sandrawg Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 So, the guy I've been seeing...things will be great with us, and he'll make me happy, but then he'll say something that upsets me or makes me feel uncomfortable. When we met, back in June, he had only JUST broken up with his ex..this was a girl he'd been back and forth with, for 6 yrs. They had an LDR, and she wouldn't give him much of her time-he kept getting frustrated over this and broke up with her. We started seeing each other and he came after me pretty heavy...we started sleeping together, then he wanted to take me out on dates, because he didn't want me to think it was just about sex...well, he takes me on this amazing date to a nice restaurant, and while there, he brings up his ex. He says, WHILE WE'RE ON THE DATE "I'd be with her, if she lived here in this city. But..I've probably blown it with her already, anyway." I pulled away from him because of that, but he came back, still wanting to be with me. He said he didn't have contact with his ex anymore, and that he just needed time to get over her. I was still a little wary. But we've been dating, and getting very close...and last weekend, we became "official" boyfriend and girlfriend. We have an open relationship--that means to me that we can do things wiht other people, but both parties have to be on board. We had some tension a while back because he made a joke about my new neighbor being hot and saying he wanted to sleep with her. He kind of went on and on about her for a while, until I got upset. Later that night, he apologized for it, and said it was just a joke. I accepted his apology and moved on, but yesterday, he brought her up again. For some reason, he felt like he had to reiterate that she's hot. I was really upset but tried to just move on from it, and let it go, figuring he was just being stupid. He went out and did his own thing last night, and hung out with his friends...went to the bar. I did my own thing. Tonight, we were talking on the phone, and he brought up a girl he'd been talking to at the bar last night whom he just met, and he said he told her she was pretty. This triggered something for me..I mean, the fact that he couldn't let the thing about the neighbor yesterday go, and now this...I got very quiet until he dragged out of me what was bothering me. Honestly, I can handle having an open relationship if 2 people are honest about what they're doing wiht other people, but I feel like I don't need it in my face all the time that he thinks other women are hot, or that he's talking to strange girls at bars and telling them they're pretty. We have this openness, where we can talk about women whom we both think are hot, and I don't get jealous about that stuff, but he thinks that extends to these 2 examples, and I feel they don't. I don't want to give him mixed messages, tho. Am I being inconsistent here? Also, I had an ex who used to try to make me feel unattractive, and would go on and on about other women being hot. I wonder if my bf's comments are triggering my hurt feelings about that past rel'ship. I don't, with him, talk about other men I think are hot. I just think it would be tactless. I think he feels like I'm treating him like he's cheating. He says he hasn't done anything with any other woman, so he doesn't understand my problem. Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 I do not understand where you are coming from. Being in an open relationship means he can talk/see/sleep/date other people. What is your definition of an open relationship. Thanks. Link to comment
sandrawg Posted November 14, 2011 Author Share Posted November 14, 2011 Well, he acts like I have to get permission to sleep with any other guys. I do not understand where you are coming from. Being in an open relationship means he can talk/see/sleep/date other people. What is your definition of an open relationship. Thanks. Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 Well I don't know why you'd agree to such an idea of an open relationship, if you don't really want one. I hope you didn't agree to it, just to keep this guy. Link to comment
sandrawg Posted November 14, 2011 Author Share Posted November 14, 2011 Look, even if i want an open relationship, that doesn't mean I want to hear about how he wants to sleep w my neighbor. I mean, sleeping w my neighbor?? That would be incredibly awkward. We already discussed that I'm uncomfortable w the whole idea, so why did he have to bring it up AGAIN? Well I don't know why you'd agree to such an idea of an open relationship, if you don't really want one. I hope you didn't agree to it, just to keep this guy. Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 Look, even if i want an open relationship, that doesn't mean I want to hear about how he wants to sleep w my neighbor. I mean, sleeping w my neighbor?? That would be incredibly awkward. We already discussed that I'm uncomfortable w the whole idea, so why did he have to bring it up AGAIN? Oh that's an easy one. He's created the idea of an "open relationship" so that you guys do not become too close. That's how I see it. Link to comment
sandrawg Posted November 14, 2011 Author Share Posted November 14, 2011 Why? Fear of commitment or something? Or maybe so he can keep options open w his ex?? I mean, he was pursuing me pretty heavily, not the other way around, but even now, he says he's "crazy about me" but not "in love" with me. Oh that's an easy one. He's created the idea of an "open relationship" so that you guys do not become too close. That's how I see it. Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 Yep. My definition of "I'm crazy about you, but not in love with you" means I think your hot, fun and sexy and we have great fun together and the sex is great. So I don't know why he made it "official" and then turned around and made it into an open relationship aswell. He should never have made anything official. Link to comment
