Is the pain really because of them?

[stevef20]

Guys,

 

I was dumped in December 2010 and for those of you that know my story you will know I was hit soooo very hard.

Christmas and New year were awful even a year on (2011) and I thought to myself this is never going to end.

I'm here today though to question just what it is that prolongs our pain because after all this time I finally believe it isn't them, the dumper, its actually us, its the fact that we miss being in a relationship, we miss cuddles, companionship, holding hand whilst out walking, intimacy, friendship and even just having someone to moan at. We get used to these things, they become our way of life and so when we lose someone we lose ourselves too, think about it...

I know we hurt over our lost loves and that it takes time to move on from them but please have a think now, especially those who have been through this for a while about what it is you actually miss.

Everyone will have an answer individual to themselves, mine for now is that I'm lonely and miss a relationship, I think im finally over her.

[quirky]

I don't know..I do feel that I miss specifically him. He is quite unusual and we had lots in common, I find this hard to come by. But yeah, I feel the past days that it all depends on how much I WANT to be happy and how much I want to live in this idealistic, melodramatic vision of love that's in my head. Sometimes we feel that hanging on to the pain is a sign of true love, of devotion that makes us feel special or justifies the time spent with them.

 

I have to say, the past days things are becoming clearer and that's a good thing. I'd like to gain some self esteem back too and working towards that helps.

 

I'm glad you feel you may be over her, that's great progress.

[stevef20]

It's been a very long time coming she and I'm are that even now ill have the odd day, I'm just not sure its about her anymore, it was for sure but now, I don't know.

 

We both need some self esteem, ill race you to find it

[Carus]

Hi Steve*

 

There is a framework called Attachment Theory which they have also observed in animals so it is a biological event...

 

Basically from when we are first born we start attaching ourselves to things: Our mother. Our father. A teddy bear. A blanket...etc...

 

This continues on as we grow.....

 

The problem comes when the attachment figure is threatened or even worse, removed....

 

What happens when you take the teddy bear a young child is playing with away?

 

And so, people experience different levels of pain through breakups according to their upbringing and the way they attach and detach from things that come in and out of their lives (Worden 2009).

 

Hope that answers your question, and todays lesson was brought to you by MY ex....I sure did learn a lot back down there in the fires of Tartarus

 

Ever Forward

Carus* 8-)

[journeynow]

I've been pondering along these lines lately.

 

I still miss the physical contact, especially wrapping arms around each other, being held, relaxing into that, not needing to speak. I'm think I'm past the painful part of letting go, but now and then feel nostalgic for the physical relationship (and other parts of the relationship, too). The other day while puttering about I glanced out the window and paused to take in the view. Something about it all, the setting, the lighting, the familiarity of it, the peacefulness I feel for this place, felt a bit like the feeling I'd been missing. For that moment I felt supported by my world, relaxed into it, no need to think or figure anything out. Like being held.

 

And I wondered about that, how I've associated that feeling with one source, one person, and perhaps that feeling isn't limited in that way. I still love the idea of being held, and all the physical sensations and emotional trust that comes with that, but don't want my life to be limited from that joy just because I am single and not ready for a new relationship. I don't know if I'm making sense, and I'm not discounting the pain of splitting up, but I'm more open to what is at the core of what I miss most, and how it can be nurtured.

[ProSkater12]

I think it's that constant companionship and that feeling of "no matter what happens, this person has my back" that we grow attached to. (It is a good feeling when things are going good.) I practically lived with my ex, and we had been through a lot. We grew up together, went from being teenagers to adults together, and did everything for the past 5 years together. If a breakup is onesided, the dumpee often feels a sense of loss, and then those feelings turn into feeling betrayed, which I think lasts a lot longer. When my Ex broke up with me recently, it was a huge change in lifestyle for me. In the past month and a half I've spent more time here at my mom's house more than I had for the past 2-3 years. But I've adjusted to that, and the main feelings I have now are anger and betrayal. I can adjust to life without my ex, but the feeling of betrayal is going to last quite awhile.

[Jeetsun]

Great perspective, Steve. This makes a lot of sense and is even further compounded by Carus bringing up attachment theory. This is certainly a new way to look at how we perceive and react to such loss and how we can absolutely create our own inner turmoil.

[Zack808]

Very well said journeynow

[Milsch]

I miss her. I suppose I'm in a 'rebound' right now (the new girl knows I'm still in love with my ex and is OK with it), so I get the whole kissing, cuddling, person to talk to, sex, etc. But it doesn't fill the huge gap in my life left by my ex. I miss her; her sense of humour, her beauty, her body, her mannerisms... everything. I know people say 'take them off the pedestal', but this girl actually deserves hers. No one is perfect, but if perfection exists she was as close to it (for me, anyway) as anyone can hope to get.

