Feel cheap...anything to be gained from telling him or just leave it?

[makingchange]

Hi all,

 

This summer I met a gorgeous guy and had a week long holiday romance (friend of a friend). It didn't go beyond kissing on holiday - was just really sweet. We met up (again with the others from the holiday) a few weeks ago and slept together. We were both pretty drunk but I think it was on the cards anyway as we negotiated a private room without mentioning it! We live in different countries and I don't expect anything serious to happen with him but I fancy him like crazy!

 

After the weekend, I sent a nice, short email saying it was good to see him and hope he's ok. I've had no reply. What's the deal with that? I'm not putting any pressure on him. I don't expect anything from him so why not bother to reply? I feel cheap and horrible now when I'd thought I'd been ok with it just being sex. I've never really done that before so maybe deep down i'm not ok with it.

 

Is there anything to be gained from calling him out on it? I want him to know i'm not asking for anything, I want to still be friends like he is with the others so should I tell him that? Or simply leave it alone? I always feel paranoid that guys think girls are crazy and we'll take contact to mean more so I hold off on contacting them but i'm annoyed that this makes me feel * * * * ty when I thought we had enough of a connection for him to reply to my friendly email. It's made me feel sad and I don't want to be.

 

Thanks

[Furbys]

You have kind of crossed the friend line because you slept with him.

 

Maybe hes not replying because you were just a one night stand, he may be thinking that now you are sending emails you want more. Which you say isn't the case but im not sure you two can be just friends if you have crossed the line of friendship by sleeping together.

 

Don't 'call him out' just leave it and carry on with your life.

[DylanNotorious]

It was a holiday fling! And if you don't expect anything from him, why call him out on it????

 

He may not have even checked his emails yet.

[HeartGoesOn]

I would leave it, and take it as a lesson learned. Both of you consented to sleeping together without being exclusive, as well as not being in a relationship. It's a tough pill to swallow, but he owes you nothing.

[WindowTo]

Give him a piece of your mind, but not in a way that needs a response from him. You have to uphold the principles you want for yourself, but if he proves himself to be unworthy then don't bother caring about a response. If I were you I would simply make it clear that he has dishonored himself in your eyes by being dishonest. Of course, if you think that you did not make things clear in the beginning then you have learned a valuable lesson to make your intentions for future relations clear. Just avoid getting defensive.

[agent1607307371]

Something to think about; but are you taking his lack of contact to mean more than it should? There are many reasons he's not replied - from he's busy to he's not interested in talking to you.

 

Also, he may not feel the need to create a friendship with you? He may keep friendship and sex separate, some people do. He was friends with the others before this holiday so really there is no need to try and create on now based on that fact.

 

That you feel badly about the sex, means only that you know your boundaries for future reference. You can't expect him to ameliarate them for you.

[Batya33]

I think it would be polite and thoughtful for him to respond to your email since you did spend at least a week together and know people in common. Are you sure he received the email? This is why, if I'm emotionally invested in receiving a response from a person I do my best to make direct contact on the phone because strange things can happen with voicemails and emails. Also is it possible he has a girlfriend who read and then deleted your email?

[makingchange]

He hasn't been dishonest! I don't think he's done anything wrong and I was well aware from the start that it wasn't a long term thing. I made a choice and that's ok, as did he. I just don't understand why he would then ignore my email. We used to email from time to time but now nothing. Maybe I am stupid for thinking it was all ok - either that was all he wanted or he just can't be bothered to be friends, or it's confused him. If it's the last, i'd like to talk about it but if it's the former two, i'll look stupid opening up to him. Hmmmmm.

[mhowe]

He's not confused. Let it go -- you both walked in w/ eyes wide open, and now -- having slept together, further communication has taken it past the "one night" place. Nothing to be gained by you for getting in further contact. He can find you if he wants.

[DylanNotorious]

Come on, you know sex changes everything. You must be aware of that.

[makingchange]

He definitely doesn't have a girlfriend...i've been cheated on so would always check that! Agent...thanks, you're probably right - I think I want to be able to have sex with someone I like, two consenting adults, and it not mean any more than that but clearly, I can't! It's frustrating being single though eh?! I swing wildly from being glad I take it seriously (usually) to being cross with myself for being uptight and therefore never getting any sex!

[makingchange]

Dylannotorious...does it though? Always? How come so many people just do it and get on with everything?

[BellaDonna]

Is there anything to be gained from calling him out on it? I want him to know i'm not asking for anything, I want to still be friends like he is with the others so should I tell him that? Or simply leave it alone?

 

No. Don't send him anything else. It will look bad.

 

*It would give him too much power.

* It will probably only make you feel worse if he didn't reply

*Or if he did reply but didn't say what you hoped he would say, you will feel worse.

*Right now you still have your ego in tact for the most part- you wouldn't if you contacted him again

*If you want to sleep with him again in the future (not sure if you do or not??), you need to remain cool, calm, collected

[DylanNotorious]

Dylannotorious...does it though? Always? How come so many people just do it and get on with everything?

 

I'm pretty sure if I slept with my female friends - it would change everything. ALWAYS.

[ToF]

Well, what do you think could be gained from emailing him?

 

If it would make you feel better, regardless of the outcome, then sure. But given how bothered you are by this, I doubt you are 100% neutral regarding wether or not he responds. I think you want to a) hear from him in some way, because that in itself would make you (and anyone in this situation) feel better; or b) elicit some sort of reaction within him (as in, make him "realize" what he's done, how immature he's being, and so on).

 

And to give you a female perspective on the question you asked Dylan - Yes, sex does change things. I'm not saying it should, but it does. That is always something you want to keep in mind when you decide to take that step with someone, no matter what your relationship is with them.

