why do men on online dating sites do this?

[ut804]

i dont have time to read every post but want to add...

 

As I mentioned in a similar thread, your damned if you meet someone too soon, and you're damned if you wait too long to meet them. I don't agree with "meet them as soon as possible". I have done this and felt very uncomfortable meeting someone i barely even spoke to, and a lot of these dates ended in disaster because they ended up to be jerks. If I talked to them more maybe I would have seen that they were jerks and would not have wasted time meeting them

 

On the other hand, if you talk for too long you get high expectations and often are disappointed when you finally meet. And then all that talking seemed like a waste.

 

SO, I think the smartest thing to do is find a right balance: talk just enough but not too much (I like a week of daily back-and-forth messages before I meet). I don't like to meet someone so fast because it just gives me anxiety, but I don't like to drag it out either.

 

ALSO, it is also smart for people NOT to be desparate and send out 100 messages. Only message those you REALLY like. Because the more people you message and talk to, the more lazy you will get, the more negative you will get, the more impatient you get, the more overhwhelming it gets. QUALITY OVER QUANTITY. I would rather take my time and message one man once a week, go on few dates than to talk to 100 men and don't have the time to get to know them and have it all be overwhelming and a disaster.

 

Online dating would be a better experience if people took it more seriously. And I'm not saying to put in SO much effort and spend hours writing one message, but just message people you have real interest in. I find a lot of men get desperate and send out 100s of messages just to get a response, but it's just that. Do they really have interest in 100 women? I can't even find one man a day that I like.

 

The seeker,

wow you had to block about 200 men? That's also what I'm talking about... people who are just desperate and rude make online dating frustrating for the rest of us. It shouldn't be so frustrating. people need to grow up and take it more seriously, or they should join a separate site just for sex personals or something.

[Lonewing]

My experience is that when people recall fondly or with joy the early part of their romance it's about the face to face meetings or at least the phone conversations - it's not about typing. And in early dating it's what separates the "wow he/she makes me feel special" from the "yeah well he's texting me all the time from wherever he is so I assume he can't be dating other people" (which may or may not be true). An email after a lovely date or phone convo can be very nice and flattering but if you want to stand out make your presence known in ways other than by just typing.

 

I have yet to get a "please call me instead" message. I have been told before to text instead of call. I'm almost convinced that around here, if phones did not have speakers on them, people would not miss it.

[Lonewing]

You can cry for quality over quantiy all you wish, but when the average female response rate is down around 6-10%, those rules go right out the window. if you send out One message, as a Woman, your odds of getting a message back are very high. If you're an attractive woman, your odds are really nigh on 1:1. If I had your response rate, I would not be sending out 3-5 messages in one night. I'm considering myself quite lucky right now, with the response rate I'm running at the moment; it's about the highest I've ever had. Granted, the more I move away from 90%+ matches, the higher the response rate gets. I don't understand it myself, but eh; I don't have time to waste on primadonas.

 

It WOULD help if more people took it seriously, particularly those who just want to have sex and those who are just getting their egos stroked. But you really can't tell who these people are, not by a long shot.

 

It's a first date. Yes, it exposes every weakness - like jerkness. It also covers all those other little things which, well, I don;t think go away nomatter how often you send a message or talk on the phone. I personally believe these qualities are either excused or covered up in the beginning, but ultimately they rear their heads and the relationship ends anyways for the same reason. One date, and it's all covered. It's a first date, it's not a "we'll figure everythign out tonight." It's a "can I at least sit at the same table as this person, and be comfortable with them? No? then it's move on time, for both of us!!"

 

I've been too slow to reply before, and that has been a touch of death. But to be honest, I was struggling with "yes or no" on that one, and her saying "no" made it so much easier to forge ahead.

 

200 hidden users? I'm right now sitting at 154 pages of hidden users, for a total tally of 3826. These profiles are those who do not reply to messages, those who are unsuitable to even message in the first place, or those who I have gone on a date with and we determined it just wasn't enough for both of us.

 

I have all the time in the world to get this right.

[Batya33]

I have yet to get a "please call me instead" message. I have been told before to text instead of call. I'm almost convinced that around here, if phones did not have speakers on them, people would not miss it.

 

Yes, it's fine if the woman asks you to text her instead of call. Perhaps she doesn't want to be disturbed at work.

