Dumper sent me a letter in the mail

[LSgirl]

oh yes definitely, I have thought about that and will NOT have sex, and I hope he's not thinking that either. If anything, if this is even going to work, I want to start with a solid friendship again first and just keep it friendly and light (thats if he even wants to be in a relationship with me again. When we brokeup he said he'll be around if I ever need help with anything". But it just still sounds to me like he has nothing better to do so he's offering to help. I am happy he finally offered, but in a way that didn't seem all that excited and just owning up to when he said he'll always be around to help...

[abitbroken]

Don't continue to send him texts thinking that will show interest or talking about nails. If you want him, meet up with him and respond to what was in the letter. You are skirting the issue. You are just doing small talk. I personally thought you shouldn't respond, but as others said, if you are - clear communication was hard between you two. So don't "talk around things" - tell him how you FEEL.

 

BTW, if he said "i'll always be here to help" and you put him to work on minor home improvements, you are using him. Get to the heart of the matter right away, or forget about him. no "my ex boyfriend who does chores for me. If you get to the heart of the matter and don't want to be with eachother fine, but don't string him along.

[LSgirl]

So I finally saw him last night. He came over to set up my lights. We hung out and talked a bit for 3 hours and towards the end I brought up the letter. I told him how much it moved me and that I had forgiven him and saw a new person in the letter. I told him I wanted to give it another try if he did. He said (im paraphhrasing) "let's take this slowly. I like what we got now. I'm not seeing or interested in anyone else and meant everything I said in the letter. Our friendship is important and I had a lot of fun with you tonight. I had a lot of fun when we dated, but right now I need this time to work on myself." I then told him I apologized and must have misunderstood the letter and thought he wanted a second chance. He said he didn't want to hurt me again and then I was totally confused and told him it really sounded like he realized what happened and wanted to be with me again. I felt so foolish that I put myself out there only to be rejected again. I still haven't slept (it's been 6 hrs since he left and I have to go to work in an hour) I feel the awful pain again.

 

I also told him that I wasn't sure if I was supposed to wait around and that I couldn't be friends because it would hurt until I could finally get over him. He asked if I was giving him an ultimatimum, I said it would just be too hard to stay friends. He brought up other things like how eventually he would go back to his home state to take care of his mom if she ever got sick (she's not sick now and I don't think he was referring to anything anytime in the next year) I think he wanted to let me down easily. I'm so confused, I really thought (and forums/friends) thought he wanted a second chance! I told him I understood and it was okay (even though I clearly was confused and hurt).

 

Now he knows how I feel that I forgiven him and want a second chance, I feel like I've done all that I could. I will go No Contact now. How does he write a letter like this and NOT want to make it work again. It's up to him now, but I can't wait around for him. He held me and we kissed, then I told him he should probably go and he agreed. He kissed me on the forehead and left.

 

Did I do the right thing?

[DN]

Yes, you did the right thing. Don't contact him again and if he contacts you ask him to stop. Assume the relationship is over (I mean really assume) and begin to move on.

[LSgirl]

Do you know why he would do this or have a change of heart? When I told him the letter sounded like an open invitation to a second chance, he said in the first paragraph he wrote how this may be the last time to write me...I don't understand it, it breaks my heart all over again. I know these questions won't change anything, but I'm so confused and hurt.

[DN]

I have no idea what his motives were - it seems very confusing now. But I think you should proceed as I have advised, you should not allow him to mess you about and I think he has.

[hopelessincan]

wow. talk about confusing. I just read this thread and that letter just brought tears to my eyes. It seemed to be that letter every girl wished they would get from their ex. Everything in that letter had me believe that he was sorry and wanted you back. To get to page 3 and find he didnt was utterly shocking and completely unexpected.

I hope its not the optimist in me, but no man writes something like that without having some pretty strong love for the woman.

I would agree with the other posters and go no contact, but dont expect it to be the last you hear from him.

Dont be eager to respond and maybe ignore him here and there, and betcha hes back begging in no time.

[chitown9]

Do you know why he would do this or have a change of heart? When I told him the letter sounded like an open invitation to a second chance, he said in the first paragraph he wrote how this may be the last time to write me...I don't understand it, it breaks my heart all over again. I know these questions won't change anything, but I'm so confused and hurt.

 

 

I think the things he says and does are so confusing because he himself is confused. Yeah, just forget about this guy and move on......

[hopelessincan]

its easy to say to move on....harder to do....its pretty obvious to everyone he cares and is confused...so why forget about him?

