get up early mornings (8-10am, while they get up around 12-1) Our schedules are all different.

 

Oddly, she told me only several months into dating that , yes, he has a crush on her, but she won't have anything to do with him.

 

Then her 21st birthday started coming up. So he and i planned to have a drinking party over his apartment, and she and i would come up along with other people and maybe crash there that night.

 

Three days before that occurs, she cancels out, declines his invitation and tells me 'she would rather not do anything to celebrate her birthday, she didn't want people to know about it' . So i said 'ok, just let me know what you want to do, if you do want to, and where you want to go' Her reasoning was that 'she did not want to be in the same place with her/my friend, she doesn't like him' The friend decided instead to go to Maine for the weekend.

 

The day of her birthday, she generally did nothing, no plans with me, and seemed rather upset at me anyway. When i called to wish a happy birthday, she seemed preoccupied, and let me go so she could take a shower (at 7pm?)

 

Later that night, i get an IM saying 'he, and some others are coming over and we're going out, you're invited' Apparently, he had come home early and headed straight to her dorm.

 

of course, at this time it was getting late, and my schedule didn't permit me staying out late. So i was angry and said 'so now you change the script without me!' That night i had trouble sleeping.

 

the next day, i angrily go after work to her dorm, she told me that they, and some friends they met up with had went to a bar and a few of them gotten drunk. She said she was horribly drunk, and our 'friend' was pretty sloshed himself. They ended the bar thing at around 2am, and since her roommate was out for the weekend, he slept in the same dorm room with her, in a locked room. She said they did nothing, but talk and go in and out of sleep till he got up the next morning and left. But i'm still quite skeptical as he gets 'risque' when he's drunk. Anything could have happened. And this is a girl who pushed me out of her house when i got sleepy because her parents don't allow men to sleep over (i don't blame them)

 

So now that i've vented, what should i think? I was angry for the past several days after her birthday and was terminally close to dumping her right there, because of several things:

 

a) she made plans out of the blue that i couldn't get to. isn't it typical that a girl plans everything with her boyfriend? am i the unlucky one? this isn't the first time i brought that up about her.

 

b) she slept in a closed room with another guy (she claims different bed). and i've never slept with her, not on my shift. Theres a curfew at her dorm for 1am that boys have to be out. I always got shoved out right before it.

 

c) she wanted to avoid doing things with him, and in the end I, the boyfriend, gets screwd over!

 

d) she's camera shy, i don't have a picture of her and me together, she refuses to have pictures taken and that night she said she posed with him at the bar for several pictures (intoxicated of course)

 

 

Im steaming. What do you think? Am i being ridiculous?

 

 

[guy40az]

The only thing ridiculous about this is what they are doing. With male friends like that you really don't need any enemies. Your friend first off should have the respect for you to leave her alone and she obviously wants to have everything to do with him I think you should tell her if she wants to be with you then she cant see him any more.

 

They are both totally in the wrong here; she should never have done any of that. It really don't matter if noting happened or not. Do you really believe if she disliked him so she would have let him stay the night. You would be much better off without either of them. I think any man that would do that to his so called friend is a total loser. You need to find a real woman and forget about her.

[sisterlynch]

Give her some space, if that means breaking up with her then do so. If you don't say some thing to her, then your anger will build up over time and come out in other ways, indirectly.

[the iguana]

Upon confrontation, she didn't seem to think anything was wrong with that. When i told her there definitely is, because "first of all, if any guy should pass out next to you or in the same room overnight it should be me!"

 

She then proceeded to say that she didn't want him to drive drunk home and killing somebody. He lives 30 miles from her dorm (i live 40 miles from her dorm the opposite direction)

 

To which i of course say "Then you should've planned it better, so HE was the designated driver so this wouldn't have happened" Wheres the foresight? Does it go out the drain when one turns twenty one?

 

Of course, the script was turned on me, and i'm being accused of not trusting her. And i said what she didn't want to here "no, of course i don't," i couldn't look at her in the eyes anymore. sickens me.

