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Dumper sent me a letter in the mail


LSgirl

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I checked my regular mail today and got a package from my ex-boyfriend. We broke up 2 weeks ago. He had told me he bought me a gift before the breakup and was going to send it to me. It was an antique WWII Japanese ring dish and an antique butterfly hair clip (because he accidentally broke my ring dish) and it came with a letter. The letter said this:

 

 

Hey you, It's hard not to write sugar boo, sweetie, sugar muffin, or any of what I would like to say considering the situation we're in. Where to begin and how to end one of the last things I may be able to write you? It's tough not to spill myself out after holding back for so long. The things I've never told you and everything you deserve. You rpatience with me is almost super human. But I guess that has its limits too. Seeing how you miss us, in your last email, hit hard. Only because, I do too.

 

 

For too long I would hold in whatever emotional baggage would come up and try to forget about it. It was really wearing me down and I just wanted a nice emotional outlet to relax in. After I admitted too much to you, things got harder for us. Instead of really trying to work things out, I did what I was used to. Bundle it up, tuck it away and forget about it. I never took the time to really let things go. Being so sensitive and with a threat from you (which wasn't that bad) I just snapped and let everything go. Of course I emotionally rationalized what I was doing instead of logically. But, I couldn't take your resentment too and could see the day coming where it was going to end badly. I could almost see you finding someone else randomly after being so fed up. So I did it.

 

 

I felt bad, shaky, nauseous, and all the wonderful feelings that come with that. But to me it was better something lame than something deceitful and vindictive. Later on the way home from work the person I had spent so much time trying to forget (he's talking about his ex-fiancee) texted me "hi-mom was just asking about you. Hope you're doing well" or something like that. After a little conversation about family, work, and some encouragement from my part (she's having a hard time I guess) I realized that everyone was right and she wasn't the person I've had in my mind and changed completely. The whole letting go thing had started to make sense when I realized that she was actually pretty dumb, and I felt sorry for her. I hate to say that, but I'll only tell you.

 

 

So there I was, free of all my baggage. Until, I noticed that, well I got one more. "Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation" - Kahlil Gibran. Man has some good books, a tear and a smile, was one of my favorites. At first I assumed the damage had been done and I'd never be forgiven. Stick to my guns, get organized, and improve my life however I could. Tend to the garden to bring the butterflies, if only to see them going by. Was doing pretty good, I thought, but stress can sneak up on you when you think you're doing great, when really, you're just fooling yourself. So going back to relaxing and taking my time I caught another break and went with my roommate to the music show. Then I realized when I saw you again (we ran into each other on halloween) how nice it was to talk to you again. In my mind I was thinking maybe a new first date with a new man again.

 

 

Would she recognize how I've changed, could she see it? But, the damage lingered in the air with passing foul language and dirty looks from strangers (here he's referring to my friends that came up and said some not so nice things to him) Our time was tained at every turn but I would not have it. Until, I saw the damage in your eyes as well. Then I knew I had been lost to you and couldn't bear the sight of it.

 

 

 

Then he goes on in the letter to talk about what the presents meant and wrote

 

 

 

I've apologized many times but it will never be enough to make up to you for what I've done and the B.S. you've had to put up with for so long. I don't expect to be forgiven, hopefully though not misunderstood.

 

 

With Love and Sincereity,

 

(his name)

 

 

SOOO....that's the first time he's EVER mentioned "love" to me. First he quotes that love after separation and the ending signature. What does this mean? He doesn't mention anything about getting back together, but it seems like he knows what he did wrong. I then replied back to him in text "That was really beautiful and sad. I'm sorry things couldn't work out between us, I wish we had worked on it before we broke up. You probably already know this, but I was falling in love with you but knowing I wouldn't get that back, I had to stop 'chasing' remember? But knowing this, if I truly did feel that way I couldnt be selfish and had to let you go. Sort of like that butterfly clip when I wear it I'll think of you and hope you are happy wherever you are.

 

 

He wrote back "Well thank you, when I think of you ill hope you are one happy little girl too, wearing that strange little butterfly clip

 

 

At this point, I tend to go NC. We ended on a good note, but I wish he would have asked to see me even if it was just for coffee. What do you guys think?

