Boyfriend talks about his ex-girlfriends and it upsets me

[babybear]

I am a pretty insecure person however, if my boyfriend didn't mention his ex-girlfriends i would not think about it and i would be happy.

 

Unfortunately throughout our relationships he will say little pointless comments such as my ex girlfriend got me into this tv program, my ex girlfriend liked this celebrity, my ex-girlfriend was really small, i went here with my ex-girlfriend... and so forth.

 

One particular comment he made was about his ex girlfriend a year ago. They were together around 3 months around Christmas. He has repeatedly told me he spent "loads" on her on Christmas presents. Another time he told me he spent around $600 on her. I have been with my boyfriend 7months and he told me on the phone today we should set a budget for Christmas presents and it should be about $70. I'm sorry but I immidiately felt inadequate. I felt like he had no right to set my budget but also I'd had it rammed down my throat about his ex I can't help but feel meaningless in comparison. Yet he broke up with her literally soon after Christmas. And i know he loves me and he never loved her. I said all this to him and he was really shocked and denied that he had ever said he spent that much. I swore that he did and got very angry and he then went onto be quite confused and said yeah he spent a lot but not that much

 

Another issue he has talked about his ex Louise and how she was his first love and she is also his hairdresser still today 5years later.

The other day I said my boyfriends name and he responded calling me Louise. We were cuddling at the time and watching something but he was sort of half asleep. I was really upset by it but he said I was over-reacting and it meant nothing and I'm the only girl for him.

He broke up with this girl, it was years ago, she has a new boyfriend and he only sees her to get his haircut but I dunno if I should not be cool with this???

[chitown9]

I would be really irritated to hear about his ex girlfriends so frequently. In fact, I would not like to hear about them at all!!.....

[LazyDaisy]

I'm with Chi. My BF was married for 18 years and he has kids and a grand daughter and he NEVER talks about his ex. If he is talking about something to do with the kids and she is involved he might say "their mother" did so and so. But that is it. Start talking about your ex boyfriends when he talks about his ex's and he will get the picture.

[Fudgie]

I have a habit of talking about the past - a lot! It bugged my boyfriend early in the beginning so he politely brought it up and we talked about it. He didn't feel insecure or bad when I talked about them, because I don't have contact with them anymore or anything, but he simply just didn't want to hear about it. I didn't talk about the past relationships themselves or how I felt (because I'm over them) but I would occasionally bring up exes in stories that were relevant to what was going on, so I just brought them up. I didn't know it bugged but I've since stopped. Still tell my stories but I make sure not to mention the ex. He doesn't bring up his ex really, so it seems fair.

 

Just have a talk with him about it.

[HeartGoesOn]

Given all the problems you've had with him in the past few months, this just adds more to the list.

 

Maybe it's time to take an honest look at where this relationship is going?

[Awoken]

I can fully understand where you are coming from. Cause I'm that type of BF too!! I think this is just one of the reasons my ex recently left me, among other things. I just thought it was me being honest and not making her insecure. Well I can see clearly now that that wasn't the case. She, like yourself, just got sick of being compared/contrasted with someone else. I feel for you. If you want to still be with your man you better have some polite words with him.

[babybear]

I have spoke to him about it and it has reduced a lot since. It's taken repeated words with him and it doesn't wipe away all my ingrained memories of everything he's told me in the past. Also the slightest mention of any ex from me and he goes mad!

 

Does anyone have any thoughts on the Christmas situation or whether I should be cool with him still seeing his ex to get his haircut after he called me her name?

[Batya33]

I think it's rude and thoughtless to mention exes to this extent and especially how he is doing it. If I want to talk with my SO about a place I traveled to I talk about the place (and if he knows I went with an ex or figured that out I still focus only on the place or on the non-ex related story not the ex). And I treat other details and anecdotes similarly. He mentions exes once in a blue moon and I tell him when he goes too far and he apologizes. Sometimes he asks my permission to share something if he feels that it will be helpful to me (i.e. will help me resolve an issue and his anecdote happens to involve his ex). I like how respectful e is.

