I didn't realize there were so many people wanting their ex

[Mix Maxster]

Hey everyone,

 

I'd like to point out that I'm amazed at the amount of people who want their ex back. It just goes to show you that it's not as uncommon as we all would like to think.

 

Isn't it funny? How we all come to this forum to seek advice on how to get our ex's back because it's something we TRULY want and the majority can't help us. Why? Not that they don't want to help us out, but that many out there have had little to no success. I mean really some people can give GREAT SOUND advice that can make a lot of us open our eyes to new possibilities, but what works for some may not work for all.

 

There's a lot of contributing factors, but when you get down to it all there's really not a WHOLE lot you can do to get them back. You can play games, follow rules and try to make a game plan, but honestly there's NO guarantee ANYTHING will in fact work. I think THAT is the problem many of us face, is that they're gone and there's PRETTY MUCH NOTHING we can do to get them back.

 

All of us scrambling around trying to collect the pieces to the puzzle, trying to crack the code only to realize that it's unsolvable. You can try to explain it, try to get the message accross and try to make it seem AS MUCH as possible like it can happen... but truly there's no guarantee at all.

 

Is this depressing to hear this? Yes, but in my experience since my ex broke up with me. I have yet to find something that actually works. You know I used to be afraid of what my ex would say to me, I used to fear actually knowing the answer because I didn't want to face it. I was scared to really lose my ex and if I never heard the answer, I knew I wouldn't have to give up on the dream so long as I ran away from it. Deep down I knew it all along, but I fought to ignore it because I couldn't live with the aftermath.

 

That's why I want to get this out, I want people to stop this. It isn't giving up hope, it isn't throwing in the towel and it most certainly isn't losing. It's seeing the truth, it's seeing what's infront of you and it's seeing what you need to do to ever insure they come back. I know I hoped for a cure all, I know I was searching for some way to bring my ex back. In all of this I learned the best way you have at getting them back is to make yourself not want it. Because when you actually go after it, it goes further away from you. Kind of like if you ever notice when you try to chase a dog it runs away, but when you slowly move towards it like you're not... you can get SO close to it that sometimes you can actually grab hold of the dog. It works in other animals as well, but the principle is key.

 

You all HAVE to realize that what point we're trying to get accross is that there's no cure, there's no game, no set rule, no nothing really that one can do to make it easier or INCREASE your odds of getting them back other than to first realize there's nothing you can do to convince your ex. You can't do anything, no words, no gifts, no TALKING to them, no nothing. You can't ACTIVELY do ANYTHING that makes them believe you even WANT THEM back, why? Because they expect it. I mean really, ANYTHING you ACTUALLY do will NEVER come accross as how you WANT IT TO. Please trust me on this.

 

I'll end this before it gets too long. But here are some final pointers: 1) Don't do anything that looks needy - phoning, trying to talk to them, showing up with flowers or a gift, sending a card, e-mailing, text messaging or ANYTHING to that effect. One thing I will say though is that it doesn't apply to forever because there is a point in time in which you can TRY to do that stuff, but that is AFTER you can no longer show emotion towards what they say or do. It's AFTER you've learned "everything" and know HOW to act, can you actually take the next step to actually contact them. And one final thing, the best way to get them back is to really make yourself believe it's not what you want. That way you're not showing any signs of what you really want; them. Weird hey? Does it work? Who knows, but how good is talking, sending gifts and no contact working?

 

Max

[detox5]

Ok dude listen, uve said some good points and tbh i think your sooo right, I do honestly dont like loving my ex, she was the best dont get me wrong, but shes doign so well for herself and I just want to be apart of it (want!) I want to be apart of her life, but i do know that when i dont think of her, AND when i do at times think to myself, hmm I dont actually want you, it DOES make me soo really good.

But i have a question for you, about the things about being needy, my friend saw my ex few nights ago, they talked, she asked how i was, he said to her why she dont speak to me, and she said that its awkward and he said that its as if she didnt really wanna talk about it, she said she emaield me, from which i didnt receive, so just a mild question, should i quit the NC and just email her and say wats all this about you emailing me cause I didnt get it? OR should i leave it, because along wat u said, I should want it, tiny bit confused, will i seem needy and stuff if i brake NC just to brake the ice and to say hi to her?

I honestly think uve made a strong point and you are SOO right in what u say on the main principles the ex.