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What do you want? If what you wanted is to try again, I'm not sure why you responded the way you did...his letter was about as "we should try this again, if you're willing, I * * * * ed up by dumping you" as it gets out without coming outright to say it. I feel like he should be the one on this board?

 

edit, he kindof did say it: "In my mind I was thinking maybe a new first date with a new man again.

 

 

Would she recognize how I've changed, could she see it?"

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He said "in my mind I was thinking maybe a new first date with a new man again" but then he also said he knew how much he hurt me. and he DID. I can't just let him back in my life that easily, that destroyed his loyalty. I want us to work, but I don't know why hasn't asked for another chance or to see me. Too much pride? It seemed like he wrote all this out of guilt, but not trying to get back, but to finally explain how he felt (this is the first time ive ever read anything emotional from him) I don't know how to go about it. In the letter he also said "i attached some screws and nails because i know how much you wanted to hang your lights. I was going to say you could use this as an any one time fix it coupon for your place. But I don't think you want that either" He says something, and then takes it away, i don't get it. Just ASK to see me. SAY he wants me back. Or else, I can't just give in this easily, he broke my heart.

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What do I do? I'm not even sure if he's REALLY changed. What if I let him back in (if he even wants to be 'us' again) how do I know he won't do it again? We were together 10 months, and i could tell he was NOT over his ex-fiancee of 8 years. I was so hurt the entire time but patient. Where should I go from this? Tell him about how I need his help in hanging my lights on my wall (as he offered to do in the letter). I don't want to look like now I'M trying to get him back, so how do I tell him in a way that he still needs to try but I would like to see him.

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I took a picture with my rings in the new dish he sent me and told him "It's beautiful, I love it " and he texted back "Great, I was worried you wouldn't. It looks better loaded up" but that was it, why doesn't he try any harder? Maybe I will ask him for coffee in a couple of days? Tonight is too soon as I just read this letter and don't want him to think I've given in so soon after the letter. I want him to think I've marinated on it and made a decision to have him in my life again. Is that a good idea? And plus, tonight I know he's going to a Battle of the Bands music show with his roommate (which we were supposed to go before the breakup)

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I'm annoyed for and at both of you for not just saying what you mean in a more direct way. But I know that's rarely easy for anyone to do. I think it's why a lot of people don't reunite in a healthy way. It seems he's cowering and afraid of rejection, basically dancing around the magic words of "I want you back." You, on the other hand, give no indication in your response to him of anything you're now saying here. If I were him and got that message, I would have assumed you were moving on/had moved on/made peace with the breakup.

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I would let it lay for a few days, and then I would send him a message: "Actually, I could use some help hanging the lights. When do you have time?"

 

Of course, he wants to get back together with you. He does not expect it to happen, he feels he has done too much damage. If you want to try again, you need to tell him but also tell him that you need to see the change in him that he talks about. This letter was his best and last attempt to get you to give him that chance. Personally, I hope that you do. He sounds sincere and genuine in his letter.....chi

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Hmm... Personally I would even give it a week. It's like when you go on a break with a person you are seeing/dating, and you tell them you want a break, you want at least a week if you don't want to wait 2 weeks. A break for a couple of days always give off the impression that your not serious. Give it a good amount of time and then just txt him to tell him that you would like to take him out for coffee as a way of saying Thanks for the gifts, esp. his letter. But don't hint that you want him back or even express it because that's really him who should do it.

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What if we go for coffee but he talks of not getting back together. He's not the type to just directly say things, and if he doesn't, i don't want to be the one to say "do u want to try this again?" bc I'm scared I would get rejected. I'll ask him on Monday and say that I need help hanging the lights. I just hope he actually DOES want to get back together. I know you guys see this, but for some reason I'm not seeing it in the letter, I just feel like he's truly sorry and cares for me, but know he won't ever love me. Before he broke up with me, he said something mean "don't chase something you're never going to get from me (love)" THAT's what hurt me, it was a knife in my stomach.

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What if we go for coffee but he talks of not getting back together. He's not the type to just directly say things, and if he doesn't, i don't want to be the one to say "do u want to try this again?" bc I'm scared I would get rejected. I'll ask him on Monday and say that I need help hanging the lights. I just hope he actually DOES want to get back together. I know you guys see this, but for some reason I'm not seeing it in the letter, I just feel like he's truly sorry and cares for me, but know he won't ever love me. Before he broke up with me, he said something mean "don't chase something you're never going to get from me (love)" THAT's what hurt me, it was a knife in my stomach.