 

Thanks for everyone's reply, my personal friends have said the same thing "give her space/dump 'er"

[Cecelius]

Agreed -- she went out of her way to make sure that she was with him that night AND NOT YOU. At best, she assumed that maybe you would come along (come along? She was your g/f?)

 

No drama, no confrontation, no explanation -- dump her. AND DO NOT TAKE HER BACK

[sisterlynch]

she is just playing you and she isn't being respectful.

[RobzGr8]

DUMP HER. And your friend. There is obviously something going on that you are not a party to. She can lie and cover all she wants, but they are doing SOMETHING behind your back.

 

Rule #1 in a new relationship - NO FRIENDS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX.

 

This is the most important rule!! If you are with a girl who has too many guy friends, you need to make her chose. If she can't get ride of them, get rid of her. Same goes for you. If you want to keep your relationship jealous free...you need not have "girl friends" either. Trust me.

 

I have put this out there with every girl I've ever started dating. The ones who tell me "No," get dumped. Additionally, I keep NO friends who are girls. I have guy friends to hang out with, I'm not going to watch football with a girl...unless she's in a cheerleader's outfit and is down for some half time nookie!!

 

But you my friend have been through enough. Dump her. And that slime ball friend of yours. Any guy who would move in on your girl is not a friend.

[moleculo]

You've got every reason in the world to be mad in this...don't do anything drastic, but take it to her face.

[confuddled]

Sounds to me an awful lot like she's playing games here. Also that she's selfish and manipulative. That hooey about not wanting a party. I don't know if they've definitely been up to anything behind your back, but if they haven't, then one or both of them are PLANNING to, whether they'll admit it or not.

 

Keep your friend, if you can. Friends are hard to find, even though he hasn't been very nice to you. But she'll probably do something like this to him as well ... she's the one in the relationship, not him, and you can't blame a guy for trying. It'll be tough to feel the same way about him after this though.

 

I'd definitely lose the girl though. If you don't, you're only killing time until she really breaks your heart.

 

Just my pfennig's worth!

[the iguana]

So here i am , after a confrontation with her, feeling like i was the one abandoning her on her birthday. So i decided fnuck it, she did this to me. I've made more plans with her ( which i think will be a huge bass mistake). I plan on taking her to a fair this weekend. Hours later she told me she invited him to come along.

 

Later on when i bullied him into the corner about sleeping over her dorm, he goes "dude you're a jealous boyfriend, chill out, she's got guy friends -deal with it." but ever since i cornered the bastard, he's been not wanting to go with us. I think i scared him off.

 

So what is this? over one weekend, several months of her avoiding him have come to a close? Now its me and him and her doing everything? When i suggested she and i go with friends to a bar, she wanted me to go with just her alone. No. And If she thinks im going to start bringing the spare tire (the male friend) with us everywhere, guess again.

 

Also during class i was thinking "If she 'invited' me to come along, and she knew 'we' were getting drunk, what would she have done about the TWO beds that were there. We would need THREE if him and i were to be there overnight. I think i may be overanalyzing but its still a thought that lingers. Every once in a while a synapse triggers something unusual...

 

Just like how now i remember when i came to pick her up the day he left earlier, i called her to come out of her dorm, and she took over 15 minutes getting ready, and never let me in. Very suspicious. A small peak on her ground floor dorm window says that the shades were shut. usually they are not.

 

Sigh. I've been meeting girls already on campus, with common interests. I'm gonna hold onto this girl till i find another i like, just because its good companionship...on occasion...to like...concerts and uh..thats a bout it...

[peanut15]

Its amazing that he's supposedly a friend of yours and he's being much too friendly with your girlfriend. And to think she's supposedly your girlfriend and she doesn't plan things with you as a boyfriend / girlfriend would do.

 

You are still young and in college...enjoy it even it is without the two of them. I've been to college and graduate school and I've played that game they are with you and its not worth it. While in school I dated this guy who planned everything and anything with others from his dorm, work or fraternity. I understood his fraternity stuff but when I found out he'd invite all these other girls and not me I was so upset. And get this...I found out not through him about these functions but the frat president who was dating my roommate. They'd invite me and when I'd walk through the door, you should have seen the look on my boyfriend's face. I eventually ended up dumping him and eventually started dating my husband.

