Online friendship turned awry...please advice

[Fonnie]

Hi guys, I apologize for this long story, but I had to get it off my chest and those who read it, I appreciate it a lot! Thanks)))

 

Well, I met a girl on Facebook and initially we communicated there for more than 6 months, exchanging messages on almost a daily basis. At first she was a bit distant, but after a couple of months we really hit off and our talks just became very enjoyable. We talked about everything: family, children, books, movies and eventually she even came to me for love advice, so I knew she had some problems there. But we got along so well, that she eventually asked me to come chat with her on ICQ because she usually sat there.

 

The first few times on ICQ went really well, until something really strange happened. I did not came online for a couple of days because I was busy with university and out of the blue found out that she deleted me from FB and ICQ. I don't know if this was personal, since she also deleted her other friends, pictures, etc on her FB profile. Nevertheless, I was still stunned and I send her a new friends request and asked her if I did something wrong…..she apologized and said it happened "accidently". I was obviously sceptic, but decided to let it go as she did add me again. A week later she suddenly starts a conversation with me on ICQ, telling me that she is sad because she has decided to temporarily split from her "BF" (I know...it's a big red flag). She told me that all she asked was to spend some time with him, but that he simply was not interested and was probably also seeing other girls....I tried to support her, cheer her up, gave her advice, and so on. All of this was in December at the end of last year.

 

She appreciated it a lot and from that moment on, everything became more intense. She soon deleted her FB profile, but we would talk very regularly on ICQ for the next 6 months. It became a very normal thing for us to chat a couple of times during the week and she just became a close pal. Note that in this period, she quit her job, and also temporarily quit university. For me these 6 months felt like a emotional rollercoaster ride.

 

Sometimes she said very nice things to me and it was like she needed me (she would always ask me whether I would be online the next day, that talking with me was a daily need for her, that she would not be able to breathe if I would leave, etc.) I could even say that she became attached to me, but I guess she just needed someone to be there for her when she was feeling bad....(yeah, you could say that I was her "go-to-guy"...although I just tried to be a good friend). But sometimes she would be absent-minded or she would just be gone for days without saying anything in advance. I always had a feeling that this was related with her BF situation. For example, in January we talked almost every day and suddenly she dissapears for an entire week. Then she suddenly contacts me again in the 2nd week of February, and the following day tells me that she is in love, but that the other person probably hates her...ugh.

 

This situation continued for a long time and sometimes things would be "normal", while other times it was like she was neglecting me. May was the epitome...in the first 2 weeks of May she would barely have 10 minutes to talk to me, barely acknowleging me, but in the last two weeks of May it was like she had hours to spare. She did not want to go to sleep and I basically stayed up nights to keep her company. When I would arrive later on ICQ, she would casually mention it like "Ooo, you are late today" (though we never set exact times to meet), and she would ask me if it would be possible for me to come online earlier. One day she even told me that she deliberately went to sleep during the afternoon, in order to see me in the evening - I mean, what normal person does that for a pen pal!!! I felt a bit of pressure, and even noticed that in that period I was relieved when I saw that she was not online.

 

After 6 months things suddenly changed dramatically during the summer. On one day we we're having a normal conversation (I remembered telling her most guys usually don't like it when a girl constantly asks for attention. She told me if we could talk about something else as the topic was too painful for her...which hinted to me that she was still having relationship problems), and she told me to meet up with her on a specific date. I agreed, but she never came online that day. At first I thought that maybe she had simply forgotten, so I waited a few days. Eventually I decided to contact her on her new FB profile (she never told me she had one) and asked how she was and if everything was alright between us. Her reaction was unexpected….she did not respond and instead deleted her profile picture, friends, status, etc.

 

I was dumbstruck and thought that she did not wanted to talk with me anymore for whatever reason. I wrote her a goodbye letter and an hour later she suddenly phoned me on Skype. She apologized and told me that she did not knew what came over her and asked me to forgive her which I did. She made a new profile on FB and ICQ and added me there. The strange thing is....on the same day she suggested to talk on Skype every day....just a total 180 in one day...

 

You'd think that everything seemed back to normal, but a couple of days later she deleted me again from FB, saying that she deleted everyone since she doesn't talk there with anyone. However, a few days later she sends me a new friends request on FB....while her relationship status is changed to "in a relationship". From this moment on she dissapears again...longer than usual, and after a week of hearing nothing from her, I asked her about it and tell her how sometimes I feel so confused. Anyway, she kinda brushed things off, told me to exhale and explained to me that she was just tired during the day and wanted to relax in the evening. She said it was not related with me and that she would definitely write me, only she did not knew when. That same day she hid her relationship status. Later when I would try to talk with her, she would tell me that it was inconvenient for her because she had guests, and later that she was busy with her study. For me it was just hard to deal with the situation in the sense that earlier she would always be on ICQ and have some time for me, and suddenly she can't even have a couple of minutes for me in the week. I didn't knew or maybe believe that she would be that busy.

