Past mistakes hurting my relationship

[im_the_undead]

My bf and I broke up in the summer for a while.. maybe for 3 months? maybe more.. I can't say to be exact. We kept in touch, kind of, but he went his separate way and I went mine. He claims all he did was grieve my loss, I believe it, but I also believe he was out partying and drinking with his friends, and flirting with other girls. Why? Because he got arrested for drinking underage and coming to my house at 4 in the morning to be dramatic.. and because when we got back together, his facebook messages were open and I noticed a LOT of girls were messaging him, be flirty, hitting on him, and asking when they'd get to hang out again. We were not officially together then, so what ev. Point it, I know he wasn't ONLY sitting in his room crying over me, the way I had for the first month.

 

After his drunken outrage at 4 in the morning.. I grew to hate him and decided I'd date a neighbor of mine who'd been perusing me. After a couple of months with that guy, we were "exclusively" only seeing ea. other, or so I thought, and eventually we had sex. I don't necessarily think it was the right thing to do, because looking back, I know the guy used me.. and he knew I was heart broken, confused, hurt, lost, angry... he comforted me in my time of need, used the death of his ex gf to have me around comforting him..... and in time I felt he was a genuine person and for a second, thought I was falling for him. One thing led to the next I should have been more... suspicious or just... wiser. But I let dark times and sweet words get the best of me.

 

Anyway, we broke up, and down the road my ex and I SOMEHOW met again and talked about things....... the flame just......... Idk? All my feelings for him came seeping back. For him, too. We've always loved each other, but things happen in life that pull people apart and then bring them back together.

 

Before we went any further, I confessed to him about what happened while we were broken up. It destroyed him, his confidence, trust in me, ect. I thought honesty was the fair way to go so he'd have the chance to decide whether I was worth being with or not. I didn't want to hide the truth and live a lie the way most people do. I'd want the truth ! He ended up wanting to be with me....... I thought that meant he'd forgive me, or work towards it, but everyday is hell. He hurts so much everyday.. and blames me for supposedly being the one that went looking for him after. He's going through the same gut wrenching disgust I went through when I lost my virginity to him, and then learned about his previous affairs that happened right before dating me. He told me about them because his ex hook up contacted me and I saw naked pictures of her.. and it traumatized me, so he flat out told me everything. I suffered a lot, I got mentally and physically sick, and now he's going through the same (though I visibly SEE he's much stronger and healthier than I was... I literally fell Ill), except I offered him no details because I know details hurt and are unnecessary.

 

Anyway, even though we weren't together at that time (we were both doing our own things in our own world), he considers what I did the ultimate betrayal and gives me a hard time ALL of the time. If I mention an Ex FRIEND, that has nothing to do with the other guy, he flips out, oh because it reminds him of the "guy." If I curse or something, he flips out.. because I sound like a sl*t or something in his opinion, and that reminds him of the other guy. Today I was talking about how the Subway sandwich was really big... I mentioned it being "12 inches long," and he got upset because of the connotations to my comment, and didn't talk to me the rest of the night. I get he's hurting, but he won't tell me anything that I can do to help him get his confidence back or make things better. I WANT things to work....... I've even had sex with him and kissed on him and been mushy with him (Something I struggled with for a long time) and nothing I do seems to be good enough for him. I don't feel like we're moving forward...... but he won't let me go and he knows I love him and my guilt makes me want to make things better.... But then again, I get angry because what the hell ?!? he messed up a lot, too ! And I honestly NEVER cheated on him, ever. I don't know what to do to fix things or what to say to him to make him realize that he's not helping our relationship, he's hurting it. He's hurting it because he's fighting with me all of the time over his feelings..... doesn't give us a chance to just LOVE, unless if he wants to MAKE LOVE, then it's a whole other story....... My heart breaks every time he says something about how I screwed him over... he shouldn't have taken me back but he did... and I want him... so now I'm left to deal with these horrible fights and words.. I feel like such a sl*t... then again, I feel like there are too many double standards.

[cbzfmoc]

Wait, sorry, I do not see what you did wrong? You were with the other guy, but you and your ex were broken up then, correct?

[doiiiieeezie]

He needs to let go of the past in order for you two to have a future, and i know that's cliche but... you two were broken up. Some people cannot get over the past and it seems he is the one who should be posting this issue and seeking help.

[jumper11]

He needs to let it go. You were broken up. I've slept with one person in the year we were broken up, and he learned he has to get over it. Its as simple as, is the person or event more important - if he is mature, he'll know the person is more important.

 

You did NOTHING wrong. I did the same as you. Also honesty is great but don't feel you have to tell him absolutely everything - you broke up. I don't go into detail over my short relationship I had and I wouldn't with the guy.