[longenough]

Answer to your question. Try dropping the internet and going to church. Actually after reading all 5 paragraphs I know most men will go to the Philippines to find there love. The girls there are less complicated. They have singled it all out to one solution : hey don't cheat on me and I will do anything for you. When you start disecting someone into some puzzle that you might be forming for yourself your cutting out some really good guys. I am saying you are expecting alot. Give that guy a chance. Good luck in your search for that perfect mold.

[Batya33]

Answer to your question. Try dropping the internet and going to church. Actually after reading all 5 paragraphs I know most men will go to the Philippines to find there love. The girls there are less complicated. They have singled it all out to one solution : hey don't cheat on me and I will do anything for you. When you start disecting someone into some puzzle that you might be forming for yourself your cutting out some really good guys. I am saying you are expecting alot. Give that guy a chance. Good luck in your search for that perfect mold.

 

I didn't want a relationship based on "I'll do anything for you as long as you keep your marriage vow against adultery". That person obviously would have low self esteem and I'd also find it boring to be with such a doormat. I think meeting people through on line sites can be a great addition to other ways of meeting people including through religious organizations. Obviously if a person is looking for more of an owner/ compliant puppy dog relationship then what is described above could work beautifully.

[jd2007]

I find it fascinating to read womens' perspectives on dating sites, and yours is no different. I'm out there, and looking for a serious relationship - not a hookup. When I reply to messages it is not with a single line, and my initial messages are thoughtful. I always look for something in the profile to talk about to get the ball rolling.

 

I'm taking a break from them right now. I had one girl on there that I really really liked, and she met someone else, and so for me, it was time for a break.

 

... but based on what you describe, and all of the other horror stories I've heard, I'm encouraged for my prospects.

[iguy34]

Hello

 

I think your been too harsh on yourself. If they don't like you, or don't talk to you, then push them aside. Be yourself and like who you are for who you are.

You have a rite to be offended, if they are been arrogant as well...

 

Men do like to play the bad boy type and think it’s a cool way to treat a woman, like a game.

But you’re not a game, you’re a person who has put up her interest, so let the rite ones come through.

 

If someone writes to you in anger, then block them, do you really want to talk to them.

Think of it this way, they are on the internet; you don't really know what they are like in reality.

 

You will in my eyes, will catch someone's attention, and when you do, they’ll fight hard to get to know you.

 

I am a guy, but can understand totally what you mean; I have several mates who treat woman like they are trash, even those they care about.

 

And to end this, anger is used as a tool from those who are just simply boys who need to grow up; they don't know how to have a proper chat.

 

In my opinion, dating sites are like a needle in a hay stack, they are also a tad annoying.

 

Don’t get bitter, just let yourself get noticed from someone who is real and will try harder to get your attention and keep it.

Personally I don’t know who you are, but I’m sure you will find the rite one soon.

 

Peace out and good luck.

[Uzma Khan]

I have come to learn from these dating sites, that men are just looking for fun!! I ve given up

[alexsomething]

Try this one link removed

Here you can even record your voice and it's totally free.

[Sirenia]

Great post!

 

I've been using dating sites a long time.. though not continuously! I met my then husband many years ago because of one. and then there was a huge gap where I didn't use them for many years and only recently I've been back on..

 

I think part of the problem are the sites themselves.. There didn't used to be instant messaging on these sites. You could only write a message and respond. It was more like email and less like IM or texting. I think this chatting or whatsapping/texting culture has totally ruined it and only made it much much harder for people to meet genuine people on dating sites.

 

Guys no longer feel the need to write well composed messages if they can just write "hi" and followed by "How's it going?" or "What's up?" or other lame short useless sentences... as they use the dating sites as if it were their phone! And also most sites tell you when the last time they were on and it's usually in the last few minutes or hours.. so guys are checking their phone all day long (not saying that girls don't do this but I don't date girls so...)... and I feel that many of them are just using it for 'fun' and the thrill.. like "Oooh I just got a new message!" not ever really wanting to date or meet up in real life.

 

Of course the vast majority are also on these sites for sex.

 

I swore off dating sites and I said I'd never use them again.. but about 2 weeks ago I got on a site which seemed really good (and one I hadn't looked into before) and before I knew it, I had about 50 messages in just a few days. My profile didn't even say much. I was so thrilled! But as I went through them all painstakingly (it was soooo timeconsuming!) I ended up with less than 5 'contenders'.