 

Over the next three months, things would remain like this. She became more and more distant and it seemed like every time when we talked, she was in a hurry or something. I would (too) often ask about this, and even suggested whether it would be better to take a break because I thought that it might be better to her, while I would have some clarity. She kinda dodged the question, only saying that everything was fine and that she would definitely write. She said that she was communicating less with everyone, and that I was a wonderful person but that she could not write as often as before.

 

In September things seemed to be a bit better again. We send each other messages on FB, although her replies were very short. For example, I would ask her how everything was at university, and she would not really answer the question, instead just asking me another question in response. Late September I made a very big mistake. I woke up early one day and saw that she was online. I asked her how she was. She did not answer, so I wrote her if she was busy….again nothing. Then I joked that it was going to be a monologue again and asked if I could write her later. I left and in the evening I saw that she still had not responded, even though she had been online for hours. I made the stupid mistake of writing her again and asking if everything was still good between us. Again nothing…..then wrote, that I just wanted to know if she was still going to answer that day and that this was the lowest point after communicating with her for more than 1,5 years. I told her that I was not angry or something, but that I am a human being and not a robot. Soon after, I regretted writing those things and I apologized, asked her to forget everything and wished her a good night.

 

However that same night, she deleted me from FB and ICQ, and even blocked me on FB which meant that I could not send her messages there anymore. I did manage to speak to her on Skype, again apologized and begged for a chance to explain everything. She told me that she deleted me because she already explained to me many times that if she does not respond immediately, then it means that she will respond when she has time. She told me that I just did not understand. She told me that she could not communicate every day and that I did not had to wait the entire time until she came online. I told her that I never wanted to communicate every day, and that for me the main thing was that to her it was comfortable. I always treated her very well, I was never angry at her and never said or did anything to upset her. She would often ask me to wait for her 5 or 10 minutes when we chatted, while usually leaving me in the cold for 2 or 3 hours. I never made a big deal out of it, because I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable. I asked if she could add me again, but she said that she did not want to. She told me that we would talk later and left.

 

I felt sad and a little scared that I lost her, so on the same evening I wrote her a letter on Skype explaining everything. I decided to give her time and did not come online for a week. A week later she wrote me, asking me how I was. However, in the meantime, I already made a video message for her, because I wanted to apologize in person. I said that I understood her situation and that I behaved like an idiot, and that I wished I had understood her better. I asked her to forgive me, wished her all the best, and I told her that if she still wants to communicate with me, then we would talk when it would be comfortable for her.

 

After I send the video message, I was online on Skype for the entire next week, usually almost the entire day hoping to see her and just get a chance to reconcile/patch things up. I did not see her that week, but suddenly on one evening I noticed that she deleted me in Skype (I guess she used the “show me as offline” function). This was one and a half week after I send the video message. I was quite upset, and made a new profile on FB in order to send her a goodbye message. She also blocked that account, and I don’t even know if she read my message, and so far that has been it. I have been in NC now for already a month.

 

Everybody tells me to move on (I am trying) and that she is not worth it, and if it were somebody else I would probably give the same advice....just it's always different when you are the person in the situation. She is the most unstable person whom I have ever met, but I still care for her like a friend and I would just like that everything was ok again before all the drama....in the sense that I just wish that we would be on speaking terms again. I don’t even know the exact reason why she deleted me. Was it because of the video, or because I was online so often on Skype which made her feel uncomfortable, or could there be another reason?

 

Feel free to ask questions. Thanks!

[abitbroken]

I am not sure what you were looking for or expecting? It was clear that she was in a relationship, then took a break, etc, and was having issues. I think she was using you as her emotional crutch and would be more involved when things were going bad. she may have wanted to meet for a booty call or implusively decided to meet when they broke up, but then changed her mind when they suddenly got back together. I think that you really should just forget about her. I think it had little to do with you and more of what was going on in her offline life.

[Fonnie]

I am not sure what you were looking for or expecting? .

 

Well, to be honest I have developed feelings for her (I mean, I have already communicated with her for such a long time) and I do care about her as a person in sense that I want her to be happy. She flirted with me a couple times - she was always the one who initiated it - and I played along, but nothing serious because I didn't want things to turn awkward. I just valued our friendship a whole lot more and I would never want to jeopardise that or take advantage of her i.e. when she was sad and in a vulnerable state and I can honestly say that I never did. Besides, we live in different countries, so it would be difficult.

 

I guess I just thought that we could be normal pen pals and that she could treat me normally like before when we only talked on facebook (before the whole ICQ and BF breakup thing). At that time she also had a BF, but we still were able to have really nice, normal conversations like normal friends have. I just miss that.

 

It was clear that she was in a relationship, then took a break, etc, and was having issues. I think she was using you as her emotional crutch and would be more involved when things were going bad. she may have wanted to meet for a booty call or implusively decided to meet when they broke up, but then changed her mind when they suddenly got back together. I think that you really should just forget about her. I think it had little to do with you and more of what was going on in her offline life.

