HELP!!! Boyfriend's financially supporting his mom!!!

[applestoranges]

I am new to this site and feel like I have no where else to turn/seek advise! Here it goes:

 

My boyfriend (26 going on 27) and I (21) have been together for two years and for the past year he and I have shared a 2bdroom 2 bath apartment with his mother. In the beginning, it did not bother me that much that she lived with us because she was hardly ever at home, so it was like we had the place to ourselves and I did not exactly understand how much she contributed (financially) and how much my boyfriend helped her. Also his mom is the type of person that is very timid/shy and will be very nice to your face because she CANNOT stand up for herself or tell people how she really feels (and cannot deal with conflict ) but will go behind your back and tell other people when she has a problem with you. She has even gone so far as to ask my boyfriend to call certain companys that she owes money to, (to discuss when she will be able to pay her bill, etc.) because she said she just is too "nervous and anxious" to deal with problems, so tries to get my boyfriend to deal with all of her bull * * * * .

 

My bf and I have discussed getting engaged within the next few years, which has made me begin to think of EVERYTHING in our relationship - not just the "love" part. His mom over the course of the past year, has stopped paying the same amount of rent she used to and has pushed ALL of the bills possible onto my bf and I. He pays $600 in rent per month (bc he makes the most $), I pay $300 (varies though, sometimes as high as $500 if his mom can't pay) and she pays whatever she can afford (which is ALWAYS less than what I pay, a great deal less). This leaves my boyfriend and I having to pay for what she can't and has been causing tension and stress! And before I go any further, his mom is 53 - she is perfectly healthy and able to work (she goes out every night with her boyfriend). She has two jobs (technically), but one is just helping out a family friend water plants at various business offices (so pay isn't that great or stable) and the second job is a part time retail gig (she gets 20 hours MAX if lucky a week)...she will complain she has no money and then give away like 10 hours worth of shifts at her retail job because her "back hurts". Then, she will spend money on clothes, her boyfriend, even things for making SCRAP BOOKS - but she does not have enough money to help out with bills? She came in our room this morning and ask my bf if she could have $100 - he didn't even question her, he just said "oh yeah, no problem, I'll give you a check later." AH! My boyfriend works 40+ hours a week at a office type job that he HATES and bairly makes enough to get by and I work also 40+ hours a week as an office admin making ok money, and he and I are both trying to complete our college educations by taking night classes so things are tight right now..having his mom act like a helpless 2 year old, sitting on her kiester ALL damn day while I'm at work and then at school - PISSES ME OFF! BTW: I have even talked to people at my company and found job intereviews for her to go to, becasuse she says her jobs don't give her enough hours (ha) and she just doesn't go...says that she "forgot about it". So she doesn't really want help, she just wants to be lazy...

 

 

 

He lived with his mom when I met him because he said she needed his help financially - which back then I had no idea HOW much help and of course I was younger and more naive so I thought it was "sweet" he took care of his mom. But a year later, he is saying he doesn't think he and I will be able to move out from living with his mom anytime soon because he says we are not financially responsible and his mom needs help financially. When I try to talk to him about how living with his mom still is hendering US from starting our future together by footing the bills of her every month - he just says "how? how is that affecting what we have? It's not... you're trying to push all of your anger off onto my mom." WOAH - totally inaccurrate..and totally NOT the type of response I should be hearing from a guy I am considering committing the REST OF MY LIFE TO!

 

His mom has even recently had a heart-to-heart with me and said "I know I have not been trying as hard as I could to get another job or make more money, and it's time for mommy to stand on her own to feet so her son can grow up and start a life with you. I feel bad when I take advantage of people that are honestly trying to help me, and I know that I'm doing it..I just need to be stronger" A few days later, she is back in our room asking him for more money (that he doesn't have). AH!!

 

SO - here comes the second part of my dilemma: he has been giving ME a hard time about how much $ I have in my savings account. He keeps saying he thinks we need to each have a certain amount saved ( a few grand) before we can get our own place. I have more in my savings than he does and lately he has been VERY nasty towards me saying things like, "well if you were more motivated and weren't so bad at saving money we wouldn't have to live with my mom anymore..." I feel that this is not the case, but he is unwilling to see or except ANY of his faults (another big red flag...) How come it is OK for him to give his mom money and cater to her needs/sugar coat EVERYTHING for her..but he is so mean, nasty and down right just hard on me? It's ok for her to suck all of his money that is supposed to be saved for OUR future, but the second he sees I don't have as much saved as I had planned previously (still have a good amount) he is very mean and yells at me?

 

Is this situation fixable, or am I just screwed??? I know the first step to making it work (if possible) long-term is to move out from his mom, we need to be on our own..but it's getting to that point that I'm struggling with!! He doesn't seem to admit that he needs to stop helping his mom and as long as he's putting his money out there for the taking, she is going to continue to take advantage as long as she can. Please help, any advice would be much appreciated!

 

I feel like most responses are going to say - you can lead a horse to water, but can't make him drink...if he's still doing this at 27(almost) then either get over it, or find another man... but I can't just get over it...and I really want to try to make this work..

[agent1607307371]

Does he want to make it work?

[abitbroken]

if his parents are divorced and she got nothing or his mom is widowed and he is the only child, he might feel guilty or obligated.

 

The important thing is to establish what is going to happen when you get married. If he anticipates that mom will live with you guys and you will be supporting her, you can be alerted to that and leave him if that doesn't work for you. If the mom truly has financial issues that stem from emotional problems, i could see whre he would say "we will give mom $150 a month for x amount of time" or whatever, but she shouldn't be treated like his wife or child being doled out money.

 

I think its important to get to the root of the matter and find out why he feels obligated to help her out in the manner that he does.

