going through bad breakup, girlfriend decided to be a lesbian

[musicman777]

Hi Everyone,

I'm new here but I just wanted a place to talk to others about my recent relationship tragedy. I am a 21 year old man (22 in February). I am in a good college, I make pretty good money, I am in shape and do sports, I write and produce my own music, and not to brag but I got the looks too 8). I have it all but the one thing missing from my life once again is that right woman last month almost one month ago to the date now the girl of my dreams walked out on me because she was keeping a dark secret about her sexual preference.... the story begins now. I want to talk about how we met and then what happened that caused us to break up. I've probably deleted this story and re-typed it a thousand times. I have so much to say but it's too much for people to actually read. I want to keep it short and sweet.

 

In a nutshell, I fell in love with my best friends sister. He was totally fine with it and actually encouraged it. I didn't see her since 2008 till this summer (we live someone close but none of us drive, me at the time, my friend, or his sister), we started playing video games together and past that everything moved forward. She passed off little hints she liked me and would even beg her brother to play games with me. I found out we had a lot in common and I let my well fortified walls down and let her in. I stepped up, started making more money, saved up for a car. I had a huge crush on her during April, May, June, and July. It was hell, I wanted to tell her how I felt but I couldn't do anything and I didn't want to make a move over a dumb video game or anything, this had to be done in person.

Finally at the end of July, I couldn't take it anymore. I went to (believe it or not) a candle party she invited me to on Facebook. I took this as a hint as I was the only guy invited on that list and made a move. She gave me her phone number and from there on in we began dating. We went on a couple dates, had our first romantic kiss, it was pure magic. Nothing like that ever happened to me before. I've had girlfriends before but this girl lite up my world. Finally we were together.

I was in pure la la land for months. I couldn't believe it, the girl of my dreams was in my arms. We would spend hours together. I bought her roses, took her everywhere, dinners, concerts, I treated her the absolute best I could. I needed a car for college but the only true reason I really bought it was to be with her. I thought she felt the same way I did. Her face would light up when I would kiss her. She seemed so happy. She admitted to me that she was falling in love with me.

 

Well the last day of September we went on a typical date and had a great time. Everything was fine but the preceding week however I knew something was wrong. She locked herself in her room. She didn't want to call or text me. Finally the weekend came and she told me I had to let her go. Our relationship was above average. We were bonnie and clyde. Everyone knew about us and our romantic relationship. I needed to know the truth.

Finally she came out with the truth. She admitted to me that she is a lesbian. My good friend who's her brother really didn't evne know about this. She was in a relationship with another girl for over three years and got extremely depressed over breaking up with her to the point where she tried to kill herself. She said she was forcing herself to be with me and she realized after dating me that she doesn't want to be with a man.

 

I've gotten way better but I'm still not 100% over this. I am over her and I realize I can never be with her, but I feel completely betrayed and stupid for allowing myself to fall for her so easily. All the signs led me to her, it felt like faith finally worked in my favor. We only were together for a few months but I liked her for the past half a year. She was my ultimate goal in life. She connected with my family, with me, I thought if this girl stayed with me for years I would probably marry her. I'm shocked.

I guess now I don't know what to do next. Should I started dating again? I'm horrible at talking to people. I don't even know where to start. I don't even know what I want in a woman anymore. She was my dream girl. She played guitar, video games, she liked the same music, she was cute, I had no idea she was ever a lesbian. I don't know if I can ever like a girl with the same qualifications again. The reason she was into so many guy things was because she was a lesbian.

 

Has anyone else been in my shoes? How should I got about moving on over this? Like I said I am over her, I just am having trouble moving on with my life. I am stil good friends with her brother and luckly I never have to see her cause usually all we do is play games over the web. I haven't seen or spoke to her since this happened. I've done everything right. I treated her well and this is something that was her fault, not mine. It just feels though like I've been used and tossed aside and I lost my lover out of this. Everything I do reminds me of what we had. Driving on the road, listening to music, everything I do it reminds me of it. I don't want her back but I feel very lost and broken. It's November 8th now and I feel like my mind is in July. I went through hell to meet this girl in person and make a move on her. Maybe the reason I was meant to be with her was so I could learn to finally be a man. Or maybe we really were meant to be but our relationship ran it's course, which is what I like to think. It ran it's course. It just sucks though, I don't look at relationships short term. I want a serious relationship in my life and I thought she was the one.