[secretlife]

Omg, no no no no, you did nothing wrong. You and him were broken up. No, that is just unfair of him. What does he expect you do when you and him were broken up? Stay miserable? That's not a healthy love. That's a posessive love.

And you didn't know if you and him would be back together or not. So it's not fair how he's treating you.

You did nothing wrong, once again. He needs to chill out. You and him are back together, you are loyal, you did not cheat on him, he has his woman, so he needs to calm down, let the peace happen, and enjoy it.

If he is going to treat you like that, then you might want to reconsider if he is the right person for you.

I hope the best for you.

[In the Dark]

I can not see his view of you after being with that guy doing any favors for your self esteem as it is now.

As it seems there is no one else but you to tell him that his thoughts are unreasonable, it is impossible to tell how long it will be before lets go.

[im_the_undead]

geez, this whole time I sympathized with him because if I were in his shoes, I'd be traumatized even more. then again, if I were in his shoes...I wouldn't have taken him back, and he knows or assumes that, and somehow uses it against me. like I should be thankful he took me back... well, I am in a way but his resentment isnt helpful.... another thing is, he excuses his behavior with mine from a couple years ago...when I lost my virginity and all those things happened... I got sick and became angry, so he says I have no room to talk or tell him to let it go.. but I feel like we've grown since then...guess not ?

[In the Dark]

Well you have our rational statements which I feel do make sense, but when we love someone we can do, say and put up with things which we would never do if looked at it from an outside perspective.

 

If he wants this relationship to work, then he would let go, instead of holding this past situation above your head to give him the upper hand in some way.

Possibly to make you agree and feel obliged to follow rather than be as an equal with him.

 

Sure you will have grown since then, but that doesn't change the situation of the relationship.

 

As I mention in the last post, it appears the only one to say anything is you but since he has that leverage held above your head for you past irrational behavior, he will always have the upper hand in a negative way which in turn will cause this relationship to run the way he wants it to be run for the most part even if it is right or wrong.

 

Ultimately what he is doing is irrational and unreasonable and if this relationship is ever going to be something which makes you happy, he needs to let go of that leverage he has over you so you can feel like his equal.

[Snny]

Anyway, even though we weren't together at that time (we were both doing our own things in our own world), he considers what I did the ultimate betrayal and gives me a hard time ALL of the time.

It's funny he sees it this way. Remember, he befriended a bunch of girls on Facebook who flirted with him while he was in a relationship with you. Hmmmmmmmmmm.

 

If I curse or something, he flips out.. because I sound like a sl*t or something in his opinion, and that reminds him of the other guy. Today I was talking about how the Subway sandwich was really big... I mentioned it being "12 inches long," and he got upset because of the connotations to my comment, and didn't talk to me the rest of the night.

Oh Jesus Christ, really? Ugh, that is so annoying and pathetic on his part. He's overreacting big time and acting like a baby. Call him out on it. He doesn't need to rub it in your face or he's done. Period.

 

I WANT things to work....... I've even had sex with him and kissed on him and been mushy with him (Something I struggled with for a long time) and nothing I do seems to be good enough for him. I don't feel like we're moving forward

....

My heart breaks every time he says something about how I screwed him over... he shouldn't have taken me back but he did... and I want him... so now I'm left to deal with these horrible fights and words.. I feel like such a sl*t... then again, I feel like there are too many double standards.

Hate to say this but if he doesn't let go of these issues, you cannot pursue a relationship with this man. No man should make you feel dirty or turn things into a big deal than it is. You deserve better treatment and he needs to grow up. If I were you I would express how emotionally tired I am of dealing with his insecurities and nitpicking, and that I wouldn't be quite sure if I can stay in a relationship with him until he stops the unnecessary overreaction and behavior. Throw that ball in his court and let him know that you are through with his attitude.

[im_the_undead]

All of you guys are so right ! And not only because you're technically siding with me, but because I have a male friend whose girl friend committed the same mistake during their small break, and he was able to look past it for the sake of reconstructing his relationship. I admit when I was 17/18 I was emotionally immature & unprepared to face the things I would.....things affected me WAY too much and resonated within me when I should have been making myself hard, but I'm trying to change that and just sucking it up... I'm at least taking anxiety medications so I won't freak the heck out! I've sought counseling and gone to church (even though it's hella awkward & uncomfortable to go there thanks to the haters), but I've been looking for direction. I've encouraged him to do so, I've even called people up to make appointments for him, but since they were out of the office, he never bothered to try again. I am getting so angry with him and my desire to be with him that I feel I might do something irrational. I could just............................. punch a wall and shoot a man in the butt. I am so IRRITATED by his nagging about just, EVERYTHING. All I nag about these days is food & being hungry or making sure the toilet stays clean.. he needs to cut it to a minimum. -_________-