 

The only way i can see this working is if mom lives in an in-law apartment so you can have your own spaces or she lives with a sibling or someone else, with him paying a certain bill.

 

I think that right now you need to not focus on "making this work" as far as you rolling over and seeing how you can get yourself to like this, but being honest and if you are miserable with it, be honest with yourself. If this is the same arrangement when you are married, it could get worse when mom and hubby make financial decisions together and nothing you can say because you were fine with it.

 

I would clearly ask what he expects and I would state your concerns, and if things don't change to a livable situation that does not end with a married couple with their own lives and privacy like you want, then end it.

[SarahRose]

I am wondering where you live that you pay $1100 a month for an apartment? Can't you all find something less expensive?

 

You know I am going to side with him taking care of his mom as she is his mom and she took care of him for all his life and raised him up and yes kids are obligated to take care of their parents.

 

You 2 are young able bodied kids just starting your careers. His mom probably has limited skills and plus she is in her 50s now so why shouldn't she get a break.

[abitbroken]

I am wondering where you live that you pay $1100 a month for an apartment? Can't you all find something less expensive?

 

You know I am going to side with him taking care of his mom as she is his mom and she took care of him for all his life and raised him up and yes kids are obligated to take care of their parents.

 

You 2 are young able bodied kids just starting your careers. His mom probably has limited skills and plus she is in her 50s now so why shouldn't she get a break.

 

There is a difference between honoring your parents and not having boundaries with your parents. if mom walks into their bedroom while they are in there asking for money, the boundaries stink. There is the level of wrong of just walking into a couple's bedroom as far as privacy and there is the issue of just handing mom money with no question whenever therefore enabling her. What happens when he is married and its THEIR money? I can see if his mom had a learning or physical disability and didn't have groceries - then you buy mom a bag of groceries or but doling out cash does not help her. People at any age can learn better money management, to not indulge themselves with treats like a child and then not pay bills. There are people who are 55-65 that start their own businesses - so the age is not an argument. And scrapbooking is expensive!

 

If the OP does not want a life like this, there is compromise or leaving. It should not be that she should just accept this if it makes her very uncomfortable and resentful. Mom will be around for the next maybe 30-40 years of their marriage living with them. So it is a big decision.

[Ms Darcy]

.You are not going to like my reply but this is hardly a surprise. You moved in with a man who was living with his mom and supporting her. His mindset is and always has been that she comes first and he has not set up boundaries. You can continue to be naive but you will continually be blamed in this situation. Do not focus on his mom. This isnt about his Mom. This is about him and his inability to be emotionally independent from her. My best advice to you is to remember that you are an individual. You can and should make proper decisions about your own future. This man is not a good marriage candidate ... and I suspect he would probably drag out the dating process and sabatoge his realtionship with you to avoid changing the situation. For you ... you need to MOVE OUT. Seriously. You do not have to break up yet but you need to get away from this.

[lavenderdove]

Sadly i think there is nothing much you can do here other than set specific dates, as in you intend to move out on date X and he can make his decision then whether he is going to live independently from him mother then and come with you or whether he is going to continue on this same path.

 

There are some people who will live with their parents their whole lives and expect their spouse to accept it. And if his mother is very dependent, there's a good chance that even if you move out and marry, as soon as you marry he'll move her right into your house and you are in the position of either having to accept it or else divorce him.

 

It is ridiculous of him to accuse you of not saving money while he hands huge wads to his mother. He's making it clear that he thinks that not only he should support his mother, but your salary should go to supporting her as well (i.e., you need to compensate and fill the gap for any money he shills out on his mother).

 

I think you need to decide what your bottom line is... and if having his Mom living with you or financially dependent on you is not acceptable, then frankly i think this guy is not the right guy for you. I do know people who make the decision to move parents in when they are very old and infirm, but his mother is able bodied and can in theory take care of herself but instead she chooses to rely on her son and he lets her. And I do know people who are willing to contribute some money to help support a parent who doesn't live with them and agree to a certain amount and are fine with that if they can afford it, but you need to decide whether you are willing to live with her and/or support her financially, either of those because it sounds like he expects you to do both, and you will be making sacrifices for her for as long as she lives if he decides you as a couple must do this.

 

You've only been with him a year, so i wouldn't get involved any deeper with him til this is resolved. Pick a date you intend to move out and tell him how you feel, that you do not want to live with his mother and you cannot get serious or stay with him if he can't resolve this and be OK with that. Tell him that she can get roommates if she doesn't want to live alone, and she can learn to live within her means rather than depending on the two of you, but you are just not willing to live in a situation where you support her for the next 30 years because you have other goals like getting married and having kids etc. and don't want her living with you in a group family situation and consuming a lot of the family budget. If he won't agree to that, then you have to accept that though you may have many things about him you think are great, his mommy issues are not tolerable and you don't want to live in a group family situation your whole life so that part is just not compatible and you need to find someone else.

[Snny]

But a year later, he is saying he doesn't think he and I will be able to move out from living with his mom anytime soon because he says we are not financially responsible and his mom needs help financially.

 

...How come it is OK for him to give his mom money and cater to her needs/sugar coat EVERYTHING for her..but he is so mean, nasty and down right just hard on me? It's ok for her to suck all of his money that is supposed to be saved for OUR future, but the second he sees I don't have as much saved as I had planned previously (still have a good amount) he is very mean and yells at me?

Truthfully, engagement is completely out of the question once he says and does these. His mother is always going to be in the picture and is very financially reliant on him like she is his wife. It's one thing if she lost her job... but she works two jobs and blows it on dates and hobbies? F that. Parent-adult children relationships like these always mean the child's spouse come second.