sandrawg Posted November 14, 2011 Author Share Posted November 14, 2011 What would you do if you were me? Yep. My definition of "I'm crazy about you, but not in love with you" means I think your hot, fun and sexy and we have great fun together and the sex is great. So I don't know why he made it "official" and then turned around and made it into an open relationship aswell. He should never have made anything official. Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 It's kind of hard because you have agreed to the open relationship. I'm not really sure if you ever wanted one, it does not sound like you did. So if you don't want one, you must be honest with this guy and say you've changed your mind and this is what your looking for. And then tell him what your looking for, and if he can't meet those requirements or he bolts out the door, then so be it. Because this arrangement is not working for you. Link to comment
Lithp Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 An open relationship is just that - you are together but are free to sleep with whomever else you please. It sounds to me like you don't actually want an open relationship with him but would rather have him to yourself. I think you will either have to accept that he is going to be after other women and allow yourself the same freedom, or move on and find someone else who wants to commit to you only. I have never been in one so I can't speak for myself as I know it isn't something I would be comfortable with, but I have a few friends and neighbours who are in open relationships - from what I've seen, not only are they incredibly free sexually but it's almost a turn on for them to know their partner is hitting on other people. My neighbours, a few days after they moved in, her husband was asking me out right in front of her, and she was hanging off him as he was doing it! She completely encouraged him to ask me on a date and tried talking him up to me. Totally bizarre, I politely declined, but it just seemed so natural for them and it amazed me at how open they were about it. I think if you are going to stick it out with him you may need to lighten up about it. Go out and enjoy yourself and know he will be doing the same - it doesn't sound to me like he is wanting anything exclusive with you right now, so if it is going to torment you to hear him talking about other women he finds attractive [let alone who he has been sleeping with] it may be in your interest to re evaluate your position and find someone else who can give you what you are after. Link to comment
sandrawg Posted November 14, 2011 Author Share Posted November 14, 2011 I just didn't think I'd have it continually thrown in my face that he wants to have sex with my neighbor, or that he on some level would rather be with his ex. If I did stay in the open relationship, things would have to change. Other men would be fair game. If he wants to go to bars and flirt, then I'm going to start doing that as well. It's kind of hard because you have agreed to the open relationship. I'm not really sure if you ever wanted one, it does not sound like you did. So if you don't want one, you must be honest with this guy and say you've changed your mind and this is what your looking for. And then tell him what your looking for, and if he can't meet those requirements or he bolts out the door, then so be it. Because this arrangement is not working for you. Link to comment
Lithp Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 I just didn't think I'd have it continually thrown in my face that he wants to have sex with my neighbor, or that he on some level would rather be with his ex. If I did stay in the open relationship, things would have to change. Other men would be fair game. If he wants to go to bars and flirt, then I'm going to start doing that as well. I think that is the idea, though. If I am not mistaken, everything in an open relationship is fair game. Have you set boundaries with him? As in, have you explained that we can each do such and such but really, I don't care to hear about it so please keep it to yourself? Would that make you feel better maybe? On the other hand, I would imagine that absolute honesty and both parties being completely open would be a must in this situation. You would have to be incredibly secure in your relationship and I think you would want to know how many women your guy is bringing to bed on a weekly basis. Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 I just didn't think I'd have it continually thrown in my face that he wants to have sex with my neighbor, or that he on some level would rather be with his ex. If I did stay in the open relationship, things would have to change. Other men would be fair game. If he wants to go to bars and flirt, then I'm going to start doing that as well. Ok sweet as. But it just sounds like you guys have a weird arrangement going on. Link to comment
sandrawg Posted November 14, 2011 Author Share Posted November 14, 2011 Well, another part of it is, that I'm bisexual. So that's part of the "open relationship" thing. And I didn't have a problem with the possibility of having a 3way with him, with another woman. We specified that we are each other's primary. Maybe I just liked the idea that I had a say in the women he'd be sleeping with, whereas in reality, I just feel like he wants to go off to wherever and do whatever to whomever, even if it's my neighbor, and I feel awkward about it. I mean really..would you feel comfortable w your sig other sleeping w your neighbor? Things could get stupid and melodramatic. And yeah..it's feeling weird, and not what I wanted at all. He's insinuated that I need his permission to sleep w another guy, and I've been conscientious about NOT flirting w guys at bars when I'm not with him, or even talking about other guys. But he seems to have no problem doing this w other women. Seriously, if he's not really in love with me, what am I doing? Maybe we should be nonexclusive, so I can potentially find someone who WILL feel that way about me. THe thing is that very often he acts like he IS in love with me. He tells me I'm wonderful and that he's happy with me. I'm really confused. Ok sweet as. But it just sounds like you guys have a weird arrangement going on. Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 Sorry sandrawg I wish I could be more help! But there are tonns of people who are experts on this stuff on these boards who will see this thread tomorrow morning and be much more help to you. Link to comment
