First time having sex with new person.

[exhibitA]

I've been dating this guy for a little over 2 mo. We met online, and hit it off pretty well, started getting together a few times a week, etc. At first it seemed like a pretty straight forward dating experience- he kissed me after a couple dates, etc. After a few weeks, he stopped wanting to kiss me, so I asked if everything was ok, as nothing else was really changing. He said he is very anxious about sex, and that typically things progress from kissing toward sex and that made him very nervous. I get that some men have sexual anxieties, and I liked him enough, so I felt like it was something to be patient about.

 

A few more weeks of him continuing to initiate dates, etc., and he says he is not sure how he feels so he wants to date platonically. He said he had a horrible dating experience a few years ago, hasn't had a girlfriend in probably 4 yrs and just needs time. I felt hurt and confused. But he knows I am not interested in casual sex, and he said he didn't want to rush off and be too intimate before he knew for sure how he felt. He said he really hoped I would want to continue to get together with him. I moped for about a day and then realized that even if he decided he wasn't ready for a relationship, that I liked him enough that I would want to be his friend, so I decided to continue to get together with him and just see what happens.

 

After that conversation, he seemed more keen on spending time together, he was much more relaxed, and wanted me to meet his friends (who incidentally behave as if they think we're a couple). He started initiating some physical contact - holding hands, hugging, etc. After a few weeks, he started back with wanting to kiss me. I thought that was great, that maybe he had decided he was comfortable enough with me now.

 

Last Friday, we met up with his friends for dinner, and over the course of the evening he was really physically affectionate (in front of them). At the end of the night, we started making out and then decided that we should go to his apartment. The sex was decent, we were both nervous, he had trouble keeping it up (whcih I think is part of this sexual anxiety, I'm sure). He told me he was really nervous but "that it usually works itself out." i tried to be reassuring. I spent the night, and he had to be somewhere in the morning so he dropped me off on his way to his previous commitment (no he wasn't lying, he always does this thing sat morning). I felt a little anxious in the morning, though, like maybe we did this too soon, maybe he was disappointed with the sex, etc. He noticed, I think, and held my hand all the way home, which was very sweet. I was going out of town for a couple days for the holiday, and he said to let him know when I'm back.

 

On Christmas, I sent him a text saying merry christmas, etc. He responded about 9 hrs later (this is really unusual) asking if I was having a nice time and he told me something about his weekend. I texted back answering his Q, and asked about what he told me about. He never responded. It's been over 24 hrs. I just feel like he's distancing himself. It's not like him to completely ignore a text, or to take an entire day to respond. I'm not one to get super insecure over nothing, but I really feel like maybe the sex was bad for him, or he's just decided he's not into this anymore. Considering how long it took him to decide if he wanted to go there, and considering that he knows I don't engage in casual sex, I figured he must have been fairly sure he was into me before allowing this to happen. He's been pretty good about NOT allowing it to happen for quite a while, so he knows how to put a stop to things.

But i can't help feel like his lack of response to my text, no discussion about when to get together again, is a sign. Am I overreacting? Even *if* he's distancing himself, is that something to be concerned about? That is, maybe he just needs a little space but will come back around? Should I just wait for him to contact me to get together again?

[Chandra]

He's probably reeling emotionally and mentally from the experience. You can't really predict how you are going to react with something like that. Remember, you cannot fix his insecurities - if he is having problems, they are his problems not yours. You can be empathetic towards he needs and show him compassion and understanding, but make sure you respect your own boundaries.

 

Maybe you should just call him and tell him that you wanted to make sure he was doing well. Feel out the situation, if he feels threatened, tell him that you understand and its okay to be scared about this. Tell him you respect him and are fine with taking things slow. If you do this, however, do it in a VERY CALM way. Don't show a lot of your anxiety or it might freak him out.

 

That is my best advice for now. If he doesn't respond after that, then just let him be for a while. There's nothing you can do to fix the situation.

[Ms Darcy]

So, the sex may have been disappointing to him and it may have brought up bad memories or feelings for him. That is certainly possible given the timeline. But it doesn't help you to worry.

 

I hate to say it but you guys don't really have a relationship going on, and he may back out of this.

[exhibitA]

Thanks Chandra,

 

So you think his lack of response to a text is really a sign of anything? I don't want to freak out over nothing, and maybe he didn't see it, was busy, forgot, etc.

 

He told me to let him know when I'm back in town. I'm back, but he also knows I was only gone for the weekend. We've been getting together mostly on teh weekends because of our schedules, so perhaps I should just wait until later in the week to contact him about maybe getting together this weekend.

 

I would imagine he'd have an emotional reaction fo some kind from this, but I can't help feeling like he just wants to break up now. I don't know. Feeling really insecure all of a sudden.