It feels like I have to re-evaluate everything in my life. I just needed a place to vent, I just wanted to see what others thought about my experience. Sorry I tried to keep this short but it's a serious subject in my life. I fell in love with this girl and I feel really empty in side. Who knows, may there is another girl reading this right now that would love to give me another chance to love someone.

[LSgirl]

Hmm..my ex bf was with a girl before me. They dated 8 years (engaged 4 years) he always knew she was bisexual. But she cheated on him with a girl and he broke up with her. She now lives with the girl she cheated on him with for over a year now. I'm glad you have moved on and realized there is nothing you can do. Now I've fallen in love with someone who could never get over his lesbian/bisexual ex-fiancee and I feel so hurt. We want a healthy long-term relationship, and these people cannot give us that. It's something we have no control over but to take it as an experience that has made us who we are today. I wish I had more advice to offer, but I hope you will find love again.

[Gracelove]

Hey There Musicman777!

 

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. I can relate because my ex-fiance was gay. It's sad when you plan on spending your life with someone, but it doesn't work out.

 

Maybe it's best for you to get back in there and date.

I haven't dated since my ex and I broke up and it's been over 4 years.

 

I understand how you feel in regards to not knowing what to look for in a partner anymore. When you had what you thought you wanted....the ending was less than ideal.

 

I also felt silly for not immediately realizing my fiance was gay. In retrospect I couldn't believe it wasn't obvious to me. However at the time, for some reason, I just didn't think a gay man would date or actively pursue a woman.

For example, I'm a woman who likes men, so I'm not going to go around dating women just for the heck of it.

 

However, everyone is different, and I ended up learning that lesson the hard way, LOL! Anywho, I guess I just want to say, don't be too hard on yourself for not knowing, or realizing her orientation. At least you won't have to worry about making that same mistake twice.

 

Hang in there, and just get back to dating. You may not know what you want in a woman right now, but you may never know. The only way to find out is just to date and see what you like.

[musicman777]

Hey,

Thanks so much for the replies so far, I would love to hear more from others! Yea, I have definitely come to the conclusion I can never be with her. I've had a couple relapses and almost did something drastic to try to win her back after this happened a few weeks after it happened, I'm glad I didn't. Honestly I don't think I can ever talk to her again. I'm not going to ever quit being friends with her brother but her, I can't do it. I don't want there to be feelings between us, I don't think I can look at her after all this has happened. Maybe it's too soon to tell, maybe years down the road I won't care anymore but definitely not anytime soon can I ever talk to her.

 

I feel alot better after posting here, it just felt like I needed to tell others. I like how one of you was talking about the signs of your ex lover being a bisexual. There were signs of her being a lesbian, but I never realized it until after it happened. Here was some tell tale signs for those interested. Even if you are in a serious relationship or you really like someone, I guess what i learned is to not ignore your instinct. Something in the back of my mind told me something was off about the way she acted. Even my dog would climb between the two of us like he didn't like her. Anyway here are teh signs:

1) JOB: She was a firefighter and worked at a construction job. These are the biggest tell tale signs. I thought she was just a tom boy for this. Also, she wants to be a cop in the future. Someone told me that the way she is she wants to be like the guy of the relationship with another woman.

2) CLOTHES AND MAKEUP: Okay, some girls actually just don't like make up, but she never wore any. No makeup, wore guys skateboarding shoes, never worse any dresses or nice clothes, always t shirts and jeans. She had absolutely no sense of fashion someone like a guy. Again, I thought she was a tom boy but looking back at it her clothing definitely gave off that she was a lesbian.

3) SMOKING / OTHER HABITS: Okay I've come to realize that ALOT of people are smokers these days, but this girl. She smoked and she was on anti-depressants. If you are dating someone my age that has mental issues already like depression do you really want to spend the rest of your life with them? And the smoking for her was a result of her stress from her dark secrets.

4) KISSING / PHYSICAL CONTACT: This girl really would break apart when I kissed her, but at certain times, she seemed to back away. We never escalated physically. I never wanted to have sex with her but we never even made out all those months! If she was a straight woman, maybe she would have been into that kind of thing more. I thought she was just shy.

5) LACK OF ATTENTION/INTEREST: There were times where I felt like she didn't care about me at all. I would text and I wouldn't get an answer till later in the day. I never felt like I got the attention and love I deserved that I was giving to her.