 

I wouldn't hold onto her. You need to dump her fast as she's stringing you along and that's not right.

 

But that's my 2 cents from someone who's been there and done that.

[Day_Walker]

Break up with her for a very simple reason. You dont trust her. If you want to spend the rest of your relationship wondering if she is sleeping with your "friend" or any other guy then continue the relationsihp.

[sisterlynch]

She isn't trustwothy and she isn't very nice either. She shouldn't offer so many excuses to him all the time either. He is getting over loaded by all the excuses all the time. She is tricking him. It is an abusive relationship, pure and simple.

[moleculo]

Buddy...you can and will do better. Don't "hold onto her till something better comes along" the more you focus on her the more blind you'll be to better things. Take a stand...you've got to look out for yourself and you won't be any better if you don't get rid of the garbage that's holding you down.

[the iguana]

i took her to a fair (made her pay her own way) and took a couple of pictures of us. Interestingly she never likes to be photographed, suddenly she does, and afterwards asked for all the photos i had (digital camera, so i sent them via email).

 

Interestingly, i also have used a program to get her email password , and when she checked email on my machine i got her password. Sneaky.

 

Anyhow, after the sent photos to her, i logged on as her and noticed she sent the 'friend' several of our pictures. I realize one was taken because he likes the word Swine, so we took a picture of her and i next to a big pig sign. But also with the one meant for him, i noticed she sent a picture of just herself with a blanket on top, and one with a good shot of her bust, next to another farm animal. Both were taken that same day.

 

Does it pose a bit seedy that she never liked taking pictures until that day she got drunk and that she's sending him three pictures (one meant for him) adn the other two are clearly of just herself in the environment?

 

unfortunately she took the 'sent items' folder off her email server recently, i can only see what she sent via trash.

 

don't worry guys, ive been taking your advice, im treating her just as a friend, and distancing myself from her...your opinions?

[Cecelius]

Yeah, just walk away.

 

Hedging where you are and seeing what she does next will only waste your time.

 

Your only satisfaction is in dumping her.

[the iguana]

Well, three weeks have passed, im on good terms with her.

 

I've settled this balance of power by starting to hang around with a friend of mine (a hot goth chick) and i take naps in her dorm between classes and we cook food around lunch time (i commute, so im stuck eating blimpies otherwise) and i told my gf this. She doesn't like it one bit!

 

And so i told her 'go ahead and hang out with ____ all you want' and now she feels disgusted about going drinking with him. Haha.

 

I know i won't cheat on my g/f. This goth girl has a boyfriend who lives far away. And i'm not gonna do anything with this girl. She's a friend who i work with and have a class with. I don't anything past talking to her or eating Chicken Marsal cooked by her, i don't hug her or touch her or anything.

 

But yes, my advice to anyone having this problem is to start hanging out with another girl, don't use her, but hang out with her if you get jealous of your girlfriends actions. before this whole shebang, i would've never hung out with another girl in the privacy of her dorm room, but oh well.

 

Your fault, girlfriend.

[jurupa]

Why are you even being friends with your "girl friend". Just walk away and not bother talking to her nor your male friend. She is just keeping you around for her own uses, what ever that may be. Why are you keeping her until you find another girl friend? Girls normally don't like it when a guy does this. It would be better if you just walk away and find another girl to date.

[AlleyCat]

Well, three weeks have passed, im on good terms with her.

 

 

You say you're on good terms with her, but you're hanging out with the "hot goth chick" out of spite. That doesn't sound good for the relationship. However, I can completely understand why it would make you feel better and it really could have a positive result. She can probably now understand how you felt about how she was treating you.

 

Are you willing to give this other girl up for the sake of your relationship? It sounds like it might be time to have a serious talk about this. You mentioned that she doesn't like you hanging out with this other girl. Maybe she has seen the error of her ways with the other guy, and it's time for her to stop drinking with your friend, and you to stop spending time at the other girl's dorm room.