Women making the first move: A yes or a no?

[Tinkerbell]

Hey everybody,

Whenever one of my girl friends tells me she's into a guy, I always suggest that they take the first step somehow by either flirting, suggesting hanging out more, or if they're really brave, kissing them. However, I do not see many guys on this forum talking about women taking the first step, and I was wondering whether or not you like this or do you prefer to be the one taking the initiative?

[splendidlylost]

I'm honestly fine one way or another.

 

Here's why I like her to make the first move:

1- It takes out SO much of the guesswork. On my side, at least.

2- If I'm already at that point with a girl, I'm going to reciprocate.

3- It shows that she's a proactive person, and that I won't be the one doing

all the 'work' in the relationship.

 

For me to make the first move is something that requires some heavy motivation on my part. I'm always unsure of it until I see/hear something that completely confirms the suspicions I already have.

 

I've been about half/half with who makes the first move.

[slider]

It's perfectly fine to take the 1st step, however, women should do it in a different manner than men. Women should show interest, give subtle hints. aggressive women will only appeal to the desperate men. If you come accross a confident man (such as I ) too aggressively, it's a definite turn off. Flirt with confidence and a sexy attitude - use a lot of eye contact. The confident guy will catch on.

[confuzedboy89]

personally i like it when a girl makes the first move. it takes alot of the stress off.

[DaXMan]

I'm honestly fine one way or another.

 

Here's why I like her to make the first move:

1- It takes out SO much of the guesswork. On my side, at least.

2- If I'm already at that point with a girl, I'm going to reciprocate.

3- It shows that she's a proactive person, and that I won't be the one doing

all the 'work' in the relationship.

 

For me to make the first move is something that requires some heavy motivation on my part. I'm always unsure of it until I see/hear something that completely confirms the suspicions I already have.

 

I've been about half/half with who makes the first move.

 

I feel the same way.

 

But I think in the end, (remember, this is from a guy's point of view) the one who will be asking out must make the first move - it's the only way things get done.

[shes2smart]

Well, in theory the woman making the first move sounds good. It sounds fair. It sounds like something that should be just fine for a society that professes to believe in equality of the sexes. In my experience, it's not a good idea. Of the relationships I have had, those that I initiated were not as good as the ones that the guy initiated. Perhaps that has to do with the type of relationship I was ultimately seeking, or the type of men I was choosing (as opposed to the men who chose me).

 

About 8 to 10 years ago, this book called "The Rules" was published. For the most part, I STRONGLY disagreed with it. It advocated a lot of things I saw as game playing and that's just not my style. However, I was able to take away 2 very useful points from it.

 

1. The rule of "NEXT!" If a man is not treating you well at the beginning of a relationship, move on to the next one. How you start is how it will continue. So, if he's saying he'll call and doesn't or is not really listening to you at the beginning, it won't get better with time. If, God forbid, he is being emotionally or physically abusive at the beginning, that definitely won't get better with time.

 

I cannot even begin to tell you how much time that one rule saved me.

 

2. Let him do the pursuing. You just concentrate on living a full life. If you're interested, by all means, indicate that clearly...but leave the first move and the pursuing to him.

 

I've noticed a huge difference in the way men treat a woman they perceive as a "prize" as to one who is easily available. I've been on both extremes of that spectrum and all points in between. It's MUCH better to be treated as the "prize" to be won, rather than being treated as the one who's easily available.

[i_hate_the_world47]

In my opinion,i think its all men and women for themselves.If the man wants to make the first move,in my opinion,then he needs to work for it.In my opinion thouhg,i thik its ok to have the girl make the firs move.Interesting topic.

 

~Meagan~

[Stinkweed]

I think it's perfectly ok either way. But, I mean, there's so many of us guys that who are never approached by girls like that, and since we're shy, we have to struggle to be able to approach them instead... That's at least how it happens most of the time with ppl around my age... I mean, maybe when we're older, women will forget that, and since it's harder to meet ppl than when you're a student, then they approach guys more often... Or maybe I'm just assuming too much. Either way, I don't care... I just hope that I have the courage to approach my next crush, b/c I know for a fact, that, like always, she won't be the one taking the first step... Good luck and best wishes to everyone.

 

P.S. sorry if anything I said is terribly wrong, but I make mistakes and I'm ignorant when it comes to these things...

[Just A Teen]

I Think A Girl can theres nothing wrong with it... guys are expected to do a lot in the relationship... There always suppose to be romantic and everythign so the first move isn't bad...

[mtastic]

I wouldn't mind either way. I agree with many of the other posters, that for alot of us shy people, the girl making the first move would take alot of the pressure off.

 

I also have to say that shes2smart raises a good point, that a man would generally treat a "prize" better than an "easy" girl, although i don't think that a gril who makes the first move toward a relationship is necessarily "easy," although i must say there is definitely more satisfaction on my part if i make the first move and she responds positively. I'm not sure how that would affet the way i treat a girl though, as i have yet to have a girl make a move on me.

