I surrender..

[OrangeMoon]

I have spend hundreds of dollars and euro's on books about relationships, love, personal psychology,

I have been through therapy..groups and individually, I have taken a lengthy sabbatical that almost put me into bankruptcy,

I have spoken to friends and family to the extend they cant talk about the whole subject of love anymore, I have grieved lost loves to the point of wasting precious time, i have lost weight, changed furniture, burned ghosts, paid psychics to get little peeks into my future, I have dated,

i have had casual sex, I have received rejections and walked out hurt, but gained strenght due to risen ability to deal with adversity. I have prayed, mantra'd, thought positively to attract and manifest the good.

 

I have been with myself and completely loved my own company and when i loved myself a bit too much,I have been putting myself out there again to keep socially connecting.

 

I have recently gone through yet another rejection, that wasnt really a rejection, because I most likely made up in my mind that there was something between us. No correction..he helped a little with that too..but still. It probably was my fault, because it usually is right?..especially when you get down on the first night after talking to someone for years ..

 

Maybe i am just still too needy. Maybe my loneliness has increased my neediness and therefore also the longing to be with someone. Can I be alone? Yes, I can be alone so very well, i wouldnt need to get out of my house for months, but for food. But do I want to be alone? NO..

 

I have been by myself for so long, it feels undeserved. It has served its purpose now..I am done with it.

 

Is that feeling, that desire ..that neediness my downfall?.. Am i not allowed to feel needy, longing and craving real intimacy?.. Someone to connect with for atleast the next 10 years of my life and then we will see what happens further down the line..

 

Or is that feeling the basis of all of my mistakes, rejections and pain?..

is there where the truth lies?..

 

Because..without the neediness..what else is there.?. there is nothing. I feel nothing..

 

I dont feel desire, I feel indifference, no care, no excitement.. Is this how its supposed to feel?

 

Do I numb the feelings by going to a movie, meeting friends, eating out, working hard, having yet another guy text me because he's hoping i might me weak enough to say yes for a hookup? Do I decide not to have sex at all, because everytime i do i crave a connection. And dealing with the rubber pals gets old real soon ..

 

Because in my reality..i still go to bed alone everyday..

 

I look at my friends and look at what they have..and its no dreamland. I know that finding 'the one' comes with its own challenges. But i crave those challenges..the arguments over petty stuff, making up after fights, washing dishes together, lazying up on the couch, irritating inlaws, getting bored from making love and looking for new ways to spice things up. I am looking forward to those challenges..

 

Because i'm tired of the silence of my life. Its so safe, but so deceiving at the same time..

 

All my friends who are in relationships, envy me a little..even though at certain times they pitty me, wondering what I am doing wrong to not catch that one special guy. Because i am such a great woman right?

 

i dont feel like hurting anymore.. I don't deserve that anymore..I am so done with that book..its so boring.

 

But I am also very tired of the game..

Almost every guy that approaches me is not sincere..practically none. Why is that? Do I exude 'take advantage of me?'..just because I'm caring and kind.

 

And almost every guy that I like a bit too much is emotionally unavailable. all those books and insights from psychologists havent helped shoot I guess.

 

How can a person who is not afraid to ask the tough questions, speak her mind, say what she wants, make clear what she wants, still connect with the wrong guys.? Is it because i gave it up 'too fast' to ´the ones i thought mattered?..

 

Maybe I am just not that great of a woman and everyone has been lying to me to make me feel better, and i have seen myself wrong all of this time. Have deluded myself.

 

In that case being alone is the biggest intimacy i'm ever going to achieve..

 

 

I just don't know..

 

I surrender..

 

If there is a God..I surrender..

 

Because i don't know what else to do..