6) HOBBIES: Okay, there is nothing wrong with girls being into the things she was into, but she was really over the top. Video games, guitar, cars, exercising, she was kind of lean for a woman. I don't mind if they are in shape but she was pretty built for a girl. Also, little signs, like she would kill bugs with her bare hands and stuff, alot of girls I've known in the past hate bugs, insects, and other things. She even would go in the pet store and like snakes and lizards and things like she wanted to get one?

 

THE BIGGEST TELL TALE SIGN: THE EYES

Looking at her eyes, looking at her pictures, I can see it blind as day. She is a lesbain. There's just something about her eyes that give it away.

 

As mad as I am over this, I am glad she made me end it. She did the right thing by not letting this go farther but I wish she would have told me this before we started dating. We created memories together, took photos together, it's ridiculous that she tried to do that all when she is a lesbian. Also, she's dated guys before supposedly and has had this happen before. Maybe I just laid it on think and was different from other guys. She said I wasn't a guy but a man and she never had a guy come around like me. Also, one of the last things she said to me when we last spoke; if she could could change who she is to be with me she would but she can't.

 

Yea, I'm just gonna have to start dating again. I definitely like rocker girls, people that are into heavy music. I am a guitar player, maybe instead of a girl to play along with one that will just sit there and listen to me play would be nice. I was thinking of trying some dating websites out but I don't know. Some friends (female friends) say I should do dating sites because it's like letting faith work. But maybe, if faith is even real (I've always been a man of science I don't always believe in faith and religion) this was meant to happen. Me losing her would cause me to go on one of these sites and find that right person. Who knows, dating sites though look like a brigth future. I honestly dont' think Iwill ever find someone in college.

[abitbroken]

Your list of signs of a lady being a lesbian don't entirely hold water for everyone. There are plenty of women in predominantly male jobs and women who don't wear makeup who are definitely straight. There are also lesbians who dress femininely. So its not so cut and dry.

 

I think this young lady did care about you, but could not be something she was not. She tried. I think you should be thankful that this happened now and not after 10 years of marriage. I also think that you should protect her secret and not tell everyone in town - and let her tell people close to her when she is ready even though it looks more appealing to you to explain you were dumped because someone is gay rather than something you did. You did nothing wrong, but for now you might have to leave the explaining up to her or tell folks you broke amicably or don't' want to talk about it.

 

I do agree that you should date, but not before you take time for yourself to heal. Otherwise you will take it out on the next young woman - being overly suspicious of her being a lesbian and looking over her friends, grooming, etc, with a suspicious eye.

[FathomFear]

Speaking as a gay man who was closeted for a very long time (I didn't come out to myself or others until the age of 22) I would just want to emphasize that this more than likely wasn't an intentional or malicious act on her part. The pressure to engage in "normal", straight relationships is overwhelming. I count myself lucky that I only went on a few dates with women before the "wrongness" feeling pushed me away from it. Not everyone is so lucky, and then end up deep in the closet and sometimes staying in relationships for years, getting married, having kids, etc, before they finally come to terms with it.

 

I'm not sure what to say other than try to focus on the fact that you're both victims of the heterosexist/homophobic society we live in. Kids aren't raised to think this is okay. There are layers upon layers of pressure and expectation to be straight. In light of that, it's not shocking that this happens--and everyone ends up suffering. Both the gay/lesbian people and the people they end up dating while closeted. It's sad all around.

[LSgirl]

My best friend is gay and I met him senior year of high school. I watched him date girls (didn't sleep with them, just made out) and I was the only one that knew he was gay. I felt bad for his gf but it was not my business to tell her. Eventually she found out years later, but in high school, he was one of the runners up for prom king, nobody had any idea. Now of course he's out and everybody knows, but he didn't do it to her on purpose or to hurt her. However, it is more difficult for you as you have fallen for this girl and love her, but you WILL love again. The fact that you've had experience to LOVE another person is a wonderful feeling and gift in itself. A beautiful experience u would have never taken away if you could right?

[cuddlecat]

Trust me, if she went against everything she was feeling inside and made an attempt to date you, then you really were special to her. Try to keep that in mind. You were someone who mattered and she really wanted to be with you. But she could not change her orientation or the natural way she felt inside. Think of it this way. You are a straight guy. Would you be happy if you changed and started dating men? No, it would not feel right or feel natural to you. You would be unhappy and you would have to leave and start dating women.

