My daughter's boyfriend stole some money from me

[turnera]

If you accuse him, a minor, of a crime, without his parents present, and they find out, they can likely accuse you of some sort of child endangerment, harassment, etc., and, at the very least, sue you. At least where I live, it's illegal to do anything like that to a minor without a legal guardian present. I get that you're just talking to him, but you don't know what kind of parents he has. I know one guy whose son (my daughter's friend) bragged to us that his dad had sued people 3 times, and they now have a boatload of money.

[Seraphim]

Just check and see if you can even be sued in the UK for that. In some countries it is hard to sue people for things and in other countries you can sue for everything under the sun.

[Seraphim]

It seems the age of minority ends in the UK at 18 and criminal responsibility starts at 10.

 

"United Kingdom

 

Further information: Law of England and Wales, Law of Northern Ireland, and Law of Scotland

In England and Wales and in Northern Ireland a minor is a person under the age of 18[3]; in Scotland, under the age of 16[4]. The age of criminal responsibility in England and Wales and in Northern Ireland is 10; and 12 in Scotland, formerly 8 which was the lowest age in Europe.[citation needed]

In England and Wales, cases of minors breaking the law are often dealt with by the Youth Offending Team. If they are incarcerated, they will be sent to a youth detention centre.

The age of majority is 18 for most purposes including sitting on a jury, voting, standing as a candidate, buying or renting films with an 18 certificate or R18 certificate or seeing them in a cinema, being depicted in pornographic materials, suing without a litigant friend, being civilly liable, accessing adoption records and purchasing alcohol, tobacco products, knives and fireworks. The rules on minimum age for sale of these products are frequently broken so in practice drinking and smoking takes place before the age of majority; however many UK shops are tightening restrictions on them by asking for identifying documentation from potentially underage customers.

Driving certain large vehicles, acting as personal license holder for licensed premises and adopting a child are only permitted after the age of 21. The minimum age to drive a HGV1 vehicle was reduced to 18 however certain vehicles e.g steam rollers require you to be of 21 years of age before you are allowed to obtain a license for this type."

[anya1607307555]

Despite it being highly likely that he took the card and money, I don't know that there is sufficient evidence to prosecute him? I'm no expert by any means though so I would seek advice on that. If you wish to follow through with it, with the intention of teaching him a lesson that's your prerogative.

 

I get that, knowing how close he has been to your family, you probably prefer to keep this as amicable as possible. How long have you known the young man? What kind of relationship/involvement have you had with his parents in this time? Are they reasonable people?

 

I think if it were me, assuming that you have asked him if he knows anything about the missing money and he has denied it (I'm unclear on what you have actually said to him directly), then I would invite his parents and him to your house and inform them of the situation - giving them the facts that you know of. I would say something like you have approached 16 year old along with your daughter but unfortunately you do not believe his side of the story. I would emphasise how upset and disappointed you are over the situation, and state that you are willing to discuss this further with them at such a time when their son is willing to provide more information, but until then he will no longer be welcome in your home. And I would leave it at that. They have ultimate responsibility for him.

 

Your daughter will no doubt be heartbroken, of course she doesn't want to believe the boy she loves would do that to her own family. At least this way you will have sought to do the right thing with compassion. I would also ask your boyfriend if he would support you prior to taking any action. I feel for you all.

[Tanzi]

If you accuse him, a minor, of a crime, without his parents present, and they find out, they can likely accuse you of some sort of child endangerment, harassment, etc., and, at the very least, sue you. At least where I live, it's illegal to do anything like that to a minor without a legal guardian present. I get that you're just talking to him, but you don't know what kind of parents he has. I know one guy whose son (my daughter's friend) bragged to us that his dad had sued people 3 times, and they now have a boatload of money.

 

It seems the age of minority ends in the UK at 18 and criminal responsibility starts at 10.

 

"United Kingdom

 

Further information: Law of England and Wales, Law of Northern Ireland, and Law of Scotland

In England and Wales and in Northern Ireland a minor is a person under the age of 18[3]; in Scotland, under the age of 16[4]. The age of criminal responsibility in England and Wales and in Northern Ireland is 10; and 12 in Scotland, formerly 8 which was the lowest age in Europe.[citation needed]

In England and Wales, cases of minors breaking the law are often dealt with by the Youth Offending Team. If they are incarcerated, they will be sent to a youth detention centre.

The age of majority is 18 for most purposes including sitting on a jury, voting, standing as a candidate, buying or renting films with an 18 certificate or R18 certificate or seeing them in a cinema, being depicted in pornographic materials, suing without a litigant friend, being civilly liable, accessing adoption records and purchasing alcohol, tobacco products, knives and fireworks. The rules on minimum age for sale of these products are frequently broken so in practice drinking and smoking takes place before the age of majority; however many UK shops are tightening restrictions on them by asking for identifying documentation from potentially underage customers.

Driving certain large vehicles, acting as personal license holder for licensed premises and adopting a child are only permitted after the age of 21. The minimum age to drive a HGV1 vehicle was reduced to 18 however certain vehicles e.g steam rollers require you to be of 21 years of age before you are allowed to obtain a license for this type."

 

Thank you, both of you, I really appreciate your efforts. I hadn't really thought of it that way at all. Unfortunately I didn't see turnera's post until the morning and before going to bed that night I told my daughter that I wanted to confront him ... and by the morning my daughter had already told him and arranged for him to come round after he finished work (midday).

 

I get that, knowing how close he has been to your family, you probably prefer to keep this as amicable as possible. How long have you known the young man? What kind of relationship/involvement have you had with his parents in this time? Are they reasonable people?

