Tanzi Posted January 5, 2012 Share Posted January 5, 2012 So far I know of £30 pretty definitely. It was withdrawn from my bank account using my debit card, £10 a time, at a time that it was not in my possession. I know it isn’t a huge amount but its the circumstances surrounding the money being taken that have upset and disappointed me more than anything. There could be other times that money has been taken without my knowledge or consent but I cannot be sure so I have to discount those. Despite denying it, the evidence that it is my daughter’s bf is overwhelming. On Dec 31 at 11.15am I dropped my daughter off at work leaving both her bf and my bf at home. On the way home I decided to nip into the shops to do a small food shop. I paid using the debit card in question ... so at that time it was very much in my possession. I got home about 11.50am and shortly afterwards my daughter’s bf went out to meet a friend (about 12ish). My bf and I didn’t stick around for much longer and we left the house to go over his way at about 12.15pm. While we were out (two or so hours later) I discovered that my debit card wasn’t in my purse. I rang my daughter (who had finished work by this time) so that she could have a look to see if I had unknowingly put it in my bag (which I had left at home) instead of directly into my purse. It wasn’t in there but, as we were saying goodbye, her bf (who was now with her) said he had found it in the study. I was too relieved to think too much about it at the time but later I could not fathom out how it ended up in the study. Later that day, at my bf’s, I logged onto my back account and discovered that 3 withdrawals had been made ... from a bank near our local shops... at 12.12 and again at 12.40. The first withdrawal was made shortly after my daughter’s bf left the house and he would still have been out at the time the second withdrawal was made. He had no key to get into the house himself and was meeting my daughter from work. There was a 3rd withdrawal made at 5.10pm. That would have been after I rang my daughter and she was handed the card by her bf who had supposedly “found” it. She confirmed that her bf had left the house “to go to the shops” at this around this time. (She was able to look at some texts he had sent her while he was out that confirms this.) The bottom line is someone used my card at a time when it was not in my possession. It was handed to my daughter by her bf so, to that extent, it was in HIS possession. Each and every time a withdrawal was made from the local bank my daughter’s bf was in the vicinity. We do all believe that he possibly has a problem with gambling ... just how bad we don’t know and, if so, then it has crept up suddenly but we have evidence that he placed some bets minutes after the money was withdrawn from my bank. Incidentally, the bank it was withdrawn from is opposite the bookies. His gambling habit aside, I always thought he was a decent lad who had a bright future ahead of him and who adored my daughter. Did he do it? Does he have a problem? There are many other odd withdrawals that I am not sure about so I am going to have to discount those and there was also an incident where I thought some money had gone missing from home, say around £50 or £60. Should we help him rather than condemn him as a thief? My bf doesn’t seem to think so but for my daughter’s sake, should I? She doesn’t want to give up on him but she feels terribly torn for feeling that way. Without admitting it, however, I’m not sure we can go anywhere with this. This is going to drive a wedge between my boyfriend and I and I really don’t know what to do. I would really appreciate some thoughts and ideas. Link to comment
Personal Posted January 5, 2012 Share Posted January 5, 2012 Even before you mentioned the gambling problem i knew it was that i sufferd the same problem, If i was him and i have been in his place before he will be feeling awful and rightly so, id speak to him without anyone there make sure he admits it, warn him it will never happen again and make him go to a Gambling clinic they are free and it will sort him out. I'm sure he is feeling as low as he could possible ever be now and if he agrees to this over time am sure you and your family could forgive him. Link to comment
In the Dark Posted January 5, 2012 Share Posted January 5, 2012 If you are certain it was him, then his problem needs to be addressed by your daughter and by you. His addiction really needs to be treated for the well being of everyone close to him and himself. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 5, 2012 Share Posted January 5, 2012 How did he get your PIN number? Link to comment
Tanzi Posted January 5, 2012 Author Share Posted January 5, 2012 Personal and In the Dark, I'm not sure how much of a problem his gambling is. Its not something that we thought was a major issue. He started going once a week with a friend but, more recently, it started to creep in to everyday or almost everyday. The fact that he is only 16 means he is gambling illegally anyway and both my bf and I would lecture him on the perils of gambling. My daughter didn't like him spending time with this particular friend anyway, she always thought he was trouble but we can't control who he keeps as his friends and we can't control what he does with his friends and we assumed it was something that he would soon get bored with. However it seems that every time he is passing the bookies he would go in to place a bet. It was never major amounts of money and he never hid the fact that he had done it but it was soon becoming a regular ocurrence ... daily as opposed to weekly. I'm not sure whether he has an overwhelming urge to do it or just does it because he can. Nevertheless the fact that he took money from my account evidently to spend in the bookies suggests to me that this could now be a problem. I would like to address the whole situation but all he while he is denying it, it makes it impossible. My bf has said that if he is ever in this house again then my he won't be. That puts a strain on my relationships with both my daughter and my bf. All my daughter wants is for things to get back to normal and it seems to me that she doesn't see what he did as serious anymore. I am a little annoyed at the stance she is taking on this. All she seems to want is her relationship back on track and for her bf to be treated as one of the family again. She won't entertain the idea that the money that was "mislaid" in the home had anything to do with him or that he has taken more than the £30 we definitely know of and she doesn't seem to understand the awkward position all this puts me in with my bf. The thing is he has no emotional involvement in this. Yes, he is extremely annoyed that he took money from me and also that my daughter has been hurt because of this but he is seeing my daughter as weak for not kicking him to the curb. Victoria, unfortunately I gave it to him. I know I only have myself to blame for this situation and I'm not expecting to get the money back. All I can say is that I trusted him. He would regularly offer to go the shops for me if I had run out something. He always seemed keen to go and I thought it was his way of doing something to help. He was here a lot. Almost every day. He would eat here and would join us in take-aways every weekend. All paid for by me. He would often offer to help me around the house and I thought this was another offer of help. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted January 5, 2012 Author Share Posted January 5, 2012 This is either going to cause a rift between me and my daughter or me and my bf. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 5, 2012 Share Posted January 5, 2012 Wow, this is such a sad situation. I am sorry. It is sad when you can not trust someone that you thought was a nice young man. I would be so angry and sad if I was in your position. Not so much about the money but because of the broken trust and what it has done to you and your daughter and your relationship with her and also with your bf. I would not allow this boy back in your house and obviously you have changed your card and number. I agree with you and your bf that this IS serious. I would contemplate prosecution. If this boy is allowed to get away with it he will continue to be a thief. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted January 5, 2012 Share Posted January 5, 2012 The thing is he has no emotional involvement in this. Yes, he is extremely annoyed that he took money from me and also that my daughter has been hurt because of this but he is seeing my daughter as weak for not kicking him to the curb.. I agree with your boyfriend, and I would ban your daughter's boyfriend from your house. He has a gambling problem and he needs to deal with it, and that is exactly what I would say to him when you tell him he is no longer welcome in your home. chi Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 5, 2012 Share Posted January 5, 2012 I think your daughter needs to know what is right not just think with the head that loves this boy. This boy committed a crime and she needs to understand that. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted January 5, 2012 Author Share Posted January 5, 2012 Wow, this is such a sad situation. I am sorry. It is sad when you can not trust someone that you thought was a nice young man. I would be so angry and sad if I was in your position. Not so much about the money but because of the broken trust and what it has done to you and your daughter and your relationship with her and also with your bf. I would not allow this boy back in your house and obviously you have changed your card and number. I agree with you and your bf that this IS serious. I would contemplate prosecution. If this boy is allowed to get away with it he will continue to be a thief. Thank you Victoria, yes it is a sad situation. I am annoyed at his betrayal. He became part of this family. He came on weekend trips to my parents with us. Spent Christmas Day evening with us and most of Boxing Day yet all the while he was helping himself to the contents of my purse, well my card anyway. I suspect he has done it more than the 3 times I can be certain of. The thing is I was going out that evening and he let me go out without my card knowing that it could make things difficult for me. Yes I have changed my card and number. My daughter is in pieces and is looking at me to find a solution but I have none. Prosecution is a possibility but I have no idea what strain that would our relationship under. I know she is only 16 and we will move on from this but that doesn't help us NOW She knows he did it. What she wants is for him to confess so that we can move forwards. That won't help my relationship with my bf, however, who is adamant that he never wants to see him again. I can't ban my daughter from seeing him. I mean I could but I think the consequences of that would be far worse than hoping that their relationship will come to a natural end sooner rather than later anyway. I have struggled with my daughter in the past. She became very rebellious when he dad left and I have had to work hard with the school to keep her focussed. I don't want to push her back to where I have struggled to pick her up from and I don't want to break her heart. That said, I don't want him to get away with it either. The emotional strain and pressure this has caused is almost unbearable and I want him to face the consequences. I will have to look into prosecution or at least let him know (through my daughter) that that is the route we are looking at taking. