Should I be worried? No foreplay or oral sex with new girlfriend

[bungalo]

So...I had sex for the first time with my new girlfriend. We've been dating a little over a month. She invited me into her bedroom after a hot make out session on the couch, and the first thing she said after I peeled her clothes off was, "I don't have much experience." Well I resisted telling her to come back later after she's put in some more time..and just started ravishing her body. After a little while, I worked my way between her legs to go down on her, and she pushed me away saying "no, don't." I knew that her period had just recently ended, so I chalked it up to that. Well..after several more minutes of kissing the rest of her body..I slid down again and went down on her anyway. She obviously loved it, and came close to orgasming. Anyway, to abbreviate this story, we had intercourse, and at first she made me stop, and said it hurt. I was really worried at first, but just kept loving on her and trying to get her to relax...and eventually we did have intercourse, and it was good. So, my problem and worry is..she not only didn't go down on me, she didn't even touch me sexually at all until I moved her hand down there. She seemed ok with it once she started fondling me, but it worried me that there was no reciprocity with oral sex. I am in love with her, and am willing to be patient. This was, afterall, our first time. But my question is, do I just tell her next time, I would love it if you went down on me? Or do I just wait and see what happens? It's really bugging me. She is in love with me as well. Thanks

[metrogirl]

Well you said she doesn't have much experience so she may be a little leary about going into the nether regions. Give her time to adjust.

[bungalo]

I am totally willing to give her time to adjust. Funny thing is she is 40,and to me it seems odd that sex is foreign to her. She is also very religious...which I like, but wonder if she has the sex is shameful attitude. I guess its worry worry worry...But will chill for now. Actually, teaching her would be beyond fun...if she is open to it, but she is so shy..which is endearing and also frustrating at the same time.

[In the Dark]

I think the "I don;'t have much experience" is a warning sign for her insecurities which may have caused lack of experience.

There are a few variables to throw in there though.

 

She may have had a bad or a few bad experiences with not so understanding guys when having sex with them in the past and did some things which may have scarred her.

 

Seems that she still needs to trust you in the sex department while also being able to just let loose with you.

[bungalo]

I think the "I don;'t have much experience" is a warning sign for her insecurities which may have caused lack of experience.

There are a few variables to throw in there though.

 

She may have had a bad or a few bad experiences with not so understanding guys when having sex with them in the past and did some things which may have scarred her.

 

Seems that she still needs to trust you in the sex department while also being able to just let loose with you.

 

This makes a lot of sense to me. It's really early in our rel/ship. She used to be quite overweight, but has slimmed down only in the last year..so maybe this has something to do with her insecurities. I've only known her for a little over 2 months. Time will tell.

[In the Dark]

This makes a lot of sense to me. It's really early in our rel/ship. She used to be quite overweight, but has slimmed down only in the last year..so maybe this has something to do with her insecurities. I've only known her for a little over 2 months. Time will tell.

 

Being overweight recently and knowing her only 2 months are major key factors to me.

Insecurity and trust primarily.

 

It may or may not be a while before she has no problems with sex with you.

 

I think that may come down to how the relationship goes with certain scenarios which come up over time.

 

But hey best of luck.

Everyone who is deserving of a relationship should be allowed to have a pleasant one.

[Keyman]

I think the big word here should be COMMUNICATION. Talk to her about it. Find out what she means by lack of experience, find out if she has had bad experiences, find out if she has an aversion to oral sex.

 

It was the first time, and for some of my first times, there was no oral sex.

[bungalo]

I think the big word here should be COMMUNICATION. Talk to her about it. Find out what she means by lack of experience, find out if she has had bad experiences, find out if she has an aversion to oral sex.

 

It was the first time, and for some of my first times, there was no oral sex.

 

 

Thanks Keyman...you are spot on. Communication is everything...

[abitbroken]

I think you need to give this time. 2 months is nothing. You barely know eachother. Maybe all the other things are things she will do when she feels more deeply for you. I really think that you need to back up and take it slow. And people can't possibly do "everything" in one session. Also, if she is inexperienced she may not know what to do. I think that you shouldn't be selfish. If you can't be giving and just roll with how things go, you are not ready for more. Just IMHO.

[WockaWocka]

If she's very religious (eg Catholic) then she may have some built-in aversions to oral sex. She was very inhibited about receiving oral for example, but you skillfully overcame that barrier.

My guess is that she may need some time for exploration along with a bit of coaching.

 

What I would do if I were you is maybe wait until you're lightly making out again, then pause to tell her how much you like giving *and* receiving oral sex. Ask her if she's ever done it before and if she's willing to try. Tell her you can be a patient coach. Then assuming she is willing to try, let her explore a bit with licking and having it in her mouth the first few times. Don't push it to be a completed event. Let her warm up to the idea.

