jengh Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 Hello, friends. It's been awhile! I have been through hell and back, but I'm working at crawling my way to the top. I'm still living out in Cali and can't imagine ever going back to Michigan. What brings me here today is a man. Of course. I dont know how to handle myself. I'm completely thrown aback with this entire relationship. It's amazing, to start off with. I have never felt this type of raw emotion and connection with another person in my entire life. He's insightful, he gets in my head like no one else ever has. Honestly, it scares me. Not in a bad way, but in a new way. I need advice on how to control myself, my feelings. I'm extra guarded because of the way I feel. It's not infatuation, I can tell the difference. This is something entirely new. Okay, a bit of background. I met him several weeks back on a lazy Sunday. I was having a drink in my neighborhood and just enjoying my day. A guy walks in and has a seat next to me. He says hi, we make eye contact and there's just this electric bolt that almost shocked me back to life. We start talking, he's incredibly easy to open up to. I learn he's significantly older than me (he doesn't look it though, I would've guessed 30 oldest but he's on the other side of the 30s), which is fine. We end up spending the night together and talking ALL night and into late the next day. Fast forward to present day. We see each other daily, most of the time I spend the night at his. We have such amazing chemistry in every category. The sex is completely mind-blowing, and on a higher level, almost like a spiritual connection when were physically expressing emotion. We can talk for hours on end, I never get bored of him. He's also completely real with me and doesn't let me get away with my usual BS. That's refreshing. He's met my friends, I've met his. One of my friends was shocked by the way we could SEE each other. He said it was almost spooky, like a telepathy thing and he's never seen anything like it before. We have so much fun together, but we are also totally serious and honest and upfront with one another. It's a very mature, adult relationship. We have the same goals, the same values, the same beliefs and morals. We're just...connected, as completely lame as it sounds. Today, for example...we went shopping and were completely dorky and cheesy. HE got a makeover at Sephora, instead of me. Just completely goofed around. But, we went back to his place and I basically crashed to this sudden huge realization of all the crap I have going on in my life (work, parents, money, friends) and I broke down. He was there for me, held me, talked to me for hours (until about an hour ago, actually). The conversation flowed and I suppose we defined the relationship for what it was. We're on the same page with this connection thing. He aid he's only felt this way a couple of times before, the first time he ended up married for 15 years and the second time, she passed away suddenly. So, it's definitely a rare thing. He just stopped what he was saying, looked at me and, as if reading MY terrified mind, said, "hey, it's okay. I feel that connection and electricity too. I can tell you're freAked out, but it's a beautiful thing. Don't be afraid". Completely blown away. I knew he cared about me but I thought this was all in my head. I have evaluated things from every rational perspective imaginable and I've talked to my therapist and my mother and the only thing I can come up with is that this might be the real deal. I'm not rushing anything. I have-not dropped the L bomb, I haven't been a crazy, neurotic, psycho like I usually am. I've been pretty contained. Because I'm scared to death. Okay I know this has gone on for ages and I'll try to wrap it up. I'm scared because I know hows strong y feelings are and I know how much he could break my heart. I know the relationship is still new, also. We've had fights, we're not in the honeymoon phase. We're very comforable with one another. But here's the thing. I am completely in love with him. I just want everything with him. What do I do? Hw do I handle this? I'm so confused! He's just coming back now. Help me! I can't ruin this. Am i totally crazy? Should I keep my guard completely up? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 I am getting a rushed feeling, so I can understand your worry. After only a few weeks - hanging out everyday and sex? I generally advise taking it much slower. Not because the connection isn't there but a) you CAN burn each other out and b) both of you need to develop love and trust and no matter what that takes time. Why not spend a little less time together and try to spend a lot of mental energy meditating and clearing your mind? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sidehop Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 He aid he's only felt this way a couple of times before, the first time he ended up married for 15 years and the second time, she passed away suddenly. I'm sure he cares and feels the same but with his past the fear is probably different for him as well. Slow down a bit jen I'm sure this experience is very refreshing for you. But take some time for yourself as well and do something together completely different to get to know each other. After all it doesn't sound like he's going anywhere any time soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted November 9, 2011 Share Posted November 9, 2011 I agree with this and think it's essential to get to know each other over a period of time -telepathy aside, nothing substitutes for seeing how each other reacts in daily life - when he has a cold or you, a great day at work, an awful day at work, holidays/birthdays/Arbor Day -you get the picture. And you can't know that in a few weeks - in fact, if you're rushing this much you tend to ignore the daily life stuff in the beginning so it takes even longer to get to know each other in reality. Which is fine- what's the rush -just agreeing with the others. And if it's the real deal, nothing to rush, nothing to be scared of (although of course I understand your "jitters"). And I'd curb the urge to break down in front of him for hours despite the strong connection - save that for therapy or a close friend and let him get to know you in your daily life - not in an overwrought/overwhelmed state. If you feel that overwhelmed all the more reason to get to know him over a reasonable period of time instead of this speed of light insta-relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jengh Posted November 10, 2011 Author Share Posted November 10, 2011 I know. That's a big reason I posted this--so people would remind me to stay in check!! I'm trying not To be illogical here. And Batya, I wasn't trying to say we had some kind of telepathic powers, just that we have a strong understanding lol. I'm not totally losing it As for the meditating thing, I'm glad it wOrks for some ok, but I it's a bunch of poo. No offense meant, of c ourselves,just completely not me. I appreciate the suggestion though!!! Side hop, do you have any ideas for activities? He suggested ice skating in Union Square. I think that would be sooo fun! An outdoor rink in california, looking up and seeing palm trees and seeing the high fashion stores surrounding? Itd be something different. Plus, I