[Mix Maxster]

It's not that i hate no contact or anything, I just hate what becomes of it. You're a perfect example. You're afraid to talk to her because you've been told NC is the way to go. You're afraid to look weak, to do the wrong thing and somehow by talkign to your ex you're afraid you're setting yourself up for "I told you so's" and let downs.

 

Your mind set is that you want her back, are you afraid to hear her say "I don't love you anymore, I want you out of my life" your job would be to get her to tell you because you don't believe how serious she is, not because you're not listening.

 

So listen your friend told you she sent you an e-mail, then let me ask you something. If you wrote her an e-mail and she didn't reply, would that kill you?

 

Be prepared for that FIRST BEFORE you send an e-mail. But no I don't think sending her a quick e-mail would be crazy. Keep in mind though that questioning her = selfishness. I know that's something that sounds dumb, but if the roles were reversed and it was your ex in this position and she came up to YOU asking questions or being very needy. Wouldn't you be a bit angry with them? It's that one thing I have to say is, is that if you have to ASK them what's wrong, why they're doing what they're doing or why they're ignoring you... you're basically saying "I don't understand, help me to." and they're thinking "he doesn't get it *sigh*"

 

Oh and if I were to bring it up with her I'd probably say something like: "hey, my buddy said you sent me an e-mail. I never received it, resend it." don't say something that sounds like you're scared to ask her OR never give her the option like "Hey, ya my buddy was talking to me the other day and he mentioned you sent me an e-mail. Well I actually didn't get one from you and if you don't mind, could you send it again? If it's not a problem."

 

See the difference?

[otrebla]

You are so right MixMaster

I'm fed up of this, if I had realized this right after I was dumped, I would be better now and probably my ex gf would be here with me, it's been 2 1/2 months,

and so many things happened, I tried all the approachs, and nothing, and I don't want to take away your hopes but, as I see, exs always seem to be coming back just to make sure you're hooked on. they just want you to be there for them and give you nothing back but their back.

But what if they realize you're not there hooked on?

That's how it works, we humans can't stop playing mind games our whole life, and we want what we cannot have, if the dumper know we are no longer their fools, they'll start chasing us, if there's some love for us inside them, they'll do it, maybe if there's no love too. Because they hate to have no power over us.

I hope you realize there's nothing you can do to get your ex back, just walk away, if they come back, great, if they don't there's nothing you could have done to get them back from the very beginning of the break up.

[herewegoagain]

All of you have good points. I'm also sick and tired of all the senseless analyzing of everything that happened since my breakup. Heck, she went directly to someone else and I still hope she comes back to me. How stupid is that - do I have no pride?

 

You all are right, there's nothing we can do.

[detox5]

You guys say that soon as they think they have lost power they will chase us, im just wondering when they start to think that. When will they clock on that we arent interested anymore and start chasing, me thinking that i dont want my ex makes me feel so much better, but do u guys reckon its just a case of time when they start to think that we no longer want them and they loose power? The times when they DO actually contact us, is them times when they clock on they no longer have power? Cause they think they have power until, they contact us or just clock on that we no longer are contacting them? takes time when they start to believe that we no longer want them and they start running?

[Mix Maxster]

Well have you ever had a moment where you just thought of something, or somebody and all of a sudden you saw it? I know on a couple of occasions I've felt like I was going to see someone I knew and sure enough I did. What's the point? Well it's no guarantee and it may be far-fetched, but I think they realize when they just sense one day that you're no longer there for them. When they were so sure you'd be on the sidelines for them and then they just realize that it's not the case anymore, they'll realize they no longer have a stronghold on you and they may try to go after it to get it back.

 

Now most of you guys have the right idea, but I don't want people to just throw in the towel and not even CARE to have their exes back kind of thing. It's through the realization of it all that the only REAL things you can do at the break-up are self-positive ones. Things you felt needed improvement for some time but that you never actually went through with doing. As many suggest, getting a tan, getting bulked up, getting a car or whatever things you can think of to just change yourself into a new and improved you. That's your best hope at getting them back because they left the old you for a reason just maybe the new you is what they were hoping for.

 

NOW before people get offended and start thinking "Hey isn't that changing for someone else? I mean who are they to make you want to change you into someone THEY'D like." and that's where I make the correction that it ISN'T for them at all. It's something YOU FEEL needs to be improved upon because you know NOT ONLY THIS PERSON but ALL PEOPLE would have a problem with. I mean to change the negatives of yourself, such as any self-inflicted damage whether physical or mental. Any signs of "letting go" or "Not caring about your image" should also be considered. I would have a HARD TIME finding someone loving me if I was in ripped smelly clothes. Get the idea? It's not about making yourself better for this one person, it's about making yourself better for yourself AND others. Giving yourself the BEST odds of getting them back while having the potential to get NEW people.