 

Coming out can be a very painful time. Society puts such pressure on people to be straight. The teenage years and young adult years can be extremely hard for gay people. Most start in heterosexual relationships and really try to confirm to society's expectations. But over time, they realize that is doesn't feel right and they struggle with these feelings. Start dating other girls. Once you are over her, you two will probably end up being great friends.

 

Also, you really need to stop the generalizations about gay people and trying to find evidence about her which confirms she is gay. Gay people come in all shapes and sizes. I know supe femme gay women and gay men who are total jock studs. Not all lesbians work labor jobs or dress butch with no makeup. This idea that one lesbian is the man in the relationship and one is the women is nonsense. That is old stereotypes from the 60s and your naiviety is showing.

[musicman777]

I seem to like your response the most cuddlecat. That's the way I view this and believe the way it was is that I really meant something to her. Before me, this girl shoved everyone aside including her own family. She was actually in a huge long lasting fight with her brother before I moved in, then they started talking again. She really did gave me a chance. She got the full experience and wanted to be with me. If she ever had a chance to go full on straight it was with me. There were times I though she was really happy. She would look back at me after dropping her off places like she really liked me. I thought she was the one.

Although I meant something to her, I still wish she would have said something in the very beginning though. Maybe she was scared I wouldn't have dated her then but it wasn't right. I spent alot of time and money on her. Money was never an object for me when it came to her but still. This was something inevitable to happen. And she lied away about the way she really felt all this time and led me on all those months during the summer. Honestly, I liked her so much I probably would have gave it a chance knowing she was a lesbian and I would have probably been able to restrain myself for completely falling for her the way I did.

 

One thing to clear up, you said about one woman being like the man. Well like I said in my post earlier, I'm not really be naive, someone else told me that that is an older woman. I never really viewed it like that though although it makes sense to me. Still, the other signs. I'm not saying every woman out there who is into any of the things above are straight up lesbian. But it was definite, absolute tell tale signs. When someone shuts guys out so bad and are into that kind of things, it is questionable that they are gay. You say they come in all shapes and colors, that is 110% true. She was into all that stuff but she wasn't butch to me. I thought she was a beautiful, normal, straight girl that wanted to be with me. She fooled my entire family. My dad even says he can pick them out in a crowd but he got to know her well and didn't pick her out. When there are little signs to go by you have to look at things like that.

Sounds like some of you really show compassion on her side. I understand her situation fully now but the bottom line is, she hurt me. The reason I look at signs that give away if a woman is a lesbian is because I don't want to get hurt again. I'm not going to go around judging other woman. I'm not going to go around telling everyone in town either that this girl is a lesbian. I'm not going to be a big baby about it. Also for those out there, I've never had anything against people in gay relationships, EVER. In fact I support them. If people want to be happy let them be happy with who they want to be with. But she hurt me and lied to me for months. Her being a lesbian is something I would never, ever have thought about, now it's something I have to be aware of. Woman might not be * * * * s, into drugs or pot (although it turns out this one was into drugs and tried to kill herself), but there is a very definite possibility that they are lesbians and also after having this happen, I have come to realize that his is a VERY common thing these days.

 

This could have all been avoided. And you also say we will probably end up being great friends... I don't think so. She wanted that from me but I can never give her friendship again, probably even years down the road if I am with another woman. Trust me, I've thought about that for a very long time and I honestly don't ever want to be friends with her after this. I took her off my phone, I blocked her on Facebook, I have completely shut her out of my life. I can't ever think about that girl without thinking about the love we shared together and the way she hurt me in the end. Thinking of being with her in person brings on way too many emotions. It probably always will. Honestly there's relationships I've had that ended 7+ years ago. I still think about those every day. She even said herself, she don't think she can ever go to my house or look my family in the face again after what she did.

I'm glad to hear the standpoint from some others who are attracted to the same sex. You view things from her standpoint, it makes more sense to me why she tried to date me and gave it a shot. You guys just want to fit in and be normal. I kinda get that more now than I did before I posted on this site.

[BlueRose66]

Hey there! Well just jumping in to let you know that I am a lesbian but you would never know it. I mean I wear make up and am very feminine, have long hair and even have children and grandchildren. It ( the lesbianism ) was something that was always there, but fully came out a bit later in life.