 

Just my opinion,

mtastic

[drahcir]

Well its important that both of them like each other before they get together. Any case when either the guy makes the first move or the girl, the other partner may have accepted simply to be nice and not because they really like that person. Its not so much who makes the first move that counts, but whether both of them really do care about each other of just "giving it" because no one else made the first move first (if that makes any sense?)

[Mun]

I'm kinda shy around men, because of this I don't usually make any first moves. I've had pretty good relationships even when we argued (or I was clingy and needy..yuk ) there was still respect... and I think it had to do with the fact that they persued me and made the first move.

[Empathy]

I've always been told that guys prefer that girls make the first move. That makes it easier on me. If they don't mind me making the first move, then I don't mind making the first move.

[vfunkera]

I think to some extent girls already do make the first moves through attraction and flirting. Its usually women who show interest first through body language, the guys have just got to notice it and then crush that pointless barrier that is their fear of rejection. And vice versa.

 

Women making the first move would certainly make life easier. I would hold much more respect and love for her if she went for something she wanted instead of leaving it all to me. I would judge 'easy girl' on her behaviour and not necessarily on her wanting me.

 

At the end of the day both men and women are shy and fear rejection. The man making the first move started when there wasn't equality between men and women, and men were more 'powerful'. Now that there is equality, its great to see this dated 'rule' being debated.

[PfcPotts]

I dont know. I dont care. Girls have me absolutly confused, they are the most chaotic force in the universe. You can never predict what they are going to say or do, you cant get them to tell you how they really feel. Im just about to give up. If I see a girl I like I talk to her, why cant she do the same, unless she doesnt want to have any involvement. IT REALLY WOULD TAKE OUT THE GUESSWORK AND ALL THE GAMES. I never know what girls want, I care, I ask, but i cant find out. Its just a neverending paradox of games and guessing and figuring a girl out, then by the time you marry them and have kids you die from the stress... Oh well...

[Empathy]

Wow, Potts. You sound about as negative about the ladies as I do about the guys. We should have a talk to see if we can't cancel eachother's negative feelings out. lol

[WadeCure]

Personally, I love it when a girl makes the first move. Especially seeing as I am pretty shy.

[Tinkerbell]

Hmm, the whole women making the first move sounded like a very good idea until I read shes2smart post. I don't want my friends coming off as "easy," and I certainly wouldn't want to come off as easy either! I've heard some people say that half the fun is in the chasing of the guy/girl, but personally, I can't see myself "chasing" after someone. I'd leave it at if you don't want me, that's too bad for you!

 

I think the main issue here is whether or not the person is outgoing. Seems like the majority of the guys who are all for women making the first move are the guys who are shy or who have self-esteem problems. However, and this is directed to both men and women, what if the person you were with made the first move and you weren't interested in them in that way? God, that must be awkward...

 

Also, for those men who voted for women making the first move, which would you prefer? Holding your hand, kissing you, telling you how she feels, or something else?

[tiger_lilies]

Ever since I broke up with my ex, I've found myself becoming more and more confident with myself. So confident in fact, that I actually made the first move on a guy that I've been crushing on for a while. This was my first time being so forward with a guy. Normally I wait for the guy to ask me out.

 

Well, even though it was really hard...I went right up to him and volunteered my phone number. He happily accepted and we've been chatting over the phone for a while now...we even went on our first casual date!

 

Having the confidence to make the first move is extremely empowering. It's way better than being shy.

 

I don't think that just because I made the first move, that I am easy. I know what I want now and I am no longer afraid to go after what I want.

[LostInTranslation]

I personally love when women make the first move - both when meeting someone or becoming intimate. Women get offers multiple times a day - where men may not get any. Being approached by a woman relieves more of the pressure because the choice of a relationship is the woman's decision in most cases.

 

I read somewhere that men may pick which woman he wants, but women ultimately choose the man. So when a woman approaches the man, he has basically been chosen.

 

It also depends on how a woman presents herself as far as the whole idea of being "easy." I believe every man has had contact with an "easy" woman at one point and time in his life and can easily sense when he's dealing with one. But I also believe that attraction can be so strong at times, that women break their own rules and may end up kissing or more when they first meet a guy they really like.

 

Everyone loves the chase, but men experience more risk than women. ~Tinkerbell~ said,

I can't see myself "chasing" after someone. I'd leave it at if you don't want me, that's too bad for you!

Looking at your photo, I'm sure there is a line for men wanting to "chase" you everywhere you go. As confident as I am about myself, I see beautiful women (appearance-wise) all the time and sometimes don't make a move because of the intimidation factor or risk of rejection. I will give the woman a look and if she likes it, I'm hoping she comes over and talks to me. If not, I think I did all I could.

 

I have had multiple appraoches by women and I remember every single one of them, even if I wasn't interested in them, because I was so flattered by their attempt of wanting to meet me. So many women today believe in the old-fashioned way of thinking that a man should approach a woman. Women should take more initiative to make connections because as much as women believe a man may be passing up on a good thing, the same can easily be said the other way around.