 

So that's why I say that the BIG reason why all of the normal contact AFTER a break-up is bad is because both parties are STILL EMOTIONAL over it, it isn't just going to fade away EVEN IF YOU THINK THE DUMPER WILL stop caring. The point is that it's just time that has to pass, the time is right when YOU no longer get emotional over it, when you can get your head on straight and protect your HEART from pain. The point when YOU ARE in control and YOU make the rules, THAT IS when you can contact them. It's when you want them, but that you recognize at the same time "at what cost to me?".

 

I forgot to add something, now this isn't the case for EVERYONE BUT one of the reasons why no contact works in some couples is that the dumper believed they were doing the right thing, they felt that by dumping you they'd be alleviating the pain they felt they were going through. They have themselves believe they're doing the right thing for themselves and that it HAS to be done, so they break up with you in hopes their right. They know it won't be easy and they're expecting you to get upset, but once they have time to REFLECT on their decision that's when they think it over as if it was maybe a mistake. That's where no contact CAN work, but it's NO GUARANTEE TO WORK as no contact could actually just be something the ex is HOPING for so they could just move on and forget about you. The only time NO CONTACT gets them to lose interest and forget about you, is when they really are NOT feeling ANYTHING for you and so they move on because they have no need for you anymore. I will admit that No contact improves your odds of them coming back, but once again it depends on the ex's feelings at the break-up and of course with what YOU FEEL is going on.

[emotionography]

max gives good advice. he's already been there for me, even with his own struggles of trying to find that balance with his ex. but i think that i need to add to it a little in order to make sure everything is clear on what both sides are thinking.

 

It's true, if you really want your ex back in your life, then you need to be comfortable with the possibility that it probably won't happen. Through that building of your own independance, you can start to understand where you're going with own life, without those co-dependant feelings. It's the hardest thing to do, ESPECIALLY when your ex wants to retain a friendship with you for any reason. My situation isn't very unique, i was a victim of attraction loss due to built resentments that were months in the making - but she still wants to be my friend, even though i see her online chatting with other guys, trying to find herself, disolving her own 'self-discovery' simply to find another relationship to get comfortable in. And the best thing that i could have ever needed for myself was apathy: the anti-love, not to the point where my ex thought i was numb or cold or unresponsive (because thats what someone who cares percieves from an apathetic person), but more the ability to be there for her, but not emotionally involve myself to the point where i'll drive myself insane. One of the worst things you can do to yourself is over analyze and over think any situation with your ex's actions: Take things for face value, don't read between the lines, don't confuse piney-needy hope with faith in yourself to become a stronger person.

 

As Max has said, in the end, there's nothing you can do to change the other person. All decisions and all feelings must be respected. it hurts, we've all been there, or we're all going through it. It's okay to let your ex know that you care, but you have to be really careful with this: you don't want to let your ex know you care simply because you want them back in a relationship. If anything, you just need to force yourself into caring about you, first. THEN, after that, see if you really want to retain a friendship with the possibility (not a solid fact) that the two of you will get back together again.

 

There's only one strategy that max has told me will work - and that strategy isn't to get her back, it's to get myself back first, and then play everything else by ear without the pain of co-dependance aching in my chest.

[fantasia2004]

So true to the point Mix. And are they hurting inside as well when they are dating someone else to get over you to start fresh?

 

Anyway, for me I hope I never have to see my ex or his girlfriend in the future. Nor do I wish to have him call me for anything. I have already learned my lesson and truly I am stronger now for it.

 

Sometimes folks, it is about their pride and they -your exes- rather save face or have a razor scraping accross their backs than come crawling back with their tails between their legs to you. It is usually about pride. My ex the nut is an example of sorts. Because he told me so viciouslyand cold heartedly I knew it was a watse of time trying to make sense with an irrational person. I will never forget that look and the piercing words that followed angrily from him in the middle of the street in front of others. Now what does that tell you?

 

Oh well. More power to the rest of you and your journey to a new you whether your exes see it, hear it or not.