 

It doesn't help that I don't really find any other girls attractive since the BU, that no one before my ex ever made me feel attraction in the same way, that I blame myself for the BU happening in the first place, that she's with someone else, that she ignores me like I never existed, that I feel as though even if by some miracle I did meet another girl I could connect with in the same way I'm such a shell of a person right now that she'd run a mile if she had any sense...

[Musical77]

That's good to hear you are doing better Steve (-:

 

For me, I'm still stuck in the 'I miss him' phase. This is because I have never fallen for someone deeply before and I am 34. I have always been single, and I was fairly content with that (or at least philosophical about it!) because I didn't know any different and I've always filled my life with other things.

 

I wish this had happened to me when I was 18 because I feel I would have got over the breakup much quicker. It took me a long time to meet someone incredibly special and I know how hard it is to find someone on my wavelength. Honest to God, after experiencing that closeness with somebody I have no idea how I managed on my own for so long. So yes, I guess I do miss 'all the things' of being with someone. But the part I'm really struggling with is dealing with the loss of that special person who I could talk to for hours. I just loved being around him.

 

The grief for me has been compounded by the fact that it took me to this age to experience any physical intimacy with a guy and hence it was such a big deal. I am struggling to imagine feeling able to let go with anybody else, but that's a whole other thread!

[replytome]

I am feeling the exact same way Steve. Just now I was feeling great, and then I spoke to a friend who just made a mention of getting with girls and girlfriends and such, and it got me down which inevitably made me reference back to my ex. It's been 9 months for me, I hardly remember her unless I really close my eyes and think but the feeling of loneliness and the need for a connection and closeness is still there.

 

This bothers me, because I feel that unless I'm 100% content with being on my own, I'm too afraid to enter a relationship. I can't risk becoming dependent and attached. But then again, I wonder. As human beings, are we even biologically made to be capable of being content on our own? Maybe we do need someone to be attached to.

 

I'm too scared to enter a relationship, I'm worried I will become needy. With my ex, I became needy, and felt like time without her was just full of anxiety. That is NOT healthy, but how will I ever know if I'm ready for a relationship and not become like that...ugh...

[replytome]

Btw, it's not that I haven't gotten with girls and such since, but when I have I just felt depressed and empty/lonely the next day. It's as if I'm addicted to the connection and closeness. As if I can be neutral or sad alone, but happiness can only come if I am in a relationship. And I know this is bad, but I don't understand where on the spectrum between happiest alone - happiest in a relationship I SHOULD be. To me it seems like there's a fine line between needy and unhealthy and just enjoying being in a relationship.

 

Probably haven't expressed myself too clearly here. It's hard to put emotions into words, especially emotions that only come out once in a while.

 

And to add to this, I also really miss the feeling of being loved and admired by someone I myself love and admire. The only time being admired really matters, imo.

[italiannmf24]

You're right - the pain does not stem from the dumper. It genuinely depends on how much you have to fall back on, i.e. good friends, family, interests, hobbies, etc. that keep you busy whilst working through your own emotions and understanding why the break-up occurred in the first place. Everyone says to take time off and really start getting in touch with yourself, which is true, but if you're not willing to overcome these feelings, then the process will be extended by months, possibly years.

[stevef20]

Nice Posts buddy, i understand 100% what you mean and have much sympathy for you.

 

I met a girl a couple of weeks ago and liked her instantly, I've pushed her away already for all the reasons you mention, I was clingy, needy and just a nightmare from the outset. It hurts my friend and even that short flutter with feelings has ended up hurting me again.

I hope there us hope for us, I hope there is a loving future for us all for me work is needed and I've recognised that now and made positive steps by booking to see a therapist.

 

I know your pain friend, you're not alone

[stevef20]

You're so right Italian, its not until you understand this that you can truly start to heal.

[Musical77]

Sorry to hear that Steve.....but hey, at least you met someone whom you really liked, so you know that there is the potential there for you to find someone once you are ready (-: I hope you get some help from seeing a therapist. Kudos to you.

 

I do understand what everyone says here about needing to spend time to 'find yourself,' be with friends, family, pursue hobbies, work on yourself, etc, etc. It is true - but I also think you make some interesting points, Boreed, when it comes to 'happiness on the spectrum'.

 

It is absolutely true that you can be very happy being single (I have been) and indeed being in a relationship does not necessarily equal happiness. But having spent virtually all my life single, I still believe that as human beings we are generally wired to want and need to love and be loved and I don't just mean family/friends type love (which is also important but in a different way). I guess I'm just offering my perspective here.