[Awoken]

Best to not worry about him replying. Just move on with your life for now. If he replies great. But the chances are he won't. Sorry.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Vacation flings are typically all about sex and don't go the distance. Sure there might be a brief 3 month relationship that come out of some vacation flings, but they quickly end as both people get back involved with their own lives and the vacation becomes a memory rather than part of every day life.

[pl3asehelp]

He definitely doesn't have a girlfriend...i've been cheated on so would always check that! Agent...thanks, you're probably right - I think I want to be able to have sex with someone I like, two consenting adults, and it not mean any more than that but clearly, I can't! It's frustrating being single though eh?! I swing wildly from being glad I take it seriously (usually) to being cross with myself for being uptight and therefore never getting any sex!

 

It doesn't make you uptight that you don't enjoy meaningless, detached, emotionless sex with someone you're not in love with. It makes you a great catch for someone with similar values to yours. I in fact would not ever date someone who could have sex like that.

[FathomFear]

So you had a fling with a gorgeous guy. Sounds like a good time to me. Give yourself a high five--don't drown yourself with guilt due to the brainwashing women get smothered by while growing up that sex = dirty/bad/etc. If you had a good time and played safe, just move on. But that's just me.

[lavenderdove]

Nope, don't do anything at all! For all you know he has a GF in his home country (or several of them) and has no intention of it going any farther than a fun break. Don't try to be 'friends' with him, becuase if you're honest you fancy him like crazy and he's just not available so what's the point? Invest your time and efforts in someone who is available and local.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

So you had a fling with a gorgeous guy. Sounds like a good time to me. Give yourself a high five--don't drown yourself with guilt due to the brainwashing women get smothered by while growing up that sex = dirty/bad/etc. If you had a good time and played safe, just move on. But that's just me.

 

I don't think that most women grow up being taught that sex is dirty/bad etc. I think most women grow up with parents telling them that within the confines of a relationship sex is wonderful, but spreading your legs for casual sex can lead to a lot of pain and heartache when the guy has sex with you for awhile but has no interest in being in a relationship with you and is just using you to get free orgasms whenever he wants. In other words, women are cautioned not to automatically expect a relationship if they have sex with guys they are casually seeing.

[Batya33]

What I don't understand OP is why you're annoyed that you're not getting "any sex" if you're not ok with casual sex. Do you want to be just getting intercourse or do you want to be getting the loving experience that is part of having sex within a committed, loving relationship? If I were you I wouldn't try to convince myself not to care just to "get sex" because what you're getting when you do that is just intercourse, not making love.

[FathomFear]

I don't think that most women grow up being taught that sex is dirty/bad etc. I think most women grow up with parents telling them that within the confines of a relationship sex is wonderful, but spreading your legs for casual sex can lead to a lot of pain and heartache when the guy has sex with you for awhile but has no interest in being in a relationship with you and is just using you to get free orgasms whenever he wants. In other words, women are cautioned not to automatically expect a relationship if they have sex with guys they are casually seeing.

 

I would wager to say the problem is larger than that. My point was is that casual sex is demonized for women in a way that it's not demonized for men. Clearly, no one--regardless of gender--should expect a relationship just because sex occurs. But you see it all the time on these forums. If a woman has casual sex or has had it in the past, her integrity is questioned, etc. It's just the classic virgin/ * * * * * hang-up that women in particular seem to get hammered with. It was the vibe I got from the OP's post, as she suddenly became overwhelmed with a sense of being "cheap". This is typically something that guys don't suffer from, and I think it goes back to the double-standard.

[makingchange]

Fathomfear, thanks for your first post...made me smile! Yes, he was hot, hot, hot and we of course played safe, two adults, no problem. I really thought that was the case...I knew from the start it wasn't going anywhere but i've rarely fancied anyone so much (to be honest, he's quite out of my league!) However, now I find i'm plagued with negative feelings and I think you're right that a lot of women get very conflicted messages about what's ok and what's not as far as sex goes. A voice inside me tells me i'm cheap and he thinks poorly of me because of it, whilst we're told we should also be able to go out and get whatever we want as independent women.

 

Batya....I take what you mean but it's one thing to value making love with someone you care for but it's another thing when you haven't had sex in a year....values/morals and desires don't always add up! Of course, I'd choose making love in a relationship over casual sex in a flash....but you can't do much about getting the former whereas you can control the latter.

[FathomFear]

Fathomfear, thanks for your first post...made me smile! Yes, he was hot, hot, hot and we of course played safe, two adults, no problem. I really thought that was the case...I knew from the start it wasn't going anywhere but i've rarely fancied anyone so much (to be honest, he's quite out of my league!) However, now I find i'm plagued with negative feelings and I think you're right that a lot of women get very conflicted messages about what's ok and what's not as far as sex goes. A voice inside me tells me i'm cheap and he thinks poorly of me because of it, whilst we're told we should also be able to go out and get whatever we want as independent women.

 

Yeah, I think this kneejerk feeling some women get is rooted in the double-standard. I mean, if a guy sleeps with a gorgeous person it usually boosts his confidence. But women are encouraged to think less of themselves. It's a pretty horrendous double-standard, IMO.

 

Not all straight guys are neanderthals about this either. While some might lose respect for women in this situation due to the double-standard, many guys have indeed overcome this conditioning. Remember, either way it's not a legitimate feeling. If you were to sleep with some guy who thought less of you for doing the exact same thing he did--having sex--then he's just immature and not worth your time anyway. As long as you understand there's nothing wrong with it that's all that matters.