 

 

[Batya33]

Just so you know, ironically, I too surrendered at age 38 (I see you are 37?). I felt like I just wasn't supposed to be in a relationship (and I actually was in one at the time, and someone I had dated in the past, right after I made this "decision" emailed me and said "let's try again -and this time to see if we should get married")- I felt like a failure at relationships. I spent all that time you mentioned and money -by that point I had been in the dating scene almost 24 years, a few engagements under my belt, that's it. It kind of felt good to give up even though I really didn't change anything right then. 4 months later I ended my 7 year on again off again relationship and 4 months after that during a mundane conversation with a friend that took an interesting turn, I had that a ha moment where I realized why it hadn't worked with my 7 year ex who, darn it it "should" have worked with -it did work with just not for the long term. And about 6 weeks after that I met a long ago ex for a friendly dinner - nothing to do with the epiphany, romance, whatever ,and sparks flew. I really do believe my "aha" moment, plus just the internal click of "ok now I get it, now I get how to be the right person" made me ready to take those sparks and run with them. Yes, the jump start sparks were essential -he was going to be leaving town in a month, there was no way either of us would have done an LDR if there hadn't been strong chemistry - but as you know from your experiences it wouldn't have been enough because I had to be ready for the challenges you wrote about and then some. Not because of the person he was - just because relationships -keeping the spark alive, growing together and closer when it's easier sometimes to grow apart so you can be "right" - as you wrote are not all blissful despite finding "the one".

 

I don't think wanting love and romance and a serious relationship is needy in the least. I think dating is extremely hard and so is meeting people. I don't think you should settle. I do wonder a little whether you've ever overlooked a man because you didn't initially feel that strong spark? Perhaps he was the quieter type and didn't "sparkle" right away?

I am really reluctant to tell you it's about you -because I don't believe it (although I'll mention that my friends liked the book about marrying "mr. good enough" - I forgot the rest of the title - I didn't read it) -

 

I'll also share that my friend met her husband when she was 37 or 38 while taking dance lessons -he was 10 years younger and her teacher. So yes part of it is timing, you never know, luck and part of it is - keep being the right person -if you feel you're too needy you know what to do (but don't assume you are, just saying) and if there is a think outside the box activity you want to partake in, go for it because you never know.

 

good luck. I've been there. You can do it.

[David Mac]

I feel what you are saying and Was one of the reasons i was single from 20-26.

A question how often do you go on dates and how are you meeting these people?

ie internet site etc?

 

Batya has some good points too.

 

Its hard to pick up exactly your viewpoints because thet are scattered everywhere which seems to be a reflection of how you maybe feel.

 

Anyways from reading I get the impression that you have frustration over being accepted and that this in turn is causing you to lose respect for yourself and it escalates into a low inner self happiness.

 

All I can suggest is that you lose the desperation and learn to love yourself first. Then with time you should be able to gain confidence but even when you are happy and strong you got to accept that dating is hard work, and as you saw in my thread expect the worst but just make sure you have fun and don't take it too seriously

[OrangeMoon]

Thank you Batya..I am almost 38 by the way..and its on the first day of Christmas.. I am already dreading it..but hey..its my birthday right..

Maybe this is a turn around moment. Because i am truly tired of having to deal with these bad endings constantly. I feel its really time for my own success story..or just focus on my job, get a pet and watch the lives of others..

 

last weekend..when I had my Spanish adventure. I had a little argument with the guy.. I just laughed all the way through...couldnt even get upset,because I loved the experience. I was all about making it up..I just enjoyed the experience of a 'relationship like-moment' . inside i was like 'yes..here it goes'. so weird..but fun too.

I am so ready. But it just feels that saying you are ready is a stigma or something.

 

And Maybe my eyes have not been falling on the right ones don't know. But I also need to feel sexual chemistry. I'd rather stay by myself than be in a relationship with someone i dont feel attracted too..Its so hard..so hard..

 

But we will see..a new year is coming..wondering what she has in store for me..

[OrangeMoon]

Do i come accross desperate?..hmm didnt know that.. Because everyone around me is saying..' hey broken what are you doing..get out of the house'--

Maybe that is the problem. I need to socialize more than I have been doing..

 

The guys I dated with this last year including the last one..have been guys i have 'known' for years but never dated..