 

I think if it were me, assuming that you have asked him if he knows anything about the missing money and he has denied it (I'm unclear on what you have actually said to him directly), then I would invite his parents and him to your house and inform them of the situation - giving them the facts that you know of. I would say something like you have approached 16 year old along with your daughter but unfortunately you do not believe his side of the story. I would emphasise how upset and disappointed you are over the situation, and state that you are willing to discuss this further with them at such a time when their son is willing to provide more information, but until then he will no longer be welcome in your home. And I would leave it at that. They have ultimate responsibility for him.

 

Your daughter will no doubt be heartbroken, of course she doesn't want to believe the boy she loves would do that to her own family. At least this way you will have sought to do the right thing with compassion. I would also ask your boyfriend if he would support you prior to taking any action. I feel for you all.

 

Thank you for you input anya. I don't really want to prosecute. I am sure that this is just a very bad mistake on his part. He is a decent lad. When my daughter and her bf see each other during the week it is mostly here and he is here at the weekends. They mostly stay in, sometimes going to see a film or for a meal, but they don't hang around with a large crowd, they don't hang around in the streets, they don't do a lot of things that other teenagers feel the need to do. For that I am grateful. In fact they joke that they are like an "old married couple".

 

His parents are very decent people, devout Christians.

 

 

 

I have confronted him now. I gave him the facts and he admitted it almost immediately. He also admitted that he used the money to gamble. With his admission it certainly makes it easier to approach his parents. That is now the next step. It is a huge relief that he has now finally admitted it. He is ashamed, of course. I am still upset and disappointed but it is a relief nonetheless. As you say, without the confession, he would not have been welcome in my home.

 

My daughter was not shocked when he admitted it. Upset, yes, but she knew it had to be him, despite his constant denial to her. In fact she thought he would confess to me which was why she was so eager to get him round. I feel that, so far, I have indeed approached this with compassion ... for my daughter's sake more than anything. Unfortunately my bf is standing firm on this. He doesn't want to be here if my daughter's bf is. I know he means well but it isn't really helping the situation. I know many may agree with his stance but I wish that he could support my decision, unfortunately he isn't, not really. MY daughter believes her bf needs help. He believes he needs help. For my daughter's sake I want to help him get that help. I asked him if he could stop, he said "Yes, people around me know now". I asked him who and he said "you". That isn't enough though. I can't do this on my own. I told him that his parents needed to know too and he agreed.

 

Thank you all for your help. I have agreed to give him a few days grace before we tell his parents because it is his mother's birthday and they are having a family party at the weekend which has been planned for some time. I don't want this to ruin her birthday as, no doubt, this will devastate them. I will give her that at least. I am more nervous about approaching them than I was my daughter's boyfriend.

 

Its not going to be easy approaching his parents, telling them that he stole some money from me and that he potentially has a gambling problem. Any ideas on the best approach would be gratefully received.

[Seraphim]

As you say if they are decent and loving people maybe they will get him some help? Addictions are not easy things.

 

I am glad for the sake of you and your daughter that he confessed and for himself. It is good that he confessed. I think it will go a lot better now that he has. I can understand though that you are nervous. I think it will go ok though. Good Luck!

 

About your bf, give it time. He is probably still mad.

[Tanzi]

Thank you Victoria. When I first told my bf that he had confessed he said that it was little too late now but, in all fairness, it was the first time I had actually approached him about it. Who knows, in time, he may soften a little. might suggest that my daughter's bf apologise to my bf for his actions and the stress he has caused. I'm not sure things will ever quite be the same again but it might ease the tension. I'm not sure how our relationship is going to survive if he has to ask if my daughter's bf is here everytime he wants to come over! That said, I think my daughter's bf will be laying low for some time.

[turnera]

That was very nicely done. Good job. I see your bf's point and I know he's that way because he 'knows how boys think,' but I think you'll have to stick up for your daughter on this one.

 

That said, it really isn't your responsibility to get him help. It's his parents'. I would tell him (after you tell his parents) that you expect him to get professional help and that you will remain in contact with his parents to ensure it. In the meantime, you expect him to understand that he's lost your trust and as such will have to accept some safeguards while at your house. This is all a great case (assuming he gets help and is serious) of an adult guiding a child with kindness but firmness. Something they don't get enough of.

[turnera]

I do think that you should ask the boy to apologize to your bf - not because it was his money, it wasn't, but because he created an issue in his girlfriend's (your) house, and it's the manly thing to do to apologize for that. It'll be a good learning experience for both of them.

[anya1607307555]

That said, it really isn't your responsibility to get him help. It's his parents'. I would tell him (after you tell his parents) that you expect him to get professional help and that you will remain in contact with his parents to ensure it. In the meantime, you expect him to understand that he's lost your trust and as such will have to accept some safeguards while at your house. This is all a great case (assuming he gets help and is serious) of an adult guiding a child with kindness but firmness. Something they don't get enough of.

 

I agree. He should expect to have to earn back your trust and respect, and not expect to have the same level of freedom within your family and home.

 

So pleased he, at least, had the decency to confess.

[Tanzi]

Thanks guys. I think it is going to be a long time before I will be able to trust him again and I'm not sure if things will ever be the way they were. This is a huge lesson for all of us. I do worry that his sadness and shame wasn't genuine but I think that will become apparent when the time comes to tell his parents. I won't let this go. I don't want either him or my daughter assuming that all is well now because he has confessed. This is really only the beginning and my daughter is going to have to work with his parents and even me to make sure that he is getting help and sticking with it.

[Seraphim]

I agree, they need to understand this is not the same as a 3 year old taking cookies from the cookie jar.