[DylanNotorious]

Ummm it's just sex and this may explain why he's been single for 4 years. Your a red-blooded woman who would be suited to a more red-blooded man who wants it! I think if there are red-flags in the sex department it's going to cause red-flags all over. Sex is important in a relationship so don't over-look it!

[exhibitA]

So, the sex may have been disappointing to him and it may have brought up bad memories or feelings for him. That is certainly possible given the timeline. But it doesn't help you to worry.

 

I hate to say it but you guys don't really have a relationship going on, and he may back out of this.

 

Well he might back out, because you can back out at any time with anyone. But we've been dating for a few months, and we've both told each other we aren't seeing anyone else. We also have discussed the fact that neither one of use is into casual sex. I can't imagine why anyone would think we are not involved at this point, I would think if he wants to end it, some discussions is really required.

[Chandra]

Thanks Chandra,

 

So you think his lack of response to a text is really a sign of anything? I don't want to freak out over nothing, and maybe he didn't see it, was busy, forgot, etc.

 

He told me to let him know when I'm back in town. I'm back, but he also knows I was only gone for the weekend. We've been getting together mostly on teh weekends because of our schedules, so perhaps I should just wait until later in the week to contact him about maybe getting together this weekend.

 

I would imagine he'd have an emotional reaction fo some kind from this, but I can't help feeling like he just wants to break up now. I don't know. Feeling really insecure all of a sudden.

 

Hard to say, only he knows for sure. I would try not to worry and take it as it comes.

[Chandra]

If it were me, I would just send out some feelers since this has been such a big issue for him in the past. If he doesn't seem bothered, let it go. If he does, reassure. That's about all I can tell ya

[exhibitA]

Ugh, I have literally no reason to freak out except that he never responded to one text. Both of us are pretty slow about responding to texts, as we don't necessarily stare at our phones all the time. He has once responded after a day because he said he didn't see it until the next morning. Sooo, perhaps I'm basing this on literally nothing and just letting my fears color my perception of things.

 

As for feelers, what should I do? Invite him to do something? I kind of wanted to wait for him to initiate something, but maybe I should ask him what he's doing? He is typically busy M, W and I have been tied up on Th, so we usually end up getting together on teh weekend. Not sure I can wait that long for reassurance, to be honest.

 

Hard to say, only he knows for sure. I would try not to worry and take it as it comes.

[lila...]

exhibitA, I know exactly how you feel and not sure I could wait that long for reassurance either. As an adult, I myself would like to be able to have mature conversations about what's going on so I can know where I stand. I wouldn't want to be left wondering for any amount of time, let alone a whole week. At the same time, you don't want to scare him away. I think you've done enough at this point....you've texted and he hasn't replied. The ball is in his court now. If he wanted to, he would reply. I also think that since you've been dating for a couple of months now, he won't drop you just like that without any explanation, so I guess things are good for right now. The issue here are his own insecurities, not you. I don't see how you've done anything wrong.

[Ms Darcy]

Well he might back out, because you can back out at any time with anyone. But we've been dating for a few months, and we've both told each other we aren't seeing anyone else. We also have discussed the fact that neither one of use is into casual sex. I can't imagine why anyone would think we are not involved at this point, I would think if he wants to end it, some discussions is really required.

 

It may be just me, but I think "involved" and "exclusive" and "not being into casual sex" are different from in a relationship.

[exhibitA]

It may be just me, but I think "involved" and "exclusive" and "not being into casual sex" are different from in a relationship.

 

I don't understand the relevance. Yes, it's new. Yes, we're still establishing something. I'm not sure I get your point, other than that he might want out all of a sudden. Yes, a person can end it at any time, regardless of status. What does that have to do with this particular situation?

[Ms Darcy]

I don't understand the relevance. Yes, it's new. Yes, we're still establishing something. I'm not sure I get your point, other than that he might want out all of a sudden. Yes, a person can end it at any time, regardless of status. What does that have to do with this particular situation?

 

Given that he dialed things back to seeing each other platonically, this doesn't seem very promising to me. Maybe it's just me ... but his words (seeming more causual) and his actions (seeming more interested) don't match and don't amount to overall interested in a future with you to me.

 

So, I am just suspecting that he is backing out now.

[exhibitA]

Things have changed substantially since then, and we've talked about it. But ok.

Given that he dialed things back to seeing each other platonically, this doesn't seem very promising to me. Maybe it's just me ... but his words (seeming more causual) and his actions (seeming more interested) don't match and don't amount to overall interested in a future with you to me.

 

So, I am just suspecting that he is backing out now.

[HeartGoesOn]

But i can't help feel like his lack of response to my text, no discussion about when to get together again, is a sign. Am I overreacting? Even *if* he's distancing himself, is that something to be concerned about? That is, maybe he just needs a little space but will come back around? Should I just wait for him to contact me to get together again?