 

But yeah from internet..not touching those guys anymore..they are just different folk. ..

[Hnybun]

I feel you. I'm closer to 36 than not and have not had a committed relationship for many years. Lots of dates and casual boyfriends, but nothing more. More and more, it seems so hard to find someone that makes me tingle. Like you, I can't be with a man I don't have chemistry with... but it seems like every man that has made me feel something doesn't ever want a real relationship. Do you ever feel like every man wants to have sex with you but none of them want a relationship with you? I just can't wrap my brain around why...

[CrazyKing]

Surrender is the best choice, in my opinion - because that's when things somehow start sorting themselves. It seems like we don't allow many good things to come into our lives, because we think that we know better what we really need.

[Capricorn3]

All I can suggest is that you lose the desperation and learn to love yourself first.

^^ This. People can feel the desperate/needy vibe from miles away and then head in the opposite direction. Happiness comes from within and if you don't have that, it will be very tough finding someone. Also, when you are content within, then you can be alone/single, but not lonely.

[MD Geist]

I quit many ages ago because I'm tired of there's always a better option out there than me. I honestly can't blame you for doing what your doing. This dating generation is all f- ed up. Now adays if you don't look a certain way or make enough money you get no play.

[somethngwrng]

Though I am 10 years younger than you and male, I certainly feel your pain. I feel old at heart for someone who is 27, the few romantic connections I have ever made in my life have all been heartbreaking experiences and I have never truly felt wanted or needed by anyone.

 

Though I wonder, you mention guys are trying to use you for hookups - maybe you are just meeting the wrong guys? You may be ending up around these people because you choose to, while the quality guys who would care and look after you are ignored for not being aggressive enough.

 

Or maybe I read into it wrong and it's just a simple difference between being a male and a female!

[OrangeMoon]

Its a combination of me choosing the wrong ones , them not being as interested in me as they made it appear at first, going too fast too soon, me expecting the worst from every guy I meet..etc

 

..I realize that my own needs have caused me to connect too fast too soon. I cant see any so called 'good guys' on my path..because in essence they were all 'good guys'..intelligent men, not typical player types, none of them where the inherently so called 'bad boys'... I just wasnt for them I guess.

 

Maybe I wheel them in sexually, but they are out the door as soon as that isnt that interesting, Maybe i am just not all that ;-)..Or Maybe I am too much 'all that'..that all they can think about is having sex..so I am the woman who is just good enough for the physical pleasure. but not for the commitment. Maybe I don't leave doors open for steady growth and therefore they feel rushed..because I dont want to waste my time..and therefore they bolt. Or I have pushed them out when they didnt follow the program in my head. I can be like that as well ;-)

 

I have made some choices, I could have known that wouldnt end as well.

 

 

I have made some really dumb choices. i havent allowed enough time or spend the time i had well enough to get to know someone the way I needed to. I have ignored signs my gut gave me about people I should have left alone, I have been too insecure, I have given mixed signals and I have been too impatient.

 

Because I do not feel like getting in some sad post again, I am changing that behaviour. I have nothing to loose now by being patient. Because being impatient with my heart and body has brought me nowhere the last 10 years. So I might as well let it all be now. I am still going to have dates..and am curious to see how my eyes will observe guys with this new insight..(well not new, but I guess I am ready to act more accordingly i guess).

 

For me its not about the love anymore..it doesnt feel like that to me anymore..I feel a bit empty. But I still know that the only way I will be able to connect with someone one day is if I keep myself open to the possibility. And face it..I do love meeting new people and have always had fun doing it. And keeps you out of the house right

 

So guys..dont stop dating. I do know I said I'm stopping..but thats just emotions talking. I am stopping the expectations.. I feared the rejections and in the end they still happened. I might simply have to accept that I will not ever be able to prevent them..nor should I perhaps. I just need to find a way to balance my emotions when I come accross someone that opens up the 'what if'-- God..I hate it when that happens..