 

Further more I would like to know when if possible would your exes ever get to see you as a changed person? They say you must show them not tell them because they will see right thorugh you. WHEN AND HOW IF EVER? MOST OF US NEVER GET TO SEE OUR exes again . So how so anybody?

[herewegoagain]

Fantasia - I agree with you totally on the fact that How are we supposed to show them that we are better, more confident, changed, etc if we never get to see them? Especially, since my ex is already seeing someone else? It just seems hopeless.

[StrawTink]

i think max is right all my exes have eventually wanted me back. unfortunately its usually been too late. i usually have moved on to something else or someone rather. the point is why do we want them back? they've left us cold and alone and often soo confused we dont know which way is up. what we all need to do is quit talking about them and talk about all the things we are doing without them. quit dwelling on them they are not at home worried that we dont love them. they dont care. if they do they will call or bang on our door. in the meanwhile keep yourself busy and start opening your eyes there might be someone better outthere for you. you just cant see them because you are too far up your ex's ***. SO take your time back dont spend it on them.

[Mix Maxster]

To answer your reply StrawTink it's more of a matter of you CHOOSING TO want them back. The heart has a bad habit of getting itself hurt, it's part of the game of love as there's usually someone who gets hurt when all is lost. Here's the thing though, I would hate everyone to get into the habit that our ex is scum for leaving us. That's just not always the case, I'll admit that some ex's are harsh and bitter at NO COST and for NO REASON so we are left to dwell on it. The kind of ex's that say hurtful things, who make scenes and have a bitter resentment towards you FOR NO REASON, THAT makes me wonder why they broke up with you.

 

Now you asked why do we want them back, HERE'S THE THING it's NOT pathetic or WRONG or SAD to want them back. That's a fear I know many are worried will make them look bad on this forum. It's not the case for everyone, but I'd hate you all to just move on and think that's the only WAY to do this. That's just not the case. The point is that you have to live with the fact that the only thing you can REALLY do is indirect stuff, like you can't outright TELL your ex you've changed ___ and ____ they have to see it for themselves. You can't just go at it like you want them back, you have to go at it like you don't want them back.

 

So why does one want their ex back? Well that's a tricky one, I say it COMES with coming to the conclusion that it's their choice, they want it because they don't care either way. They want their ex because they're someone they could see made a mistake and would be happy to get back together because they're someone they truly love and see a future with. And they'll want to get back together with them SO LONG AS the other person SAW THAT things needed to be done in order for it to work. If they were willing to admit something, come out strong and say that perhaps they made a mistake because they were trying to search for something they thought they didn't have because it's what they believed, then it's YOUR CHOICE whether or not you will take their word on it.

 

The thing is it's kind of the reverse of the dumper for you see the dumpee now spends all this time after being broken-up, doing soul searching and doing personal changes that THEY come to a conclusion. Much like the ex spent countless days, weeks and perhaps MONTHS thinking about hteir decision, so will the DUMPEE spend the same amount of time. Thinking, doing and changing for the better MAKING SURE they're making the right decision. Some choose to forget about their ex REALIZING they have it WAY BETTER without them and look FORWARD TO finding someone MORE WORTHY of their love. That's ONE side of it, another is those who do the SAME THING, but they decide that they would take their ex back UNDER THE CONDITION that the ex gives them the conditions they're hoping for because they're not about to have themselves get hurt again. Another thing to add though is that this isn't JUST about the DUMPER admiting that perhaps they didn't think it through all the way and would want to make amends, it's that the dumpee ALSO knows and understands the TRUE reason why the dumper did it. It's not a sense of acceptance because you're weak, it's more along the lines of that you can SEE and UNDERSTAND that the ex didn't WANT TO really hurt you, they were doing it for the right reasons. It's pretty much that NOW for the first time in the relationship, you REALLY REALLY REALLY understand your ex. You truly do, you spent all this time working on yourself, reflecting, changing and doing things GEARED towards making yourself better that NOW after all of this time YOU SEE and UNDERSTAND why they dumped you. It wasn't because they thought you were crap or that they necessarily wanted to hurt you, it was because you understand why they felt they were making the right choice and that it didn't come overnight. You can see this. Now if it actually comes down to it where the ex wants to get back together with you then usually it's the dumpee that is in control, in other words, that's when the dumpee would go back because they see the value in the dumper meanwhile they're just looking out FOR THEMSELVES in the process. That's not a problem as the great thing about giving yourself that control is that your HEART belongs to you, you're in control of whether or not you get jerked around and you're NOT ABOUT to let the dumper gain control JUST LIKE THAT. You play by YOUR RULES and see how HONEST, SINCERE and SERIOUS your ex is about getting back together and isn't just SAYING it because they feel they're missing out. You want to find out JUST HOW SERIOUS they are, that's how you trust and hand your heart to them again. THEY are the ones who have to prove it to you.