 

Well, did he say that during a fight?? Usually ppl say things when they are angry. But yea... ppl do change too. If that still bothers you, you should ask him.

However I just don't think he's ready yet for a serious relationship with you, most likely he may want to pursue a friendship (at first). He probably missed your consistency and companionship.... That's why I think you should meet up with him and let him know that you guys can talk now.

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I agree what was said before about you two not really just saying what you mean. I would not respond at all right now. I would not ask him to hang lights. If you have feelings that you want to express, just come out and say them. no ploys. he is really hiding behind what he really wants to say by talking in circles and quoting poets. But still, i would let this one sit a bit.

 

I think I read that he was all messed up thinking about his ex or wounded over it to really give you full attention, but now can't bear the thought of you with someone else. He is putting her down to you - which is not a good sign, because that means he will be doing the same to you to others now or in the future. telling someone you dated is "really dumb" and you feel sorry for them maybe aims to make another person (you) feel he is no longer pining for that person by putting her down, or portraying he is the poor misunderstood guy and poor me was with a dummy, thus trying to leave the door open with you or evoking sympathy.

 

For what its worth, go on having fun with your friends and going to parties but don't wait around. I also think that by being mysterious and dramatic, he is trying to keep you intrigued. I honestly wouldn't respond until he says something more coherent and direct. but its up to you. If he is sorry (for something long and drawn out it seems), then he has to say so. I get a mix of him breaking it off because he couldn't take your reaction to his premature oversharing and his baggage or didn't want your reaction to it, but I really don't know what happened because he is so vague. btw, caring for someone is one thing, being a good match without all the drama and caring is another

 

what do you really want? Do you really want him back right now considering how much drama seems to be going on in his head?

 

I mean, he sort of has you hooked now wondering what the heck is in his head. you just have to know, don't you? thats why his letter did what he wanted.

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Before he broke up with me, he said something mean "don't chase something you're never going to get from me (love)" THAT's what hurt me, it was a knife in my stomach.

 

Ahh..I see. That is very hurtful. However, we all say things that we don't really mean at times. You said that he cares for you, but will never love you. You need to tell him that this is what you think based on that hurtful comment he made. Then the ball is in his court. Communication is key.

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His letter started off good...nice and literal then kind of hit a tangent. How old are you two? Also...I didn't read your reply and his follow up. Because his opener is all you need to see. There is zero deflection and projection there. It's a very obvious example of iterated instrospection and the literal parts are in fact the "deepest" so that being said. He has valid feelings for you and you could probably do something about it.

 

The other side? He's not over her because he still "feels" "sorry" for her. He's not indifferent and therefore needs time to heal. You do as well. I would have a conversation with him and at the end tell him you need time to think etc. to get back to him etc. then tell him this because it'll be better for the both of you in the long run. It'll be rough but I can attest to the power of a perspective yielded by time.

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a poster asked how old we are, I'm 26 and he's 27

 

It's been hours since I last posted here and I'm a little buzzed (went out with some friends) and just walked 40 min back home. I don't want to miss a window of opportunity to get back with him, but I also don't want to rush getting back with him. I'm getting mixed posts about contacting him to let him know I want to try again and others saying I should wait and even let him contact me with something more direct.

 

Abitbroken - what you wrote was sad for me to read but I could understand it, as much as I didn't want to. He has said many good things about his 8 year ex-fiancee and has told me in the past that she will always be his best friend/first love and wouldn't want to talk bad about her or me to anybody (although he said she was dumb in the letter, im positive he doesn't actually think she is, but from what I have heard from him she has made a lot of bad decisions such as partying/drugs, etc....) in any case, I WOULD like to see him again, but I'm not sure how much he can change in just a couple of weeks. I'm sure he misses me, but I still feel like he could never give me 100%.

