should i cheat?

[nanann]

I am 33, have 2 small children and have been married for 8 years (in couple for 15). While I do love my husband, I have discovered 7 years ago that I am in love with another man. We have been friends for 7 years as he is married too and we have done nothing other than talking. However, I think about him all the time and we both feel, in a way, that we are wasting our lives being apart. I am quite certain that his feelings are genuine too because we came close to being unfaithful once before and he refused because he said it would hurt ME (he has no children). I want to stay married for my children and for their emotional and financial stability

and I sometimes feel like my guilt over the infidelity might help me through the rough times in my marriage. What should I do?

[PoloGirl]

Are you currently happy in your relationship with your husband?

[DopeStar]

Deal with it, your married and have kids. You already signed the contract for that job, better get used to it. Now once the kids have grown and moved out on there own then you can deal with your husband but till then...

[tiger_lilies]

Stop all contact with this other man and focus all your energy on your husband. If you cheat, it will open a huge can of worms. Don't do it! You will hurt your husband and your children immensely and I guarantee you will regret it.

 

Please be strong for the sake of you family. Do not give in. You can still save your marriage...you just need to communicate with your husband. Go to therapy...anything so that you can open the doors of communication again.

 

Think about your family and what this will do to them.

[avman]

You realize you risk a divorce by cheating. If you are not unhappy in your relationship with your husband then having an affair will forever change things between the two of you.

[liferedo]

You have already cheated on your marriage and family and friends. There is no difference between an emotional affair and a physical one. You need to stop all contact with this other person at once.

 

If you are unhappy with your current marriage and family, then you need to discuss this immediately with your husband and seek to rectify the issues.

 

I wont give you the usual about doing it for the kids, but you have already been decietful with everyone involved. So you need to rectify it now.

[Vert]

Liferedo is right. You have already committed the emotional infidelity which is just as bad as if you had done the physical. Cut communication and leave this other guy alone. You did sign on for marriage and just because you did everything but the penetration doesn't mean you didn't just cheat on your husband already. Go to your husband, talk about the problems, and purge this other man from your life.

[lady00]

I would advise you to make sure you are staying married to your husband for the right reasons. To stay in a marriage because it is convenient isn't fair to you, your husband or your kids.

[Speakingof]

Sorry, I don't believe in "emotional infidelity." It is very hard to control one's emotions, but actions are another story. If you feel that you can't control yourself around this fellow, then you have to give the relationship distance.

 

I urge you not to cheat. Put yourself in your husband's shoes. How would you feel about him cheating on you? How do you think your kids would feel if they knew you had cheated? What kind of role model do you want to be for them?

 

My husband cheated on me -- a number of times. He finally told me and it has meant the end of our marriage. Although I had strong feelings for other men in my life, I never would have broken the marriage. Now it is broken for ever.

 

Don't let your hormones dictate your future. There is alot more at stake than you are admitting to yourself.

 

Before you do anything you'll regret, can you talk to your husband and tell him you feel your heart straying and is there anything you can do together to fix it?

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

lady is right. If you love your kids you can STILL raise great kids. It just takes A LOT OF research and hard work. I wouldn't stay together for the kids.

 

I think Blink 182 wrote a song about this about this....

 

.link removed

[Day_Walker]

I wont sit here and tell you what is right and what is wrong. The situation is all going to come down to a choice. This is a choice that only you can make. You need to consider all possiblities. It sounds like you have a pretty idealistic perception of love if you are willing to give up financial security a decent husband (i suppose) because you feel that you are in love with another man. The truth is that you can never really be sure of how the other guy feels about you or even if the situation will work out. This is why you need to weigh all options and make a logical decision and not an emotional one.

[7CardStud]

From a kid that actually went through this crap...

 

I would say please don't do it, for the kids at least...

 

I mean... I FOUND OUT about my dad cheating... NO kid should have to go through that ever...

 

So you should think about this, and the effects it WILL have on you children if they ever come to find out...

 

Just a warning....

[Meow18]

I agree with others. You need to stop all contact with this other man. You need to stay away from him. Your feelings will only get stronger for him if you continue this & the stronger your feelings get, the more likely you are to do something you may end up regretting. Do it for you, your husband & your kids.

 

You definantly should not cheat. It would hurt your husband really bad & if your kids ever found out, it would hurt them too. I couldn't even describe how mad I would be at my mom if she ever cheated on my dad. The pain would kill me.

 

You are with your husband. If your not happy with the relationship, or feel that its not very strong, then you should work on it.Maybe go to counseling. Talk to your husband. Don't cheat because cheating has consequneces & if you cheat, you could lose your husband & it would put your kids through a lot.

[nanann]

thank you for all you've said. i know i seem like a selfish person but it's hard to be doing everything for others all the time. i quit my job because i was working with the other man, opened a daycare at home to be with the kids and now that's all i do. I'm always here. i guess my life lacks excitement and on top of that, my husband seems so unappreciative of what i do and after a while, logically, you take each other for granted so it's easy to think about being with someone who would appreciate you and being something other than MOM. If I think about doing this, it truly is because i think it would be easier to accept my husband's faults (drinking etc (don't worry-never in front of the kids)) if i wasn't always so good. i know it may be warped thinking. It's hard to cut this other person out of my life because i care so much for him and me talking to him on the phone is not hurting the kids but often gets me through tough times since my husband often doesn't listen.

[Scout]

Ok, let's look at the real problem here (and then we'll discuss the "symptoms" of this problem).