 

That is the difference I'm trying to get people to see. It's not about coming to the conclusion that our ex's are a bunch of idiots or jerks for dumping us, but rather they BROKE UP with us for what they THOUGHT were the right reasons. We shouldn't be quick to judge them, many will and some will take a two sided approach to it and perhaps understand where their ex is coming from, the good thing is they're out to make sure it won't happen again NOR are they ready to just hand their heart over. They know the "game", they know how to play it, how to make sure they don't get hurt like they had been before. It shouldn't be about pinning the blame on the other party, it shouldn't be about self-fulfillment on your part because you want to seek a sort of "revenge" on the other party as that ISN'T good behaviour. It's about understanding love, understanding them, understanding everything and just showing without saying how much you really know it.

 

Now one last thing, Fantasia asked "Further more I would like to know when if possible would your exes ever get to see you as a changed person? They say you must show them not tell them because they will see right thorugh you. WHEN AND HOW IF EVER? MOST OF US NEVER GET TO SEE OUR exes again . So how so anybody?"

 

The answer to that comes with, if you put the importance of that on getting them to see it then ALL is lost. You shouldn't CARE whether or not THEY SEE it, you should take SOLACE in the fact that the ex HASN'T changed and thereforeee you should get a nice ego boost for knowing they're the same old person who is bad for you. You're the one who has changed for the better and you should know that on the inside and not SEEK TO HAVE approval or to rub it in the face of an ex for self-gratification. I understand why you would want to do this even if not for self-gratification, but one should be happy with where they have come from and who they have become. That's what is important, getting the ex to see that at one point is only a benefit to what's already there on your end. You shouldn't care either way if they see you have changed, make yourself HAPPIER by knowing you have changed and that they think they're crap don't stink while thinking you're the same old person.

 

Just remember that the point of all of this isn't to think the ex is a loser and you're happy you got rid of them. It's to recognize the importance in yourself, looking out for yourself and making sure that things are in your control REGARDLESS of if they ex is in your life or not. Get your life in control and know what you can and cannot handle. Don't try to get approval or acceptance from your ex. Don't care either way, you know when all is said and done who you are and the value of yourself. That's why it doesn't matter if they see it or not, if they never get that chance then be happy of how great you have become.

 

The ironic thing about life is that it always tests you. Tests to see what new things you've learned, what new found knowledge you've aquired or even what new attitude you have on life. It tests you. If you have gained confidence, you'll somehow find yourself in a situation that tests if you ACTUALLY HAVE it or just thinking you do. Just like in the same manner that it seems as soon as you gain control, gain knowledge or gain a new found attitude, your ex will test it to see how much you really have it. Just don't fall for it or revert back to the old you. Unless the new you is a cynic or a jerk.

[fantasia2004]

One thing is for sure. All I wanted is to have him -my ex-apologize to me but unfortunately that will never happen.

[herewegoagain]

Fantasia - same here - i would feel so much better if my ex gf at least said she was sorry for the way she treated me during the breakup. But as you said, that will never happen.

 

It's a shame how people just do not do the right/moral thing anymore. What ever happened to "treat others as you would like to be treated?"

[StrawTink]

ok Max.. i totally agree with you im not trying to come accross like i hate anyone who dumps me. i dont hate my ex. I love him i think he's a great guy. i knew where the problems were when i was with him. that's not it. he didn't want to go through the lumps. he likes easy street. that's how he is about everything in life. ive been able to evaluate that kind of stuff now. and i think it is ok to get back with your ex just like you said. im just saying dont dwell on what they are doing or if they are thinking about you. or what will work to get them back. ive made that mistake. been making it. it just is a waste of time.

[detox5]

straw, good points im the same, imagine if we had this knowledge as soon as we broke with our exes, its commin along a year nearly when me and mine broke, i bet i would be back with her maybe or at least close with her again if i knew wat i know now

 

"It's a shame how people just do not do the right/moral thing anymore. What ever happened to "treat others as you would like to be treated?"

"

 

well said herewegoagain.