[Mellie]

^For sanity. OP, you're not realistically going to forget about him at the drop of a hat, but you've laid it all on the line - there's really nothing more you can do. That's the crappy part, the feeling of powerlessness. But you were true to yourself, and if any of us can get 'closure', that's it. Maybe he will come back, maybe he won't. It got a lot easier for me once I decided they weren't coming back. There's only so long you can spend analysing the situation and wondering whether you should have said this, done that, before you start losing the plot. Trying to be friends immediately post breakup? That'll drive you nuts. That was my experience, anyway. These friendships really aren't that genuine, when it comes down to it. It's always on the dumper's terms. He can send you gifts (don't get me wrong, that's nice, but...) if the dumpee does the same then that's just deemed weird. If he suggested coming over, that's totally ok. You ask him, and that's being pushy. A lot of it's about power - dumpers completely call the shots (and I'm sure this isn't intentional - they don't even know they're doing it) but it just screws with the dumpee's head.

[LSgirl]

Thank you guys for replying, I read them over and over (esp at work when I have nothing better to do) I realized I've laid everything on the line, he knows how I feel and I still think he's a confused man. While I think what he wrote in that letter is how he truly feels, but he's still up and down about what he wants to do. He misses me, but he may not see me as what he really wants. I believe if something is important to you you will always find a way to make it work, and if it's not then you will keep making excuses. I can't be just a friend to him as I've said, and he's told me he wants to take things slowly, but that means me waiting on standby for him to get it together while I'm hurting on the side taking whatever scraps he's able to give me. I hate how I allow him such power (so I did NC when we first broke up) but after the letter, I gave myself to him again and he rejected it. It's the worst feeling!

 

I know I'll have to deal with this on my terms, it won't be a few days, weeks, it may take months but I can't drive myself crazy over analyzing everything he does. I'm blindly optimistic and sometimes that will get my nowhere. I don't want to compromise myself to be what he wants and WHEN he wants. My door is open, my heart is still with him, I'm still in it until I decide it's enough. Right now I'm just not at the point to fully begin the process of moving on, but I have to admit my weakness. I will accept it one day, and I KNOW I will be hearing from him again. There's no way he can write that and never talk to me again. I just hope I'm a stronger person and will feel indifferent to this whole situation. (I went out with co-workers to happy hour so none of this may be coherent) but I will keep updating. Please feel free to leave advice as I will read these posts everyday

[chr8st8na]

You just have the bleeding heart syndrome. I know because I hate to say this but I dated two guys like him... and they did the whole thing he did except the long letter and the gifts. It was a simple phone call or email that seemed genuine. Boy was I foooled too. That's why I said I didn't think he was pursuing you for a serious relationship. He just wants your companionship (friendship) for now... & then maybe in the future, who knows? He doesn't tell you because he wants to keep that to himself even if it meant admitting he doesnt know himself. That's why some ppl will stick around and keep hurting yet hoping that one day the guy will just see only them as their lover, wife and best friend (which I admit, this did happened to my own friend and now she's happily married to him) and some ppl will not stand for it. You are the latter and that's really good of you because it says you won't settle for less.

 

Just from my experience too, b/c I journaled this and I read it after i just read what happened to you yest. If a guy ever comes back to you & tells you how sorry they are and how great u were to them.... Don't listen to the emotions that are being expressed because you might still have a "bleeding heart" for them w/o even knowing. Emotions can do that to us- hide from us until something stirs it from its hiding place & then we might let our emotions doing most of the assuming for us. It sucks especially if you are a positive person, you try to convince yourself of all these happy scenarios. focus on the words and see if any pronouns they mention have "us" "we" or "our" more than "I" "you" "me" "he" "she".... b/c usually pronouns says if it's more about them or more about working on "us" ....

 

Any way, dating should be fun so date and have fun. Keep going out with your friends. The more time you spend with people who actually appreciate you, the less you'll remember him.

[Ms Darcy]

I was going to reply to the new developments, but my response is essentially my old advice. When you talked to us you said you wanted to build a friendship and then move forward from there. In this communication with him it sounds more like you straight out wanted to get back together. What he said sounded quite a lot to me what you had told us you wanted initially - be friends and see where it goes. So, I suspect the letter ramped up your expectations. For me personally, I woud have really asked him what the letter meant and what he wanted first. I think that might have been helpful to you.

 

I never saw the letter as wanting to get back together though, just as a good opportunity to get clarity for you

 

 

 

Ultimately, yes you did the right thing. I am sorry that you had high expectations and perhaps it might have been better to listen to him before laying your heart out BUT nothing wrong with stating what you want. Now, it's time for you to do what he's doing and take this time to work on yourself.

 

 

 

I didn't read that I read it as an invitation to talk. I think it was a misinterpretation and not a change of heart. It was him laying his heart out without the end goal of winning you back.