 

Her choice, while it hurt you very much I think, really has nothing to do with you and you shouldnt take it personally. I know its gotta be hard for a young guy to not have it affect his ego and pride not to mention your heart. Please try to understand this.

 

She was probably into you and its so great that you have given her an experience that was hopefully good of being with men to take with her into her life of memories. I know it probably hurts too much now to be in contact, but I hope in time you will forgive her and be friends or at least friendly some day.

 

I hope you will heal up nicely, and find another woman who is completely straight and be super happy. I know you will someday and this will just be a memory.

 

If you have any questions that I can help you with, feel free to ask.

 

There is really no way of knowing who is straight and who is gay unless it is blatantly obvious. Also, it happens to "Us" too meaning that a supposedly lesbian or gay partner leaves for the straight life.

 

Such is the way of the world. Dont let this make you bitter. And also, this has got to be very hard for her too. She probably didnt mean to lie to you intentionally, perhaps she was scared, very scared?

[musicman777]

Hey Bluerose,

Thanks for your nice response! This is exactly why I came here is to get input from other people who are in her shoes. Just like you said, I am 110% sure she really like me, she even said I gave her the full guy experience. I set the bar the highest and I am the one that made her realize she wanted to be a lesbian. I guess that doesn't really bother me even though it sounds kinda wrong. Every other guy she has ever tried to go with she wouldn't even consider their first date a "date". I treated her well, cuddled her, kissed her, bought her flowers, nice dinners, I used to call her my queen because that's how I treated her. She told me that I wasn't a guy but a man, that really meant alot even to this day.

 

Before I went to date her in person I always had this feeling like I had to save her. Like somehow I knew this girl needed help, she always had this look and sound like something was wrong/missing. I think in a way I did my job. I saved her. I think I helped her discover what she truly wants in life and that is to be a lesbian.

 

As for me, well, I don't know what I really got from this experience. She is the first adult relationship I've ever had and the first girl that I truly went above and beyond for. It just sucks because I thought she was the one. It's hard to be so into someone and then have them come out with something like that out of the blue. And honestly... I've come to realize that I think her dad had something to do with her breaking up with me. He's a good guy, he knows I'm best friends with his son. There is some huge evidence that he had a talk with her about this. She's a very kind hearted person, I think she was scared to cut it off with me.

Well, that's it. I don't really know what else to say from this point on but I'm glad I had a place to vent. I think I'm finally ready to move and I think I got a better understanding now about why this really happened. The end result, you can't change the DNA of someone who wants to be in a gay relationship. And I blame society (like someone else posted here) for having this happen. There's alot of pressure to fit in and be normal.

 

Deep deep down inside... I wouldn't say this to anyone I know in person but I still care about this girl. If there was a way to make a gay person straight and have her come back to me I would take it in a heartbeat. I miss her really bad. I can honestly say I'm over her and am moving on but at the same time, how I felt about her and what we had, it was magic. I set the bar her dating guys, well she set the bar for girls. Even though she was a lesbian I know there are girls out there that want a real relationship and not just sex. There are girls out there that respect your wallet, can get along with your family, and be really fun to be around. And maybe someday far down the road I can be friends with her again, but right now I can't do that, not for a long time. I will admit I'm bitter. I'm upset, I'm angry. My head is all over the place. Some days I feel like I can be friends and other days I feel like I could call her and cuss her out right then and there. I've restricted myself from all of that. Blocked her off facebook, got rid of her number. I'm talking to a new girl, not dating but it's a step in the right direction I think. I think I should avoid contact for a long time till I truly know what I want from her.

[BlueRose66]

You are going through the healing process just like everyone else. Its normal to be all over the place and be angry some days, and sad others. Its ok to be bitter for now. You will heal from this and the bitterness will dissapate.

 

Its just like any other break up. Unless a bolt of lightening comes down to change her, nothing will change. Its the same for me and my partner and its just a different issue. You just have to get to a place of acceptance and forgiveness, which will take time and you working through all the other stuff.

 

Its OK to still care about her!!!! You know what that means- that you have a heart and are a good guy!!! Yeah for that my friend....

 

She will always remember you and her experience with men in a special way and that is a huge thing. My ex, a lifer lesbian didnt have a good experience with the guy she was with. She would never tell me about it either. So think of it in that way too.

 

You are going to get through this just fine, it is just gonna take time.