 

The vast majority couldn't spell or used SMS speak or just didn't want to write, but wanted to chat as per my point above.

Then there were those who wanted to meet after speaking to me for 2 minutes

Then there were those who still don't want to meet after chatting to me for 2 weeks

 

Despite their perfectly crafted, nice, sweet, longish messages tailored to me and my profile... I found that these guys did not fair better either. I could see that they were online 2 hours ago but couldn't reply to my message that I sent them 2 days ago? yeah...

 

I've had guys write me asking me details of how long I've been on the site, how many guys I met, what happened, why didn't work out.. it's none of their bloody business! I've also had guys telling me they don't believe sites like this 'work' (yeah of course they don't when you don't put in any effort or become flakey)...

 

In short my conclusion is that guys don't take it very seriously, they have no accountability (since they are pretty much anonymous - although I have ways of finding out who they are).. and they don't care.. as they don't expect it to work, so when it doesn't work it just proved their own theory right.

 

I know there will be guys telling me .. Oh but I put a lot of effort into my profile and messages and girls don't reply, don't take it seriously etc... I have to say that in all honestly she's just not attracted to you for whatever reason.. it could be from your photo, your height, your job, your piercings?, girls in your photos, your hobbies.. anything. Don't take it personally. I've had some nice guys write to me but I really had to say 'sorry but no thanks' I just wasn't attracted to him for several reasons.

 

At the end of the day I do realise that girls are FAR more pickier than guys are. Another thing is I can't understand why guys living so far away write to me.. even those living in another country! It's another clue that they are not taking this seriously and just writing to anyone , 'fishing' hoping to get a 'catch'. It's clearly obvious they are just after quantity not quality. As far as I'm concerned guys should think of this like a job application.. would you really write a job application letter with SMS speak? (but don't go overboard either.. I had one guy write me a message which sounded EXACTLY like a job application with the 3 standard paragraphs.. it must've been at least 500 words and it sounded like a cut-and-paste job.. kinda freaky).

[Lonewing]

Sirenia, it would be best of you use the messages as indicators of those who might reply if you message them. hence, go straight to their profiles and go form there.

 

The very poor response rate by women is partially to blame for what you have experienced. Even a modestly attractive woman can fill up an inbox in less than a week. If women went proactive, there would not longer be any reason to send messages...

 

But as you said, women are pickier on these sites, which may also be part of the problem...

 

The girl I am with now is not only a great match, but the one single most important quality that sets her apart form all the other really great matches? She replied to a message. You control who you see, so use it!

[Sirenia]

I didn't want to be a b*tch, or arrogant so and so , so I replied to everyone who had a decent profile, yes. However once I realised they couldn't communicate properly then I ended it.

[Lonewing]

I'd only reply to those you're seriously interested in dating. In time, you'll probably find there's just too much, and then there are those people who just can't take "no."

 

I think the longer someone is on these sites, the more likely they are to not reply to what they don't want...if that makes sense.

[Tanyawill35]

Eh I wouldn't put too much stock in the fact that these men don't have any dating etiquette... I agree that they are just bolder online and that there's not much to do about it but ignore them and move on.. or perhaps it's time to quit online dating if it bothers you that much.

 

As for the why, some men (like some women) have no class... end of story.. don't take it personally..

[mitchums]

I know this thread is old but I'm going to reply anyways...

 

I'm going to be brutally honest here, at the risk of being chastised by those who don't accept that sometimes we do mean things when our emotions get the best of us. Yes, I've been a jerk to women online before out of my own bitterness. I'm not some crazy antisocial creep either. I'm a normal attractive guy with great friends that care about me and that I care about and do great things for.

 

People need to understand that dating for men can be a very painful experience. Like everyone else in this world, I have an ideal love in mind. I'm also a problem solver, though, so if I'm not getting opportunities that are close to my desired love, I'm going to make an effort to fix the things that are impeding my success. There are two unfortunate aspects of this though: 1)Women (and men) in dating are pretty poor about helping you identify what exactly you need to work on and 2) fixing yourself to make you attractive to your desired mate is an extremely challenging process. You AREN'T guaranteed success if you keep trying and working hard. There are no guarantees in dating. There are plenty of people that, despite their best efforts, do not find anything close to their dream match at any point in their life. These are the realities of life people.

