How much "emotional neglect" justifies infidelity?

[Unreasonable]

Note, I am NOT asking this about myself. But let's say you're in a situation where you are feeling miserable and neglected, and feel your SO is too wrapped up in one thing or another. Doesn't talk enough, isn't intimate enough, etc. You've expressed your feelings and based on their response feel like its really not going to get better, and feel a need to fill that void somehow. You have mitigating circumstances which prevent you from wanting to leave (children, security, whatevs), but you know infidelity if discovered will very likely end in divorce. What would be your advice to such a person?

[WhenWillILove]

Well, let's say the husband beats up his wife, threatens her with murder, then yeah, justified.

[Moontiger]

Nothing justifies infidelity. If a person needs are not being meet and they have already tried to work it out with their partner then they need to leave the relationship. Stay in a bad relationship for any reason is never a good idea. To cheat is a very immature thing to do IMO and shows a lack of judgement, integrity, and common sense.

[FrenchFries]

No amount justifies it. If a person is that unhappy they should just leave.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Much of the time infidelity is eventually discovered. So if it is going to lead to divorce anyway, why not end the relationship sooner and be totally free to have a new, more satisfying one. There is no justification for cheating. There are lots of single people out there who have been single and dateless for years and they manage to live a full and happy life with no partner to talk to or be intimate with. So not having those needs met in a marriage is no excuse to cheat when countless single people don't have those needs met either and do just fine.

[Unreasonable]

Well, let's say the husband beats up his wife, threatens her with murder, then yeah, justified.

Well, I think if that happened it would probably nullify any mitigating circumstances (and possibly get you killed). So, lets suppose that isn't happening. Basically decent guy, but emotionally distant and probably always will be. Being single would probably be lifelong as an alternative. In other words, you are not convinced that having someone to pay the bills - but isn't much of a companion - would probably be better than being a struggling single mom who's chances for a future successful relationship is very unlikely.

[pl3asehelp]

Nothing justifies infidelity. If a person needs are not being meet and they have already tried to work it out with their partner then they need to leave the relationship. Stay in a bad relationship for any reason is never a good idea. To cheat is a very immature thing to do IMO and shows a lack of judgement, integrity, and common sense.

 

Exactly, there is no justification. It's just a cowardly and selfish thing to do.

[WhenWillILove]

It can be justified. Think about those restrictive cultures and religions that prohibit divorce? Then what?

[pl3asehelp]

Well, I think if that happened it would probably nullify any mitigating circumstances (and possibly get you killed). So, lets suppose that isn't happening. Basically decent guy, but emotionally distant and probably always will be. Being single would probably be lifelong as an alternative. In other words, you are not convinced that having someone to pay the bills - but isn't much of a companion - would probably be better than being a struggling single mom who's chances for a future successful relationship is very unlikely.

 

This amounts to just using your partner for what, financial support, while you move on to a new relationship with someone else. You don't like your partner, leave them, including their paycheck.

[Moontiger]

Well, I think if that happened it would probably nullify any mitigating circumstances (and possibly get you killed). So, lets suppose that isn't happening. Basically decent guy, but emotionally distant and probably always will be. Being single would probably be lifelong as an alternative. In other words, you are not convinced that having someone to pay the bills - but isn't much of a companion - would probably be better than being a struggling single mom who's chances for a future successful relationship is very unlikely.

 

 

Sounds really selfish. Using someone because you are so unhappy with your own life. The person made there choice to enter into a relationship with a emotionally distant person and have a child with them. Guess what? As an adult we have to live with the choices we make. So it comes down to either doing everything you can to make the marriage work or leaving. Each choice has pros and cons. Cheating though? You run the risk of pregnancy, STDs, being caught and getting divorced anyway. The person should just bit the bullet and get a divorce.

[pl3asehelp]

It can be justified. Think about those restrictive cultures and religions that prohibit divorce? Then what?

 

Those religions also prohibit adultery. If you want to get divorced or cheat, you need to choose your religion wisely or choose none at all.

[camus154]

It can be justified. Think about those restrictive cultures and religions that prohibit divorce? Then what?

 

A culture that prohibits divorce will more than likely prohibit infidelity....probably to a literally lethal degree. So yeah...good luck with that.

 

A religion that prohibits divorce...well, it's just a religion anyway. Who cares.

[Moontiger]

It can be justified. Think about those restrictive cultures and religions that prohibit divorce? Then what?

 

Usually in those cultures they run the risk of being killed if they are caught with someone who is not there husband. Doesn't seem worth it.

[Fudgie]

I don't believe it's ever justified.