[SadMan]

After my ex and I broken up a year ago from a 5 year relationship. I broke all contact with her and healed myself from the pain when she lefted me with someone else. During the break up she contacted me in everyway posible. She is always the one that initialated all contacts. When she contacted me I thought I still have a chance with her. But I was wrong. Last month I finally put an end to everything when she simplily stop contact whenever she wanted to is like she didnt care all of a sudden. She told me that we shouldnt be friends anymore. That really hurted me so I want to end all these pain by saying a lot of bad things to her like " your a b**tch, sleep with all the guys in the world and pretend nothing happened" I know things like this you cant say to a female especially when you two were in love once. She basically blow up screaming at me and then I told her I will never see you again.

 

A month later, 3 days ago, she came to my house and then tell me how much she missed me and how much she wanted to see me. I was weak and wanted to know why she came. So I let her spoke to me and see me. Then she was crying and said how she misses me. And she wanted to kiss me, I am stupid and I let her. Then we were close like couples again for the past few days.

 

I think what I did was wrong. I dont know why there is a part of me that tells me she is using me. She did this in the past once and I think she is doing this again and I am LETTING HER do it. Well, she havent called me since yesterday afternoon coz she have to work.

 

I dont know what I am doing..........I think I am letting her use me..........

 

I guess I have to wait and see if that is ture once again.......

 

Can anyone tell me what have I done ???

[ryan14]

hello sadman

 

i think history is repeating itself

 

She did this in the past once and I think she is doing this again and I am LETTING HER do it. Well, she havent called me since yesterday afternoon coz she have to work.

 

remember all her actions is just an indication that she misses you, she never mentioned that she wants to get back together.

 

you need to master control in situations like this, you've been in hell and by now i'm pretty sure you know what to do but refuses to apply these things because your emotions are over powering you.

 

know her intentions first before you get emotionally involve...you dont want to go back to sqaure one.

 

just relax go with the flow but be cautions

 

good luck

[detox5]

Oi you lot, stop anaylising everything, we dont want them remmember? I felt soo good yesterday when me and mix had a chat about not wanting them back anyways, i seem to have forgotten it a bit, it kinda resets when u sleep heh.

[detox5]

ed u reckon that applies to me, my friend saw my ex the other nite, he said she tried sendign me an email but i didnt reply, should i email her saying i didnt receive her email, or just not bother, cause im playing hard to get? Maybe that was her intention, saying that she emailed me so that i would put on a chase? Or just ignore what she said to my friend and just act like, hmm i didnt get the email ohh well couldnt of been that important, i still think it was a means for her to see if i would jump and contact her, just cause she spoke with my friend?

[detox5]

how do you mean mostly on time? he saw her friday, they spoke and then he asked if she had spoke to me at all, she said she sent me an email, she also said it was awkward, he said she seemed to not want to go into it, she didnt ask much about me at all, my friend mentioned me first.

" If it wasn't important or anything, she could have cared less whether or not you received it, you know? " what do u mean, u think she wondered why i didnt reply, or didnt get it, not sure wat u meant by that?

[detox5]

im nessesarly bothered what the email was, i dunno what it could have been, and it couldnt of been that important, what did you mean about IF she cared about me, lil confused, I see her online at times, so if she wanted to talk to me she could there, going back about what you said about she might be trying to reach me? You mean like trying to come out and be friends or something, not sure

[StrawTink]

detox ......... i thought you didnt care weither or not she wanted to be friends or what have you i thought you didnt want her back? if you dont want her back quit dwelling on an email. if she wants more i think she would do more than email you. start worrying when you have a missed call from her on your cell and your voice mail is all messed up and you didnt get the message. that's when its real. email and ims are convos but they are so artificial. lack of tone and misunderstandings stem from emails and ims. if hse wants more she makes it more personal.

[sally101]

It's not that i hate no contact or anything, I just hate what becomes of it. You're a perfect example. You're afraid to talk to her because you've been told NC is the way to go. You're afraid to look weak, to do the wrong thing and somehow by talkign to your ex you're afraid you're setting yourself up for "I told you so's" and let downs.

 

SOOOO true. I agree with the concept of NC, HOWEVER, relationships are not all the same, people are not all the same.

 

This past weekend I did something that would be considered taboo. I was at an event and saw me ex, we were talking (actually, dancing) and I told him that I needed to speak with him after. I needed to tell him that I needed my space to get over him, as much as I like to see him, AND...I cried. Not to ask for him back, not to beg at all, just becuse I am a human being with alot of emotions. 2 hours later he was telling me how pretty I was, and how he was still attracted to me, etc.