 

I don't think oversharing is about honesty -while it is technically "open" I think openness has to be balanced with respect, tact and sensitivity. Oversharing about exes usually means that the speaker needs to work on his social skills/might be clueless or is insecure in some way and wants to put the listener in his place somehow.

 

I also think it's a bad idea to ask too much about exes a la the Carly Simon song "we have no secrets".

[Batya33]

I have spoke to him about it and it has reduced a lot since. It's taken repeated words with him and it doesn't wipe away all my ingrained memories of everything he's told me in the past. Also the slightest mention of any ex from me and he goes mad!

 

Does anyone have any thoughts on the Christmas situation or whether I should be cool with him still seeing his ex to get his haircut after he called me her name?

 

I wouldn't be thrilled with the ex continuing to cut his hair but since he says he is over her and she is attached then I wouldn't pick that battle.

[Madison12]

Next time he mentions an ex, remain unemotional and don't get angry. Just look at your watch - this is boring to you. Make a flippant remark about YOUR ex. "Oh yeah, Luke used to make me laugh so hard! My parents really loved Luke..." He'll get the hint.

[Mephisto13]

Who talks about their ex all the time? Especially after being told not to because it's hurtful? And he then has the balls to get mad when you mention your ex?

 

I'm sorry but your boyfriend doesn't seem to have gotten over his ex. He even called you her name....could be an honest mistake, but if he mentions her often and called you her name, he's thinking about her. She's living rent free in his head.

 

I'd sit him down and talk to him clearly about how all this talk makes you feel. To relate, ask him how he feels when you talk about your ex. Explain to him that you feel worse. And suggest that he get his haircut elsewhere (there are plenty of barbers around the world...why does it HAVE to be her? I feel that he wants to hold on to this small contact he has with her in case she becomes available again). Don't let him belittle your feelings regarding this with "you're just overreacting". Get him to cut all ties with his ex.

 

If he doesn't respect your wishes, well, you know where you stand in his life. It will then be up to you to decide what you want to do.

 

Will you stay with him while keeping your mouth shut as he hurts you each time he mentions his ex?

 

Or will you realize that you deserve someone to doesn't take your feelings for granted?

 

DON'T become passive aggressive...that is, unless you don't want to save your relationship and just want to make the beginning of the end a living hell.

[babybear]

Thanks for your reply. His little comments about ex's are about all different girls, not one in particular. The girl he spent $600 on at Christmas and the girl who's name he called me and who his hairdresser are two different girls. I am worried if I tell him to get his hair cut elsewhere I will come accross as insecure and controlling?? I do believe he is over all ex's and he just makes these comments due to some weird insecurity or just without thinking

[toby17]

For now, I think you forget about the haircut. For me the bigger issue is him mentioning his exes.

 

I also think you shouldn't think too much about the name, I call people by the wrong name often - usually it's when I get tense or agitated, sometimes I'm just used to saying that name. It has nothing to do with unresolved feelings - it's like faulty brain wiring - but only I know that for certain.

 

On the other hand, it drives me crazy when a gf talks about exes or even a place where you know they were with their ex. Like you, I don't think about it unless they bring it up. I know there are some people who have no qualms about hearing about their partner's ex, I'm not one of them.

 

I wish more people would be discreet about their exes. Because on your bf's part, their might be no issue here - in fact in might indicate that he feels nothing for them which is why he casually brings them up - but look how much hurt he's causes you as a result. And those constant reminders can cause problems in a relationship more than the person who keeps bringing them up realizes, even if they think it's harmless.

[LaKings55]

I'll never understand why people bring up their exes. Let alone how much they spent on them during the holidays.

[Snny]

It sounds like he's not over his ex girlfriends. I wouldn't be surprised if he is rebounding with you.

[trustno1]

I am a BF who doesn't like that issue anymore than you. If you have mentioned that it makes you uncomfortable more than once , and it keeps happening, this is a clear indication that there is a blatant disregard for your feelings and you have to think about his true motive and seriousness about what you have...

You need to have a "carefrentation" is what I call it..... Be honest and speak from your heart and prepare yourself to handle a positive or negative outcome.....