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted January 5, 2012 Author Share Posted January 5, 2012 I agree with your boyfriend, and I would ban your daughter's boyfriend from your house. He has a gambling problem and he needs to deal with it, and that is exactly what I would say to him when you tell him he is no longer welcome in your home. chi Thanks chi. I'm not sure how he can ever come back into this house and face us to be honest. That would take some guts. I guess he wants us to believe HIM because he is continuing to deny it. I haven't seen or spoken to him since this happened and my daughter knows I don't want him here. I think your daughter needs to know what is right not just think with the head that loves this boy. This boy committed a crime and she needs to understand that. I agree. Unfortunately it is the head that loves the boy that I am always faced with when I try to talk to her. Her world has fallen apart and I almost feel to blame. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 5, 2012 Share Posted January 5, 2012 You are not to blame at all. HE is. He caused this entire issue and he should be made responsible. Can you contact his parents? As you know teenagers have no sense of long term consequence and they just want what they want, which is why your daughter believes love will triumph all and you are being a big meanie mom.I would stand firm. Link to comment
petite Posted January 5, 2012 Share Posted January 5, 2012 Doesn't your debit card have a pin? And if it does how would he know your pin? These days you can get cards with chips that require you enter the pin number. Definitely confront both him and your daughter and demand to be told the truth. If neither comes clean, then tell him he is no longer welcome in your home until someone comes clean about the money. Whoever took the money did it illegally, and as such there can be consequences for that. I don't know where you live, but here, we have cameras at most ATM's so if you go to the bank they would probably be able to get a picture of the person using your card. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted January 5, 2012 Author Share Posted January 5, 2012 You are not to blame at all. HE is. He caused this entire issue and he should be made responsible. Can you contact his parents? As you know teenagers have no sense of long term consequence and they just want what they want, which is why your daughter believes love will triumph all and you are being a big meanie mom.I would stand firm. I did think about contacting his parents. In fact that is still a possibility. I have been wondering whether I should confront him to see whether I can get him to confess first though. If we at least get a confession we can start moving forwards. I will make sure his parent's know and will make sure he sees someone about his gambling "habit". Ideally, I would like my daughter to choose to stop seeing him once the enormity of what he has actually done (nothing to do with the amount of money) sinks in as I'm sure forcing them to break up will come with all sorts of the problems. He was really at home here, that won't happen again and he will certainly have to stay away from my bf ... but it is a solution. Doesn't your debit card have a pin? And if it does how would he know your pin? These days you can get cards with chips that require you enter the pin number. Definitely confront both him and your daughter and demand to be told the truth. If neither comes clean, then tell him he is no longer welcome in your home until someone comes clean about the money. Whoever took the money did it illegally, and as such there can be consequences for that. I don't know where you live, but here, we have cameras at most ATM's so if you go to the bank they would probably be able to get a picture of the person using your card. Yes it does. As I explained above I gave both my PIN to him when he did some shopping for me. I stupidly trusted him. I think confronting him is a solution to at least trying to get somewhere. My daughter agrees with me. She wants him to confess so that they can at least start to rebuild things. She believes he needs help with his gambling. My daughter was at work when the first two transactions were made so I know she wasn't responsible for them. The transactions were also made at a bank that is just minutes away from my home. My daughter works a good 10 minutes drive away. I live in the UK. I thought all our ATM's had cameras but I found out today (after visiting the bank) that the outside ATM doesn't have a camera, only the one on the inside, which seems a bit odd and doesn't help at all. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 5, 2012 Share Posted January 5, 2012 I think his parents as his parents need to know this. THEY are still responsible for him and his mistakes. Plus he is their child. They NEED to know this. I know I would want to know this about my own son. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted January 5, 2012 Author Share Posted January 5, 2012 I think his parents as his parents need to know this. THEY are still responsible for him and his mistakes. Plus he is their child. They NEED to know this. I know I would want to know this about my own son. Yes, you're right. He spends such a lot of time here that I feel I am the one responsible for his actions. I remember asking my daughter if his parents knew he gambled. She said they did but I guess no one knew to what extent and I doubt they knew that when he was here he was popping out every once in a while to place a bet. I wasn't aware until now. I did tell him once before that if he didn't stop then I would go to the local betting office with a picture of him, pointing out that he was underage. The last transaction was made at 5.10pm. My daughter said he had gone out to the shops but wasn't sure what time it was, then she remembered that he had sent her a text while he was out saying he couldn't get whatever he had gone out for (hmmm ??). She still had the text and showed it to me. The text not only places him in the vicinity of the bank at the time the transaction was made but also heightens my suspicion that his "nipping up to the shops" really means "nipping to the bookies". The bookies being opposite the bank! Does this constitute as a problem. The fact that he took cash from my bank specifically so he could gamble does, I guess. Whatever, I think his parents need to know all these details. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 5, 2012 Share Posted January 5, 2012 Yes, they mostly assuredly do. I would ask them over I would not make it as a phone call. I would have them over and lay out all the evidence for them. Actual evidence. If you make it as a phone call they have a chance of hanging up on you. THEY are responsible for getting him the help he most assuredly needs. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted January 5, 2012 Author Share Posted January 5, 2012 I have decided that I am going to confront him. I don't want to terrorise him into confessing. Neither do I want to frighten him into NOT giving me one but I ,at least, want to give him the opportunity. As things stand the situation is stagnating but emotions are bubbling away under all our surfaces. I know he and my daughter are in contact. I know she wants to believe that we can put this all right. I told her that I wanted to speak to him and she agrees (but then she would). She said, assuming he confesses, that she will go with him so that he can tell his parents with her support. That may work but it might be a good idea if I went along too. Is any of this a good idea? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 5, 2012 Share Posted January 5, 2012 You run the chance of them not letting you in the house after they find out what is really a foot. I think it is better if YOU are not on the defensive here but on the offense, that is why I suggest your house and you invite them. Just say you want to discuss something.Don't forget sometimes parents become very defensive when it is their child. Link to comment
turnera Posted January 5, 2012 Share Posted January 5, 2012 You should (1) change your PIN and (2) ring his parents and let them know what he did. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted January 5, 2012 Author Share Posted January 5, 2012 You run the chance of them not letting you in the house after they find out what is really a foot. I think it is better if YOU are not on the defensive here but on the offense, that is why I suggest your house and you invite them. Just say you want to discuss something.Don't forget sometimes parents become very defensive when it is their child. You could be right. I'm not against inviting them here instead of me going to them. I think the important thing is that it be done face-to-face with their son present. I did wonder if I would come up against some hostility which is why I thought it would be easier if he confessed prior to me talking to them. It will make it hard for them to believe me, regardless of the facts, if he is categorically denying it, which he has done so far. You should (1) change your PIN and (2) ring his parents and let them know what he did. Yes, I've changed my PIN and I will speak to his parents. I'm trying to decide whether I should speak to him first however. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 5, 2012 Share Posted January 5, 2012 I think he should be present as well. Why I suggest your house is it puts you on the offensive ground so to speak. When handling something that could be highly confrontational I always find it better to have the high ground so to speak. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted January 6, 2012 Author Share Posted January 6, 2012 I think he should be present as well. Why I suggest your house is it puts you on the offensive ground so to speak. When handling something that could be highly confrontational I always find it better to have the high ground so to speak. Yes, you are probably right. It does put me in an almost a vulnerable position going into someone else's home and being the bearer of bad news. I doubt they will be in a position to make me feel welcome. I could see that wouldn't help. Link to comment
turnera Posted January 6, 2012 Share Posted January 6, 2012 You should NOT be talking to him without his parents present! You can get sued or worse. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted January 6, 2012 Author Share Posted January 6, 2012 Really? How could that be? I'd only be talking him before going to his patents ... to give him a chance to.confess. Link to comment
.jpg.1626fbc48c04fd9021fd315819807524.thumb.jpg.882936eb5901fa05cf31c75617acde2e.jpg)
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.