 

I still need my space, and intend to get it But I don't agree with playing NC as a game only to make your ex want you back. I do intend on being strong for myself, but I am not about to pretend that I don't hurt after ending a 2 year relationship 3 weeks ago.

[Mix Maxster]

Ya I see NC as a way to heal yes, but I hate how everyone makes it seem like MOVING ON and never talking to your ex again is the only way to go. It's like there's this constant thought that by talking to your ex, you've broken how far you've come. Like if you hadn't talked to her in x days or x months, then it looks bad if you talk to them and say to yourself "Oh great now I have to do NC ALLL OVER AGAIN. And JUST think, I was at a month of not talking to them and now I have to do it all over again." that's what I hate about it. It's not so much a game in that sense, I just hate how from NC you're supposed to keep it that way or else it looks like you're being weak or just caving.

 

Now another thing, I don't like how the spin has been that we don't need the ex and forget about them. I didn't quite mean that in case others saw it as that. I just meant it as, you make that choice to want them back. Before you wanted them back because you felt like that's what you wanted based on your emotions. You missed having them around, you loved what you two shared, or anything else you can think of as a reason for wanting them back.

 

Please try to see that what comes of what I have been saying is a new vision or a new way of thinking. You don't allow yourself to get hurt, you put yourself into situations where you are in control. Yes you can move on and forget about your ex IF you feel that's the thing you have to do. Not everyone should want to have their ex go back, it's your choice and how you justify your reasons is up to you and no one else. Now I'll agree that many will tell you to not think about that idea AS the likely hood IS QUITE low, but the possibility is still there and that's what I want people to see. The possibility that it CAN happen, but that you shouldn't COUNT on it. Now with that you need to see things as they are and that is of course that THEY left you for their reasons - they felt they were right for them, they felt they were doing the right thing, they felt they'd be happier or whatever their reasons were for which they left you.

 

The point is NOT TO TRY NOT to get emotional about it, I know it's not easy NOT to, but you need to support their decision. I know it's hard to understand and MANY of us get UPSET AND EMOTIONAL about it. How can they just LEAVE us? How can they just GET UPSET? How can they just FIND SOMEONE ELSE?? If you find yourself asking that OR questions SIMILAR to that then take solace in the fact that NO MATTER what you tell yourself, it wasn't easy for them. They spent time OUTSIDE of seeing you, looking at you from afar, talking to themselves about it WONDERING if being with you is the right choice. How do they know they're making the right choice? By proving to them BEYOND A SHOWDOW of a doubt that YOU ARE in fact wrong for them. IF you make their decision seem foolish, thoughtless, careless and perhaps pointless then they lose respect and feel like you're attacking them when you should try to be understanding. In order to get them back, THE BEST WAY you can do this is to first, as I said, learn to accept their decision, learn to understand their decision, change what YOU FEEL needs to be done in a JUST way and most importantly YOU NEED TO DO what you have to, to REMOVE that doubt they had with you. You need to prove them wrong WITHOUT telling it to them, that they made a mistake. They think you're a loser? Prove how you're not WITHOUT doing it JUST FOR THEM NOR RUBBING IT IN THEIR FACE, you need to be SMART about it. If you feel you did some dumb things, rectify it so it doesn't happen again. If you feel you were bad at spending money, learn ot control it.

 

I hope everyone gets the jist of what I'm trying to say here. The MAJOR thing is self-improvement, self-control and allowing yourself the ability to control ANY situation without your ex influencing how you feel or act. That's what it comes down to, making sure you don't get hurt A SECOND TIME while not just being angry, upset or snobbish to your ex. You shouldn't become a child about it, you want to show HOW you understand them in the BEST WAY POSSIBLE. You want to be ABLE TO SAY WITHOUT SAYING IT "I know you. Better than ANYONE ELSE ever will and I know what this is all about. Trust me, I see right through you and I get you. Just watch me." You want to project that to them so THEY KNOW that you understand it. If you can at least do that, it will AT LEAST give you the GREATEST POTENTIAL to get back with them. I'm telling you, if you see why this works then perhaps you'll understand why it's necessary to do in order to give yourself the greatest chance at getting them back.

 

I hope this makes sense everyone, let me know if you need clarification. If you need further explanations OR if you want more advice.