how to deal with parents like this

[yellowjello]

ABOUT ME: I am 23, graduated college living at home while applying for grad schools. I am currently unemployed just working on admissions.

 

I feel that my parents are too controlling. Here is the situation:

 

I admit I don't do much work around the house. I'm pretty absent minded and usually when they tell me to do a chore or errand I end up forgetting and they have to tell me a hundred times to get me to do it. They lecture me a lot about that and keep saying they want me to be a part of the house and take the initiative to help out on my own.

 

but they are really controlling about me going out. Sometimes they don't give me permission to go anywhere because I haven't done enough at home (helping out around the house). But it's not always about that. They said "even if you do whatever chores you're supposed to do, that doesn't mean we will let you go wherever you want". They don't want me to go out late (past 10) unless its a special circumstance that I'd have to discuss with them. If I do want to go anywhere, I can't just tell them I'm going out and leave. I have to talk to them about it prior, and explain what I'm doing where I'm going who I'll be with, and get permission first. Sometimes when I want to go somewhere they say no it's not necessary just stay home. They act like I'm always out but I go out at most 3 times a week. When I go somewhere I have to tell them what time I expect to be home, and if I cross the time limit I am expected to call them to tell them it's getting late. Sometimes I go hang out with my friends, my parents think I'll be home around 7, but I don't come home until 10 and they get mad that I never called. I can't just say I don't know when I'll be home. They won't let me go unless I give them a time. I ask why I have to give them a time and they say "because otherwise you'll just go out all day for 6 hours and come home at night". They never let me go to the concerts I wanted to go to because they were worried that I'm going out to NYC (about an hour from my house) real late and I'm driving and all that and they aren't comfortable with it. All the times I wanted to go to a concert I basically had to just go anyway even though they said no.

 

Also they're really strict about who I see because I have a boyfriend and they don't want me to get into a relationship right now. They want me to focus on my own life and getting into grad school and getting a job etc. So if I do go anywhere they want to know who I'm going with and make sure it's not him. They're always worried that I'll say I'm meeting someone else, and go meet him. They don't let me sleepover anywhere because they probably think I'll just sleepover at his house. I think that's a large factor (it's not only this, but it's a factor) in their protectiveness.

 

I always have to lie to them. If I want to go hang out I have to make up a reason to get out of the house (like saying I have some errand to do) in order to guarantee I can go. If I just tell them I want to hang out, it's a gamble whether I'll be allowed or not. Also anytime I want to see my boyfriend I have to lie and say I'm going somewhere else or seeing someone else. Sometimes I get caught in my lies and that makes them crack down even harder and then they let me go out even less because of what I did.

 

It's getting to the point where I can't take it anymore and I just want to move out. I don't want to have to take their permission whenever I want to go somewhere. I should be able to just go wherever I want.

 

It's also getting really bad. It's like a cycle. They keep restricting me, which makes me frustrated and creates tension. I lie and stuff to be able to go where I need to go, and they find out and it makes our relationship worse. Also all the times I need to go somewhere and they say no, and I end up going anyway it is all making our relationship worse.

 

It really is a cycle: they say they are really strict about me going because I lie a lot and they can't trust me, but I only lied a lot because they were strict in the first place (not as strict as now, but they wouldn't have let me go if I told them where I was going). Them being strict makes me lie, me lying makes them more strict!

[rosephase]

If I were you I would buckle down and get into grad school in a different city and get out of your parents house. Your 23, you are an adult and should be able to stay out late but as long as you are living with them and not doing a great job of contributing to the house then you kind of have to live by there rules. They are giving you a free place to stay, they are feeding you, you don't work and you don't go to school and you still aren't helping around the house when they ask you too? That is pretty ungrateful even if you blame it all on absent mindedness. To them it probably feels like you just don't respect them enough to pay attention. Help out more and do everything you can to get on your feet and out of the their house because at 23 you should be able to lead your own life.

[Furtive]

Go above and beyond taking care of the house. Do the dishes without being asked, mow the lawn, take out the trash, sweep, mop, vacuum, keep your room tidy, clean the bathrooms, and wash the windows. You're not working, you're not in school, it literally takes like two hours a week tops to do all that if you stay on top of it, and don't let it get out of hand.

 

Be kind, be respectful, thank them all the time. Let them know you appreciate all that they're doing for you. Don't expect thanks or ask for it for anything you do, and don't wait for them to ask you to do something.

 

Keep them in the loop on your academic progress, or lack of it, let them see your applications and what not without them asking. Show them your letters of recommendation, have them critique what you write, and humbly respect their opinion.

 

Don't go out for at least a month. Keep on top of all I said above. You will have your freedom.

 

You give your parents what they want, without them asking for it, and they'll give you what you want.

 

Of course, I can only assume you won't do any of this. At least do yourself the favor of reading some books on interaction, my favorite being: How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. If you're extremely lazy...and forget about things, this article pretty much sums it up: link removed

 

Twelve Ways to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say "You're Wrong."

If you're wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

Begin in a friendly way.

Start with questions to which the other person will answer yes.

Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

Let the other person feel the idea is his or hers.

Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.

Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.

Appeal to the nobler motives.

Dramatize your ideas.

Throw down a challenge.