 

I don't buy the "WAHHHH!!! My culture/religion doesn't permit divorce!". You either divorce and deal, or leave that area for another that isn't so condemning.

[RadicalDreamer]

I believe "emotional neglect" (to the extent that it's reasonable) is tantamount to cheating. Basically just as bad. But neither are justified. Two wrongs never make a right. It's not a moral/romantic whizzing contest.

 

I can understand why some people have difficulty leaving problematic relationships. Not everyone has the thick skin needed to believe in themselves as good, upstanding people despite all the venom their partner might fling their way upon saying they want to leave. So they stay halfway-in, halfway-out. There are a lot reasons in society why this happens, but it all comes down to individual choice. You just have to be strong, and confident and secure in yourself to get out so you can leave a relationship on its own merits, not because the grass is greener. Even if it really is, that's still a lousy circumstance in which to leave a relationship.

[Maeva]

If the person wants to stay with a decent good provider and provide stability for a family and not be alone, its better to just hang in there and get a nice powerful battery operated friend. If the person has correctly judged that they are unlikely to do that well again then itd be pretty wildly insane and totally self defeating and not fair to any theoretical children whose security they risk to go having an affair.

 

There are ways to encourage the emotionally distant to get a bit closer, and some serious reading might be in order. suggest the neglectee to have the neglector feel really good about themselves and have good time in the company of the person, so they seek out their company is a good start. Also perhaps the neglectee try some serious seeking of outside affirmation without an affair. I am curious why the person doesnt see much hope for it changing, does the spouse have very high functioning autism? Because even those cases there is plenty of hope. People often feel bad about themselves if they feel they are emotionally hurting someone and try to avoid the victim so they dont feel bad or do more damage, is this what is happening?

 

Outside affirmation doesnt have to be an affair. An affair only seems like the easiest way to do this, its really quite self defeating because even if the person gets away with it such an affair by defintion has to end- removing the sought after affirmation and leaving the person right back where they began except now they feel worse. Finding friends, studying, getting work, even volunteer work, outside the home, learning a new skill, getting seriously into working out, painting, joining a quilting circle, helping out at the kids scout group,.. Everyone is different, but there will be something the person can do.

 

That the person hasnt had an affair already when they feel like that means something very hopeful for their relationship.

 

Often these will increase a persons value as a partner, making a move on to new living circumstances without permanent loss of desired lifestyle elements if the relationship just really is a dud. The person considering the affair may be surprised and find that once they too are always involved with one thing or another they are able to accept the partners one thing or another and grow closer with them in the times they do share. Perhaps the person can even get involved with his one thing or another (help at the business, play the wargame, accidently spill coffee on the modem.. whatever his one thing or another is)

 

That would be my advice. And I might try to find some good battery operated friend suggestions.

[RadicalDreamer]

If the person wants to stay with a decent good provider and provide stability for a family and not be alone, its better to just hang in there and get a nice powerful battery operated friend. If the person has correctly judged that they are unlikely to do that well again then itd be pretty wildly insane and totally self defeating and not fair to any theoretical children whose security they risk to go having an affair.

Very true, and from a logical standpoint, every attempt to defend or justify infidelity fails. However, humans are only logical part-time, and we sometimes suspend our rationale to disastrous effect.

There are ways to encourage the emotionally distant to get a bit closer, and some serious reading might be in order. suggest the neglectee to have the neglector feel really good about themselves and have good time in the company of the person, so they seek out their company is a good start. Also perhaps the neglectee try some serious seeking of outside affirmation without an affair. I am curious why the person doesnt see much hope for it changing, does the spouse have very high functioning autism? Because even those cases there is plenty of hope. People often feel bad about themselves if they feel they are emotionally hurting someone and try to avoid the victim so they dont feel bad or do more damage, is this what is happening?

For many, probably. A person should always work at a relationship. A person should always ask "what can I do?" if they find themselves neglected, and then try everything they can think of. However, this depends on how receptive the other person is. When they're not, despair sets in.

That the person hasnt had an affair already when they feel like that means something very hopeful for their relationship.

Usually, yes. Affairs are always bad. But just because a person is chugging along doesn't always mean things are on the up-and-up. It can also mean that they're simply deluding themselves into agreeing with the neglector that everything is fine, and that they just need to "learn" to want different things.

Often these will increase a persons value as a partner, making a move on to new living circumstances without permanent loss of desired lifestyle elements if the relationship just really is a dud. The person considering the affair may be surprised and find that once they too are always involved with one thing or another they are able to accept the partners one thing or another and grow closer with them in the times they do share. Perhaps the person can even get involved with his one thing or another (help at the business, play the wargame, accidently spill coffee on the modem.. whatever his one thing or another is)

 

That would be my advice. And I might try to find some good battery operated friend suggestions.