 

So my failures in dating made me bitter and frustrated. I tried reading articles and forums, seeking counseling, working heavily on my appearance (I'm not an unattractive person). Despite all my efforts, my dating life of the past 3 years has been full of failures. Everybody reaches a point where they just give up. I finally settled for someone I don't truly love and that I'm not heavily attracted to. Now I'm in the acceptance phase. And people who say "It's better to be alone than with the wrong person" don't really know how bad loneliness can get, especially for one who prides his ego.

 

So yes, I am bitter that despite all the effort I put in, for whatever reason, the type of woman I wanted wasn't attracted to me. It sucks. It hurts. It brought evil out in me. So I've been a to women online. I know what you're thinking. "You have no right to lash out at others because of your own hurt and struggles." True. I fully accept doing a wrong, bad thing. But bad things happen, and sometimes it makes me feel better, and quite honestly, all I'm really doing is being hurtful to people that don't know or care about me (who are attractive enough that dating is highly likely to work out better for them) and wasting a little bit of someone's time. I'm not shooting up health clubs.

 

In summary, just be glad you're not the guy on the other end of the message.

[Rosti87]

I have no experience with online sites like this, but don't they have online sites for people who just want bootcalls? They have sites for cougars, black singles, for people over 50. Shouldn't there be one for people who just want to have sex?

[Lonewing]

I have no experience with online sites like this, but don't they have online sites for people who just want bootcalls? They have sites for cougars, black singles, for people over 50. Shouldn't there be one for people who just want to have sex?

 

Most of them are A) Pay sites, B) Scam sites, and C), populated by 500 guys and 20 shill girls who have accounts for the explicit purpose of getting guys to sign up for the site.

 

IF they do have a robust female population, it is because it is an Escort site...at which point women seem to happily put out, once they're getting paid to do it...

[Rosti87]

Most of them are A) Pay sites, B) Scam sites, and C), populated by 500 guys and 20 shill girls who have accounts for the explicit purpose of getting guys to sign up for the site.

 

IF they do have a robust female population, it is because it is an Escort site...at which point women seem to happily put out, once they're getting paid to do it...

 

Interesting. The more things change the more they remain the same.

[resilient7]

Damn michums! I know exactly what you mean buddy!

[Synerjist]

image removed

 

"Life is hard... humph...."

 

For funzies, make yourself a profile of a run on the mill guy. Nothing superlative, but decent. Make it it kind of fun and interesting. For the month of December, get yourself four dates. Go!

[Kendahke]

 

4. Why do men have such well-written profiles that sound so mature and serious, saying how they are looking for a meaningful relationship and they are hard-working, gentleman, etc. and then go and message me with something so stupid like "hey sexii!!! heres my number....." ??

 

because they copy and paste them off of sites which specialize in writing profiles which are guaranteed to garner interest.

 

Google search it and you'll see what I mean. If it's too well written, then chances are, they're phony trolls hiding behind who they aren't because they know who they are isn't good enough for you, so they try to act like someone else. Out them.

[lured2luv]

You know why? Because they don't care ! They don't read your stuff, they don't want to waste their time on writing you nice replies, they do not give a damn! And they want one thing only from you-back to my post. Sorry but it's true. Men use online sites as a quick hookup - nothing more. And the more negative replies my post will get just proves that I am right.

[Thorshammer]

Men use online sites as a quick hookup - nothing more. And the more negative replies my post will get just proves that I am right.

 

Lol... what?

 

Hate to burst your bubble... but so are women. Woman have lied to me so they can bang, one even being married, the other engaged. And i dont do the fwb thing, i usually cut the strings - not sure why, i had some real hotties and i just cut it off....

 

I do agree with men using online for booty, it helps separate me for the pack so i can stand out, so i just agree like a like a good little boy for them. But i know woman are just as thirsty, they just dont go telecasting it to all their friends or promoting it online like guys do.

[Lonewing]

You know why? Because they don't care ! They don't read your stuff, they don't want to waste their time on writing you nice replies, they do not give a damn! And they want one thing only from you-back to my post. Sorry but it's true. Men use online sites as a quick hookup - nothing more. And the more negative replies my post will get just proves that I am right.

 

A couple anecdotes do not constitute evidence. Yes, lots of people have had negative experiences with online dating, but then a TON of people have had negative experiences with DATING in general.

 

People have had issues dating since the whole courtship idea was invented.