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Need Advice On Returning His Things


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It has been 4 months since the breakup. I went 45 days of no contact before he sent me a personalized text on Christmas, which kind of set me back. After that I ran into a mutual friend at a bar who told me that my ex was still in love with me and is having a hard time moving on. After that, I sent him a message expressing my love for him, because I was tired of the breadcrumbs and figured I needed to get in or get out and that I would learn a lot from this. I heard nothing back and after a week sent him a text saying I wanted to return all his items that were at my house. He said that would be great and that he would like to meet for a drink and he could get his stuff then. This was quite confusing to me as I didn't expect that he would want to see me. After this, we had a nice FB chat where we discussed very superficial things.


After the FB chat, I decided to send him a message that said I was looking forward to meeting him for a drink. He postponed the drink and didn't respond to my next message, which has pretty much been the norm. My counselor thinks he doesn't really want his things back so he can maintain a connection with me. I then decided to send an email, which was very nice in tone, but did express that I felt he hurt me more than anyone ever has in the way he left with no notice, no shared grieving, and no more than a ten minute breakup phone conversation; and that he has treated me with much coldness since. I felt I had to express these things and let him know that if we get together for this drink, I would like him to be honest with me. I could not see getting together and pretending nothing ever happened between us.


I am not sure I will hear back from him at this point because I don't think he is capable of expressing his emotions, which has always been a challenge for him. However, I would like to return his stuff to him.


Here are my questions:


1) Should I send him any kind of message before a friend of mine takes the boxes of things to my ex's workplace?


2) Should I let him know I am going to unfriend him on FB after I return his items? Or, should I just unfriend without an explanation?


Thank you!!!

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In response...

1. I would send a message just to let him know that you are sending a friend, and that if he doesnt respond or ignores the request, that you are going to have your friend bring them over anyways and leave them outside of his house (or something similar). Then, dont respond to him unless its directly about setting up that meeting.

2. Its up to you, but you dont owe him an explanation. If staying in contact has the potential to hurt you more, then dont say anything.

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If it were me:

- I wouldn't send his stuff to his work at all

- I'd let the friend arrange a time to give him his things

- I wouldn't tell him I was going to unfriend him.


But I think you're in the wrong place to be doing any of these things because you're doing them for the wrong reasons - in the end, you still want his attention. (And the only reason you asked about his stuff is because he didn't respond to your I love you text.)


I think you should go NC, put his stuff in the garage, and move on with your life and stop focussing on him.


If he does eventually follow-up about his stuff, just give his stuff to your friend and let your friend make arrangements to return them.

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Have a mutual friend make arrangements with him to take his stuff back to his place (not his work) or to meet him somewhere to give him back his things. Or mail them to him.


Since you told him you still loved him and he has not followed through with that, I think he has been clear that he does not want to get back together. He has had multiple times to take you up on that and the answer has been the same each time.


Do not meet him for drinks, do not send him any more letters or emails, simply go NC once the stuff is delivered.


Block him and defriend him on FB - and you do not have to tell him you did that, but for your healing be sure to block him.


Then go NC completely and move on with your life so that you can continue to heal.

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I don't think your friends deserve to be involved unless they want to, are willing, and/or have offered to help. That is kind of an awkward situation to put friends in. You both are adults and should handle this as such (although I acknowledge he seems to have been less of one). I think you hold on to his crap, put it in a garbage bag in the garage or something until he decides to man up and comes to get it.


Then I'd just unfriend him on FB. Who cares what he things.



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My friend offered to return his things for me, so I think he is comfortable doing this or he wouldn't have suggested it. I have been nothing but gracious in my letters and messages to my ex, and have either been NC or LC in the last four months until the last two weeks. The problem is even though his things are put away in a place where I cannot see them, I am still aware that they are at my house. I am definitely not wanting to return the stuff for the attention, but I feel it will allow me to move on. His place is furnished mostly with things I gave him, which he offered to return to me, but I said that they were gifts and I didn't want anything back. On the other hand, the items he has at my place are more personal in nature: lots of clothes, etc., as he had basically moved in.

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