This is superb advice all around. But there are angles to which I would like to add my own perspective, gleaned from my own experience. As with all things, Your Mileage May Vary.

 

There are many people who want, expect and are happy with no more than a purely pragmatic relationship, which echoes the logical structure of a business partnership (but with sex [hopefully]) When these people are with others of like mind, these relationships are some of the most stable and mutually fulfilling ones out there. However, there are some who find that lacking. And, contrary to what some think, it's not always because they're immature or want too much. You can try to hammer a square peg into a round hole all you want, but the square will never fit unless it breaks.

 

Also, the bond a person has with friends, respected coworkers or from others in a common activity (a class, a study group, volunteering, etc.) is decidedly different from what one gets in a loving, trusting relationship. At least, most people expect such, and that is entirely reasonable. One can lean a little more heavily on them during the occasional "storm" but they can never replace or fix a deep-seated, long-term lack of affection.

 

The same goes for a "battery-operated friend" (or the male equivalent, "A Date With Rosy Palms.") That can patch a short-term need for sexual gratification, but cannot go beyond.

 

The reason neglect is so tricky is that many people who feel they are being neglected have simply made their partner the be-all-end-all of their lives, and feel a gap. They expect the relationship to fulfill ALL their needs, and find it coming up short. And rather than taking a deep look at themselves, they conclude they need someone else. In short, they aren't emotionally aware enough to know whether they have love and are missing friendship and social interaction, or vice versa. Without analyzing the real problem, one can never hope to find a solution.

 

Unfortunately, people tend to assume the above when they hear about neglect in relationships. That's a shame, because there are cases of real, long term neglect. They are every bit as tragic and hurtful as an affair, or a one-night stand. But because the waters tend to be a bit murker, there is no scarlet letter for "N." So it usually goes unnoticed, when it should be every bit as much of a "dealbreaker" as infidelity.

[Fudgie]

I believe "emotional neglect" (to the extent that it's reasonable) is tantamount to cheating. Basically just as bad. But neither are justified. Two wrongs never make a right. It's not a moral/romantic whizzing contest.

 

I agree with this 100%. Completely.

 

I consider it to be just as bad as cheating for someone in a relationship to "shut down" emotionally, not communicate with their partner, not at least TRY to fulfil their sexual needs, and not be willing to do anything to make things better.

 

It's definitely neglect and it's totally wrong. I'm not sure if divorce courts would look at it in a divorce hearing but they SHOULD. The person who does it should be in "fault" for the divorce and the victim should get the most compensation. I do consider it a good reason to divorce. How can you make a marriage work with someone who refuses to do anything to make it better? You can't.

 

Sadly, I see a lot of people (mostly women) who think it's okay to get married and then cut off sex "because they don't want it" and expecting their spouse to just "deal with it". It's downright cruel.

[brokenheart911]

Infidelity is not the answer. If the relationship cannot be salvaged then move on. It is not worth cheating....I've been there. It's best to end your current situation (if you choose to do so) prior to starting another. This will save you a lot of heartache and shame. Keep your self respect and deal with the issues at hand before moving on.

 

Good Luck!

[Autumnleaves]

Infidelity is not the answer. If the relationship cannot be salvaged then move on. It is not worth cheating....I've been there. It's best to end your current situation (if you choose to do so) prior to starting another. This will save you a lot of heartache and shame. Keep your self respect and deal with the issues at hand before moving on.

 

Good Luck!

 

 

I agree.

 

I've never cheated on a partner, if I was that unhappy that I felt I wasn't getting what I wanted from the relationship I would end it.

[abitbroken]

Note, I am NOT asking this about myself. But let's say you're in a situation where you are feeling miserable and neglected, and feel your SO is too wrapped up in one thing or another. Doesn't talk enough, isn't intimate enough, etc.

 

The key you mentioned is someone FEELS miserable and neglected. It is up to the individual person to strive to be whole, through confidence, faith, etc, so that they are not relying on someone else for all of their emotional and spiritual needs. If one reaches that point, they can see that their partner is human with their own failings. They can't read minds.

[RadicalDreamer]

Infidelity is not the answer. If the relationship cannot be salvaged then move on. It is not worth cheating....I've been there. It's best to end your current situation (if you choose to do so) prior to starting another. This will save you a lot of heartache and shame. Keep your self respect and deal with the issues at hand before moving on.

 

Good Luck!