 

You are in a time of your life where you are not receiving enough social stimulation. You are with children all...day...long. I am sure you are great with kids and love them, but you need more social interaction with other adults, women friends, and people with common interests (besides kids). Even if things were great between you and your husband, you still need more social interaction then just with him. And he's falling short at the moment, anyway. You have put your own needs on hold...indefinitely? In short: you're very bored.

 

The symptom of this problem is that your only other outlet right now for stimulating conversation, and someone just interested in what you have to say, is with a man who is not your husband. However, the gratification you are getting from this relationship is temporary - not permanent. No one person, not even the best romantic relationship in the world, can fulfill all our needs for social interaction. As you can attest with your husband, the attentive listening phase doesn't necessarily last, either. Right now, this man is not living life with you 24 hours a day, and so the time he is giving isn't really much of an emotional investment for him.

 

I think you need to do some hard inward thinking, and get to know yourself again. Rediscover who you really are, what interests you, what things you've always wanted to learn or try, and make the time to go for it. It is also essential you develop a better social network. We all need a few friends that we can build a trustworthy, caring (and appropriate) relationship with. It is easier to grow as a person and explore new things when we have a supportive social network.

 

I would also suggest you sit down with your husband when you figure out a few things you want to explore and try and explain to him that your life has stagnated. You have got to change that, because the more we grow, the better person - and spouse and parent - we will be. Tell him you hope you have his support, too. That will at least open up some dialogue between the two of you. Blaming him - or anyone - for your current unhappy state isn't going to open up any dialogue, however. Right now, just forget about the blame game. Ultimately, we are all responsible for what we do with this precious gift of life we are given.

 

I would really try to stop focusing on this other man, if I were you. Your attraction for him may be real, but he is not the answer to your problems. In fact, an involvement with him would probably be a HUGE distraction in your life, and thus would prevent you from squarely facing what you are really dissatisfied with about yourself and your life, and doing the appropriate self-exploration and work necessary to make the changes.

[CarterJonas]

hi nanann,

 

To answer your first question as to whether you should cheat on your husband, my answer would be no!

 

BUT if you are truly unhappy within this marriage, after all you are only responsible for your own and childrens' happiness, then perhaps a trial separation is the way forward? I assume you have tried talking with your husband to see what is missing within the marriage? perhaps a councellor can help?

[wdhhmsm]

DO NOT CHEAT! People think that life will be perfect with the other person, but you only see him how he wants him to see you. You do not know what his bad habits are at home, or if he is a snorer, or if he has his wife do every little thing for him! My dad though that life would be greener on the other side! He fell in love with a lady at work- they could just not be kept apart! They ended up having sex, and she got pregnant! After 15 years of marriage my mom and dad got a divorce, and my dad and his girldfriend got married. While they were "seeing" each other they thought that things would be perfect. Well, they had something coming. All us kids did was cry becuase we missed our family. His new wife could not cook like my mom could (my dad would even acknowledge that she always burnt the food, but not to her face), and she was a slob! After two years of marriage they got a divorce. My dad looks back everday now and misses his first family. He never wanted to be a "weekend" dad, but know he is. Remember, if you leave your husband you are also leaving your family. Things will not be better, your kids will have to have two separate houses, bedrooms, and dogs. They will grow up resenting you because of your affair, and your husband will eventually con them into living with him. PLEASE DO NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR AND TELL THIS MAN YOU CAN NO LONGER SEE HIM!!!! I hope this opens your eyes!

~From a daughter who has witnessed this already!

[ghettocracker67]

Cheating is bad.........my parents cheated on each other.........got divorced.....now they hate each other.......they cant stand letting us visit each other.......its a very bad thing........not 2 mention if u cheat.........u could get divorced.......and thereforeeee may not be able 2 see ur kids as often as u do now............just take all these things in2 consideration before u decide 2 cheat on ur husband

[Meow18]

You are right, you can't do things for others all the time. Its only normal & completely fine to do things for yourself.

 

However, this will effect your family. You can't be do this for yourself when it will effect others.

 

Think about the consequences of cheating. It will tear your family apart, your husband may end up hating you & never wanting to talk to you, then all that will effect your children. Children learn mostly from their parents. They see the love their parents have for each other & that teaches them a lot. Think about what you will be teaching them if you cheat on your husband.

 

Are those consequnces something you can deal with? If so, then do what you want. If not, then you need to make smart choices. Just think about what your doing & who it will effect.

 

Its fine if you need this guy in your life, but you need to control yourself when you are with him. Don't do something you will later regret. Its not worth it.

[lady00]

I don't think anyone should feel trapped in an unhappy marriage. I agree with what everyone said about not cheating for the sake of your children. Cheating is definitely not a good idea. However, staying with your husband if you are unhappy with him will also have a negative effect on your kids. Kids have a great deal of intuition and they can sense it if their parents are not getting along well or if there is resentment between them. Your kids will eventually figure out that your marriage is an unhappy one and that won't be any better for them than a separation would be. I think that when considering what's best for your family it's also important to realize that a relationship cannot be healthy or loving if it is maintained for the sake of others and if it is not a happy union then as your kids grow up they will realize this and that won't be good for them either.

[moleculo]

I agree with lady00, you can't let yourself be trapped. Too often nowadays we act like it's wrong of people to end a marriage with children involved for the children's sake...yeah, it might mess them up, but growing up with parents who don't love each other but pretend to will mess them up more. I came from a house like that and I'm neurotic as all heck.

 

I'm not saying you should or shouldn't leave your husband, though. Seems like you have a lot of issues and you owe it to him to at least discuss and try to fix them. Perhaps divorce will fix it, perhaps not...you gotta figure it out together. You owe each other that much.