could show off my skillz, yo. Lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 OK, at 3 weeks, it can be very exciting, but it's just 3 weeks! You say you're not in the honeymoon phase, but the honeymoon phase usually lasts at least a couple years! So this is all quite exciting and I am happy for the fun you are having, but remember that a solid long term relationship is about a lot more than just being excited. It sounds like he's about 15 years older that you, which could be no problem or a big problem depending on who he really is as a person, which you honestly cannot know until a LOT of time has passed and you've seen what he is about. Some older men adore sweeping younger women off their feet because they do get very excited about 'romance' in ways an older woman his own age might be more practical, or perhaps he just likes younger bodies and will trade in woman after woman to get one. Or maybe he likes variety and puts on a big rush in the beginning, but fades or chases another woman once the spark wears off. You have no way of knowing that one way or another until enough time has passed that you can see what he's really about. Some men put on a great show in the beginning and fade later. And sometimes people do meet and fall in love and it lasts 50 years. But you need to SLOW DOWN and not plan the wedding in your head until you've gone a LOT longer than a few weeks! You do have a pattern of getting very excited about men in the beginning and thinking they are 'perfect', so you need to recognize that tendency and try to look at this guy as having great potential, but needing time to see if it is something that will truly last and that you are compatible in lots of important areas that are needed to go the distance. To give you perspective, I know a man who is completely charming, and has learned that women LOVE when he reflects their own selves back at them... it creates a (false) emotional connection and that they were 'meant' for each other because they appear to have so much in common and instantly click, but the guy is really a chameleon and a HUGE womanizer who takes on the traits/interests/personality of the women he dates and wants to sleep with because it makes it so exciting and makes her so much more sexually responsive to him very quickly. So if she loves skydiving, he's like 'you do, i can't believe it, i love that too!'. He mirrors her back, and she eats it up. So he does this to manipulate the situation, and he enjoys the intensity for a while, but then he gets bored and when she gets really serious, he eventually starts looking for a new love and finds one and his identity shifts again. There are unfortunately many people who can do this. I am not saying your guy is one of them, but the only way you will know if this is a genuine connection or just his skills at manipulating women is to spend time with him and wait out that honeymoon period (a couple years) and see if he is still the same consistent person that he appears to be. You have to be very careful watching for this with older men when you're a younger woman, because they have 15 years or more of practice playing the romance game than you do, and some are genuine but a lot may still be single because they are skirt chasers and like the naivete of younger women because they like being in control. So you don't have to be suspicious of him, but you do have to really rein in any fantasies you have now that he is 'perfect' because you don't know if he's a keeper or not after only a few weeks, and won't know what he's really about for a long time. So enjoy, but also recognize that it is not in your best interest to idolize him or assume he's a keeper when you haven't had time to see him in lots of different situations and know that he is who you hope him to be. Just remember how cool and wonderful and perfect the world seems when you high on drugs or drunk... you're getting that heightened effect right now due to all the 'new love' hormones coursing thru your veins. That 'limerance' that one feels for a new love also casts an incredibly rosy and 'perfect' glow over the object of your attention, so you have to take with a grain of salt any 'he's perfect' you feel when limerance hormones are in effect. You will only know if he's the right one for you when the limerance fades and you discover you do have so much in common and have the same goals and compatible money management styles etc etc. there is so much more to a good relationship than just feeling a connection... You have to give yourself time to really discover him rather than assuming he is perfect because you've got a ton of new love hormones zipping around in your veins right now. Time will tell! I really believe time is your FRIEND because if you do take your time and not jump to any conclusions, you will make better decisions and avoid disasters. That old expression 'Marry in haste, repent in leisure' does apply from the standpoint of it is better to be safe than sorry, and taking your time won't hurt a relationship if it is right, and will save you from a lot of disasters if he turns out to not be quite as cool as you hoped he would be. I think what might help you is to remind yourself that rather than being 'completely in love with him', you are completely in love with who you think and hope he really is... you won't know for sure everything about him and whether he truly is who you hope he is until the test of time has proved him to be telling the truth, honorable, compatible on every important level (practical and emotional), and as interested in building a life together permanently as you are. You honestly have no way of knowing that right now, but do have time to explore and have fun finding out! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 I know. That's a big reason I posted this--so people would remind me to stay in check!! I'm trying not To be illogical here. And Batya, I wasn't trying to say we had some kind of telepathic powers, just that we have a strong understanding lol. I'm not totally losing it As for the meditating thing, I'm glad it wOrks for some ok, but I it's a bunch of poo. No offense meant, of c ourselves,just completely not me. I appreciate the suggestion though!!! Side hop, do you have any ideas for activities? He suggested ice skating in Union Square. I think that would be sooo fun! An outdoor rink in california, looking up and seeing palm trees and seeing the high fashion stores surrounding? Itd be something different. Plus, I could show off my skillz, yo. Lol. I understand what you mean by telepathy and a strong understanding. Many people feel that way after a few weeks - see how it feels in 6 months to a year - hopefully that strong understanding will be there still and will have evolved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
veneratio Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 Thought I'd chime in as far as activities go. If you haven't already tried it and if you aren't afraid of the dark, dining in the dark is a pretty awesome experience. Something different, at least. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted November 11, 2011 Share Posted November 11, 2011 Um, why am I just now hearing abuot all of this? Sad face I hope it works out well. You know my thoughts already. love you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.