Very good advice. I hope anyone who's even remotely considering it can read these responses.

I agree.

 

I've never cheated on a partner, if I was that unhappy that I felt I wasn't getting what I wanted from the relationship I would end it.

Absolutely. And that is how it should be. People need to learn to get the strength and self-confidence to assess their situation and believe in themselves so that they can get out of unhappy relationships. Without seeking validation from someone else. Unfortunately, some out there, will simply keep their heads down, thinking they deserve it. And if they cheat, that only makes matters worse. Not only for their partner, but for the "other person" and ultimately, themselves. It just becomes one more log on the fire of shame and self-defeat.

I agree with this 100%. Completely.

 

I consider it to be just as bad as cheating for someone in a relationship to "shut down" emotionally, not communicate with their partner, not at least TRY to fulfil their sexual needs, and not be willing to do anything to make things better.

 

It's definitely neglect and it's totally wrong. I'm not sure if divorce courts would look at it in a divorce hearing but they SHOULD. The person who does it should be in "fault" for the divorce and the victim should get the most compensation. I do consider it a good reason to divorce. How can you make a marriage work with someone who refuses to do anything to make it better? You can't.

 

Sadly, I see a lot of people (mostly women) who think it's okay to get married and then cut off sex "because they don't want it" and expecting their spouse to just "deal with it". It's downright cruel.

Granted, if a woman (or man) doesn't want sex, they certainly shouldn't feel pressured for it. It's their body, and theirs to do with as they want. The same goes for emotions. It really shouldn't feel that way in the first place though. And if that is the climate of a relationship for a significantly long time, it should be grounds for reconsidering the relationship. Even if it is a marriage with children. Sorry, but one person does not have the right to demand that another live and exist solely for their benefit, and there ARE ways to keep a family together, even in the aftermath of divorce.

 

But here's the thing. A partner doesn't have to be a "bad" person to neglect their partner. People can experience emotional withdrawal from their partner for many reasons, including undiagnosed personality disorders, depression/chemical imbalances, or even some life-altering paradigm shift. When these things are not communicated, disaster follows. These things do not justify emotional neglect any more than they would justify cheating, but they're not meant to be. Cause and justification are two different things.

 

That said, it should be a dealbreaker. We (meaning everyone as a whole) need to stop trumpeting this nonsense of "that's how relationships get after a while." It's sickening, and in America at least, probably contributes significantly to the divorce rate.

[RadicalDreamer]

The key you mentioned is someone FEELS miserable and neglected. It is up to the individual person to strive to be whole, through confidence, faith, etc, so that they are not relying on someone else for all of their emotional and spiritual needs. If one reaches that point, they can see that their partner is human with their own failings. They can't read minds.

This is a valid point, and it is advice a lot of people need to hear so they can distinguish between whether they are neglected, or simply aren't seeing what their true needs are. But there are circumstances where it is more than just a feeling. There is a type of love you can only get from an involved partner. And if you're not getting that, it's time to question why you're with someone to begin with? Hopefully it's not just sex. If that's the case, one is better off being self-sufficient.

 

I can have friends, I can have spirituality, I can have a fulfilling career. But I can also have those things without a relationship. If I want someone to be pragmatic and give me constructive criticism, there are therapists for that. Heck, even one's boss at work can do that much. One should be able to go into a relationship and hope to be fulfilled by (and I would argue, beyond) what they put into it. True neglect is when that doesn't happen.

[Koglin]

There is always a way to leave. Do so and then find happiness with someone else.

[Fudgie]

Oh don't get me wrong, I don't want to sound like I'm promoting marital rape or anything (I'm not). I think though that if one partner's libido goes down and for so long that the other partner isn't getting their needs met, then I think it's the low-libido partner's responsibility to seek out help to make them desire sex and intimacy more. Of course, they may both need to work (if there are emotional issues involved with both) but it's just ONE partner who has problems and the other doesn't, then the other partner needs to work on it.

 

I'm honestly appalled at the number of women who think it's okay to just have sex ~10x a year and expect their husband to be happy when they before had more frequent sex. YEAH RIGHT.

 

I don't think any of this justifies cheating though. I just think neglect is bad, and it's a bad action. The communication is key. If I had a partner withdrawing from me without telling me what was going on, I will absolutely blame them, yes, not so much for neglect but the NOT telling me. And if they refused help, I'd have them take fault in the divorce and I would get the most compensation. I'm past the age for disorders such as schizo to rear their head...personality disorders are often prevalent within earlier years rather than "showing up suddenly" in later adulthood. This is why it's so important for people to know their partners well before marriage.