 

I think it is important that we find happiness from within and that we know ourselves as people and do not rely solely on a partner for fulfilment, but all humans are flawed, have issues, problems or whatever and yes sometimes we do need someone. I guess there is 'needing' and 'needing'. We should not feel the need to be in a relationship for the sake of it, or need someone who treats us badly, but if we find someone we love then there is nothing wrong with needing that person at times in our relationship where we have problems, want to feel reassured, supported, etc. Love is not just about the other person. It is also not only about self. It is about both self and other and that includes needing each other. I feel confused about this notion that we have to perfect ourselves and our flaws before we can have a good healthy relationship with someone else. Yes, we should always try and be the best we can be, and work on problems we may have such as insecurity, but a relationship, imo, should not be about two individuals side by side, but two individuals together. You support and help each other through good times and bad.

 

Perhaps I'm too idealistic! Sorry for the rambling. Not easy to express what I'm trying to say.........

[stevef20]

I get you hon, what you're trying to say makes perfect sense, a relationship is a partnership, its not about 2 individuals living a singular life together, its as you say it, again tests just my opinion.

On the other side of the coin we have to be self happy too, not because of anything other than although we will have needs where we will call on a partner as this is only right but we cannot rely on them 100% for happiness, I've been there and done that and the result was over a year of deep hurt and ongoing issues.

 

Thanks for the comments st the start of your post hon.

[Musical77]

No worries Steve. Sure - I agree. Relying on someone 100% for happiness is not good and very unhealthy. I guess it's finding that balance! I worried that if I had not shown a little insecurity, maybe he would have not run a mile from me. But, you know what, that's me and I wasn't going to try and be something I'm not. I'm actually a pretty well-rounded individual and just quite insecure about one or two specific things. I'm a human being! For what it's worth, I don't think it is what caused him to dump me (he had probs of his own) but I do think it acted as a trigger.

 

No-one is happy and fulfilled all of the time and life has plenty of ups and downs and challenges. Whether we are single or in a relationship, it is important that we don't feel afraid to lean on those we love and who love us for support. And it works both ways - we must be prepared to be there for our partners, friends and family too. We are made as individuals, but individuals who have relationships with others (whether platonic, familial, romantic, etc).

 

I sometimes wonder if our western culture is too individualistic? Lots of family, relationship and community breakdown. I don't think reliance on others is always a bad thing. Just wanted to put it out there that should we not find a balance in life and relationships? I don't think it is healthy to be too needy, but it is equally unhealthy to profess that one does not need anyone either.

 

Rambling over lol!

 

To come back to your initial question - yes, I guess the pain is not necessarily just about them....it is about missing the companionship, intimacy, support, shared times, etc.. Nothing to feel bad about and totally normal to miss that. I miss the simple act of just holding hands. It was like I was bathed in light when we walked down the road holding hands!

[vel2011]

I think it depends on the relationship and how you truly felt about them... an important question to ask yourself is 'do you miss being in a relationship' or 'miss being with them'.

 

Also, inevitably in a ltr you become more and more reliant on them for your happiness because you spend more and more time together and they become an increasingly big focal point of your life.

 

I know in my case it is her I miss rather than being in a relationship... She was my perfect girl but after 2.5 years she decided I wasn't the one to spend the rest of her life with. That's hard when I honestly haven't ever seen or met a girl I am more attracted to in my life and 5 months on I find myself unable at present to take an interest in other girls. I'd rather be single than have the laughter, cuddles, intimacy and companionship with just 'someone', but I miss her because and I was happier with her in my life than I am without.

 

It's also hard going through the process of analysing where it went wrong, in my case losing apart of myself towards the end, not seeing my friends as much and becoming a bit boring/needy/complacent. I find forgiving myself for letting someone I don't think I'll ever beat slip away extremely difficult.

 

Having said that we are responsible for ourselves.... I guess you just have to have faith that overtime you do move on, become completely comfortable on your own and happy with your life without needing that person to be fulfilled, fully let go and get to a point where you don't miss them.

 

My only worry is that I will never get to a point or be in another relationship where I don't feel that I, given the choice, I would rather be with her than anyone else. What if you never fully get over someone?

[dino9401]

I still miss my ex. I don't know if or how much she misses me, or if she's with someone else. It's been nearly 3 weeks of NC. I still think of her everyday and miss her tremendously. I woke up with a girl in my bed this morning. Last night when I was kissing her I felt nothing and felt almost like I was cheating. It was nice to have someone in my bed, but I didn't want to cuddle with her like I did with my ex. I was my ex's rebound so I am still confused as to what feelings she may have had for me. That's the hard part. I don't necessarily think I just miss the relationship, I miss my ex. I have been alone before for a long time before I met her. I had dated many women but never anything too serious, so again, I think I miss her.

[Zero71]

I think for me it's missing my ex. Right now I can't truly see myself falling in love again. I can picture myself dating and possibly sleeping with another woman, but I just can't picture being as emotionally attach with someone else. I still wish me and her can be together. Unfortunately, she is in a new relationship and have to split due to how difficult it is.