 

I understand that you're not into "casual sex," so with that said, did you agree to be exclusive, and make a fair judgment on potential before becoming intimate?

[exhibitA]

OK. I hear you, but the convo 6 wks ago wasn't "let's be casual," it was him letting me know he needs more time to ease into physical intimacy because of his anxieties, and also because knowing I am not into casual sex he doesn't want to lead me wrong until he knows for sure what he wants.

Perhaps I'm entirely wronga about him, but he'd have to be literally to think a casual hookup was ok at this point.

Given that he dialed things back to seeing each other platonically, this doesn't seem very promising to me. Maybe it's just me ... but his words (seeming more causual) and his actions (seeming more interested) don't match and don't amount to overall interested in a future with you to me.

 

So, I am just suspecting that he is backing out now.

[exhibitA]

I understand that you're not into "casual sex," so with that said, did you agree to be exclusive, and make a fair judgment on potential before becoming intimate?

 

We did talk about how we aren't seeing anyone else. As far as a fair judgment on potential, yes, I think he has potential. Otherwise I would not be willing to help him through his anxieties about sex. I just wouldn't do that for someone I didn't have affection for, and I told him that.

 

He did say to let him know when I'm back in town. At least as of the morning after, he gave no indication of backing out. At this point all I have to go on is the fact that he didn't respond to one text. It's not like either of us are texting monsters, so I'm suspecting that i'm projecting all my fears onto this.

[lila...]

But the longest he's ever taken to respond to a text was half a day, wasn't it? I don't mean to feed your fears/anxiety, but doesn't it seem a little strange that it's been 24 hours since you last texted and no response? You may not be big texters, but I still think it's common courtesy to at least acknowledge somebody's text, especially coming from someone you're dating. Something seems to be up.

[exhibitA]

Well no, it's taken til the next day before. Also one time he never saw the SMS notification and until about a day later and he responded then and apologized about that. Also, he *did* respond to a couple texts on Sat and Sun, telling me about what he did on Xmas, etc. So I guess it could go either way at this pt. He might just be busy doing stuff (he is taking the week off work), or he might be ignoring me. He might be ignoring me because he needs a tad of space and he'll come around, or he might be ignoring me because he wants to end things. Darned if I know. Not sure what to do though.

 

He does seem to really frown on the idea of casual sex himself. I find it hard to believe he would go there and then drop me altogether, just knowing how he is about this stuff. And he was very sweet the day after, doing little things to be reassuring. So I dunno.

 

I sent him a text a few hours ago inviting him to have dinner with me and a friend tomorrow night. I kind of thought he had stuff going on and wouldn't be able to come, but he responded just now saying he'd like to join us. No mention of the other text I sent to which he never responded. D'oh. Who knows, maybe he never got it. I'm a complete basket case about this guy, thouhg.

 

 

But the longest he's ever taken to respond to a text was half a day, wasn't it? I don't mean to feed your fears/anxiety, but doesn't it seem a little strange that it's been 24 hours since you last texted and no response? You may not be big texters, but I still think it's common courtesy to at least acknowledge somebody's text, especially coming from someone you're dating. Something seems to be up.

[lila...]

Well it's a bit reassuring that he responded to your last text and didn't completely disappear! Let us know how it goes tomorrow!

[OrangeMoon]

it will workout fine between you...just be patient, sweet and yourself..

[Joshh]

Yeah, I'm not sure about this guy. The anxiety/insecurity issues are major red flags. I can tell you really like him, perhaps a lot more than you're letting on. Still, this is a very precarious situation. I would say do not let yourself get too attached, take a break, and focus on yourself until he contacts you. As for the sex, I don't think I've ever had sex that wasn't pleasurable or that didn't make me want to come back for more. Then again, I don't have erectile issues. So, if you are intimate with him again, try this: lots of dirty talk. You see, his problems are likely ALL mental. And, you can stop him thinking about being able to maintain the erection if you flood his brain with your words. Trust me, even if he's not into it, he'll be raging before you know it... because he won't be thinking about getting it up, just you. Anyway, I hope this helps. Good luck to you!

[mahipahl]

Hope this guy never finds out his flag hang at half staff is being discussed on the internet. He probably will never get it up again if he does...lol

[exhibitA]

It's really not an uncommon problem. I'm sure it's quite difficult for anyone going through it, though.

Hope this guy never finds out his flag hang at half staff is being discussed on the internet. He probably will never get it up again if he does...lol

[scklbad]

A-He used you for sex in a genius fashion...maybe he wanted to pretend he was the waiting type of guy cause he's evil and wanted to screw with ur head.

B-He is embarrassed how he couldn't get it up

 

 

most likely b don't worry about it!