 

I know and you're absolutely right. Deep down I always knew that I was her emotional crutch, although I just wanted to be a good friend and support her in difficult times. That's what friends do, right? I just didn't want her to feel sad, so I was just there for her when she needed. I remember one day when she felt horrible and wanted to go to the disco and "misbehave"....I sort of talked her out of it, told her not to do anything that she might regret the day after, and thus spend the night keeping her company. I don't mind to do these things, because I genuinly care for her as a person. I just hoped that we could have had a normal friendship like at the beginning when we first met and when she did not "needed" me.

 

You really think that she decided to delete me because of her offline situation (maybe in the sense that she has a BF and therefore does not need me anymore) and not because I was too needy or clingy? This is actually one of the main things that is killing me.....that I ruined our friendship by being too needy. Was sending a video message a bit too much, or did I freak her out with being online too much? I told her that I just missed her as a friend, though I noticed that she reacted a bit irritated. She told me that she treated me very well, and that she wrote less because she just did not want to be distracted.

 

I was just a bit tired of the situation, felt a bit like a yoyo at times.

[abitbroken]

Friend support friends in difficult times when they were friends for a long time or before the difficult times happen. She communicated with you to fill a hole, essentially. And there are even situations where good friends do not communicate and turn the other person back to their mate instead of thinking only about themselves and their wants and needs. Your "feelings for her" and the fact that you voiced them don't really register if she is clearly in a relationship and has made it clear through her actions on who she decides to be with in the sense that you should not hang on "because you have feelings". it is not going to change things as unfortunate as it sounds.

 

I know you miss her as a friend, but if you have feelings, and she just communicates when things are rough - it doesn't seem that this was a solid friendship, but a friendship of convenience.

[Fonnie]

Yes, I know.....friendship has to come from both sides. I put in the most effort and asked for the least, while she initially asked the most and put in the least effort. I guess it also explains a bit why it was hard for me to accept the situation.

 

It is actually ironic since she was the one who told me that friendship teaches us to give, although most people only want to take. I just thought that she was different....do you know the movie (500) Days of Summer? Basically it's about a guy who is very much in love with a girl. They get into a relationship and everything is wonderful, until suddenly she becomes detached and suddenly breaks up with him out of nothing. We talked about this film, and she told me that she cried for him and that she could not understand why the girl was so mean...

 

She once told me that she considered that her biggest flaw was that she treats a person too well when she takes a liking to him, but that in the end noone appreciates it. It sounded to me that she already faced a lot of disappointments, so I told her that I would not let her down. At first, she was also afraid that I would become tired of her, but I told her that I would always be there for her when she needed. She once even asked me: "And what if I never grow tired of you...?"

 

Because she always seemed to be such a sweet and caring person, I never expected that she would do the same thing to me. I guess, that I just hoped that our relationship was better than that, that she could also treat me normally when she did not have any problems like she did earlier prior to ICQ. But she is only a 20-year old girl (I myself am 25 years) so I often forgave her. She did tell me that she easily forgives people, which is why it is hard for me that she can't give me a second chance after treating her very well for such a long time.

 

Even now, I still mostly blame myself, or rather, I still believe the fault lies mainly with me....that I should have given her more space and that I scared her away or made it so uncomfortable for her that she grew tired of me. I try to explain and justify her decision to myself....it's pathetic

 

I never wanted to be her BF or something. When she had problems with her BF, I even jokingly said that I would have talked some sense into him if I would have known him personally. I have feelings for her, but not romantic ones...I just don't know if she realizes that or that she thinks that I want more, because that is not the case.

[Puma]

I read your original post and the replies entirely, and I'm going to be blunt: You're a doormat. This girl is using you as an emotional tampon and she sounds like a total nutcase. I don't understand how you've managed to deal with this kind of instability for a year and a half. Also, she's from a different country. Odds of you guys ever meeting face to face aren't very good, unless she commits to it---which, by the sound of it, just isn't happening.

 

Move on from this one and find a nice, local girl who isn't fickle and WON'T put you through such a mindf*ck. Abitbroken covered the rest nicely.

[Fonnie]

Hi Puma, thanks for your honest answer. Well, luckily I did not put up with it for 1,5 year. The first 6 months, when we only talked on FB, everything was normal. We were just normal penpals who got along with each other and there were no signs of instability from her side. Then she wanted more and suggested (actually, pretty much pushed me) to talk with her on ICQ and Skype. At that time I had no idea how things were going in her relationship, so I assumed that she just liked talking with me.

 

During the following 6 months, I noticed the instability - how sometimes I felt that she would very much wanted to talk with me, while other times being absent-minded. But these "periods" never lasted long and in the end we usually always talked a few times in the week. It was during the summer that I noticed a real change and when I asked her about it. I think too often which became annoying to her. For me the whole situation was just frustrating because I sensed that something changed but she would not tell me, instead saying that everything was fine. After 2 months when I again told her how I felt, she finally told me that could not write as often as before. Although it was crappy news, I was relieved that she told me at last.

 

Like I said before, I never wanted to be her BF or something. When she was with the other guy, I always supported her, giving her advice, and we got along normally. I just wanted to be normal penpals again like before all the breakup drama, but it takes two.