 

If she's too frigid to even try, then I wouldn't withhold oral from her. Instead you may consider buying an erotic sex book, something that would show oral sex (both giving and receiving) in a positive and nonthreatening light.

[abitbroken]

I think next time if she says "don't" because it hurts, then you have to go at her pace or not at all, versus continuing to fondle her, otherwise her communication means nothing.

 

If she's very religious (eg Catholic) then she may have some built-in aversions to oral sex. She was very inhibited about receiving oral for example, but you skillfully overcame that barrier.

My guess is that she may need some time for exploration along with a bit of coaching.

 

For some folks it is just a strange thing that feels weird. When you picture what sex is supposed to be like and look like when you are very young, that is usually not something you have any idea about how it would feel or what it would be like...or even if it would be. Unless you watched porn. Also, it is a very intimate thing and many people don't feel comfortable doing it with someone they can't feel completely vulnerable with. It has nothing to do, sometimes with a mental "that's naughty" block. Just like other sex acts, some people just don't care for how certain things feel. Everyone is different. It doesn't mean there is a hang up or "religion." When i was in my first committed relationship and had sex, it felt nothing like I thought it would feel like. It is too early to judge her reaction about it. Its all just too new.

[LDRohnos]

it is a very intimate thing and many people don't feel comfortable doing it with someone they can't feel completely vulnerable with.

 

This.

 

It all comes down to vulnerability and protecting oneself from harm. Summarily, I had a relationship with a girl that was so afraid and insecure that she couldn't allow herself to be vulnerable with me. I was patient, almost two years. Never had sex, she was a virgin going in and I wasn't and I think at some point I revirginized myself. I don't think your girlfriend falls under this category as she's obviously able to be intimate with you but she's put up some walls around sex (such as you going down on her, she might be worried that she doesn't smell very nice down there) or whatever the case may be.

 

Just give it more time and don't be very forceful with her, offer suggestions and take the "lead" for awhile. If she says she's not comfortable with something just respect that and don't push anything on her she's not ready for. In time you'll know if she'll come around or if you're dealing with someone who isn't capable of getting rid of those insecurities.

[Raaawr]

She has admitted her inexperience.

 

Do not bring it up in conversation. I dont understand where you have this idea of give oral receive oral. She told you she didnt want it but you did it anyway. By bringing it up in conversation you will only make her uncomfortable. Relax and go at her pace. When she is ready to do it she will do it. When that happens all you can do is encourage her.

[sophie274]

She has admitted her inexperience.

 

Do not bring it up in conversation. I dont understand where you have this idea of give oral receive oral. She told you she didnt want it but you did it anyway. By bringing it up in conversation you will only make her uncomfortable. Relax and go at her pace. When she is ready to do it she will do it. When that happens all you can do is encourage her.

 

Yep I agree. It sounds to me like you pushed things along last night, and that the physical side of things may be going too fast for her. Just because you feel ready and comfortable to go down on her doesn't mean that she feels comfortable enough to do it for you. It honestly sounds like she is just not ready for that yet. I would not ask her to do it or offer to teach/coach her - in her shoes I would find that incredibly condescending, not to mention that it puts her in a position where you are pressuring her to do it. I would try letting her set the pace, instead of moving her along.

[sara-pezzini]

when i made love for the first time with my bf i was very inexperienced too, even though i was in my late 30s, i was upfront with him too, and he never pressured me for anything, was real gentle, asked if i was okay with every new step he made and he would not go over my boundaries, he never asked for oral, but let me get comfortable at my own pace and i was getting more and more adventurous all by myself, i gave him oral because i wanted to make him feel good, was scared at first but love it now and even gave him a prostate massage....and all because he never made me feel pressured or that i wasn't doing it well and he was disappointed...never!

i think you were wrong to just push oral on her after she said no and after one time sex where everyone is nervous you come here and say you are disappointed that she didn't give you oral, if my bf would have done that i would be so hurt.....if sex is new to someone you shouldn't criticize, and shouldn't push things they don't want, after all were you a sex god yourself your first few times? everyone has to learn and you need to give her the time to do so at her own pace instead or getting upset after one time....

also oral is a big step for some women and if she was already a little uncomfortable touching your penis, you can imagine the thought of putting it in her mouth is even more scary, and that might not be because she doesn't want it, but because she is scared or nervous or not sure how to do it, let her make the decision herself and do not ask for it.....and if she says no about somethnig again, do not do it anyway because you are sure she will like it, no means no, and if you did that to me i would be very put off.....