 

Like some have said, he still needs to heal. But do I wait around for it, or does this letter seem like he has changed and I should meet up with him? I'm scare that (although most of you seem to think he wants to get back together) I'm not 100% positive that's his intenion. He could just be truly sorry and telling me he did care for me so I don't feel like a rebound. Why did it take this breakup to realize what he had? It hurts a lot because he could do it again. So many mixed posts, I don't know what to think anymore.

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I disagree that you should wait to respond positively. Every hour that goes by lessens your chances of a successful reconciliation because as that clock ticks by he is thinking that you are not going to want him back - and his protective instincts are going to mean he withdraws. If at some point you do respond positively it will be more difficult for him to know what you really want and how to proceed.

 

I agree that both of you have communicated badly. But what is much worse is no communication at all because when you do that the message they get is 'not interested'.

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I disagree that you should wait to respond positively. Every hour that goes by lessens your chances of a successful reconciliation because as that clock ticks by he is thinking that you are not going to want him back - and his protective instincts are going to mean he withdraws. If at some point you do respond positively it will be more difficult for him to know what you really want and how to proceed.

 

I agree that both of you have communicated badly. But what is much worse is no communication at all because when you do that the message they get is 'not interested'.

 

You sure DN? He's clearly not over his Ex before her. I did suggest her having a conversation and then taking time to think. You are wise though so I'd willingly defer.

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I know you are getting lots of different advice, but from my standpoint it is a rare occasion a man will open up like that.

 

You need to think about what you want. If you want to get back together (I assume you do since you are on this forum) then focusing on the hurt only will not serve you. Yes it makes complete sense to recognize that he could hurt you again. That, my dear, is why you need to be very clear on what you want moving forward.

 

For me, personally, I think getting back together may or may not be on his mind. But what you do have is a clear opportunity to talk openly with him. Many women don't get closure, and that is perhaps something you can have. I say it doesn't hurt to talk to him, listen to what he wants to say to you, ask him questions, share your thoughts ... at the very least that lays the groundwork for further action in the future. Maybe you talk and then you tell him you need more time. Ok. But then at least he knows and can feel comfortable reaching out in the future if he wants to get back together.

 

So that's why I say, I think you'll regret not communicating when you could.

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I've been trying to show interest. Tonight I sent him a picture of me wearing the butterfly hairclip he sent me and he texted back that it looked pretty. Then an hour later I texted him saying that I couldn't figure out how to put the nails on the wall without making big holes and he only texted back "not with a lil patience. it's ok, if ur worried about the holes. Try my trick with the soap on a smaller hole first. Then u wont worry so much. Well I remember u didnt want to make holes and stuff but they are real easy to cover up if u plan on moving later. You should fix ur place the way u like it and finally get those lights just right"

 

 

Then I said "it's okay nm, I can probably just leave it the way it is" and he says "u can get the sticky rubber stuff. or u just trying to make me do it?" ugh...i felt embarassed when he said that so then i said "i guess it's not a big deal, i don't want it to be out of your way" and he says "I knew it, well ill get my screwdriver and finally fix this thing" so then I say "ur not coming to fix it now r u? Anytime ur free is fine" and he says "Yeah might be better tomorrow" and I say "K cool just let me know, u don't have to offer to do this but I appreciate it, thanks." and he says "No prob"

 

 

I felt stupid for trying so hard (when he mentioned he could come help in the letter.) i sent him a pic of the ring dishes last night with my rings along with a pic tonight with me wearing the hairclip. Then, i tell him I can't figure out how to set up the nails in my wall, and he makes it seem like it's something he HAS to do and not wanting to do? I don't get it, I'm putting myself out there (more contact than anytime during the breakup)

 

 

Maybe he doesn't really want to get back together and I'm reading too much into this letter?

 

 

I'm definitely not going to ask him again tomorrow as I don't want to keep bothering him. He said it might be better tomorrow, but I figured he will let me know when is good, and if he never calls or texts tomorrow then I feel like I've done the most I could do to show interest in such a short period of time. What do you guys think?

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Be very careful inferring his emotional state from just texts. I get the sense you are second guessing yourself based off what you wrote to us that were just texts.

 

This has been one of the toughest areas for my semi-ex and I earlier on into what is happening now.

 

At some point, being too delicate, or sensitive, will make contact harder since you'll be assuming you know what the other is thinking or feeling without clear communication from the other.

 

Just wanted to throw that in there.

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