 

As far as first moves, I prefer the holding hands. If it's in a loud environment like a bar or club, I really like close talking where we kind of touch cheek to cheek. This provides a high level of flirting from the contact. A kiss at the end of the night, if significant time has been spent together, would also be nice and not looked at as "easy."

 

Good luck to all those still seaching for their soulmates.

[shes2smart]

Hmm, the whole women making the first move sounded like a very good idea until I read shes2smart post. I don't want my friends coming off as "easy," and I certainly wouldn't want to come off as easy either! I've heard some people say that half the fun is in the chasing of the guy/girl, but personally, I can't see myself "chasing" after someone. I'd leave it at if you don't want me, that's too bad for you!

 

You've got both parts of it right there. Appearing sexually easy is never good -- unless sex is ALL you're looking for in which case, go for it. Although after reading some of the posts here, I'd throw this caution in: If you don't understand how your body's reproductive system & the reproductive system of the opposite sex works, and you're not mature, self-respecting, or disciplined enough to use birth control and practice safer sex you shouldn't be having sex, period. It's like playing with a loaded gun when you've had no training in firearms safety.

 

Secondly, does anyone really want to become involved with someone who is too available -- i.e. seems to have no life what so ever? Think about it a minute -- someone with no hobbies, no interests, no other friends, their only goal is to "find someone"....boring at best, clingy psycho-stalker waiting to happen at worst.

 

Really, the whole boy-girl thing works better if we focus on self-improvement first -- developing a variety of interests, becoming a decent human being, practicing honesty in all areas of our lives. We attract who we are....so if we are psychological train wreck, guess who we're going to attract. Any time you invest in your own development as a person is NEVER wasted, and will eventually lead you to and/or attract similarly healthy, functional individuals.

 

If you're in a bitter man/woman-hatin' phase...say after a nasty break-up, it doesn't matter how great a person you meet at that point--you will find something "wrong" with them because of where your own mind is at. I lived through about a year's worth of bitter, man-hating mind set....nothing with a penis could do anything right in my eyes during that year. It wasn't until I turned my focus inward -- and dealt with my own crap -- that I was able to extend any sort of compassion or decency to others.

 

Enough rambling....my lunch hour's about up.

[swedeace]

*raises hand*

 

I'm an example of a "female making her move to get a guy to notice her." I didn't even intend to make it so far as to asking out my MAJOR crush, but I did.....

 

Why did I do it? Well, I was having such a major crush on this guy that I eventually realized, "Why not take the risk!" I wanted to know for *myself* if I could do it. I know a lot of girls are scared to go up and ask for themselves. I was so in tuned with my crush that I didn't want to just "sit around" and wait to see if he "took the hint" I liked him. It's like going no where and would take forever. It's frustrating, so I did flirt and tried to talk, but it wasn't until I decided to just "go for it" and I did.

 

I was complimented on by both males AND females who have told me I had "balls" to go up and do a thing like that! And some who have told me they were impressed because not even they (who are more people confronters than I am, by all means!) wouldn't EVEN do a thing like that... So it felt like such a wonderful, major accomplishment in a chapter of my life. Now I know I *can* do it!

[CarterJonas]

hi Tinkerbell,

 

I have had women make the first move on me and I have made the first move on women; I see no problem with either.

 

always suggest that they take the first step somehow by either flirting, suggesting hanging out more, or if they're really brave, kissing them.

Flirting, laughing, preferential treatment lol, even asking out on a date is ok. I don't think you can go up to a stranger though and kiss them straight... I guess I would get a slap for doing that!!!

[swedeace]

I totally agree about the kissing....

 

I did everything else... the flirting, the chatting, the smiling, the offering a cold Frapp (you gotta read my story about that! It amuses so many people! EXCEPT.... the kissing.... I wouldn't have done that and I'm glad I did NOT think about that during my crush stages mainly because of the outcome, it would have made for hard feelings and embarrassment between the two of us....

[ComputerGuy]

OK, I prefer the girl to make the first move for 2 reasons:

 

1) I'm shy - Although it's easy for me to talk to girls in general (in fact I can talk to girls easier than guys), when I like a girl it suddenly becomes near-on impossible for me to talk to her. I hate it but that's how it is. I have a fear of rejection and I know its stupid and I should get over it, believe me I'm trying, but its easier said then done. If the girl approaches me, I feel less intimidated by the whole situation and I can talk comfortably.

 

2) I'm dumb - I have no idea how to tell when a girl is interested in me. I know the signs to look for, and I can pick when girls are interested in other people, but when it comes to me, I just have absolutely no idea. I used to think that no girl ever looked at me (apparently I was wrong) and I think that is a part of my problem....my subconscious still has that ingrained in it a little. If a girl just came up and asked me out or did something stupidly obvious to show me she's interested, it would make things so much easier. If she came up and kissed me...wow...that would definitely get my attention.