DN Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 How can he be honest about what he is doing with other women if he isn't allowed to talk about them? Link to comment
Lithp Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 There is no 'exclusive' in an open relationship. Saying he is happy with you and that you are wonderful is not acting like you are in love - those are nice things to say, yes, but unless he is saying that he is in love with you and subsequently acting as if he is [as in, respecting your wishes for starters] I wouldn't assume that's the case as nothing you have pointed out shows this. Again, open relationship = freedom on both sides. You are in no way obligated to ask permission to sleep with other men if he is also not obligated to ask for permission. Unless this is a boundary that goes for the both of you, than quite simply, anything goes. If you are bisexual and the only reason you agreed to this is that you liked the idea of deciding which women he could sleep with, you entered into this for the wrong reasons. I really think you should start looking elsewhere as this is much more than you bargained for. I don't think this set up is for you. Link to comment
sandrawg Posted November 14, 2011 Author Share Posted November 14, 2011 Like I said, my biggest problem is that I already got upset about what he said abotu my neighbor, and he had already apologized once for bringing it up. He told me it was a stupid joke, and he regretted making it. And then he goes and does it again. I feel like my feelings aren't being respected. We just had a giant argument on the phone because he feels like he's trying really hard with me..today he bought me a stuffed animal because I told him that, as a child, I had all my stuffed animals taken away because drs told my parents I was allergic to them. He did this as a thoughtful gesture. So I think he resents that I'm having a problem with him over these 2 things. He said he's insulted and hurt that "the girl I'm desperately trying to impress thinks I would disrespect her like that." I feel like I've been on an insecure footing with him from the getgo, because his comment that "I'd be with my ex if she lived here" made me feel like I was 2nd choice after his ex. I don't understand him. He'll cook me amazing dinners, and do nice things for me, like buy me the stuffed animal, but tell me he isn't in love with me and can't be in love with anyone right now because of his breakup. Or keep saying stuff about my neighbor after I've already asked him not to. I don't get it. How can he be honest about what he is doing with other women if he isn't allowed to talk about them? Link to comment
sandrawg Posted November 14, 2011 Author Share Posted November 14, 2011 Seriously..why is he "desperately trying to impress me" if he's not in love with me? Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 Honestly, it doesn't sound like you two are compatible in terms of an open relationship. If I were you, I'd go find someone who was more into me than this guy is. Link to comment
sandrawg Posted November 14, 2011 Author Share Posted November 14, 2011 I see what you mean. What's confusing is he tries to convince me how into me he is, by making me candlelight dinners and being romantic, but he won't say he loves me, like I say to him, because he says he can't be in love. He's told me that he's gotten into trouble with past girlfriends for flirting. Before we started calling each other bf and gf, a friend of mine who we attended her dinner party, told me he was flirting with her. It seems like he just always needs so much female attention. I just don't believe having an open rel'ship means you keep hooking up w women in bars who don't even know you have a gf. I'm not saying he did that, but it seems like he might have. I'm really wishing I had just continued going to bars on my own and getting guys' numbers. I seriously don't think he would like it. Honestly, it doesn't sound like you two are compatible in terms of an open relationship. If I were you, I'd go find someone who was more into me than this guy is. Link to comment
sandrawg Posted November 14, 2011 Author Share Posted November 14, 2011 After reading everyone's advice, I am starting to feel that perhaps I am being unfair as far as the whole "Flirting at the bar" thing goes..since we never really established boundaries for that kind of thing. But I am feeling more and more uncomfortable that, I asked him to please stop going on about the neighbor once before, and he won't. I am feeling like I can't trust him to respect what I've asked him to do or don't do, to respect my feelings. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 I just don't believe having an open rel'ship means you keep hooking up w women in bars who don't even know you have a gf. What does it mean to you? Because the ability to keep hooking up is pretty much the first definition of an open relationship. YouI also think you need to pay a lot of attention when he says "he can't be in love". That is a massive red flag right there. Link to comment
sandrawg Posted November 14, 2011 Author Share Posted November 14, 2011 I belong to the local fetish community, and there are a lot of poly people and people in open rel'ships, and they all say it's important to establish that if you have a "primary", that you communicate this to any other people you get involved with. An open rel'ship is never going to work if the people involved are just picking up random hookups, unbeknownst to their "primary" partner. If he does that, he might as well just be single. Same for me. I'm not hooking up w someone w/out his prior knowledge and approval, and he knows that. I feel that meeting people in bars and getting their numbers, you're not likely to tell them you already have a girlfriend. And yes, you're right. That's a red flag. What does it mean to you? Because the ability to keep hooking up is pretty much the first definition of an open relationship. YouI also think you need to pay a lot of attention when he says "he can't be in love". That is a massive red flag right there. Link to comment
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