[Capricorn3]

I agree 100% with the two posts above. I don't think they are being unreasonable, or that they are asking too much of you. You admit you barely do anything around the house and that they have to ask you a hundred times before you do anything. You admit that you lie to them all the time. All of this shows very clear disrespect to them. It's the old saying: "Their house, their rules. If you don't like it, and don't agree, then move out." You're 23 and an adult, not 12.

 

There is so much you can do to make your life more pleasant at home if only you pull your weight and do your share, but you choose not to, and then you wonder why they get upset and have become what you think is "controlling".

[OptomisticGirl]

I'll be honest, I didn't read the whole post. Once I saw your age and read the part about were you don't do all you can around the house, I already knew what my advice was going to be:

 

Your an adult - if you don't like living under their circumstances, move out.

[blueidealist24]

Your parents are way too controlling of you for someone who is 23 years old. You should try to do more around the house but I have a feeling that won't make them change (from personal experience with my Dad, nothing would make him change his mind about being controlling). I think you really need to find a way to move out, even if it's getting a student loan.

[shl025]

Parents don't and won't change. Check your private messages please

[metrogirl]

As a parent, I would be pretty ticked too if I came home from work and there you were, house is still dirty and nothing was done all day. There isn't a reason in the world why you can't clean up around the house, that would at least get your parents off your back somewhat and if you continued to do it everyday, I bet they would probably relax a lot more about you going out. It has to be a give/take situation, you can't just take take take without giving something in return.

[Mesemene]

I'll be honest - as a parent, if I came home from work, errands, cooking, cleaning and saw you sitting on your duff and thought about you making plans to be out - I'd probably react badly.

 

You're not employed, so not only is it your parent's roof, you're staying there on their dime, being fed, clothed, and transported on their nickel. And you don't consider that in appreciation, it might be nice to take on some extra housework and give them a break?

 

I mean, when you go out, whose car do you take? Who puts gas in the car, and pays for you to have insurance? And yet they "force" you to lie so you can go where you want?

 

In all sincerity - put yourself in their shoes. Grow up a bit. They want you to be productive and able - this is something every parent should ultimately want for their child.

 

IMO, they're giving you a lot more than they have to. And getting a part time job while you're filling out applications, or doing extra around the house to show you appreciate their forbearance, would be more than reasonable.

[catfeeder]

If you start behaving like an adult around the house by sharing responsibilities without need to be told, then you'll earn more gravitas when it comes to negotiating adult liberties.

 

If you act like a kid in the household, you'll remain regarded as one in all other matters.

 

Earn what you want.

[blueidealist24]

If you start behaving like an adult around the house by sharing responsibilities without need to be told, then you'll earn more gravitas when it comes to negotiating adult liberties.

 

If you act like a kid in the household, you'll remain regarded as one in all other matters.

 

Earn what you want.

 

This isn't always true. From my experience with a controlling father, nothing I do would make him change. Other adults were satisfied with my behaviour fine, but he never was and remained controlling/treating me like a young person. Granted, he may have some sort of mental illness. Maybe 'normal' parents are different, but..

 

They did tell her, even if she did the chores, she might not get to do what she wants. Honestly I think the only solution is to find a way out of there. Maybe she acts like a kid because her parents continue to treat her like one no matter what, even though she obviously has some sort of degree already in order to be able to apply to grad school.

[catfeeder]

This isn't always true. From my experience with a controlling father, nothing I do would make him change. Other adults were satisfied with my behaviour fine, but he never was and remained controlling/treating me like a young person. Granted, he may have some sort of mental illness. Maybe 'normal' parents are different, but..

 

They did tell her, even if she did the chores, she might not get to do what she wants. Honestly I think the only solution is to find a way out of there. Maybe she acts like a kid because her parents continue to treat her like one no matter what, even though she obviously has some sort of degree already in order to be able to apply to grad school.

 

I can appreciate that you can turn this into a chicken or egg problem and try to figure out whether expending the energy up front on responsible housekeeping should come before the reward or whether the reward should come before the investment.

 

Bottom line is, no matter where you live you're responsible for doing your part to maintain the household, and if you agree to live in someone else's home, you agree to their conditions. If their conditions are unreasonable to you, you can move out--unless you're still acting like a kid. Then regardless of who you blame for your behavior, you're still stuck with nowhere else to go.

 

Acting like a kid won't get you what you want, no mater where you want to live.

[Mesemene]

Other adults were satisfied with my behaviour fine, but he never was and remained controlling/treating me like a young person.

 

There's the difference, blue.

 

Admitting to basically freeloading is way different than most adults saying you're acting age-appropriately, and only one being unreasonable. If the OP had, for example, said he/she was doing dishes in the morning, taking care of vaccuuming and laundry during the week, and cooking a couple of meals a week, the reaction would probably have been way different. Most would probably have agreed the OP was trying to contribute, and the parent(s) were being a bit unreasonable under the circumstances.

 

Unfortunately, that's not the case. OP has admitted to lying about having errands to go out and have fun, to being lazy (sorry OP, if your memory is that bad, white boards/dry erase boards and calendars were invented for a reason), and to basically acting like your typical 13-16 year old child. Under those conditions - I really don't find it surprising or inappropriate that the resulting treatment matches the behavior.