[Thorshammer]

I dont know whats new since the first post since i only read the first post. But I dont understand why someone would in one letter, talking about seeing the issues, taking the blame, expressing change, showing hes learning, downplaying and realizing his fiance wasnt important to him (i am assuming she was an issue, or you felt he was stuck on her or something?)- basically, got out of his way to impress you... and not seal the deal.

 

Maybe he has cold feet. Maybe hes scared and doesnt want to take a hit to his self-esteem. Maybe hes trying to keep his options open. But I took the letter as, " Hey look at me, i am changing and learning, i take some of the blame, i know that now... ooo look at me, ooo i was scared of you leaving me... but i learned... look at me". I dont think its normal for someone to try to impress, or at least showcase their changes in life for someone they dont want to be with anymore.

 

I mean, if i broke up with someone, and i knew or felt it was hard to get them back. I would send a similar letter, but still be defensive. That letter itself tells you he was defensive in the relationship.

[LSgirl]

Thanks Thorshammer for taking the time to check out my thread. If you saw on the 3rd page, it tells how I read his letter and reached out to him by inviting him over. People told me it was a second chance he was reaching out, so I told him if he wanted to try again I would love to be with him again. I told him I forgave him and saw the new person in that letter. He said he needs to work on himself and gave some other excuses and I was rejected and hurt all over again. Since then (that was Sunday) we've had no contact. He knows how I feel now so there's nothing else I can do but just assume he's not coming back.

 

We're both still listed we're in a relationship on Facebook. I've been so weak in that part in not getting rid of our status, but i will eventually.

 

Last night I posted a pic of me and my friends out at a bar and 2 hours later around midnight he posted (and he hasn't posted anything in over 2 weeks around the BU) saying 'Sometimes I miss home wherever that is... " with a link to a southern Georgia song. He's from the south, so I'm guessing he misses living in different places, who knows. Then this morning, he took it off.

[Thorshammer]

Hmmm, that seems a little odd. Well, then maybe he is conflicted with something. No one explains how they have changed, or subtly hint how they miss you and want you in the letter, and doesnt follow through.

 

Its like I said in my post

 

"Maybe he has cold feet. Maybe hes scared and doesnt want to take a hit to his self-esteem. Maybe hes trying to keep his options open."

 

Dont be so upset over what you did. He is the fool for writing that letter which would make a lot of people think there is hope. You got if off your chest, trust me you would have looked back and thought it was a missed opportunity, those hurt way more. Just go NC, the whole letter, then saying he wants to take it slow for some reason, would annoy me. Confusion is dangerous when there is a heart involved, and the whole push and pull thing is walking on dangerous grounds. If he doesnt want you now, then that leaves that he has cold feet (which i never believe in, unless he has issues), or is trying to keep his options open.

 

Go nc, and push away. Avoid calls, when a chunk of time passes, maybe you might respond for a second and act like life is good. You know what you want, its not fair to be tied to someone who doesnt know what he wants. When you meet someone who shares with you what they want that is the same as yours, then this little thing you got going with him will be nothing. No more what-was or what-if, its what-happened, and what-is, and none of it looks cute right now.

[LSgirl]

Thank you so much again, I re-read that over and over so it will stick with me. It's definitely not cute and not fair to me. I deserve better, thanks again Thorshammer!

[LSgirl]

UPDATE!

 

OMG I'm about to lose my mind. So for the past 3 hours, I've been sitting in front of my computer contemplating taking him off my relationship status. (We broke up 2.5 weeks ago but neither of us changed it on Facebook) Everytime I have the urge to do it, my heart starts racing and can't do it. This whole day I've been thinking about taking him off for some reason. THEN, as I was just about to find myself doing it, click on the status to change, my phone beeps with an e-mail. it's HIM!

 

He sent me 3 old pics of us together and wrote this

It's that bad man again, writing some stupid email that's just going to make ya mad. I'm assuming that's the thought right about now. I wanted to call for the last couple of days but I didn't wanna catch you at happy hour with the ladies. I'd probably have a hit put out on me. "He said what?! Imah keel em, you don't worry about a thing girlfriend." Or something a bit more derogatory. But neway, I've been thinking alot about the other night and you in general. And if the offer is still on the table, I'd like to try that date out. If its too late and your over it, I understand. But I included some of the better pic's from my phone to add to the collection. I think the 1277 would make a great one if you just wanna crop out that guy in it. And this could be a great opportunity to shut me down epically if you want too. But if you still feel the same as you did Sunday, I still owe you one overdue foot rub and quite a few drinks to say the least. I really want to let out some good mushy stuff right now but I'm going to wait to see if I'm shut down

 

 

 

So, what do I do?! The whole point (obviously im in the Getting Back Together forum) but I feel like this is ANOTHER thing he's doing (like the letter he sent me) where it seems like he wants to get back together. And why did he say "if the offer is still on the table, I'd like to try that date out" what date?! I asked for another chance in the relationship. But if I don't respond, then he will assume I'm shutting him down and over it. But I'm still very hurt that I was rejected the last time I saw him when he sent that letter, it confused the hell out of me. How do I know he's still not confused? What do I say? I don't want to respond to him tonight and will wait until tomorrow, or do I even respond? Please help! This is driving me crazy. My emotions are not to be messed with!

[Ms Darcy]

He's still confused.

 

My advice is to only take this at face value. He wants a date. He's not asking to get back together.

 

I don't think you could handle a date. He may get his fill and get confused again. I would decline and change your status to single.

[raton44]

My most recent ex and I kind of split up last year but still "dated". It drove me insane and was terrible for me emotionally. He was confused like ur guy and still was very affectionate and loving at the same time. I finally told him I wasn't going to do it anymore and he agreed to commit again. BUT>>>he has now dumped me again. I'm supposed to see him on Saturday, but I have no idea how this will go...

 

Moral of the story: be very careful with these confused dudes. If you guys go out a few times, maybe he will decide to get back with you, maybe he won't. It's up to you how you want to expend your mental health at this point.

[LSgirl]

I kind of want to ignore the email until he sends something more.

 

When i think about it now i wouldnt want to jump back into this full force after what hes put me through. Maybe this 'date' isnt a bad idea and i will definitely not have sex with him until we were exclusive again. I just want to keep power if i go on this date. I feel like he needs to earn my trust again.

 

Should i not respond today and email back tomorrow or is that rude? If so, what do i say? Id want it to be direct and short. I also want the date to be short and two drink maximum so it doesnt impair my judgement lol.

[raton44]

ya...def don't drink too much and sleep with him like I did lol! If you want to try and go on a date, I would wait a little to respond, a couple days, and then say you may be willing to go on a date in the future. Maybe in a couple, few weeks. You need more time for yourself to heal so you won't be going into this so emotionally. Ms. Darcy's advice is probably the best thing to do, but if you want to try it out...play busy for a while and make the date for at least a couple weeks down the road. That's just my suggestion. This way you keep some of the power, but then you can also try it out and see what happens. But be careful!

[raton44]

also, be prepared to poss be an emotional wreck after the date if it doesn;t fit your expectations. Expectations will be something you need to let go of. You haven't been BU long enough to really emotionally handle this date. I am going on a date with my ex on Saturday, but I am calm and cool about it. I'm actually not even really excited about it. I've had enough time that I've gotten to this point. Acting calm and confident won't be a problem for me. But the last time we did the dating thing for a bit, we had only been apart for like 2 weeks, even though we had contact throughout that time. This time he made a clean break and I am ready to meet up with him and find out what the hell he wants. I may not even take him back if that's what he wants. he already did this to me once and I have healed long enough so far that I can actually say I am 50/50 as to whether I want him back. 2 months ago I would've desperately taken him back and taken any scraps he gave me. This is why taking more time apart is to your benefit

[LSgirl]

Thanks for responding! I'm thinking about saying something like "Sure, if you want to get coffee sometime, let me know" that way he'll have to reach out to me and ask. Good idea? Or should I say. "I'm confused" or ugh, I have no idea..pls help me on what to say and when I should e-mail him back (he e-mailed last night).

 

I also don't want to take any scraps like you mentioned and I definitely don't want to be an emotional wreck if things don't go as planned. I need to go into it with no expectation of getting back together. I want him to really show he wants this again. I really just don't get what's going on his mind. Why would he keep doing this? Is he just lonely and misses me? Or maybe he cares and loves me more than he can admit because he's scared?

[raton44]

my ex did this stuff the first kind-of split up we had. Telling me he still loved me and was sorry he was confused. So, I stuck around. It hurt me a lot. I feel like the only way you can go into this with no expectations, like I am this Saturday...is to have a lot more time to heal. We BU the middle to end of August, so I've had a lot more time than you. Im almost to the point of feeling indifferent to him bc he hurt me so badly. My rose colored glasses have come off, so to speak.

 

If you're gonna do this, you should wait to respond for maybe 3 days. Then, tell him you would go out wiht him maybe in a few weeks. I wouldn't say, ya call me sometime...cuz you need to take some of the power back. Tell him you'll let him know when you're ready. He's playing the confusuion game with you and you need to call the shots. If he really does want you back, he'll have no problem waiting a few wks to meet up. If he doesn't want to wait...then you know you're answer. He's not truly interested